OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
The action I took was to continue to search for new restaurants after my husband already picked one. This might make me the asshole because I could have just gone with his original choice.
NTA he was being very vague and expected you to read his mind. ‘This place has bad reviews, probably why we haven’t been there’ after ‘worth checking out’ doesn’t exactly scream ‘I want to get it from the place with bad reviews’.
He needs to learn to be more direct when asking what he wants. Does he know you didn’t get his text okaying the first place until after you had already ordered?
Also even if he had been more direct, I don't see any issues in taking same kind of food he wanted from another place with less bad reviews. I think that he is upset that OP can decide by herself rather than waiting for his aproval for small things.
It says “closer” to the grandpa, not close to, fwiw. I pictured something partway home from this, but it’s not clear.
If she ordered the food from the place near them, it could well be done and sitting there for awhile before she got there, anyway. Honestly, if she’s driving home from her grandpa’s and he cares so much where the food comes from, why didn’t he offer to order and pick it up?
I don't know that we can jump to that conclusion necessarily. He could be irritated initially because they've had this type of miscommunication before or maybe he was just disappointed because he had his mind set on trying it, like OP said. It's likely this is a NAH situation where two people got short with each other over a miscommunication.
If they’ve had this type of miscommunication before, then he needs to be part of fixing it and not expect her to read his mind. If he had his “mind set on trying it”, then he should have said so.
He can be irritated and disappointed, but he’s a grown up - he needs to acknowledge his part in the miscommunication (he wasn’t clear) instead of lashing out at his wife when she calls to explain what happened and that she misunderstood him. (She could have just pretended that she didn’t see his text because she’d already left, but that would be immature.)
He wants to be the “nice guy” by being vague so he seems like he’s being flexible and not deciding unilaterally, but then he wants her to read his mind between the lines and choose what he wants. At best, it’s poor communication on his part. At worst, it’s passive aggressive and mental abuse. It’s really exhausting to be on the receiving end of - you either get yelled at or lose your sense of self.
I get this. For real. Except I was perfectly fine ordering from the place he chose until he said that it got bad reviews and that’s why we hadn’t tried it before. I misinterpreted that as “maybe we actually shouldn’t order from here because it got some bad reviews.” I shouldn’t have assumed that’s what he meant. But also- I asked his opinion of the second place before ordering to make sure he was good with it. He said yep that looks good too. So i feel like maybe I’m 1% the asshole for assuming. But like… why would I think he still wants to order from there after telling me it got bad reviews? So frustrating
You aren't the AH. I suspect there is more to the argument than he let on. He just allowed that small petty thing to open the door for a bigger argument.
He can want to try something despite it having some bad reviews. He can prefer not wanting to try something with better/more reviews.
A lot of times people just want to do things a certain way, period. Or just try something. And if you want to do different, you need to clearly verbalize that. I can agree a place has good reviews or looks good, doesn't mean I want to go there today or spend money there.
He just wanted to try a close to home restaurant. Some places just get reviews, good or bad.
Sometimes good and bad reviews don't tell the whole story and you just want to try a place.
The Chinese restaurant I go to has mediocre ass food for my tastes. Why would you wanna go then!? Well I first went cuz it had really good reviews.... from people with shit taste in Chinese that are used to shitty mediocre Chinese food.
I keep going cuz it's decently close, cheap, and I like to support the friendly owners.
My favorite Chinese restaurant for a decade had terrible reviews because white people kept ordering the wrong things. It was one of the first authentic schezuan places, and it was so good but you had a bunch of reviews based on shitty orange chicken.
Is this a regular thing for you two? You constantly railroading his choices, wants, needs, cuz you know better? Asking for his decision but in the end its just ends up being what you wat?
I honestly don’t understand how you could get that from what he said, and that’s the deciding factor here for me. You were in the wrong. Really minor issue, but YTA here.
How is she Yta? If he cared don’t txt Yep that’s good which is an indication I’m fine with that restaurant and pick up the phone.. and say no I want to go to the other one I’ll order it for you to swing by on your way home! She was with her grandad it wasn’t her responsibility to give up time with him to decipher cryptic txt messages
Because she shouldn’t have been looking for a new place. This isn’t about her missing his text. Life happens. But I don’t understand how she misinterpreted his text about the restaurant HE chose as changing his mind.
She asks him to choose a restaurant.
He chooses.
She asks why they haven’t been there before.
He tells her.
She randomly decides he doesn’t want to go there??
Because he said yep that looks good too as in I’ve looked at the menu at the new one and food looks good I’m fine with it?.. she asked him to choose he said there was a bunch of bad reviews so she looked at a second option sent it to him he text back yep that looks good too? I would of assumed the same
Accept he DID? Are we reading the same txt or just blaming the female again because I’m confused? but about 5x as many reviews as the other place. I asked him to check out the place I found. He said “yep, that looks good too.” Here’s your proof that he definitely didn’t say it 😑
Yes, he said “Yep, that looks good too.” That does NOT mean “Yep that’s fine”. It means the restaurant itself looks good. Has no bearing on it as an option.
What??? Yep that looks good too is a. Indication of he’s okay with her ordering from there? Seriously if someone sent me a menu and I said yep that looks good.. I would expect them to assume I was okay with it? If not RING me and say no I don’t want to?
If my husband tells me a place has a bunch of bad reviews he knows full well I'm not ordering from there. If he wants to order from there he will also say "but I'd still like to try it "
If I then sent a link to a completely different place he would let me know that it may be good but he is still really keen to try the place he sent me. OP's husband answered the question why hadn't they ever gone there before by saying it had a lot of bad reviews and nothing else. So she looked for somewhere else. When she sent the new link he said it looked good. In OP's shoes I'm thinking exactly what they are, my husband wants to order from the place with better reviews. The communication problem was entirely on his end. For that matter, as other comments have said, why was he asking her to order at all? Why didn't he order and tell her where to pick stuff up? She was helping her grandfather and he apparently had such distinct preferences that he can't be happy with anything else. He should have sorted it all out himself.
”Husband was being nice about the other place, and might want to try them another time. But it was clear to me he wanted the first place.”
No, no, no. First off, he was not at all clear that he wanted the first place - he called it “worth a try” and said it had “a bunch of bad reviews”. It’s entirely reasonable that she didn’t interpret it as “I really want to try this today”.
Secondly, this is not “being nice” - this is simply not saying what you mean. In fact, if he’s going to get mad because she didn’t order from the first place when he mentioned it in this wishy-washy fashion, then replied to her link to the second place with “yep, that looks good too”, that is the opposite of nice. That is passive aggressive and it is mean.
I would be annoyed about being interrupted while going about my day just to find out my time was wasted because my opinion was going to get ignored anyway.
The place with more reviews might be bigger, or near a place with more traffic. A hospital or college might be nearby, for example.
Also just the fact that the place he chose was close to their home, while the place she chose was close to her grandfather’s house (which is about an hour away).
So not only is her option not likely to be a regular dinner option for them in the future because of the distance, but also if she picks up the food on her way home, the food will be sitting in her car for about an hour before she gets home. It’ll be cold/not as fresh. It makes more sense to grab food from a place close to home, that way it’s still hot and fresh when you get home and finally sit down to eat it.
INFO: I think this is probably a case where the restaurant is not the actual issue. Do you have arguments like this often? Does he always escalate like this? Do you have a history of not admitting fault when you probably should have, or when he thinks you should have?
He and I both have the opinion that the other does not admit fault when it is due. To apply that to this argument, he thinks I should admit fault for ordering from a place other than his first choice. I don’t believe I did anything wrong, because he said “yep, that place looks good too.” I think he should admit fault for getting way more upset than is warranted over such a trivial issue. He doesn’t think he’s wrong for getting upset.
You should both admit fault for wanting to win more than to work on fixing miscommunications. You assumed he was fine with the second place but did not ask. That was your mistake. He assumed you were simply looking at other local places and not that you had sent him the info on that place for a reason. Also a mistake. But if you want a happy marriage, you both really need to learn that you are supposed to be a team and on the same side. It sounds like some couples counseling with a focus on better communication might be useful.
I don’t know if he thinks I do that often. I did not ignore his answer. I was perfectly happy ordering from the first place until he said that it got some bad reviews and that’s why we hadn’t ordered from there before. It seemed to me like he didn’t see those bad reviews after he sent it to me. Mentioning the bad reviews felt like an open invitation to look at other options
You could've clarified before placing the order, but you didn't do that either...
You're so hell bent on proving you didn't do anything wrong, that you're completely overlooking the fact that you didn't exactly do everything right either
until he said that it got some bad reviews and that’s why we hadn’t ordered from there before
He only said that because you asked "why not before?"
Mentioning the bad reviews felt like an open invitation to look at other options
You sound exhausting...yes it had some bad reviews, but he literally sent you the link wanting to try it, which is something people do knowing that the food may not be as good as another place...
And mentioning the bad reviews doesn't automatically open an invitation to explore other places considering he only said that in response to a question you asked
and rather than sending 1 more text and clarifying you made the decision unilaterally...
And now you keep trying to justify it to a bunch of strangers on the Internet
...and something about the fact that you picked a place closer to your grandparents house rather than the home you share with him kinda gives me the impression you do this more often than not
You've spent more time and effort arguing with strangers on the Internet than it would've taken to have some effective communication with your partner.... you seem more concerned with being "right" than you are with being there for your spouse....a healthy relationship isn't built on "technicalities"...and God that's exhausting to deal with
Also, the grandparent is an hour away. So now the Op is likely going to come home with cold Chinese food. Which isn’t bad, but maybe that’s not what he wanted.
I have brought home Chinese/Vietnamese food half an hour from home on my way home from elsewhere many times and it’s always hot. 🤷♀️ They put most of it in styrofoam (I would reheat my soup, but everyone else thought it was hot enough). It was a place we liked that was not right by the house so was a treat to get when it was on my way - I kept them programmed in my phone.
Maybe you should ask him if he thinks you do this often. Not everything is about someone being right or wrong. It’s not a battle. This is more about feelings. If he feels like he is often ignored, that is something deeper that needs to be addressed. Same if you have any feelings about how he interacts with you. “I didn’t do anything wrong” comes off as defensive instead of actively listening to what’s bothering the other person. He might do this to you too in other situations if you both feel the other doesn’t admit fault.
Just saying that it might be helpful to communicate how you both are feeling as opposed to the logistics of who is “right” and who is “wrong.” In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to sweat small things like this and understand each other’s intentions off the bat, and maybe that can eventually happen, but first you have to at least attempt to talk these things out without being defensive and allow each other to be vulnerable. Ultimately, this isn’t actually about Chinese food.
So you ignored his answer lmao. Fuck outta here explaining your thinking, we get why you did what you did. And we think you're an asshole for it. More for not accepting any fault whatsoever
I've had miscommunications with my husband, where we either heard or meant different things and end up with crossed wires. You wanna know what we don't do? Just point fingers at the other and insist it wasn't our fault. I own my end, he owns his, we laugh about it and talk about what went wrong, then we move on having learned something important. It honestly sounds like you both care about being right more than being connected.
It's not always (and honestly, it's rarely) about winning. Stop being locked in to your fight, and turn it into a funny story where you both "dun goofed" instead of just another angry footnote in your eventual divorce paperwork.
I would love that. I would love if I had called him to tell him I ordered from the wrong place and he said “oh man, I really wanted to try that first place!” And I could have said, “oh man, I’m sorry I really didn’t think you had a strong preference, we can definitely try that place next time or I can put another order in and pick it up on my way home!” And maybe he could’ve said “no big deal!” Because it literally is no big deal
But instead I called him and he was immediately angry with me. Explaining how I misinterpreted what he said only made him angrier. I could have deescalated but I’m so tired of him getting mad at me for stupid things. I got mad back.
You can't go back in time. You can only make a different choice now. Most of the time one spouse has to decide to be the bigger person first, and say "Hey, I don't like that we do this all the time. Why is this happening, and how can we stop it. I want us to make a change because this isn't good for us and I want things to be better."
If you start taking accountability and he still refuses to do it himself, then that's a different problem. But even in your response, you double down on your own behaviour. This isn't ever going to get magically better. You need to stop being in a competition over right and wrong and focus on actually solving the problem. Unless you don't want to stay married.
You should not be getting downvoted for this comment (getting mad back is the only bad thing, and while it’s not helpful, it’s understandable). After he texted that he was “okay with the first place” (still not, “I really want to try the first place”), you immediately called him to let him know that you had already ordered from the other. (At this point he had not yet said that he actually really wanted to try this place - it sounded like an offhand suggestion.) You could have not seen the text and just driven home, picking up food along the way, by then. But you did the decent thing and called him right away.
Assuming that you are presenting this honestly (which yes, is a big assumption on Reddit), he was vague and sounded like it was a suggestion that he, himself, didn’t think was a very good one, until you told him you’d picked something else - only then did he say that he really wanted to try it, while getting mad at the same time. He was downplaying his own suggestion until you’d done something else and the first time he was clear about what he wanted was when he got mad. There is just no way to deal with people who do this. The fact that he got madder when you tried to explain that you misinterpreted him (trying to take some blame yourself) just makes it worse.
Regardless, you made real efforts to be honest and shoulder some blame, and he didn’t - he waited until you’d already done something different before yelling at you and finally telling you what he wanted, and refused to apologize for his part in the misunderstanding. You should own the parts that are your fault, but it doesn’t really work unless both parties do this.
I can only assume that most people on here have not dealt with these people. It’s very passive-aggressive behavior and the only way to not get yelled at is to be a complete doormat and do everything they even vaguely suggest, and that’s not healthy for you. If this is a somewhat regular occurrence (him not really saying what he means, then getting mad because you didn’t do what he wanted), I would suggest counseling, but make sure you find someone good. This isn’t a pattern that you can break on your own - he has to be part of it.
This is a super minor thing and neither of you should have felt strongly enough about needing to be right to make it into an argument. I would genuinely recommend looking into couple's counseling. That's not to say there's necessarily some big flaw in the relationship, but positive communication within a relationship is a really important skill that takes work, and when there are trained professionals around to help with that work it makes sense to take advantage of that.
I get the impression this is indicative of a bigger problem. My last girlfriend, our final big blowout...the one that officially ended the relationship.... started at her grandfather's funeral over a key lime pie....but it was never about the pie
And this isn't just about Chinese...this is about a lady who twists words and misrepresents intent rather than communicate with her partner
She has spent more time and effort arguing with everyone on this reddit about who's "right" than it would've required to avoid the situation altogether
“this is about a lady who twists words and misrepresents intent rather than communicate with her partner”
It is at least as much about a guy who doesn’t say what he means, then gets mad when his wife doesn’t read his mind. She didn’t twist his words - he was vague and she was left to guess what he meant, through a text. She could have verified with him before making the final decision, but he absolutely should have said “I would like to try place 1” and not said “yep, that looks good, too” to place 2 if he really wanted to try place one. His communication skills are at least as bad, and then he got mad at her for his poor communication, whereas she bothered to call him and explain that she misunderstood him.
She said in the post that he texted her "I still wanna try the first place" after she already placed the order... because she placed it without confirming
You're just trying to white knight and pin this back on him
I’m not trying to “white knight” anything. I’m saying that he was vague. I’m saying that dealing with people who are vague and expect you to know what they meant rather than what they actually said is exhausting. There are people who do this to try to appear to be “easy going” and “flexible”, but then get mad when you don’t take their casual “that sounds interesting” as a “we should go here today” - those people need to learn to communicate. If this has happened multiple times, her husband is one of those people.
I agree that she should have confirmed, which I’ve said multiple times. But it was perfectly reasonable that she misinterpreted him, particularly given that they were texting. If this is a common pattern, it is likely that she has fallen into a pattern of trying to guess what he wants and do that to avoid him getting upset with her - this is not healthy. Remember, he got even madder when she tried to explain that she had misinterpreted what he said. A bunch of people on here are jumping on her for not reading his mind when it seems likely to me that she’s dealt with this passive aggressive behavior for awhile.
But it was perfectly reasonable that she misinterpreted him,
No it's not
He wasn't "passive aggressive"....he literally sent her a link saying "let's try this place because it's close to home"....and she quickly came up with a reason to get food from somewhere else, and did exactly that without confirming with him
He wasn't "vague"...he said "that place sounds good too"....and then followed up by telling her that he still wanted to try the first place
You're absolutely white-knighting
She didn't "misinterpret" shit...and the fact that she kept arguing with everyone on here kinda backs that up
It definitely doesn't seem worth getting that upset over. It's a pretty simple miscommunication. Either way you'll be having Chinese food for dinner and it's not like you can't try the first place next time you want Chinese food.
Info: If you got food by your grandfather’s house, which was an hour away from your home, doesn’t that mean that the food then had to travel an hour to get to your house? It must’ve been so cold by the time you actually got to eat it! Could that be part of the reason he is so annoyed?
It was packed well enough and I put it on the passenger seat with the seat warmer on. It was still steaming when I opened it when I got home. He never mentioned any worry about whether the food would be cold when I got home. But I suppose that could have added to his frustration
If it was as simple as that, then I agree that I’d be the asshole. But a lot of things happened in between him choosing a place and me ordering the food that made me believe he was fine with the second place. I wouldn’t have knowingly chosen a place he wasn’t on board with.
If you want him to choose a place, let him actually choose the place. Don’t wear him down and coerce him until you order from your own restaurant selection instead.
He didn’t want to eat there, and he wasn’t ok with it. You’ve just deluded yourself about this in hindsight while knowing full well it wasn’t what he wanted because he wanted the restaurant he selected.
If my husband suggested a place was “worth a try” then said it had a “bunch of bad reviews”, I would not assume that he really wanted it unless he explicitly said so. In fact, I think it’s a huge leap to assume that.
If he further said that another place was “ok too”, I would assume that he didn’t have much opinion between the two, because that’s what those words mean.
Even here with people explaining their point of view and giving the judgment you came looking for, you're still arguing and refuse to say just a simple "I can see your viewpoint, my bad". This sounds exhausting and I hope you're not always like that with your husband.
She didn't provide more information in her answer though, she repeated what she already said in her post. She just doesn't like the answers voting her the asshole (which is to be expected, even when the vote is split, if you come posting here, the least you can do is accept people's opinion).
You said “Even here with people explaining their point of view and giving the judgment you came looking for”, bringing way more of the comments into the discussion than just this little thread. Additionally, the top comment, by a large margin, is that she’s NTA because he was so vague. You’re trying to tell her that everyone thinks she’s TA, but that’s not true.
And her comment was absolutely clarifying - she didn’t just reject his suggestion immediately. There was some back and forth, which she misinterpreted, because he was vague and didn’t say what he wanted clearly. The whole conversation would have gone better if they’d picked up the phone instead of trying to text back and forth. But she thought she was just asking, not expecting him to suggest something, then say it has a bunch of bad reviews. She should have confirmed with him before making a final decision, but he desperately needs to work on his communication skills and say what he means. She has some fault, but he got mad at her when she explained that she misunderstood his texts - that is not OK.
You vastly misread and misinterpreted my comment. I never said everyone or even the majority voted her the asshole. I said that when people were voting YTA and explaining why so (as in the comment thread I was replying to), she was arguing about why they were wrong instead of gracefully accepting their viewpoint (that's the point of this place after all, asking for strangers' opinion). That's it. That's literally all I said. I never even told my own vote, for all you know, I could consider her NTA on the issue!
If it was still steaming an hour later, that means there's a chance it was still cooking some the entire time you were driving home...which can really affect quality depending on what you got. Freshness and quality aren't just about whether it's still hot.
YTA. You asked him to choose a takeout place, and when he did, you continued to look at other places yourself and override his decision without asking him. Why even ask him to choose in the first place?
If your spouse suggested a place, then said it had a bunch of bad reviews, you wouldn’t question that? She should have confirmed the final decision with him, yes, but continuing to look after that is very reasonable.
I was fine with his choice until he said it got bad reviews. I assumed at that point that he’d be open to looking at other places. When I sent him that second option, if he had said “I’d rather go with the first place” that would have been fine. But he said “that looks good too.” He didn’t give me any reason to think he had a strong preference for the first place.
Are you guys only texting? If so, I think you need to start calling each other instead then.
I took this as that place looks good too, so we should try there next time. It sounded like he wanted to try the first place this time, or else he would've said something like "That's better."
but that I did not feel like I had done anything wrong. He said “I bet you don’t!”
This makes me think that this isn't an isolated incident.
It's probably a lot more common with the genders reversed, but I had to teach myself to stop correcting others at every opportunity. Sometimes it's better to let others make bad decisions and learn to live with them, as long as it's not too impactful. It can be pretty annoying when someone doesn't respect your decisions and keeps changing them.
YTA. Given all your replies here to the judgements and the way you're bending over backwards to explain why you think you're not wrong, rather than take any accountability, clearly this isn't about the Chinese food with your husband.
"It's not about the Iranian yogurt."
If this is how you handle every disagreement with him, he's probably exhausted because you sound exhausting. I'd be worn down too. It feels like you don't listen to HEAR what is being said to you at all, rather you're just constantly ready to argue your pov.
You asked your husband to choose a place for dinner. -He did.
You wondered why you guys hadn’t been there before. Don’t know if you asked him this or not. But, he says “there are a bunch of bad reviews, despite the 4.3 rating, probably why we haven’t been there.” -My interpretation of this is not of him taking back his choice, but of him giving an explanation for why you guys haven’t given this place any consideration.
You then decide to look for another place, send it to him, and take his reply “yep, that looks good too” to mean that’s what he now wants. -Without actually confirming with him if he actually wanted that place. He never said he’d rather have the second option, just that it looks good too.
Hubby sucks for lashing out. He can always order from that restaurant in the future. This isn’t the only night he is allowed to possibly have that place for takeout.
I’m glad you realize what you could have done better.
I did say in my comment that your husband sucks for lashing out at you. While I agree with you that he did overreact, I don’t think it’s necessary for you to follow with a “but, he…” line
You have not lived with someone who is vague about what they want, then gets mad when you don’t read their mind. It is exhausting and can really make you lose your sense of self. I don’t find it surprising at all and suspect that her husband regularly communicates vaguely, then gets upset that she can’t read his mind.
I just keep keeping that the place near grandfather's was nearly an hour away, so that was some cold ass food as well, definitely more logical to pick the place close to home so it's still warm????
I thought that, but then realized she said “closer” to her grandfather’s house, not close, and wondered if it was midway or something? It’s not clear from the question.
On the other hand, if she’s leaving an hour before picking up, the food at the place close to her house could wind up sitting there awhile before she got there. It’s hard to say without knowing more.
I think this argument is over something else.... unless he always gets upset over trivial things? Either way best to communicate with your partner about it.
Is this something you do often? Ask him what he wants, than ignore what he says? My first thought was "this isn't the first time" and he is just frustrated. Did the phrase "Why did you even bother asking me?" Or similar come up?
I only started looking at other options after he said that the place got some bad reviews and that’s why we hadn’t tried there before. It seemed to me like he discovered those bad reviews after he had sent that as a viable option. Which is why it felt like it made sense to look at other places.
Fine, but that does really answer my question. Objectively speaking, without trying to justify our defend yourself, is this something that happens often? You ask him what he wants and then do something else?
I genuinely don’t think so. I honestly try to choose the things he likes over my own interests. He is a pickier eater than I am and doesn’t like a lot of the things I like, so most of our meals cater to his tastes. I will try to pay more attention to whether or not this issue comes up again. But no other specific examples of him making a suggestion and me choosing something else come to mind.
I would just have a conversation with him. Admit fault, tell him you are sorry. He is your partner and you love him, right? You don't lose anything by admitting you were wrong, but you can gain a lot. And then ask him if the restaurant is what he is really upset about, or if there is something else
But he did...he said it had bad reviews and that mightve been why they had gone before, but it was worth a try. OP decided "its worth a try" meant, "I dont want this". They sent a picture of a place they found, and he said the food looked good there too and OP decided to go with their choice and not their husbands. He did vocalize, they just assumed what he said meant something else🤷♀️. He said he wanted to try the place he chose.
He said it was worth a try before sending the comment about the reviews. If he had said “this place gets bad reviews but I think it’s worth a try” then I wouldn’t have misinterpreted what he said and I would have ordered from there.
First he said worth trying, then later said it got bad reviews. It seemed like he discovered the bad reviews after initially sending the link. I misinterpreted that as “maybe we actually shouldn’t try this place because of these bad reviews”
I would say this is maybe ESH and this should have been a let's communicate on the phone situation. Why would her husband want food ordered an hour away from home? The food would be cold by the time she comes home.
ESH both of you are awful at communicating. You made a lot of assumptions without validating, and he could also be more clear. And candidly, you both sound a bit insufferable with your unwillingness to admit you both could have handled it better.
Also, why would you order from a place that you then have to drive an hour with the food? Wouldn’t going to the place closer to home just be better in that regard anyway?
So I think where you might be the AH here is when you said I didn't do anything wrong. You clearly misunderstood the situation.
You should have said, " I'm sorry babe, I misunderstood. I thought when you said, "that they had bad reviews and then when I sent the other restaurant and you said Yep, that looks good too." That you were agreeing to order from the second restaurant." And
"I didn't mean to ignore your choice of restaurants."
That would have let him know it was a complete misunderstanding and de-escalated the whole thing. Instead, you got defensive and said that you didn't do anything wrong and made him the enemy instead of your partner. Who love and care about.
It would have given him grace for his irritation and he could have responded in alike hopefully.
If he doubled down then he would have been the AH.
I did get defensive where I probably shouldn’t have. As soon as I saw his text I called him to let him know I had ordered from the wrong place. He was so angry immediately. I did try to explain my misinterpretation of his comments, but it was after we were already in an argument.
It seems you like to keep arguing. You immediately go to being defensive even with everyone here giving you advice. You might want to do some reflection on why you feel like you have to deflect and defend instead of being open and accepting. You might have some wounds and shame that need healing.
Until you learn that people aren't your enemies and are trying to help you, or accept your own mistakes, you're going to continue to find yourself on the battlefield.
Your husband was frustrated. It was ok that he felt frustrated those were his feelings. Let him feel them. You accept your part in his frustration, apologize suggest a solution and de-escalate.
YTA not your fault you didn't see the message, but you asked him to do something which he did, and then you completely disregarded what he suggested and went with your own option.
But please explain, if your grandads is an hour away from where you live, why would you pick up food from a place closer to your grandads than a place closer to home?
This is a miscommunication really. But I still think YTA. You asked him to select a restaurant, and then you questioned it, selected another restaurant, and proceeded to buy from there. If you were going to do that, you could have left him out of the picture altogether. You questioned the restaurant, he explained that it had some negative reviews, and you chose to interpret his response as confirmation that you should select another restaurant.
Essentially, you wasted his time. If you plan on operating unilaterally, don’t pretend to consult your partner. It’s insulting and dismissive. He was probably mad because of this. And it isn’t the first time you’ve done it. On top of that, you are playing 3d chess with him, acting like you can’t fathom why he would be angry.
YTA. You asked him to pick, he did, and then you questioned his choice instead of accepting it, and when he did his best to answer, you seemingly deliberately misconstrued him so that you could pick something else. I'd guess that the real answer to why you haven't been there before is that he's suggested it before, you've turned it down in favor of whatever you wanted to do instead, and he didn't say that because he knew it'd be taken as deliberately picking a fight. So he took a guess about why you might have previously discarded it as an option, hoping that if he was right you'd conclude he knew what he was doing.
I gotta assume you're not doing this on purpose, it is rare to be that much of an asshole on purpose, but if you want to have fewer pointless arguments with your husband I'd counsel you to work on that. What you perceive as harmless curiosity is clearly coming across as a very hurtful habit of refusing to ever take his word on anything, which makes him feel like you think he's illiterate and foolish and incapable of making decisions by himself. Most people find that feeling upsetting.
NTA. LOL sounds like he's just having a bad day, or alternately he's a big giant baby.
Just order from the place by your house next time, even if it's out of the way. He's fine wanting to try it, and then he won't be able to complain anymore.
Here’s the thing - this will be the same argument you have for the rest of your life’s
Period.
He was unclear, you acted with GOOD INTENTIONS, and yet he has a pissy pants moment. It should be easy to see where the miscommunication could have happened. Instead he wants to throw it in your face and be the bigger man. Ridiculous. He is in the wrong.
ESH I guess. You asked him to pick a restaurant, he did. Then you went to search for others (but he did make a remark about bad reviews). His communication afterwards was a little vague, yes.
Both of you let this get way bigger than it should be. His “I bet you don’t” says all and your admission in this thread (“I admit I am maybe 1% wrong”) too.
This isn't about the Chinese takeout place. There's a lot more underlying tension to this argument. You asking about which place you picked us missing the point entirely. Why are tensions so high? Dig more into that.
Done similar things and was TAH. He picked and you changed. This is Not fair. Be nice and sometimes just do what he wants though you feel you just did the Change For a good/nice reason.
First, you asked him to pick out a place and then you decided on another place.
Second, the place you picked was an hour from home. That just means it will be cold or lukewarm at best when you get home with it. Who wants to spend the time heating up food after waiting for it for an hour?
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I asked my (32F) husband (36M) to choose a takeout place for dinner. I was visiting my grandfather about an hour away from home, and was going to pick up dinner on the way home. He found a place close to where we live, and sent a link to the place and said “worth just checking them out, they are close.” It was close enough to our house that I wondered why we hadn’t been there before. He said, “There are a bunch of bad reviews, despite the 4.3 rating, probably why we haven't been there.”
I started looking at other takeout places and found one closer to my grandfathers house on the way home. It also had 4.3 stars, but about 5x as many reviews as the other place. I asked him to check out the place I found. He said “yep, that looks good too.” So I immediately placed an order at that place since it was getting late and I was about to leave. After I placed the order, I saw he texted, “I’m okay with the first place I picked, I was just explaining why we probably haven't tried before now.” I didn’t see this message until after I placed the order at the second place. So I called him to tell him I ordered from the second place, and he became very irritated with me. He said that he had wanted to try the place that was closer to home to know if it was good and if we could be ordering from there more often. I said if that was the case, he needed to communicate that, and he shouldn’t have said “yep, that looks good too” when I asked about the second place. He said I shouldn’t have kept looking for new places after he already chose a place. I told him that I was sorry that he wasn’t getting to try the restaurant that he wanted, but that I did not feel like I had done anything wrong. He said “I bet you don’t!” From there, it turned into a way bigger argument than anyone should ever have over a stupid Chinese restaurant. Am I wrong for continuing to look at more restaurants after he suggested a place that he said got some bad reviews?
Seems like there's something else going on. You can always just order another time or order anyway even though you already have food. Sure you mafe s mistake but having an argument over this seems ridiculous.
Everyone sucks here. You shouldve confirmed through text, Ok so I'm going to be ordering from place two. He sucks because it should've just taken a 'oh sorry I didn't see your text, so I just ordered from place 2, since it was getting late"
I was raised by someone who acts like you did. Its not a safe feeling to get your words used to deny you your preference so they'll get theirs. Its never a very big thing, just constant small disappointments that- if brought up - you are told you are making a big deal of essentially nothing. It leaves partners drained and kids questioning every move they make.
Its a pattern of always doing what you want regardless of how others feel about it, or themselves for having an opinion at all.
How does anything OP did make anyone feel unsafe? Her husband said the second place looked good too. She saw that there were more reviews and made a choice. Why is that a problem?
Because they were not asked to look for another place.
Could husband have stood up for his choice better? Yes. But then he would have likely been asked why he was so rigid. It gets exhausting. I still find it difficult to stick to my choices at the slightest questioning because I experienced this my whole childhood. When you experience this for years on end in a thousand small and big choices, you end up disassociating from your own intrests. Or you feel like a crazy person because you are "being difficult " over a silly restaurant. Its a mental health slippery slope.
Husband was totally vague (said it was “worth a try” but had “a bunch of bad reviews” and the other place “was fine too”) and got mad because she didn’t know that he really had his heart set on the first place. He got madder when she tried to explain that she had misunderstood him (remember, they were communicating by text, so you need to be extra clear).
The one who has a right to feel unsafe is her - she has to read his mind or he gets mad at her.
I'm happy for you that you haven't had to live your life with some one who acts like this.
Lets be clear. He didn't say "lets find a diferent place" Or "maybe lets not eat here". He Only mentioned the reviews beacuse she asked. She decided that was enough to not eat there. And made other plans without asking or confirming because she thought she knew better. He got mad because she didn't check in before choosing a different spot. Which is valid, because she asked him to choose, he chose, and she overrode his choice without even informing him.
Y'all just go to the 4.3 place near your house the next time you're in the mood for Chinese food. Husband's making this a far bigger deal than it deserves.
NTA. He’s a bit of one for turning this into an argument when it was his poor communication that led to the situation happening to begin with. In the future, you could both communicate more clearly but if he’d just said he’d rather do the first place after you sent him the second, none of this would’ve happened.
Well, I might still order some. And bring it back. But it might just make him more pissed if it is really about the "my words aren't being heard" thing.
More food, more happiness, at least that is true for me.
NTA. Nothing he said would have communicated to me that he actively WANTED to get food from the first place. "Might be worth checking out" sounds like a suggestion, not a firm statement of preference, and I would also have interpreted the comment about bad reviews the way you did. Even his last text, "I'm okay with the place I picked" doesn't communicate that he really wanted to order from the first place, just that he didn't mind the bad reviews. There was no reason for you to think he cared one way or the other.
If this kind of indirect communication is normal for him, maybe it would help for you to ask direct questions in future. For example, "Do you still want to order from there, or should I look at some other options?"
At the same time, the fact that he got so angry over a simple miscommunication is a red flag to me. It shouldn't have been a big deal. Is this a pattern in your relationship?
Nah again don’t understand the Yta comments? He said yep that sounds good I’d have done the same.. he has a mobile if he’s not happy pick up the damn phone and say I want to go to the other restaurant.. especially if your with your grand parent why would you give up time with them to decipher his txt message? there’s wrong on both sides you could of double checked and he could grow up and let his feelings known!
Oh marriage, where you fight over non issues like they're declarations of war. You weren't wrong, there was a simple communication lag. He is being extremely pi$$y over it there is no reason you all can't eat the food from the place you ordered and try the place that's closer to home another time. He's acting like he's missed his one chance to try their food. I wouldn't waste any more time on this, he'll sulk for a while and get over it. If he is often angry over small things consider counseling or even leaving.
NTA - arguing over food is really stupid IMO since you can try the other place NEXT TIME. It really isn’t the end of the world and why he’s in such a state is sort of strange.
Not to stir the pot but why couldn't he have placed the order? Also what if you got hung up on the way home and the place closer to your home was closed by the time you got there?
Also had he ordered he probably could have had it delivered and waiting on you when you got home.
NTA His anger is out of proportion for the simple miscommunication you had. Life is full of this kind of little misunderstandings. Does he always get so frazzled?
If you read ops replies to everyone, I honestly don't feel like his anger is out of proportion. It's not about the Chinese food I'm guessing, likely more about how she constantly dismissed his input, does what she wants, then argues that "she DiD nOtHiNg WrOnG" or argues for arguments sake.
He shouldn't have lost his temper, no. But my guess is the "over reaction" was never about the food to begin with.
NTA. It’s a little-known fact that most restaurants are open almost every day of the week (esp Chinese restaurants), and so you or your husband could go to the other one—tomorrow—and try it out. Weird, huh?
NTA. But your husband sounds like my estranged brother: the type that takes an innocent mistake and makes it a personal affront. Hope you two don't have kids because the divorce will be easier that way.
NTA. He didn't explicitly state NOT to order food from the second place, only that it would be okay if you did so. Not only were you guys both fed, but there's plenty of time to try the first takeout place in the future so he needs to cool it. Maybe this is his way of picking a fight with you OP 😑
NTA
However this is the reason why I hate texting people about anything like this.
Stuff like this is best left to old fashioned type communication "talking" you should have called him or he should have called you.
Its a plain and simple and easy way to not have these issues because of a missed message.
I have had many issues with texting people with a bunch of different things, the biggest thing is if I'm running late or if I'm going somewhere (shopping) and I call them to find out if they need anything and they don't answer.
Only to find out when I come back they sent a text I never got that they needed something.
Sometimes I don't get texts because I'm in a building sometimes its because I live in a rural area and the biggest problem is I'm hard of hearing and don't always hear the notification.
I always tell people I communicate better on the phone if they don't answer my call or call me back that's their problem not mine.
Several years ago I just stopped telling people when I go to the bigger towns 65-90 miles away because they don't answer my calls and they blame me when I don't answer their texts.
Use your voice and mouth to communicate and it will eliminate issues in the future.
YTA. Your husband was quite clear that it was worth checking out the first restaurant and yet you went instead for a place you chose. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it but I can see why your husband is upset.
I wouldn’t say it was “quite clear” when he followed up with the fact that it got a bunch of bad reviews. I also asked his opinion for the second place before I ordered from there, and he said “yep, that looks good too”
Op said she wondered why they hadn’t considered the place before. He then says “there are a bunch of bad reviews, despite the 4.3 rating, probably why we haven’t been there.”
Sounds like he’s just giving an explanation to OP as to why they never been there. Not that he’s no longer considering it
He sent the link with a comment of “worth just checking them out”. Sounds completely noncommittal and very unenthused, not like he was really anxious to try it. Saying it had a bunch of bad reviews was further downplaying his suggestion, making it sound like a “I don’t really have any good ideas, but we could try this” suggestion. When she mentioned another place, he said, “yep, that sounds good too”. If he really wanted to try the first place, then when she mentioned a second one, he should have said “sounds interesting, but I’ve been really wanting to try the first place so would like to order from there this time” or something like that.
He needs to say what he thinks instead of thinking he’s being “nice” by sounding like he’s flexible, then getting mad when she can’t read his mind through the lines. He could easily have said “it has some bad reviews, but because it’s close to the house, I’d really like to try it for ourselves to see” when she asked why they hadn’t tried it before, but he didn’t - he waited until after she’d ordered from elsewhere to say this and get mad.
People like this are maddening and there is no winning with them - you’re left bending over backwards doing anything they vaguely suggest, hoping not to make them mad, because you can’t tell the difference between their casual suggestions and what they really, really want. Then you wind up doing stuff nobody really wants because you think their casual suggestion is actually something they want when it’s not. If you have never dealt with someone who does this, consider yourself fortunate.
To me, “worth checking them out” is not noncommittal (especially if that’s the only link he says.
OP says they wondered why they never considered the place before; he responds “there are a bunch of bad reviews, despite the 4.3 rating, probably why we haven’t been there.” This sounds like he is giving a reason why they haven’t considered it before, not that he is backtracking. He is giving a reason to OP’s question.
He only says that it “sounds good too”. OP could’ve also confirmed that the second option is now okay to order from.
He didn’t wait until after OP ordered to say he wanted the first place. OP ordered without checking their messages.
“Worth checking out” is incredibly noncommittal. I would have thought he was still looking for something else at that point.
With the “bunch of bad reviews” comment, I would not have been sure if that was backtracking or explanation, especially via text. I agree that she should have asked for clarification, but that does not change the fact that his language was vague and she was left trying to guess what he meant. She misinterpreted his intent, but he should have been more clear in the first place.
”He didn’t wait until after OP ordered to say he wanted the first place. OP ordered without checking their messages.”
That seems highly unlikely. She ordered right after talking to him (via text). It is far more likely that his text came through while she was ordering or right after.
In reality, this likely could have been avoided if they’d had a discussion on the phone instead of texting. And yes, she should have confirmed with him, but that doesn’t make it solely her fault when he was so vague in the first place. The fact that he got mad when she immediately called him upon realizing what he had meant confirms my impression that she made an honest mistake and he expected her to read his mind - my opinion would be different if he’d at all acknowledged his part in the miscommunication.
If it’s the only takeout place he suggested, to me, it shows that he was not looking for any other place
OP says they were wondering why they never considered the place before. Husband responded why they never considered it before
”wow! It’s so close to home. Why haven’t we been here before?”it has some poor reviews which is probably why we never considered it before” (making this wording up, but I’m assuming the convo was similar)
Well whenever he did say he wanted the first place… OP never confirmed with him if it was okay to start ordering from the second place. They just went ahead
I do agree that the husband reacted poorly, but I don’t necessarily think it’s his fault for poor communication. OP went ahead without actually confirming anything
I don't think the husband was quite clear, though.
The text about it having a bunch of bad reviews could easily be interpreted as an "Oh wait nevermind, I take back that suggestion now that I see the reviews" text, not a "just FYI" text. I definitely wouldn't assume that someone telling me they'd found a bunch of bad reviews for a restaurant was saying they felt strongly about wanting to go there. I can see how he meant it, but tone is hard to convey over text. That part was just a miscommunication that isn't really either of their faults.
Okay andits not her fault he failed to properly communicate that and hes an adult he can just order the food himself if hes going to make such a fuss over it tbh I think op was right on thus situation a place like the one her husband picked most Likely does have terrible food and my bet is they have significantly less reviews and higher rating is because they hide and delete ones that are bad i wouldnt trust food from there myself.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA he was being very vague and expected you to read his mind. ‘This place has bad reviews, probably why we haven’t been there’ after ‘worth checking out’ doesn’t exactly scream ‘I want to get it from the place with bad reviews’.
He needs to learn to be more direct when asking what he wants. Does he know you didn’t get his text okaying the first place until after you had already ordered?
Also even if he had been more direct, I don't see any issues in taking same kind of food he wanted from another place with less bad reviews. I think that he is upset that OP can decide by herself rather than waiting for his aproval for small things.
Cold ass food by the time she got home if the restaurant was closer to her grandpa, who lives an hour away
Exactly what I was thinking
It says “closer” to the grandpa, not close to, fwiw. I pictured something partway home from this, but it’s not clear.
If she ordered the food from the place near them, it could well be done and sitting there for awhile before she got there, anyway. Honestly, if she’s driving home from her grandpa’s and he cares so much where the food comes from, why didn’t he offer to order and pick it up?
I don't know that we can jump to that conclusion necessarily. He could be irritated initially because they've had this type of miscommunication before or maybe he was just disappointed because he had his mind set on trying it, like OP said. It's likely this is a NAH situation where two people got short with each other over a miscommunication.
If they’ve had this type of miscommunication before, then he needs to be part of fixing it and not expect her to read his mind. If he had his “mind set on trying it”, then he should have said so.
He can be irritated and disappointed, but he’s a grown up - he needs to acknowledge his part in the miscommunication (he wasn’t clear) instead of lashing out at his wife when she calls to explain what happened and that she misunderstood him. (She could have just pretended that she didn’t see his text because she’d already left, but that would be immature.)
He wants to be the “nice guy” by being vague so he seems like he’s being flexible and not deciding unilaterally, but then he wants her to read his mind between the lines and choose what he wants. At best, it’s poor communication on his part. At worst, it’s passive aggressive and mental abuse. It’s really exhausting to be on the receiving end of - you either get yelled at or lose your sense of self.
You’re almost not an AH, except your husband is right about this. You asked him to choose a place. He chose.
Then you started looking for other places?
Why ask him to choose if you’re just going to find a place yourself?
YTA, though it’s really minor. But, you asked, so 🤷♀️
I get this. For real. Except I was perfectly fine ordering from the place he chose until he said that it got bad reviews and that’s why we hadn’t tried it before. I misinterpreted that as “maybe we actually shouldn’t order from here because it got some bad reviews.” I shouldn’t have assumed that’s what he meant. But also- I asked his opinion of the second place before ordering to make sure he was good with it. He said yep that looks good too. So i feel like maybe I’m 1% the asshole for assuming. But like… why would I think he still wants to order from there after telling me it got bad reviews? So frustrating
You aren't the AH. I suspect there is more to the argument than he let on. He just allowed that small petty thing to open the door for a bigger argument.
So, you assumed.... at least twice.
He can want to try something despite it having some bad reviews. He can prefer not wanting to try something with better/more reviews.
A lot of times people just want to do things a certain way, period. Or just try something. And if you want to do different, you need to clearly verbalize that. I can agree a place has good reviews or looks good, doesn't mean I want to go there today or spend money there.
He just wanted to try a close to home restaurant. Some places just get reviews, good or bad.
Sometimes good and bad reviews don't tell the whole story and you just want to try a place.
The Chinese restaurant I go to has mediocre ass food for my tastes. Why would you wanna go then!? Well I first went cuz it had really good reviews.... from people with shit taste in Chinese that are used to shitty mediocre Chinese food.
I keep going cuz it's decently close, cheap, and I like to support the friendly owners.
My favorite Chinese restaurant for a decade had terrible reviews because white people kept ordering the wrong things. It was one of the first authentic schezuan places, and it was so good but you had a bunch of reviews based on shitty orange chicken.
Is this a regular thing for you two? You constantly railroading his choices, wants, needs, cuz you know better? Asking for his decision but in the end its just ends up being what you wat?
[deleted]
I don’t think OP is an asshole because some dude on tik tok said 3.5 is the judge of a restaurant.
This only works if the bad reviews are for service versus food. Good rule otherwise though!
Seconding this! If the bad reviews are all about the service, chances are the food is fire (also applies to Caribbean takeout)
Little dramatic to say "you will never know if its good" as if they wont probably order takeout from there eventually 😂
I honestly don’t understand how you could get that from what he said, and that’s the deciding factor here for me. You were in the wrong. Really minor issue, but YTA here.
How is she Yta? If he cared don’t txt Yep that’s good which is an indication I’m fine with that restaurant and pick up the phone.. and say no I want to go to the other one I’ll order it for you to swing by on your way home! She was with her grandad it wasn’t her responsibility to give up time with him to decipher cryptic txt messages
Because she shouldn’t have been looking for a new place. This isn’t about her missing his text. Life happens. But I don’t understand how she misinterpreted his text about the restaurant HE chose as changing his mind.
She asks him to choose a restaurant.
He chooses.
She asks why they haven’t been there before.
He tells her.
She randomly decides he doesn’t want to go there??
Makes no sense.
Because he said yep that looks good too as in I’ve looked at the menu at the new one and food looks good I’m fine with it?.. she asked him to choose he said there was a bunch of bad reviews so she looked at a second option sent it to him he text back yep that looks good too? I would of assumed the same
Except he didn’t say “yep that’s fine” or say he wanted to switch - NOR did she ask
Accept he DID? Are we reading the same txt or just blaming the female again because I’m confused? but about 5x as many reviews as the other place. I asked him to check out the place I found. He said “yep, that looks good too.” Here’s your proof that he definitely didn’t say it 😑
Yes, he said “Yep, that looks good too.” That does NOT mean “Yep that’s fine”. It means the restaurant itself looks good. Has no bearing on it as an option.
What??? Yep that looks good too is a. Indication of he’s okay with her ordering from there? Seriously if someone sent me a menu and I said yep that looks good.. I would expect them to assume I was okay with it? If not RING me and say no I don’t want to?
If my husband tells me a place has a bunch of bad reviews he knows full well I'm not ordering from there. If he wants to order from there he will also say "but I'd still like to try it " If I then sent a link to a completely different place he would let me know that it may be good but he is still really keen to try the place he sent me. OP's husband answered the question why hadn't they ever gone there before by saying it had a lot of bad reviews and nothing else. So she looked for somewhere else. When she sent the new link he said it looked good. In OP's shoes I'm thinking exactly what they are, my husband wants to order from the place with better reviews. The communication problem was entirely on his end. For that matter, as other comments have said, why was he asking her to order at all? Why didn't he order and tell her where to pick stuff up? She was helping her grandfather and he apparently had such distinct preferences that he can't be happy with anything else. He should have sorted it all out himself.
He said its worth checking out because its close despite some bad reviews and sent the link to order.
Husband was being nice about the other place, and might want to try them another time. But it was clear to me he wanted the first place.
In a vacuum this is a small issue. like my bad, we can get it next time.... OK cool
But my guess OP does similar things a lot. Where OP railroads and overrule him cuz OP always know better or assumes/ignores things.
”Husband was being nice about the other place, and might want to try them another time. But it was clear to me he wanted the first place.”
No, no, no. First off, he was not at all clear that he wanted the first place - he called it “worth a try” and said it had “a bunch of bad reviews”. It’s entirely reasonable that she didn’t interpret it as “I really want to try this today”.
Secondly, this is not “being nice” - this is simply not saying what you mean. In fact, if he’s going to get mad because she didn’t order from the first place when he mentioned it in this wishy-washy fashion, then replied to her link to the second place with “yep, that looks good too”, that is the opposite of nice. That is passive aggressive and it is mean.
Yeah, this stood out to me, too.
I would be annoyed about being interrupted while going about my day just to find out my time was wasted because my opinion was going to get ignored anyway.
The place with more reviews might be bigger, or near a place with more traffic. A hospital or college might be nearby, for example.
Also just the fact that the place he chose was close to their home, while the place she chose was close to her grandfather’s house (which is about an hour away).
So not only is her option not likely to be a regular dinner option for them in the future because of the distance, but also if she picks up the food on her way home, the food will be sitting in her car for about an hour before she gets home. It’ll be cold/not as fresh. It makes more sense to grab food from a place close to home, that way it’s still hot and fresh when you get home and finally sit down to eat it.
INFO: I think this is probably a case where the restaurant is not the actual issue. Do you have arguments like this often? Does he always escalate like this? Do you have a history of not admitting fault when you probably should have, or when he thinks you should have?
He and I both have the opinion that the other does not admit fault when it is due. To apply that to this argument, he thinks I should admit fault for ordering from a place other than his first choice. I don’t believe I did anything wrong, because he said “yep, that place looks good too.” I think he should admit fault for getting way more upset than is warranted over such a trivial issue. He doesn’t think he’s wrong for getting upset.
You should both admit fault for wanting to win more than to work on fixing miscommunications. You assumed he was fine with the second place but did not ask. That was your mistake. He assumed you were simply looking at other local places and not that you had sent him the info on that place for a reason. Also a mistake. But if you want a happy marriage, you both really need to learn that you are supposed to be a team and on the same side. It sounds like some couples counseling with a focus on better communication might be useful.
It sounds like he is upset that you asked him and then ignored his answer. Is this something you do often in his opinion?
I don’t know if he thinks I do that often. I did not ignore his answer. I was perfectly happy ordering from the first place until he said that it got some bad reviews and that’s why we hadn’t ordered from there before. It seemed to me like he didn’t see those bad reviews after he sent it to me. Mentioning the bad reviews felt like an open invitation to look at other options
No... no you didn't
Buuuttttt...
You could've clarified before placing the order, but you didn't do that either...
You're so hell bent on proving you didn't do anything wrong, that you're completely overlooking the fact that you didn't exactly do everything right either
He only said that because you asked "why not before?"
You sound exhausting...yes it had some bad reviews, but he literally sent you the link wanting to try it, which is something people do knowing that the food may not be as good as another place...
And mentioning the bad reviews doesn't automatically open an invitation to explore other places considering he only said that in response to a question you asked
and rather than sending 1 more text and clarifying you made the decision unilaterally...
And now you keep trying to justify it to a bunch of strangers on the Internet
...and something about the fact that you picked a place closer to your grandparents house rather than the home you share with him kinda gives me the impression you do this more often than not
You've spent more time and effort arguing with strangers on the Internet than it would've taken to have some effective communication with your partner.... you seem more concerned with being "right" than you are with being there for your spouse....a healthy relationship isn't built on "technicalities"...and God that's exhausting to deal with
Also, the grandparent is an hour away. So now the Op is likely going to come home with cold Chinese food. Which isn’t bad, but maybe that’s not what he wanted.
She said “closer”, not close. I wondered if it was partway in between? It’s not really clear.
Even if it’s smack in the middle, after a half hour it’s going to be warm at best, and anything crispy would be soggy.
I have brought home Chinese/Vietnamese food half an hour from home on my way home from elsewhere many times and it’s always hot. 🤷♀️ They put most of it in styrofoam (I would reheat my soup, but everyone else thought it was hot enough). It was a place we liked that was not right by the house so was a treat to get when it was on my way - I kept them programmed in my phone.
Maybe you should ask him if he thinks you do this often. Not everything is about someone being right or wrong. It’s not a battle. This is more about feelings. If he feels like he is often ignored, that is something deeper that needs to be addressed. Same if you have any feelings about how he interacts with you. “I didn’t do anything wrong” comes off as defensive instead of actively listening to what’s bothering the other person. He might do this to you too in other situations if you both feel the other doesn’t admit fault.
Just saying that it might be helpful to communicate how you both are feeling as opposed to the logistics of who is “right” and who is “wrong.” In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to sweat small things like this and understand each other’s intentions off the bat, and maybe that can eventually happen, but first you have to at least attempt to talk these things out without being defensive and allow each other to be vulnerable. Ultimately, this isn’t actually about Chinese food.
So you ignored his answer lmao. Fuck outta here explaining your thinking, we get why you did what you did. And we think you're an asshole for it. More for not accepting any fault whatsoever
I've had miscommunications with my husband, where we either heard or meant different things and end up with crossed wires. You wanna know what we don't do? Just point fingers at the other and insist it wasn't our fault. I own my end, he owns his, we laugh about it and talk about what went wrong, then we move on having learned something important. It honestly sounds like you both care about being right more than being connected.
It's not always (and honestly, it's rarely) about winning. Stop being locked in to your fight, and turn it into a funny story where you both "dun goofed" instead of just another angry footnote in your eventual divorce paperwork.
I would love that. I would love if I had called him to tell him I ordered from the wrong place and he said “oh man, I really wanted to try that first place!” And I could have said, “oh man, I’m sorry I really didn’t think you had a strong preference, we can definitely try that place next time or I can put another order in and pick it up on my way home!” And maybe he could’ve said “no big deal!” Because it literally is no big deal
But instead I called him and he was immediately angry with me. Explaining how I misinterpreted what he said only made him angrier. I could have deescalated but I’m so tired of him getting mad at me for stupid things. I got mad back.
You're still just arguing your point here. You can't even just straight up admit you part with a "...but it's actually his fault."
You can't go back in time. You can only make a different choice now. Most of the time one spouse has to decide to be the bigger person first, and say "Hey, I don't like that we do this all the time. Why is this happening, and how can we stop it. I want us to make a change because this isn't good for us and I want things to be better."
If you start taking accountability and he still refuses to do it himself, then that's a different problem. But even in your response, you double down on your own behaviour. This isn't ever going to get magically better. You need to stop being in a competition over right and wrong and focus on actually solving the problem. Unless you don't want to stay married.
You should not be getting downvoted for this comment (getting mad back is the only bad thing, and while it’s not helpful, it’s understandable). After he texted that he was “okay with the first place” (still not, “I really want to try the first place”), you immediately called him to let him know that you had already ordered from the other. (At this point he had not yet said that he actually really wanted to try this place - it sounded like an offhand suggestion.) You could have not seen the text and just driven home, picking up food along the way, by then. But you did the decent thing and called him right away.
Assuming that you are presenting this honestly (which yes, is a big assumption on Reddit), he was vague and sounded like it was a suggestion that he, himself, didn’t think was a very good one, until you told him you’d picked something else - only then did he say that he really wanted to try it, while getting mad at the same time. He was downplaying his own suggestion until you’d done something else and the first time he was clear about what he wanted was when he got mad. There is just no way to deal with people who do this. The fact that he got madder when you tried to explain that you misinterpreted him (trying to take some blame yourself) just makes it worse.
Regardless, you made real efforts to be honest and shoulder some blame, and he didn’t - he waited until you’d already done something different before yelling at you and finally telling you what he wanted, and refused to apologize for his part in the misunderstanding. You should own the parts that are your fault, but it doesn’t really work unless both parties do this.
I can only assume that most people on here have not dealt with these people. It’s very passive-aggressive behavior and the only way to not get yelled at is to be a complete doormat and do everything they even vaguely suggest, and that’s not healthy for you. If this is a somewhat regular occurrence (him not really saying what he means, then getting mad because you didn’t do what he wanted), I would suggest counseling, but make sure you find someone good. This isn’t a pattern that you can break on your own - he has to be part of it.
Can you admit you interpreted his message wrong?
Yes, I absolutely did
This is a super minor thing and neither of you should have felt strongly enough about needing to be right to make it into an argument. I would genuinely recommend looking into couple's counseling. That's not to say there's necessarily some big flaw in the relationship, but positive communication within a relationship is a really important skill that takes work, and when there are trained professionals around to help with that work it makes sense to take advantage of that.
I get the impression this is indicative of a bigger problem. My last girlfriend, our final big blowout...the one that officially ended the relationship.... started at her grandfather's funeral over a key lime pie....but it was never about the pie
And this isn't just about Chinese...this is about a lady who twists words and misrepresents intent rather than communicate with her partner
She has spent more time and effort arguing with everyone on this reddit about who's "right" than it would've required to avoid the situation altogether
This is my sense as well. OP is going out of her way to avoid taking any responsibility for the miscommunication.
“this is about a lady who twists words and misrepresents intent rather than communicate with her partner”
It is at least as much about a guy who doesn’t say what he means, then gets mad when his wife doesn’t read his mind. She didn’t twist his words - he was vague and she was left to guess what he meant, through a text. She could have verified with him before making the final decision, but he absolutely should have said “I would like to try place 1” and not said “yep, that looks good, too” to place 2 if he really wanted to try place one. His communication skills are at least as bad, and then he got mad at her for his poor communication, whereas she bothered to call him and explain that she misunderstood him.
She said in the post that he texted her "I still wanna try the first place" after she already placed the order... because she placed it without confirming
You're just trying to white knight and pin this back on him
I’m not trying to “white knight” anything. I’m saying that he was vague. I’m saying that dealing with people who are vague and expect you to know what they meant rather than what they actually said is exhausting. There are people who do this to try to appear to be “easy going” and “flexible”, but then get mad when you don’t take their casual “that sounds interesting” as a “we should go here today” - those people need to learn to communicate. If this has happened multiple times, her husband is one of those people.
I agree that she should have confirmed, which I’ve said multiple times. But it was perfectly reasonable that she misinterpreted him, particularly given that they were texting. If this is a common pattern, it is likely that she has fallen into a pattern of trying to guess what he wants and do that to avoid him getting upset with her - this is not healthy. Remember, he got even madder when she tried to explain that she had misinterpreted what he said. A bunch of people on here are jumping on her for not reading his mind when it seems likely to me that she’s dealt with this passive aggressive behavior for awhile.
No it's not
He wasn't "passive aggressive"....he literally sent her a link saying "let's try this place because it's close to home"....and she quickly came up with a reason to get food from somewhere else, and did exactly that without confirming with him
He wasn't "vague"...he said "that place sounds good too"....and then followed up by telling her that he still wanted to try the first place
You're absolutely white-knighting
She didn't "misinterpret" shit...and the fact that she kept arguing with everyone on here kinda backs that up
You're as exhausting as she is
It definitely doesn't seem worth getting that upset over. It's a pretty simple miscommunication. Either way you'll be having Chinese food for dinner and it's not like you can't try the first place next time you want Chinese food.
Info: If you got food by your grandfather’s house, which was an hour away from your home, doesn’t that mean that the food then had to travel an hour to get to your house? It must’ve been so cold by the time you actually got to eat it! Could that be part of the reason he is so annoyed?
It was packed well enough and I put it on the passenger seat with the seat warmer on. It was still steaming when I opened it when I got home. He never mentioned any worry about whether the food would be cold when I got home. But I suppose that could have added to his frustration
YTA. You asked him to choose a place, then chose your own anyway. I’d be annoyed
If it was as simple as that, then I agree that I’d be the asshole. But a lot of things happened in between him choosing a place and me ordering the food that made me believe he was fine with the second place. I wouldn’t have knowingly chosen a place he wasn’t on board with.
Quit arguing with the judgement.
If you want him to choose a place, let him actually choose the place. Don’t wear him down and coerce him until you order from your own restaurant selection instead.
He didn’t want to eat there, and he wasn’t ok with it. You’ve just deluded yourself about this in hindsight while knowing full well it wasn’t what he wanted because he wanted the restaurant he selected.
If my husband suggested a place was “worth a try” then said it had a “bunch of bad reviews”, I would not assume that he really wanted it unless he explicitly said so. In fact, I think it’s a huge leap to assume that.
If he further said that another place was “ok too”, I would assume that he didn’t have much opinion between the two, because that’s what those words mean.
Judgement? You do know the top comment by a mile is that she’s NTA because he was so vague, right?
Please tell me how I wore him down and coerced him
She said, argumentatively...
What would you say if the genders were reversed? Because I don’t think you’d comment this way.
Even here with people explaining their point of view and giving the judgment you came looking for, you're still arguing and refuse to say just a simple "I can see your viewpoint, my bad". This sounds exhausting and I hope you're not always like that with your husband.
Because not everyone giving opinions on here agrees with you and she’s trying to provide more information?
She didn't provide more information in her answer though, she repeated what she already said in her post. She just doesn't like the answers voting her the asshole (which is to be expected, even when the vote is split, if you come posting here, the least you can do is accept people's opinion).
You obviously didn’t read many of her replies.
I read the reply I responded to, which is how a conversation usually goes.
You said “Even here with people explaining their point of view and giving the judgment you came looking for”, bringing way more of the comments into the discussion than just this little thread. Additionally, the top comment, by a large margin, is that she’s NTA because he was so vague. You’re trying to tell her that everyone thinks she’s TA, but that’s not true.
And her comment was absolutely clarifying - she didn’t just reject his suggestion immediately. There was some back and forth, which she misinterpreted, because he was vague and didn’t say what he wanted clearly. The whole conversation would have gone better if they’d picked up the phone instead of trying to text back and forth. But she thought she was just asking, not expecting him to suggest something, then say it has a bunch of bad reviews. She should have confirmed with him before making a final decision, but he desperately needs to work on his communication skills and say what he means. She has some fault, but he got mad at her when she explained that she misunderstood his texts - that is not OK.
You vastly misread and misinterpreted my comment. I never said everyone or even the majority voted her the asshole. I said that when people were voting YTA and explaining why so (as in the comment thread I was replying to), she was arguing about why they were wrong instead of gracefully accepting their viewpoint (that's the point of this place after all, asking for strangers' opinion). That's it. That's literally all I said. I never even told my own vote, for all you know, I could consider her NTA on the issue!
You are arguing with any judgment that does not favor you. Why bother posting the question if you won’t entertain all judgments?
INFO you ordered takeout from a restaurant an hour away from home? I would be upset about that alone.
It was well packed and I put it on a heated seat. When I opened the containers when I got home, the food was still hot enough that steam came off it
If it was still steaming an hour later, that means there's a chance it was still cooking some the entire time you were driving home...which can really affect quality depending on what you got. Freshness and quality aren't just about whether it's still hot.
Why? We have microwaves
YTA. You asked him to choose a takeout place, and when he did, you continued to look at other places yourself and override his decision without asking him. Why even ask him to choose in the first place?
If your spouse suggested a place, then said it had a bunch of bad reviews, you wouldn’t question that? She should have confirmed the final decision with him, yes, but continuing to look after that is very reasonable.
I was fine with his choice until he said it got bad reviews. I assumed at that point that he’d be open to looking at other places. When I sent him that second option, if he had said “I’d rather go with the first place” that would have been fine. But he said “that looks good too.” He didn’t give me any reason to think he had a strong preference for the first place.
I didn’t override his decision without asking him… I DID ask him, and he said “that looks good too”
Are you guys only texting? If so, I think you need to start calling each other instead then.
I took this as that place looks good too, so we should try there next time. It sounded like he wanted to try the first place this time, or else he would've said something like "That's better."
In hindsight, that’s probably what he meant. But I interpreted it as “that looks good too, either place is fine with me”
I shouldn’t have assumed. But it seemed like such an inconsequential decision that I didn’t think it warranted further clarification
This makes me think that this isn't an isolated incident.
It's probably a lot more common with the genders reversed, but I had to teach myself to stop correcting others at every opportunity. Sometimes it's better to let others make bad decisions and learn to live with them, as long as it's not too impactful. It can be pretty annoying when someone doesn't respect your decisions and keeps changing them.
YTA. Given all your replies here to the judgements and the way you're bending over backwards to explain why you think you're not wrong, rather than take any accountability, clearly this isn't about the Chinese food with your husband.
"It's not about the Iranian yogurt."
If this is how you handle every disagreement with him, he's probably exhausted because you sound exhausting. I'd be worn down too. It feels like you don't listen to HEAR what is being said to you at all, rather you're just constantly ready to argue your pov.
Soft YTA/ESH.
You asked your husband to choose a place for dinner. -He did.
You wondered why you guys hadn’t been there before. Don’t know if you asked him this or not. But, he says “there are a bunch of bad reviews, despite the 4.3 rating, probably why we haven’t been there.” -My interpretation of this is not of him taking back his choice, but of him giving an explanation for why you guys haven’t given this place any consideration.
You then decide to look for another place, send it to him, and take his reply “yep, that looks good too” to mean that’s what he now wants. -Without actually confirming with him if he actually wanted that place. He never said he’d rather have the second option, just that it looks good too.
Hubby sucks for lashing out. He can always order from that restaurant in the future. This isn’t the only night he is allowed to possibly have that place for takeout.
I realize now I shouldn’t have assumed that he was no longer interested in the first place. But I feel like he overreacted
I’m glad you realize what you could have done better.
I did say in my comment that your husband sucks for lashing out at you. While I agree with you that he did overreact, I don’t think it’s necessary for you to follow with a “but, he…” line
The “but” negates everything that comes before it.
Yes to both. Neither of you is in the right here. You both owe each other an apology.
If people actually knew how to communicate with each other, the sub wouldn't exist.
Yeah it is hard to imagine this is a question being asked by an adult in their thirties.
You have not lived with someone who is vague about what they want, then gets mad when you don’t read their mind. It is exhausting and can really make you lose your sense of self. I don’t find it surprising at all and suspect that her husband regularly communicates vaguely, then gets upset that she can’t read his mind.
NAH, this is just being alive. You eat some good chinese food, you eat some bad chinese food, you go on a few diets, you die.
I just keep keeping that the place near grandfather's was nearly an hour away, so that was some cold ass food as well, definitely more logical to pick the place close to home so it's still warm????
I thought that, but then realized she said “closer” to her grandfather’s house, not close, and wondered if it was midway or something? It’s not clear from the question.
On the other hand, if she’s leaving an hour before picking up, the food at the place close to her house could wind up sitting there awhile before she got there. It’s hard to say without knowing more.
I think this argument is over something else.... unless he always gets upset over trivial things? Either way best to communicate with your partner about it.
We weren’t upset with each other before I ordered from the wrong place so I don’t think he’s mad about something else
Is this something you do often? Ask him what he wants, than ignore what he says? My first thought was "this isn't the first time" and he is just frustrated. Did the phrase "Why did you even bother asking me?" Or similar come up?
I only started looking at other options after he said that the place got some bad reviews and that’s why we hadn’t tried there before. It seemed to me like he discovered those bad reviews after he had sent that as a viable option. Which is why it felt like it made sense to look at other places.
Why are you ignoring the question that you are responding to?
I do not believe this happens often, and he did not say anything like “why even bother asking me”
Fine, but that does really answer my question. Objectively speaking, without trying to justify our defend yourself, is this something that happens often? You ask him what he wants and then do something else?
I genuinely don’t think so. I honestly try to choose the things he likes over my own interests. He is a pickier eater than I am and doesn’t like a lot of the things I like, so most of our meals cater to his tastes. I will try to pay more attention to whether or not this issue comes up again. But no other specific examples of him making a suggestion and me choosing something else come to mind.
I would just have a conversation with him. Admit fault, tell him you are sorry. He is your partner and you love him, right? You don't lose anything by admitting you were wrong, but you can gain a lot. And then ask him if the restaurant is what he is really upset about, or if there is something else
OP’s not at fault though. Her husband needs to vocalize what he wants instead of expecting her to read his mind. Ridiculous take.
But he did...he said it had bad reviews and that mightve been why they had gone before, but it was worth a try. OP decided "its worth a try" meant, "I dont want this". They sent a picture of a place they found, and he said the food looked good there too and OP decided to go with their choice and not their husbands. He did vocalize, they just assumed what he said meant something else🤷♀️. He said he wanted to try the place he chose.
He said it was worth a try before sending the comment about the reviews. If he had said “this place gets bad reviews but I think it’s worth a try” then I wouldn’t have misinterpreted what he said and I would have ordered from there.
First he said worth trying, then later said it got bad reviews. It seemed like he discovered the bad reviews after initially sending the link. I misinterpreted that as “maybe we actually shouldn’t try this place because of these bad reviews”
INFO - Why would you order food from near your grandfather's house, then drive it an hour home? Wouldn't it be cold by the time you got home?
Also, why are you telling him he needs to communicate more, when he did, you just missed the text.
Why could he not order the food, since he was already near the other place?
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I would say this is maybe ESH and this should have been a let's communicate on the phone situation. Why would her husband want food ordered an hour away from home? The food would be cold by the time she comes home.
YTA.
You told him to pick and he did. Why the hell did you keep looking for other options?
NAH Your marriage is pretty stable if this is your biggest argument. Both of you get over it.
ESH both of you are awful at communicating. You made a lot of assumptions without validating, and he could also be more clear. And candidly, you both sound a bit insufferable with your unwillingness to admit you both could have handled it better.
Also, why would you order from a place that you then have to drive an hour with the food? Wouldn’t going to the place closer to home just be better in that regard anyway?
This is a miscommunication that should have been a shrug rather than an argument. Like who actually cares, just try the other one next time.
This is not about the restaurant, and you know it.
Yeah we for sure have bigger problems
YTA
YTA in this argument, but it's such a petty thing to be arguing over. Are you okay?
So I think where you might be the AH here is when you said I didn't do anything wrong. You clearly misunderstood the situation.
You should have said, " I'm sorry babe, I misunderstood. I thought when you said, "that they had bad reviews and then when I sent the other restaurant and you said Yep, that looks good too." That you were agreeing to order from the second restaurant." And "I didn't mean to ignore your choice of restaurants."
That would have let him know it was a complete misunderstanding and de-escalated the whole thing. Instead, you got defensive and said that you didn't do anything wrong and made him the enemy instead of your partner. Who love and care about.
It would have given him grace for his irritation and he could have responded in alike hopefully.
If he doubled down then he would have been the AH.
I did get defensive where I probably shouldn’t have. As soon as I saw his text I called him to let him know I had ordered from the wrong place. He was so angry immediately. I did try to explain my misinterpretation of his comments, but it was after we were already in an argument.
It seems you like to keep arguing. You immediately go to being defensive even with everyone here giving you advice. You might want to do some reflection on why you feel like you have to deflect and defend instead of being open and accepting. You might have some wounds and shame that need healing.
Until you learn that people aren't your enemies and are trying to help you, or accept your own mistakes, you're going to continue to find yourself on the battlefield.
Your husband was frustrated. It was ok that he felt frustrated those were his feelings. Let him feel them. You accept your part in his frustration, apologize suggest a solution and de-escalate.
Not everyone here is giving her the same advice, plus the conversation was over before she posted here.
YTA not your fault you didn't see the message, but you asked him to do something which he did, and then you completely disregarded what he suggested and went with your own option. But please explain, if your grandads is an hour away from where you live, why would you pick up food from a place closer to your grandads than a place closer to home?
If he wanted to order from that specific place, he can submit the order and pick it up. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. NTA.
Then why even ask him for his opinion if she should just do whatever she wants anyway and he should just suck it up?
He initially stated he didn't care.
This is a miscommunication really. But I still think YTA. You asked him to select a restaurant, and then you questioned it, selected another restaurant, and proceeded to buy from there. If you were going to do that, you could have left him out of the picture altogether. You questioned the restaurant, he explained that it had some negative reviews, and you chose to interpret his response as confirmation that you should select another restaurant.
Essentially, you wasted his time. If you plan on operating unilaterally, don’t pretend to consult your partner. It’s insulting and dismissive. He was probably mad because of this. And it isn’t the first time you’ve done it. On top of that, you are playing 3d chess with him, acting like you can’t fathom why he would be angry.
YTA
One could ask why he didn’t order and pick it up if he cared so much, instead of expecting her to do that when she’s driving an hour home.
She offered. She was already out and about. So, picking up takeout on the way home is not really a big deal.
NTA. It was a simple miscommunication that you apologized for. Since the other place is so close to your house, you can try it next time.
YTA. You asked him to pick, he did, and then you questioned his choice instead of accepting it, and when he did his best to answer, you seemingly deliberately misconstrued him so that you could pick something else. I'd guess that the real answer to why you haven't been there before is that he's suggested it before, you've turned it down in favor of whatever you wanted to do instead, and he didn't say that because he knew it'd be taken as deliberately picking a fight. So he took a guess about why you might have previously discarded it as an option, hoping that if he was right you'd conclude he knew what he was doing.
I gotta assume you're not doing this on purpose, it is rare to be that much of an asshole on purpose, but if you want to have fewer pointless arguments with your husband I'd counsel you to work on that. What you perceive as harmless curiosity is clearly coming across as a very hurtful habit of refusing to ever take his word on anything, which makes him feel like you think he's illiterate and foolish and incapable of making decisions by himself. Most people find that feeling upsetting.
Trash. Who tf wants Chinese food an hour away. Yuck. You're in the wrong.
Lmao it was still steaming hot when I got home
Sure it was./s. Which is why your husband is so appreciative.
NTA. LOL sounds like he's just having a bad day, or alternately he's a big giant baby.
Just order from the place by your house next time, even if it's out of the way. He's fine wanting to try it, and then he won't be able to complain anymore.
Here’s the thing - this will be the same argument you have for the rest of your life’s Period. He was unclear, you acted with GOOD INTENTIONS, and yet he has a pissy pants moment. It should be easy to see where the miscommunication could have happened. Instead he wants to throw it in your face and be the bigger man. Ridiculous. He is in the wrong.
ESH I guess. You asked him to pick a restaurant, he did. Then you went to search for others (but he did make a remark about bad reviews). His communication afterwards was a little vague, yes. Both of you let this get way bigger than it should be. His “I bet you don’t” says all and your admission in this thread (“I admit I am maybe 1% wrong”) too.
This isn't about the Chinese takeout place. There's a lot more underlying tension to this argument. You asking about which place you picked us missing the point entirely. Why are tensions so high? Dig more into that.
Done similar things and was TAH. He picked and you changed. This is Not fair. Be nice and sometimes just do what he wants though you feel you just did the Change For a good/nice reason.
YTA
First, you asked him to pick out a place and then you decided on another place.
Second, the place you picked was an hour from home. That just means it will be cold or lukewarm at best when you get home with it. Who wants to spend the time heating up food after waiting for it for an hour?
YTA-he gave you a place you decided to change an order from food that’s further away from your house for no reason.
YTA for taking his polite comment wrong.
YTA for ordering takeout an hour from home instead of close to home and bringing home cold food.
ETA: YTA for asking where he wanted to order and then going somewhere else.
But you seem to be an entitled narcissist so you'll take the N T A judgements and ignore your culpability.
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I asked my (32F) husband (36M) to choose a takeout place for dinner. I was visiting my grandfather about an hour away from home, and was going to pick up dinner on the way home. He found a place close to where we live, and sent a link to the place and said “worth just checking them out, they are close.” It was close enough to our house that I wondered why we hadn’t been there before. He said, “There are a bunch of bad reviews, despite the 4.3 rating, probably why we haven't been there.”
I started looking at other takeout places and found one closer to my grandfathers house on the way home. It also had 4.3 stars, but about 5x as many reviews as the other place. I asked him to check out the place I found. He said “yep, that looks good too.” So I immediately placed an order at that place since it was getting late and I was about to leave. After I placed the order, I saw he texted, “I’m okay with the first place I picked, I was just explaining why we probably haven't tried before now.” I didn’t see this message until after I placed the order at the second place. So I called him to tell him I ordered from the second place, and he became very irritated with me. He said that he had wanted to try the place that was closer to home to know if it was good and if we could be ordering from there more often. I said if that was the case, he needed to communicate that, and he shouldn’t have said “yep, that looks good too” when I asked about the second place. He said I shouldn’t have kept looking for new places after he already chose a place. I told him that I was sorry that he wasn’t getting to try the restaurant that he wanted, but that I did not feel like I had done anything wrong. He said “I bet you don’t!” From there, it turned into a way bigger argument than anyone should ever have over a stupid Chinese restaurant. Am I wrong for continuing to look at more restaurants after he suggested a place that he said got some bad reviews?
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Seems like there's something else going on. You can always just order another time or order anyway even though you already have food. Sure you mafe s mistake but having an argument over this seems ridiculous.
I agree. We for sure have deeper issues
Everyone sucks here. You shouldve confirmed through text, Ok so I'm going to be ordering from place two. He sucks because it should've just taken a 'oh sorry I didn't see your text, so I just ordered from place 2, since it was getting late"
YTA/ESH. Pick up the phone and have a 10 second conversation. Texting sucks.
YTA
I was raised by someone who acts like you did. Its not a safe feeling to get your words used to deny you your preference so they'll get theirs. Its never a very big thing, just constant small disappointments that- if brought up - you are told you are making a big deal of essentially nothing. It leaves partners drained and kids questioning every move they make.
Its a pattern of always doing what you want regardless of how others feel about it, or themselves for having an opinion at all.
How does anything OP did make anyone feel unsafe? Her husband said the second place looked good too. She saw that there were more reviews and made a choice. Why is that a problem?
Because they were not asked to look for another place. Could husband have stood up for his choice better? Yes. But then he would have likely been asked why he was so rigid. It gets exhausting. I still find it difficult to stick to my choices at the slightest questioning because I experienced this my whole childhood. When you experience this for years on end in a thousand small and big choices, you end up disassociating from your own intrests. Or you feel like a crazy person because you are "being difficult " over a silly restaurant. Its a mental health slippery slope.
Husband was totally vague (said it was “worth a try” but had “a bunch of bad reviews” and the other place “was fine too”) and got mad because she didn’t know that he really had his heart set on the first place. He got madder when she tried to explain that she had misunderstood him (remember, they were communicating by text, so you need to be extra clear).
The one who has a right to feel unsafe is her - she has to read his mind or he gets mad at her.
I'm happy for you that you haven't had to live your life with some one who acts like this.
Lets be clear. He didn't say "lets find a diferent place" Or "maybe lets not eat here". He Only mentioned the reviews beacuse she asked. She decided that was enough to not eat there. And made other plans without asking or confirming because she thought she knew better. He got mad because she didn't check in before choosing a different spot. Which is valid, because she asked him to choose, he chose, and she overrode his choice without even informing him.
Y'all just go to the 4.3 place near your house the next time you're in the mood for Chinese food. Husband's making this a far bigger deal than it deserves.
NTA
NTA. He’s a bit of one for turning this into an argument when it was his poor communication that led to the situation happening to begin with. In the future, you could both communicate more clearly but if he’d just said he’d rather do the first place after you sent him the second, none of this would’ve happened.
I will happily order more food tbh.
I offered to place a second order from the place he chose after he made it clear that he would have preferred that place. He declined.
Well, I might still order some. And bring it back. But it might just make him more pissed if it is really about the "my words aren't being heard" thing.
More food, more happiness, at least that is true for me.
NTA. Nothing he said would have communicated to me that he actively WANTED to get food from the first place. "Might be worth checking out" sounds like a suggestion, not a firm statement of preference, and I would also have interpreted the comment about bad reviews the way you did. Even his last text, "I'm okay with the place I picked" doesn't communicate that he really wanted to order from the first place, just that he didn't mind the bad reviews. There was no reason for you to think he cared one way or the other. If this kind of indirect communication is normal for him, maybe it would help for you to ask direct questions in future. For example, "Do you still want to order from there, or should I look at some other options?" At the same time, the fact that he got so angry over a simple miscommunication is a red flag to me. It shouldn't have been a big deal. Is this a pattern in your relationship?
NTA
As long as the food is good who cares!?
Your husband blew the whole thing way out of proportion.
Nah again don’t understand the Yta comments? He said yep that sounds good I’d have done the same.. he has a mobile if he’s not happy pick up the damn phone and say I want to go to the other restaurant.. especially if your with your grand parent why would you give up time with them to decipher his txt message? there’s wrong on both sides you could of double checked and he could grow up and let his feelings known!
I'm with you. I hear that 2 places look good, I decide to try the second because there are more reviews, I don't get why anyone has a problem with it.
ESH. You both messed up, and even if you hadn’t you both should apologize for the sake of your relationship.
ESH This seems like such an unimportant thing. You misunderstood him and he got annoyed. Such things happen.
NTA
1fyb 8 L
Oh marriage, where you fight over non issues like they're declarations of war. You weren't wrong, there was a simple communication lag. He is being extremely pi$$y over it there is no reason you all can't eat the food from the place you ordered and try the place that's closer to home another time. He's acting like he's missed his one chance to try their food. I wouldn't waste any more time on this, he'll sulk for a while and get over it. If he is often angry over small things consider counseling or even leaving.
If you live so close why didn't he just go?
He was comfortable at home, and I was already out and had offered to pick up food on my way home
NTA - arguing over food is really stupid IMO since you can try the other place NEXT TIME. It really isn’t the end of the world and why he’s in such a state is sort of strange.
Not to stir the pot but why couldn't he have placed the order? Also what if you got hung up on the way home and the place closer to your home was closed by the time you got there?
Also had he ordered he probably could have had it delivered and waiting on you when you got home.
NTA His anger is out of proportion for the simple miscommunication you had. Life is full of this kind of little misunderstandings. Does he always get so frazzled?
If you read ops replies to everyone, I honestly don't feel like his anger is out of proportion. It's not about the Chinese food I'm guessing, likely more about how she constantly dismissed his input, does what she wants, then argues that "she DiD nOtHiNg WrOnG" or argues for arguments sake.
He shouldn't have lost his temper, no. But my guess is the "over reaction" was never about the food to begin with.
NTA
NTA. It’s a little-known fact that most restaurants are open almost every day of the week (esp Chinese restaurants), and so you or your husband could go to the other one—tomorrow—and try it out. Weird, huh?
It's food what does it matter he can try that closer restaurant next week! I think he's just being a baby with his bottle.
What a First World crime against Entitlement! You have bigger issues than Chinese take out.
Lol what is he? 5? He is a big boy so he can use his big boy voice and order there himself
NTA Why would want to get take out from a place with a lot of bad reviews? Also he could have placed the order himself.
NTA. But your husband sounds like my estranged brother: the type that takes an innocent mistake and makes it a personal affront. Hope you two don't have kids because the divorce will be easier that way.
NTA. He didn't explicitly state NOT to order food from the second place, only that it would be okay if you did so. Not only were you guys both fed, but there's plenty of time to try the first takeout place in the future so he needs to cool it. Maybe this is his way of picking a fight with you OP 😑
NTA However this is the reason why I hate texting people about anything like this. Stuff like this is best left to old fashioned type communication "talking" you should have called him or he should have called you. Its a plain and simple and easy way to not have these issues because of a missed message. I have had many issues with texting people with a bunch of different things, the biggest thing is if I'm running late or if I'm going somewhere (shopping) and I call them to find out if they need anything and they don't answer. Only to find out when I come back they sent a text I never got that they needed something. Sometimes I don't get texts because I'm in a building sometimes its because I live in a rural area and the biggest problem is I'm hard of hearing and don't always hear the notification. I always tell people I communicate better on the phone if they don't answer my call or call me back that's their problem not mine. Several years ago I just stopped telling people when I go to the bigger towns 65-90 miles away because they don't answer my calls and they blame me when I don't answer their texts. Use your voice and mouth to communicate and it will eliminate issues in the future.
YTA. Your husband was quite clear that it was worth checking out the first restaurant and yet you went instead for a place you chose. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it but I can see why your husband is upset.
I wouldn’t say it was “quite clear” when he followed up with the fact that it got a bunch of bad reviews. I also asked his opinion for the second place before I ordered from there, and he said “yep, that looks good too”
How does "worth checking out" and "they have a bunch of bad reviews" make it quite clear that he wanted to try it?
Op said she wondered why they hadn’t considered the place before. He then says “there are a bunch of bad reviews, despite the 4.3 rating, probably why we haven’t been there.”
Sounds like he’s just giving an explanation to OP as to why they never been there. Not that he’s no longer considering it
He sent the link with a comment of “worth just checking them out”. Sounds completely noncommittal and very unenthused, not like he was really anxious to try it. Saying it had a bunch of bad reviews was further downplaying his suggestion, making it sound like a “I don’t really have any good ideas, but we could try this” suggestion. When she mentioned another place, he said, “yep, that sounds good too”. If he really wanted to try the first place, then when she mentioned a second one, he should have said “sounds interesting, but I’ve been really wanting to try the first place so would like to order from there this time” or something like that.
He needs to say what he thinks instead of thinking he’s being “nice” by sounding like he’s flexible, then getting mad when she can’t read his mind through the lines. He could easily have said “it has some bad reviews, but because it’s close to the house, I’d really like to try it for ourselves to see” when she asked why they hadn’t tried it before, but he didn’t - he waited until after she’d ordered from elsewhere to say this and get mad.
People like this are maddening and there is no winning with them - you’re left bending over backwards doing anything they vaguely suggest, hoping not to make them mad, because you can’t tell the difference between their casual suggestions and what they really, really want. Then you wind up doing stuff nobody really wants because you think their casual suggestion is actually something they want when it’s not. If you have never dealt with someone who does this, consider yourself fortunate.
To me, “worth checking them out” is not noncommittal (especially if that’s the only link he says.
OP says they wondered why they never considered the place before; he responds “there are a bunch of bad reviews, despite the 4.3 rating, probably why we haven’t been there.” This sounds like he is giving a reason why they haven’t considered it before, not that he is backtracking. He is giving a reason to OP’s question.
He only says that it “sounds good too”. OP could’ve also confirmed that the second option is now okay to order from.
He didn’t wait until after OP ordered to say he wanted the first place. OP ordered without checking their messages.
“Worth checking out” is incredibly noncommittal. I would have thought he was still looking for something else at that point.
With the “bunch of bad reviews” comment, I would not have been sure if that was backtracking or explanation, especially via text. I agree that she should have asked for clarification, but that does not change the fact that his language was vague and she was left trying to guess what he meant. She misinterpreted his intent, but he should have been more clear in the first place.
”He didn’t wait until after OP ordered to say he wanted the first place. OP ordered without checking their messages.”
That seems highly unlikely. She ordered right after talking to him (via text). It is far more likely that his text came through while she was ordering or right after.
In reality, this likely could have been avoided if they’d had a discussion on the phone instead of texting. And yes, she should have confirmed with him, but that doesn’t make it solely her fault when he was so vague in the first place. The fact that he got mad when she immediately called him upon realizing what he had meant confirms my impression that she made an honest mistake and he expected her to read his mind - my opinion would be different if he’d at all acknowledged his part in the miscommunication.
If it’s the only takeout place he suggested, to me, it shows that he was not looking for any other place
OP says they were wondering why they never considered the place before. Husband responded why they never considered it before
”wow! It’s so close to home. Why haven’t we been here before?” it has some poor reviews which is probably why we never considered it before” (making this wording up, but I’m assuming the convo was similar)
Well whenever he did say he wanted the first place… OP never confirmed with him if it was okay to start ordering from the second place. They just went ahead
I do agree that the husband reacted poorly, but I don’t necessarily think it’s his fault for poor communication. OP went ahead without actually confirming anything
I don't think the husband was quite clear, though. The text about it having a bunch of bad reviews could easily be interpreted as an "Oh wait nevermind, I take back that suggestion now that I see the reviews" text, not a "just FYI" text. I definitely wouldn't assume that someone telling me they'd found a bunch of bad reviews for a restaurant was saying they felt strongly about wanting to go there. I can see how he meant it, but tone is hard to convey over text. That part was just a miscommunication that isn't really either of their faults.
Okay andits not her fault he failed to properly communicate that and hes an adult he can just order the food himself if hes going to make such a fuss over it tbh I think op was right on thus situation a place like the one her husband picked most Likely does have terrible food and my bet is they have significantly less reviews and higher rating is because they hide and delete ones that are bad i wouldnt trust food from there myself.
15 years ago, it would have been a slight dick move. These days, all Chinese places get their food from the same supplier and heat it up. NTA.