I (29F) don't enjoy Christmas. My parents are divorced but remain best friends, so growing up it was always just my parents, my elder brother and me. My dads family lives abroad and my moms across country, so we never grew up close to extended family. Family-friends have always been what felt like family.
As children every year for Christmas we visited my moms family, which was basically the only time we ever saw or talked to them. As a teenager, I started feeling very uncomfortable with their world views and questioned that they never visited us - the effort was always on us. In 29 years, they've only visited us twice, despite often being in our city. Christmas felt more like an obligation than anything.
At 16, I said I was kinda over it and would rather spend Christmas with my dad or the people actually in our lives. This hurt my mom, who felt pressure from her parents if we didn't come. At first we were alternating years, but at 20 I said I was done entirely. Since then, none of us have gone, and although I've always said they could just go without me, it felt like my fault that nobody went.
After that, Christmas has been the four of us mostly sometimes with friends.
A few years ago my brother had a child and now alternates between SILs family and ours. My dad does the same with my younger sister at her mom's house. That means every other year it's just my mom and I. We usually do something alternative like traveling etc but she often suggests inviting others or spending Christmas with family friends, but I dont want to as this often entails staying overnight multiple days. I tell her she can go without me, but she never does, and it again makes me feel like I'm the one controlling everything.
This year is Christmas where dad and brother are absent. So I told everyone, just after last Christmas, that I planned to travel and didn't want to celebrate this year. My trip couldn't happen due to finances, but I still planned to spend Christmas alone in my new apartment and later meet up with a guy I'm seeing.
Even though she had a year's advance, my mom didn't make any plans and my dad's were cancelled, so now that we reached December both are upset that I won't spend Christmas with them since I’m “not doing anything”. They accuse me of “abandoning” and distancing myself from the family “out of principle”. And even my brother, is chiming in and said something like “well I guess your right as an adult is to choose to be an asshole”. But am I really?
I know their reaction comes from a place of love and wanting to spend time for me, but it hurts that my wishes are judged so harshly. I'm trying to explain it's nothing personal and its just one year i dont get why it's such a big deal. I've never accused anyone of abandoning the family when they go to partners’ families. I don't want to feel guilty for wanting the freedom to choose just because I'm single and childless.
Their collective response has me really confused. Am I really the asshole?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You gave them a year’s notice so I fail to see how you’re TA
You are all adults, why is there such random pressure from your family to see them?? I’m confused. NTA for making your own plans especially when you actively tell them they can do shit by themselves
NTA you can choose what to do with your time, do whatever you find most fulfilling and brings you the most joy!
NTA Speaking to someone like that isn't coming from a place of love. You aren't abandoning anyone. The idea that you can't make solo plans is ludicrous. It actually sounds like your mother is holding everyone hostage, she knew you wouldn't be around and decided to make no plans so everyone would feel bad for her. And your brother just doesn't want to change his plans to include your parents. I bet if you had a partner or kids you wouldn't be getting this guilt trip. You are allowed to make your own plas, you don't have to be available to everyone all the time, it isn't up to you to keep Christmas together. Your parents could go to a soup kitchen and help others for the day, they have options they just don't want to use them. Go enjoy your travels.
I feel like I'm missing some deep lore.
But a years notice is a lot but maybe they forgot. Either way NTA.
What are you contributing that they're missing? Sounds like not much.
They can catch you another time.
You must not have kids.
OP, your family needs to stop putting so much importance on actual Christmas Day. I'm not understanding, if it's an alternate year and your brother is gone, why not all celebrate together a different day near Christmas? The Sunday before? Christmas Eve? People who have lots of family celebrate multiple different days, not just Christmas Day. In fact, sometimes I have nothing to do on the actual day bc everyone scheduled their Christmas celebration on a different day to work with everyone's schedule.
Pick another day, have a dinner, exchange gifts, whatever you would normally do on Christmas Day. Having everyone in my nuclear family together for our celebration is very important to me. We are a blended family, he has 4, I have 3, half are grown, half are still kids, they all have their other sides of their family, we waited until Jan one year bc that's the first day we could all open presents together. That's what matters to me.
"You must not have kids" 🤣
I'm not sure if you're talking about me or OP. Either way that line is so overused.
OP said they have no kids. I have kids.
Everyone's family lives different and that's why I said I felt like there's some lore I'm missing.
That's odd, I don't hear people say that often at all. Do people say that to you a lot? Or you just hear people say it to others? I assumed you didn't have kids bc the comment you made about her not contributing gave me the impression you don't comprehend why it's so important to her parents to see her for Christmas.
I wasn't trying to be snappy or insult you. I just simply, wrongfully thought you must not have kids.
NTA. You're putting yourself first, and that's fine. As you say, they've had alternate plans and that's fine too. It's your turn.
Maybe start new traditions — Xmas lunch the day before or something.
If you often see your parents throughout the year, do what works for you. If your other opportunities to visit are limited, spend this time with them. Parents aren’t there forever.
NTA, you gave them a years notice and you are over 18, they don’t get to dictate that you go see people you don’t care for… if you want to be selfish and do Christmas alone then go for it, you are an adult and can decide what you want to do.
Your parents are TA for trying to guilt you into spending Christmas with them when you told them you already had plans.
NTA. You are an adult and get to decide what you want to do. Explain to them that you want to spend the day alone this year and them trying to make you feel guilty only confirms that you made the right choice.
NTA. You can choose what you can do whenever you want to do it and - what might come as a shock to your parents - they can choose to do whatever they want to do and there's no obligation that these things have to overlap. Those family that are saying that you're an a-hole are probably secretly jealous that you've got more freedom to choose.
The thing is, when you decide that what you want to do is be alone rather than be with people who love you on a day where it would be particularly meaningful to them, you're being an AH. This isn't about whether or not she has the right to do it, it's about why she's deciding to send her parents a loud and clear "I don't love you" message.
She gave a year's notice of her intentions.
NTA. A year's notice and it still isn't enough.
Yeah, YTA. People you love have all made clear that this is important to them, while you have made clear that their feelings take a backseat to your desire to hang out alone. While Christmas is not important to you, their feelings should still be important enough to you to give up one day where you have no particular plans in order to spend it with them, even if for no other reason than that it would mean a lot to them.
You are their daughter; you are not someone who can be replaced by simply finding something else to do.
At what point do her feelings matter?
The 23rd, 24th, 26th, 27th...she can give up a day for the people who raised her, FFS. They want a few hours in her company, not an arranged marriage.
And not allowing her boyfriend to join? What’s your stance on that?
...all she mentions is wanting meet up with a guy she's seeing later. She doesn't even say she asked to bring him home.
You do have the freedom to choose, you're just not taking advantage of it. Enjoy your holiday, no matter how you choose to spend it. NTA.
NTA
You get to maker your own choices about it. You could suggest an alternative day for getting together, but it doesn't need to be the 25th.
NAH. You're allowed to make other plans. They're allowed to be hurt that your plans fell through but you'd still prefer to NOT see them for Christmas. If my kid did this, I'd be sad.
Their reactions DON'T come from a place of love. They're trying to manipulate you into doing what they want. No is a full sentence, and you are not obligated to do anything you don't want to. Everyone is an adult in this situation, and what they choose to do and who they choose to spend time with, or not, is all on them. Maintain your boundaries. It's uncomfortable but you'll be OK. They can like it or lump it.
NTA.
How on earth do you know that?! Telling someone "it would mean a lot to me if you would give up an afternoon to spend with me on a day that is particularly meaningful" is not manipulative. To think that their being hurt by her decision means they don't love her is just...wow. Just wow.
She said no, more than once. You sound like someone unable to respect boundaries.
The question isn't whether she has the right to do it, it's whether or not she's being an AH. They have the right to feel hurt that she'd rather spend Christmas alone than with them. OP sounds insufferably self-centered. Respecting someone's boundaries doesn't mean I have to say "yippee, you do you!" when they spit in my face. I'm allowed to tell them they are being hurtful.
Right? "I'm taking a trip at Christmas"
"Oh okay. We'll miss you"
"Wait... trip is cancelled but I'd rather spend the day alone than with you"
"...ouch"
NTA. As someone with grown kids with their own families this year we decided to not add to the stress of the season. We are releasing our kids to spend time with their other side family. We the stipulation that we all Take our summer vacation together. Honestly it is mentally freeing not having to worry about gift count and what everyone likes to eat. We will just take a family vacation in June paid for by mom and dad. As an adult you’re allowed to make whatever decisions you want. I have also never understood the fixation with a single day. Like it’s just the 25th of December, why does it have to be done in that day only.
You don’t have to spend Christmas with anyone you don’t want to. It seems like your mothers family only wants you there because they think on day wipes out the years of ignoring you
She hasn’t gone to her mother’s family in 9 years. Her mother chose her and not to travel. This year she’d rather be alone than spend it with her mother.
I understand how you feel. I see families and couples celebrating Christmas together and I get sad. Yes, I have my sister and her family, my parents, but I’m alone. It’s hard to get in the mood to decorate just for yourself. And then there’s the obligation to be there for everyone to make the family complete. I’m always expected to travel to them, not the other way around. I don’t want to do anything this year, last year we spent all of December at the hospital with my dad (95), as his health failed, he was on comfort care only. My birthday is between Christmas and New Year’s, and he passed a week after, he didn’t even remember it was my birthday (I wouldn’t let anyone remind him, he was too confused).
I’m pretending for my mom because she is alone for Christmas for the first time in 54 years. I don’t want to do my birthday either, but there is pressure from my mom and sister, I get the feeling they need to do something more than I do. I’m too much of a people pleaser, I can’t change at 51, please do what will make you happy this year.
Christmas is just a day like any other. You can travel if you want to and spend time with them another day.
NTA. One of the beauties of being single and childless. I have been spending Christmas alone for years and LOVE it!
NTA I think that some holidays are very important to people and those people make the mistake of thinking the holidays are equally important to EVERYONE. It doesn't work that way. Your parents are adults. They decide for themselves what to do. You DON'T control them. You do what you want. You don't have to martyr yourself to make your parents happy.
You are 29, this is still a silly argument no matter the age or which family hosts etc. All these people go on about Christmas, tell them the spirit of the season isn't being felt, just stress. Go travel, stay home and bed rot, go to work even...but please do not be held hostage as a single childless person for celebrations. Other days are available
You are 29, this is still a silly argument no matter the age or which family hosts etc. All these people go on about Christmas, tell them the spirit of the season isn't being felt, just stress. Go travel, stay home and bed rot, go to work even...but please do not be held hostage as a single childless person for celebrations. Other days are available
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I (29F) don't enjoy Christmas. My parents are divorced but remain best friends, so growing up it was always just my parents, my elder brother and me. My dads family lives abroad and my moms across country, so we never grew up close to extended family. Family-friends have always been what felt like family.
As children every year for Christmas we visited my moms family, which was basically the only time we ever saw or talked to them. As a teenager, I started feeling very uncomfortable with their world views and questioned that they never visited us - the effort was always on us. In 29 years, they've only visited us twice, despite often being in our city. Christmas felt more like an obligation than anything.
At 16, I said I was kinda over it and would rather spend Christmas with my dad or the people actually in our lives. This hurt my mom, who felt pressure from her parents if we didn't come. At first we were alternating years, but at 20 I said I was done entirely. Since then, none of us have gone, and although I've always said they could just go without me, it felt like my fault that nobody went.
After that, Christmas has been the four of us mostly sometimes with friends.
A few years ago my brother had a child and now alternates between SILs family and ours. My dad does the same with my younger sister at her mom's house. That means every other year it's just my mom and I. We usually do something alternative like traveling etc but she often suggests inviting others or spending Christmas with family friends, but I dont want to as this often entails staying overnight multiple days. I tell her she can go without me, but she never does, and it again makes me feel like I'm the one controlling everything.
This year is Christmas where dad and brother are absent. So I told everyone, just after last Christmas, that I planned to travel and didn't want to celebrate this year. My trip couldn't happen due to finances, but I still planned to spend Christmas alone in my new apartment and later meet up with a guy I'm seeing.
Even though she had a year's advance, my mom didn't make any plans and my dad's were cancelled, so now that we reached December both are upset that I won't spend Christmas with them since I’m “not doing anything”. They accuse me of “abandoning” and distancing myself from the family “out of principle”. And even my brother, is chiming in and said something like “well I guess your right as an adult is to choose to be an asshole”. But am I really?
I know their reaction comes from a place of love and wanting to spend time for me, but it hurts that my wishes are judged so harshly. I'm trying to explain it's nothing personal and its just one year i dont get why it's such a big deal. I've never accused anyone of abandoning the family when they go to partners’ families. I don't want to feel guilty for wanting the freedom to choose just because I'm single and childless.
Their collective response has me really confused. Am I really the asshole?
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I don't do Xmas. There are exactly 2 people on my Xmas list and those are the ones I made.
I agree with your brother YTA but as an adult you get to be one if you choose. Why exactly can’t you hang out with your mom on Christmas? You know she’s a person too and does want to spend the holidays with family which is honestly a pretty reasonable request. It doesn’t sound like your parents are or were awful or abusive or any reason why you can’t spend time with them. Presumably they’ve done lots of things for you on their lives they didn’t particularly want to do in the moment because they love you. I don’t know, it sounds pretty selfish to just dig in and be alone on Christmas just because.
Yeah but the question is "AITA?" not "do I have the right?" Yeah, in most cases adults have the right to be an AH, but too often, responses on this board confuse the two.
YTA, In theory you don't have an obligation to visit anyone or do anything of course, but not going to a christmas invite because 'you want to be in your apartment alone' is shitty. You can literally do that any day of the year, whereas this one specific day a year matters to your mom and dad.
Seems like you're being difficult for no reason whatsoever.
YTA - 9 years ago, you told your Mom you didn’t want to spend Christmas across the country with her family, but she could still go. She chose YOU. Her immediate family, every year since.
Last year, you said you’d be traveling for Christmas, and now you can’t afford it, so your parents invited you to do Christmas with them and you said no.
Your brother is right, it’s your right to choose to be an asshole, but it doesn’t make you any less of an asshole.
Sitting alone in your apartment all day on Christmas, when you have family that wants to spend some time with you, is pretty selfish.
NTA - you're 29, you do Xmas exactly how you want to. Provided you will see family members at some point December/January, there's no reason to tie yourself into an arrangement you're not going to enjoy.
May your children do to you what you all are encouraging this woman to do.
No kidding!!! Clearly, so many commenters here don't have kids.
NTA but to me Christmas is about family. It is indeed the time of year that you make time for the people you don't see that often. I guess for you - you prefer zero relationship with people who happen to live further from you. That's really sad. So if your parents or brother moved further away and you had kids you wouldn' make the effort at least once a year for them to meet? That's what your Mom was doing.
For me, your perspective is truly alien but you're an adult and get to make your life.
I will urge you to consider that not every moment in life is about you. If you're doing nothing why can't yoh spend a coupke hours with your parents? It matters to them. You don't have to give them your whole day.
NTA,
But I would like to give you some advice.
Your alienating family in the name of comfort. Be ready for the consequences.
In your quest to not be uncomfortable or inconvenienced, you are pushing others away. And that's fine. But being solitary and pushing away family/friends comes with pros and cons.
Yes, you get to live your life exactly how you want, free of duties you don't want to commit to. It also leaves you in a place that should anything happen, you have no one to rely on because you were never there for them.
It's a two way street.
NTA. Holidays are boring. Just do what you want. Family time is overrated and should be avoided at all cost.