Hey yall. So I'm going through a situation right now with my sister. I'll keep it brief without trying to give out too much details. I apologize in advance for poor grammar. For context I'm in my 20s and she is 18. We live with our grandparents with our other siblings here (minors) Originally it was just supposed to be me living with them so I have my own room in this house while they share. I am in college and working part time while also being chronically ill. My sister is difficult to be around majority of the time as she has a victim mindset and thinks she can do whatever she wants (such as stealing money from me and my grandparents and much worse)
She has a very on and off again toxic relationship and refuses to take accountability over it. She recently got pregnant by him. It has been so bad that my grandparents threatened to kick her out because she is disrespectful to everyone in the house and my grandparents said they do not want him in the house at all (before she got pregnant) and she continually snuck in him when everyone was sleeping.
Now that she is pregnant she is even more miserable to be around saying it's hormones. She got into an argument again with my grandparents recently and they threatened to kick her out if she continues being disrespectful to everyone. She brought up the fact that I'm in my 20s still living here when I should be the one kicked out since I'm older. I'm usually at school, work or at doctors office and all of that takes up my whole day which she knows since I've explained multiple times to her. Then proceeded to say she should have my room since she will need more space now that she has a baby on the way and that I am never home anyway.
It was my final straw and I literally said some hurtful things to her because of the constant disrespect over the years. I basically said she can't even finish high school (she unenrolled because she didnt want to go) let alone keep a job because she always calls out and gets fired for poor attendance because hanging out with friends and partying is more important so she needs to reevaluate herself before even criticizing my life and telling my grandparents what they should do when she isn't even supposed to be in the house to begin with and that she is only here because she kept messing up her own life.
She then started cussing me out saying that I don't care about her or the baby and at that point I said she's right and she can f*** off and leave me out of anything related to her or the baby. I then went to my room and slammed the door. She proceeded to cry and call her friends and talk about how bad of a person I am.
My younger sister said some stuff I said was harsh but I disagree. She needed a reality check of the situation.
AITA for stooping low and calling out my sisters mistakes and making her upset over it and telling her to f*** off?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
pregnant or not, your sister doesn't have a single right to dictate who lives at your grandparent's, neither the accommodations
You're very right, she needed a reality check: she's in deeeeeep trouble and I believe she has this fantasy about having a baby that fixes her life
NTA agreed. I feel bad for the unborn kid. What dysfunction ☹️
Honestly I think you're right. I think she also thinks it will bring the baby daddy back. I am trying to figure out a way with my mom to somehow get at least guardianship over baby.
From what you have said, your sister is going to bounce the minute that she has to look after this baby without family support. Personally I would wait for her to realize how hard it is to raise a child as a single, independent parent. Wait until she leaves the baby with someone so that she can attend a hair appointment… and then doesn’t come back for a week…
Or ever
You mean the first of many babies right?
Why do you think you have any authority over your sister's baby? You may not like her behaviour but that gives you no right to her child.
I never said or thought I have authority over the baby. Maybe I worded it wrong. She doesn't know what she wants and regardless at the end of the day she is having the baby so I was talking to my mom to talk to her about maybe getting guardianship over it so she can figure out what she wants because it's unhealthy and possibly unsafe for the baby not to have a stable life such has food and clothes. She doesn't even have a job to afford or for it or accepting help.
Why isn’t your sister living with her mother? If your mother can’t take care of her own kids, why would she be able to take a baby?
Why is all of this on the grandparents, and tangentially, on you?
Our mom found out she was getting into legal trouble and not attending school so she started becoming strict and my sister didn't like that because she believes she can do whatever she wants. She got in legal trouble with the school for attendance. To avoid it she switched school districts to make the attendance look like a fresh start but continued the patterns. My mom does pay for the groceries and school supplies and everything else my siblings need. The difference between my mom's house and grandparents house is almost 3 hours away. My siblings are just staying here during the school year to be in a better school district and then go back during vacation.
The police one day showed up with my sister in handcuffs back to my mom's house and they said the next offense she would end up in the juvenile hall. So she made a deal that she would go to my grandparents house and fix it since it's a different school district. My grandparents were okay with the idea since it was basically the same thing my other siblings were doing. We didn't know she was lying about not going to school because she would take the school bus from and back home on time. She was leaving campus after being dropped up and making it back in time to head home. After the letter came in the mail talking about her attendance it was too late. She just turned 18 and unenrolled without notifying anyone. So now that she's here it has been none stop issues.
Oh, hey! Thanks for replying. That’s really nice of you and cleared up some things for me and probably others.
I know your grandparents are doing their best but it is far past time for your sister to go back to your mother’s home. The first time she went off on people in the grand’s house, she should have gotten a warning; the second time, she should have been gone. The first time she stole from you or the grands, she should have been gone. Perhaps juvie would have done her some good.
It is unfair to the younger children to suffer through your sister’s behavior. It is unfair for you, someone who is trying to do the right things and make good decisions, to have to suffer from her behavior. Obviously, this is an unfair situation for the grands.
It is also unfair to your sister for people to continue to enable her atrocious behavior without consequences. She should be given one last overarching warning, and then she can choose her mother’s house or her baby daddy’s house. Then the locks get changed. She and the baby should not be your problem nor a problem for your grands.
I hope you and your younger siblings are doing everything you can to help out your grandparents while you are with them.
And, in case you haven’t heard it from anyone lately, I am so proud of you. You are conscientious, hard-working, studious, driven, responsible…just everything anyone could want in their young adult child. Keep making good decisions and teaching the youngers to be more like you.
NTA: You are hereby absolved from your loss of temper and your verbal response to your sister. The counsel (me) ruled it temporary insanity and self-defense. Forgive yourself and move forward.
If you live in the US since she’s pregnant your sister might qualify for Medicaid, WIC (food benefits for pregnant/breastfeeding women, babies, and young children), possibly SNAP, and the baby would qualify for CHIP (children’s health insurance).
Yes I already gave her info on that and parenting classes that the WIC office recommended
It sounds like you’ve done all you can at this point then. You gave her the info on resources available to her, it’s up to her to use them or not.
Once the baby is here you and your mom will just have to keep an eye on things. Hopefully your sister will step up and parent, you never know.
But if that doesn’t happen then document any instances of neglect or her dumping the baby on you/your mom and disappearing. That record could help if your mom needs to try for guardianship.
Sorry to break it to you but i had my mom try and get some kinda "guardianship" and the judge didnt allow it and mentioned it's be up to me & dad to decide those kinda rights for mom to have.. but in this situation no you weren't an asshole
It really depends on the situation, because I know friends who have lost their kids to their parents because they were addicts or unfit to be parents, and the judge decided with the grandparents. It’s really a case by case basis and a state by state basis, if they’re in the US.
I'm so sick of people who use pregnancy as an excuse for everything, including being disrespectful and entitled. OP's sister (and her partner) is the one who got herself pregnant; she needs to take responsibility for her actions and decisions.
That girl is my SIL to a T.
Had a child to fix the relationship with her drunkard ex (spoiler, it didn't work), steals from her parents, and is the poor victim of the patriarchy. Everything that doesn't work out in her life is never her fault. She constantly screams at her child (11yo), belittles and insults him, and uses him as a pawn in the power struggle against her ex.
Girl this is a hard NTA
Thank you. I was also having doubts because of being the eldest sister. I just feel like I should have never stooped to that level.
I am older sister as well if my sisters acted like this repeatedly I feel like break too she brought you to that point NTA
Your sis is verbally and emotionally abusive. If you don’t stand your ground and have clear and unmovable boundaries you will only enable her. This pregnancy and situation is likely a continuing mess and she will only implode further. She sounds like she needs serious therapy but will she go and do the work? People change because they want to and they can. People are abusive because they want to be. You are only obligated to protect yourself when family is toxic and dysfunctional.
Definitely NTA!! I'm the baby sister with an older sister. Honey, you're telling her some harsh truths that she needs to hear BEFORE she becomes a mother. She acts like she's ENTITLED. Uummm, NO. Nor do you get to be disrespectful, ungrateful, and inconsiderate of those around you. I got a $100 that says the sister doesn't raise her own baby-- it'll be the grandparents or Baby Daddy's family. I said what I said!! Sorry Not Sorry 🤷♀️🤷♀️ 😂😂 I've seen it, especially from girls like your sister. Oh, and I'm an asshole, and I'm fine with that. I deliver hard truths all the time. Maybe you should work on your .... delivery?? of those truths. Because if you really love/care about someone, then you're going to be honest with them, even if they don't like what you say. But the way you say things determines how well they listen to what you've got to say.
NTA. Also get a lock for the door to your room.
Yes already did 🫡
Honestly, I feel so bad for that child. I hope she has an abortion, because that kid is going to lead a miserable life because of their "mother"
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how is it a harsh jump? It's a fetus that will one day be a child if this 18-yo doesn't abort and she has zero means and zero emotional awareness. Popping out kids just for the sake of it, knowing you won't be able to care for them, just to dump them into an abusive and traumatizing system doesn't sound very pro choice to me, and sounds a hell of a lot harsher than just preventing that child to begin with.
Yep. People act like bringing the child into the world regardless of the circumstances is the ultimate moral choice and it isn't. This girl will not be able to take care of that child in a healthy or stable way. Worst case, she dumps them on the grandparents who seem to be housing and already raising 4 of their grandkids. Mom and dad are raising them, meaning they're probably shit. The kid going into the f9rster system is not a good option either. For every 1 good foster home there are dozens of shitty neglectful homes just in it for the paycheck, not the kids wellbeing.
She should move in with the guy who impregnated her. If they aren’t willing to live together, why are they having a child together?
They are both 18. He doesn't want the baby and made that very clear. His mom also doesn't want anything to do with it because she thinks she is baby trapping him.
Your sister should get an abortion but it sounds like she likes the attention of being pregnant, or at least the ability to demand attention because she's pregnant.
Grandparents need to kick her out before the baby comes, otherwise you are all going to be raising the kid for her while she goes out to party.
And something tells me if they step in take care of the baby, a second baby won’t be too far behind…
Attention, yea. Wait til she has to change a poopy diaper.
Something tells me that if she actually does, the diaper will be left in a corner to stink up the whole house.
If only the future father had some power and agency in this situation. It's such a shame for him that the only way to have prevented the pregnancy that he didn't want (and that his mother thinks he's a victim of) was for OP's sister to use birth control. There was nothing that poor guy could have done to prevent this. /s NTA
I mean you never know what happened coulda said she was on the pill she sounds problematic and usally guys don’t say they’re getting baby trapped if they didn’t use a condom
Poor guy
Careless, unprotected sex. Stupid excuses. "I dont like condoms." "If I'm knocked up, he won't leave me." Whatever. Hopefully, she'll put the baby up for adoption and grow up.
NTA, sometimes you have to tell people the reality of the situation, and most people don't seem to like that.
NTA, but the immature dumb*** that is going to be a mother is TA. Like she will just raise and continue the cycle of childhood trauma. I never seen such entitlement in my life. I am sorry you have that as your sister.
NTA
Your sister reminds me of Debbie from Shameless.
🤣🤣
NTA, she needed a wake-up call, and she got one that she didn't like. Are there any programs in the area that help pregnant mothers because that's where I'd be telling her to go. Now her feelings hurt by the truth, but they were fine when she was talking her sh*t
Some people use any reason to play the victim card. She wants your room? She needs it for the baby. She needs money? So she steals it. Dropped out of high school, no job because she's lazy, ignores your grandparents...she is racking up a long list of huge warning flags. If she decides to keep the baby, watch closely to make sure he/she is safe, your sister sounds pretty unbearable.
Yes I honestly am trying to see if my mom can at least get guardianship over the baby.
your mom doesn't even house her own children
good luck getting guardianship...lol
She has a place and my sister's original room plus space for my other siblings. My sister just doesn't like the fact she won't get her way. And my other siblings stay here by choice for school and mom is still the legal guardian of them.
NTA. Hard love is the best love sometimes
Is there a way to call child services on behalf of a child that doesn't exist yet?
Yes there is! I work for children's services and we deal with unborn cases all the time.
Would be nice honestly.
I'm sure CPS wants to have their time wasted anytime you don't approve of how some person doesn't approve of someone else's life choices. You should be the sole arbiter of whom should have a child. The sheer audacity of your thinking is incredible.
Today on reddit: person who has never heard a joke before.
Also, if even it wasn't a joke, another person replied who works for child services and says they deal with cases like this all time.
So in conclusion, your comment is remarkably ignorant on multiple levels.
Have the day you deserve.
I am having a very lovely day, thank you!
You got called out for being wrong on multiple levels and had no counterargument for any of them. This comment just further shows how incredible the sheer audacity of your thinking is.
NTA. Poor child.
Why are you all living with your grandparents? Are your parents alive? What about the other grandparents?
Younger siblings by choice because they wanted to go to the school district here. Me because they had guardianship me. And my sister in this situation because she doesn't like the fact my mom was actually making her do what she was supposed to do (such as go to school)
So what's the current plan for your sister and the baby? Have your grandparents said they are willing to keep sis and the baby at theirs? Or has your sister made up a scenario in her head and is now trying to bully everyone to make it come true? Like, have any actual grown-up conversations been had about her responsibilities going forward and any boundaries your grandparents have? How is she going to raise a baby without any job? NTA and I would have said worse, tbh but I am really curious as to why your sister feels so entitled in your grandparents' home? Has she had the green light to stay before this blow-up?
Not at all! Screw her! You'll have a better life filling it with people who want to be there and are positive.
NTA
NTA [Before I read this, I thought I would have a different opinion.] Importantly, if your sister is still partying while pregnant, she needs to terminate her pregnancy rather than give birth to a child affected by her use of alcohol or drugs. Her complaints that you don't care about her baby is ridiculous if she is still using alcohol/drugs while pregnant, It is a tragedy for her unborn child that she had chosen dependency rather than self-reliance at such a young age.
Question: Why are your grandparents taking care of their grandchildren rather than your parents?
Thanks for understanding you're the first to recognize that. I have taken her to groups for help so have my grandparents. She doesn't want the help and it's the problem. Her saying I don't care while actively getting her all the resources and taking time away from my studies and in between my personal medical appointments to help her really is what triggered me into that mood.
We have different dads. Our grandparents took me in because our mom went to jail and my dad got deported so they took care of me since I was little. My mom had my sister after she got out. She stayed with her until my mom found out she was going down the wrong path and basically told her to correct it or there will be consequences (aka curfew and calling the school to verify attendance etc). She didn't like that because she said she can do whatever she wants and decided to do whatever and ended up getting in trouble in school and had to go to court for missing too much school. To avoid that she transferred to the school district over here and continued the same path. For the other siblings they came here simply because it's a better school district and better programs so it was their choice. My mom sends money for my other siblings to help and with my part time I help as well.
You are doing all the right things. In spite of your complicated family situation, you are working and studying, building a future. With the added difficulty of having a chronic health issue, it would be easy for you to give up and fall into the role of victim. These things alone should put you at the top of the list to receive as much support as your grandparents can provide. Add to that the fact that they have been acting as your parents since you were very young and it becomes crystal clear that the room rightly belongs to you.
The pitfall here is that you may feel a responsibility to help manage your sister. Don't. That is not your job. Continue on your path and make them proud. Trust that they, and your mother, are dealing with your sister and let that burden go.
Your sister is behaving badly and your reaction was normal and warranted. You don't need to defend yourself, nobody is going to be swayed by anything she says. NTA
NTA.
NTA. Toxic people need to be called out more for their bullshit. Maybe if more people got that reality check, we wouldn't have so many narcissist growing up to traumatized their children and other family.
Your sister is going through something and nobody appears to be addressing it. She can’t commit to school or a job. She is unlikely to be able to commit to a baby.
Why? What makes her unable to commit? Has anyone taken her to therapy? Is she on meds? Has anyone tried putting her in an alternative school or at least a different learning program?
ESH To me it sounds like the family is failing your sister.
Sneaking a man into the house while people are sleeping? She's lucky she still has a roof over her head for that alone.
Homegirl was dishing it and dishing it and dishing it. And now she's all upset because somebody gave her a taste of her own medicine and she can't take it? Oh hell no.
NTA
NTA.
NTA
There are some people who are 'bad seeds' by nature: rebellious, stubborn, confrontational, sneaky. Looks like your sister is one of them.
Unfortunately, now that she is pregnant with an innocent baby, she will keep your family trapped in her dysfunctional mess for many more years to come.
I mean she’s still basically a kid herself? It sounds like she’s had a difficult upbringing and absent parents, not that she’s a “bad seed by nature”.
Anyone who lives with their grandparents yet chooses to disrespect them, decides to drop out of school and because partying with friends is more important, makes the lives of her family miserable, and brings a child into a dysfunctional environment of poverty and struggle is a 'bad seed'.
I know that the touchy feely 'woke' society would say otherwise. Usually, the people saying so have never had to live with a 'bad seed' so they can afford to 'think positive' and blame the parents for her decisions.
She has a track record of making bad choices, and she will continue to do so. Her bad choices will negatively impact her innocent children (and she will pop out more children with her no good boyfriend). She will use the children to extract money and benefits from her family because that is the only valuable card in her arsenal of manipulation.
NTA and it really sounds like it might be best if she gave up the child for adoption, if she doesn't change.
And she kind of needs a room for herself. Not that OP should be forced out of her room of course! I just mean it sounds like she is currently sharing it with a minor child. And it would be just totally unfair for the younger sibling to have to stay in the same room not only with their sister, but also with a baby! I guess that younger sibling might still go to school and need their sleep. Not to mention if the mother still goes out all the time, the younger sibling might have to also care in the night for that crying baby they share a room with. Like seriously, that is such a bad situation.
Maybe the grandparents should throw her out, but I feel really, really bad for that innocent baby in that case.
Nta: sounds like she needs to grow up. If she continues the behavior she will likely lose custody of the baby and then your mom can get custody. Then your sister will either grow up or continue her toxic behavior. I feel bad for everyone living with her but most of all that unborn child.
NTA. Somebody had to be brave enough to give her a reality check and you did it. Your poor grandparents, being stuck with her. Do something nice for them, like a letter telling them how much you appreciate all they do for you, their love, and stability, and so on.
NTA. Verbally venting your well-founded emotions is not AH behavior. However, you cannot control your sister's behavior. Your grandparents have failed to follow-through on their threats. You have not said where your parents are in all this.
NTA. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this right now, having to juggle everything, and your sister adding up to your stress. It can be troublesome to tell family to be responsible about their actions and decisions. I hope you would be able to figure this out together as a family ASAP. 🙏
Thank you I appreciate it. 🙏🏽 Of course at the end of the day I still want to be family but how she is treating everyone is not okay and the final straw was her saying I don't care and I said those things out of anger. At first it was because I wanted to give her a reality check for her to realize it's a way bigger situation than she's letting off. I hope she accepts the help we have been trying to do for the longest time.
NTA.
Grandparents will be raising their great grandbaby within a year of birth.
Nta she sounds terribly. Keep your distance it sounds like she will attempt to drag you down. Crabs in a bucket mentality.
NTA she seems to have missed the point that the reason your grandparents are threatening to kick her out is HER behavior, they're not just talking about *someone* leaving to make more space, they're not kicking anyone out apart from the kid who treats everyone around her like shit.
Your grandparents - "Hey, behave or we're going to kick you out"
Your sister apparently - "Oh, someone is being kicked out = I get rewarded with a bigger room because I deserve it more!"
This kid should not be having a baby. She can’t even take care of herself. She will wind up neglecting that baby. NTA.
NTA
Currently pregnant myself.
It doesn’t make you special. Black, white, Christian, Jew, straight, gay, fat, thin, cancer, pregnant, whatever.
Assholes are assholes, and you aren’t required to give a fuck about assholes.
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Hey yall. So I'm going through a situation right now with my sister. I'll keep it brief without trying to give out too much details. I apologize in advance for poor grammar. For context I'm in my 20s and she is 18. We live with our grandparents with our other siblings here (minors) Originally it was just supposed to be me living with them so I have my own room in this house while they share. I am in college and working part time while also being chronically ill. My sister is difficult to be around majority of the time as she has a victim mindset and thinks she can do whatever she wants (such as stealing money from me and my grandparents and much worse)
She has a very on and off again toxic relationship and refuses to take accountability over it. She recently got pregnant by him. It has been so bad that my grandparents threatened to kick her out because she is disrespectful to everyone in the house and my grandparents said they do not want him in the house at all (before she got pregnant) and she continually snuck in him when everyone was sleeping.
Now that she is pregnant she is even more miserable to be around saying it's hormones. She got into an argument again with my grandparents recently and they threatened to kick her out if she continues being disrespectful to everyone. She brought up the fact that I'm in my 20s still living here when I should be the one kicked out since I'm older. I'm usually at school, work or at doctors office and all of that takes up my whole day which she knows since I've explained multiple times to her. Then proceeded to say she should have my room since she will need more space now that she has a baby on the way and that I am never home anyway.
It was my final straw and I literally said some hurtful things to her because of the constant disrespect over the years. I basically said she can't even finish high school (she unenrolled because she didnt want to go) let alone keep a job because she always calls out and gets fired for poor attendance because hanging out with friends and partying is more important so she needs to reevaluate herself before even criticizing my life and telling my grandparents what they should do when she isn't even supposed to be in the house to begin with and that she is only here because she kept messing up her own life.
She then started cussing me out saying that I don't care about her or the baby and at that point I said she's right and she can f*** off and leave me out of anything related to her or the baby. I then went to my room and slammed the door. She proceeded to cry and call her friends and talk about how bad of a person I am.
My younger sister said some stuff I said was harsh but I disagree. She needed a reality check of the situation.
AITA for stooping low and calling out my sisters mistakes and making her upset over it and telling her to f*** off?
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NTA Telling her that won't accomplish anything, other than make you feel good. You can't straighten her out. She is going to have to learn the hard way. But you're not an AH.
NTA. She is irresponsible, and she is the cause of her own issues.
So you and sibs are are with grandparents ..where are parents in This ?
Yeah I’m not telling a pregnant person to eff off but your guys are siblings and that comes with all kinds of interpersonal challenges.
Is your younger sister Debbie Gallagher off Shameless?
By the way, where are your parents?
You might want to get out before you’re raising that teen pregnancy yourself. Your grandparents won’t kick her out, especially after she pops out the kid.
NTA
girl you are not the ass hole she needed that reality check so bad
NTA, She sounds like that one south park episode where Cartman fakes tourettes except it's a pregnant woman with terrible excuses
She’s gona make a great single mother and that poor poor kid
NTA Sounds like she needed to hear it. How is she planning to support this kid with no job or education?
NTA
Being pregnant is no excuse for being disrespectful. I hope that she’s able to get her shit together and do some serious self-reflection on her actions, at least for the child’s sake. It infuriates me when women use their pregnancy (or children) as some kind of weapon against others. That because of “hormones” she is justifying her horrible behavior. Hormones don’t make you steal, or make you be rude or disrespectful to your loved ones. You stood your ground, and I too, do hope it gave her a serious reality check. Sometimes that’s what some people need to get their life and act together.
NTA As a middle child, respectfully, you were harsh enough. When our younger sister talked like this to my older sister, i always got physical so I would consider your sister to be lucky that all she got was a scolding and not hands.
You said the truth, why is that “stooping low”?
Shame she hasn't realised that a child isn't going to make life better, pity that child when it arrives unless she changes. This is why abortion is health care.
NTA. I’ve been lucky to have an easy pregnancy so far but the mood swings, when they happen, are absolutely wild and it really sucks to not feel in control of your mental state like that.
But even giving your sister grace for how shitty pregnancy can be… yeah absolutely NTA. Girl is in for a very rude awakening. :( I feel sorry for the kid…
It's her skill issue tbh
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Yall are both in the wrong, it’s different if you’re like 21-23 and understanding that the economy is bad. Any older tho you should be the person with a fully developed brain and try to understand in any sense. Like if you’re living with grandparents and not your parents is there something that would affect attachment issues? Or how old is this baby daddy when she got pregnant? People seek validation and support in places that will not actually give that. Depending on what you guys have went through in life give your sister a bit of support and suck it up. You guys are also both adults at least as the older one act like one
I'm 21 ☠️ she chose to not live with her dad or mom because they want her to go to school and/or work to support the baby and she doesn't want to do that. I can't live with my dad and my grandparents have taken guardianship over me since i was 7 they are more parental figures then my actual parents. Yes I have been nothing but supportive of her but it's not recipical that's the issue. And I am acting like one I have kept my mouth shut for years and this is the first time I lashed out.
YTA. That's your sister you should have more empathy for her. It's like you don't care about her at all. She's going through a hard time right now so obviously she's lashing out. This isn't the time for you to criticize her. She needs support. also dude move out. ur unc. shes preggo.
Sure I'll send my PO box so you can send a check to help with the move out🤣
You sound like a moronic child. Are you sure you’re in your 20s?
ESH except the poor grandparents. Why is everyone leeching off them. What's your plan post your grandparents?
Did you not read the ages? OP is in her 20s, the sister is only 18 and the siblings are minors. Only OP is really old enough to move out, and even that’s debatable given rent prices these days.
Finishing college and after landing a job I plan on moving out. I help pay for stuff since I work part time. My younger siblings are there by choice to go to this school district instead. My mom helps pay for them. The sister in this scenario is the only one leeching unfortunately and it's so bad.
ESH
I’m sorry, obviously your sister is one of the AH in this situation, and I don’t think I need to dive into why (stealing, etc)… but something isn’t right about this… multiple details in this story are VERY ABNORMAL. And your parents and grandparents are absolutely the biggest AH in this story.
You’ve described a living situation where your younger siblings pretty much are victims of poor guardianship (possibly both by abandoned parents and disinterested grandparents). You are the ONLY one who has your own room? Multiple minor children… She has to share with multiple siblings and you get your own? Of course she has a victim mentality around you and your grandparents. You are clearly THE GOLDEN CHILD, they get leftovers. The natural and normal split for any reasonable guardians would be the two older girls who have both finished puberty sharing a room and the young children sharing the other, or the rooms being divided by gender/age in some other way… anything else is not reasonable when there are 4 or more children and 2 rooms.
On top of that… she just took herself out of school? How old was she when she dropped out? If she was a minor, that’s not something she can do, and her legal guardians (which seems like your grandparents) could face legal consequences for not having her in school. Why did your parents and grandparents let her drop out? That isn’t okay? You have to see that right. She’s a child, the fact that no one has truly cared enough about her to even keep her in school means she was failed by her adults. The same adults who gave you your own room? Can you not understand how neglectful that might feel for her? And that lack of attention is why SOOOOOOO many kids lash out and behave poorly, they learn from a young age it is the only way that they get any attention while living in that family dynamic. It may be part of her reasoning on remaining pregnant, (if that’s a choice she made), because pregnancy gets copious amounts of attention).
Also, why is she having the baby? Are you in an area that doesn’t allow abortion? Will your grandparents not let her get one? Did she just want to keep it? And regardless, she CANNOT have a damn baby and be in a room with her younger siblings. She’s right about that. If she’s just choosing to have it, and your family HARD doesn’t want her to, then your grandparents need to help her and her boyfriend get on programs they qualify for, and get a place to live. If she’s is being forced to have it by either your family or the government, then there needs to be more care for her. She wouldn’t be in that crummy relationship, a drop out, and pregnant if she had been parented properly, so the big adults in her life need to step up. Does that mean you might have to share a room with your younger siblings or her and her baby? Um, yes. But don’t be mad at her, be mad at the parents and grandparents that failed her, and that squished 4+ kids into 2 bedrooms in an unfair way.
And now they are also threatening to simply kick her out, while she’s pregnant, with no where to go? (which by the way ABSOLUTELY IS a very very hormonal, scary, and difficult time for women, let alone a freaking teenager). Why haven’t they instead helped her find a job? Sign up for programs she qualifies for? Get an apartment with her boyfriend, I don’t care if he is toxic, on the streets, pregnant, in the middle of WINTER? A winter that’s predicted to be terrible… there is a high likelihood she could die unless she runs to him anyway, and if he takes her in during it, in her time of homeless need, it gives him a huge weight he can just hold over her head. Your grandparents are being completely irrational about this.
Yes it's a lot. I didn't put in a lot of detail because it would be way too much and honestly it was just this situation is just super ridiculous. I only posted here because I did feel bad after a bit about what I said in that specific situation but at the same time I didn't because she hasn't cared about my well being at all. And I try to be empathetic but it's difficult given the situation. I'll give a little bit backstory to answer your questions.
Grandparents (maternal) only legally have guardianship over me since we have different fathers and my parental situation was different. Parents ended up in jail. After mom got out of jail, had my other siblings. I'll just call my sister Ann in this scenario.
Lived in an area with a lot of gang activity. Ann got intrigued and wanted to be in that lifestyle. Mom said no (because she already did it and served time) Ann got mad and said she would do what she wants. Kept ditching school and getting into trouble. Actually had to have the police continuously bring her home. Got court ordered about attendance in school so to avoid it she transferred to the school district up here
Other siblings wanted to come here on their own since they wanted to be closer to me and the school district over here was better. They knew in advance that we would have to make makeshift rooms for them and they were okay with that. Ann only came up here because she figured it would be easier to play my grandparents about the school thing (I didn't know till after she unenrolled herself)
She lied about going to school even though being dropped off picked up by school bus. No calls home or anything so we didn't know. She turned 18 and legally unenrolled with school since it's not mandatory where we live after turning 18. That's when we got a call about confirmation and we were confused and told her to go back to school she was almost done but she said it was a waste of time. Even said at least get a GED and didn't want that.
Met her boyfriend who also was doing the same. Didn't finish school and thought it was a waste of time and bonded over that. She was toxic and blamed it on "being Latina". He broke up with her and that's when she started becoming even more disrespectful towards us being mad at him. She keeps being manipulative saying she will do better and get back together and the cycle went that way multiple times.
She ends up pregnant. He doesn't want the baby. His family is also not supportive because his mom literally told her she's baby trapping him. She wants to keep the baby. Grandparents said if she wants to abort or give to adoption or keep she can. It's legal here where we live if she did want an abortion.
The county has teen and young adult single mother programs which were offered she had a spot if she wanted and she refused because she would have to go to school or work in order to qualify. Also got her an appointment to mental health and she refused
She has other family members too who said they can stay with her but she obviously can't just stay there and do nothing. She would have to work or go to school because she would need a way to support the baby. She declined.
She has been offered lots of help but refused. My grandparents want to kick her out because she is not a good person to be around overall. There is no trust, she cares more about her friends then family, doesn't care about anyone else's feelings as long as she gets what she wants in. When she doesn't get what she wants she will sit there and belittle you and grind your gears until you explode. She got upset and belittled me the other day because I asked her at 3am to be quiet since I had final exams and was trying to sleep. She needs help we know that but obviously you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I've been talking to our mom about if she can take guardianship over the child because we believe it's best.
Hopefully this answered some of your questions.
Ok another question have you lived with your grandparents the whole time since your mom got out of jail? Do all of your younger siblings have the same dad? Where is their dad(s) in all of this? How often did you see your family if you did live with your grandparents most of your childhood?
If you lived with your grandparents, you may not have a very clear view of what life was like for your siblings living with your mom.
But if we assume you mom is a good mom and the home life was fine other than the surrounding environment and that is why your younger siblings wanted to be in the better school and “Ann” was just the rebellious one. Ann clearly can’t continue to live with your grandparents. There isn’t room, they don’t want her there, and they can’t stand up to her to help her have a better life than the hard one she is setting herself up for.
Your sister needs a wake up call and essentially an intervention. If there are multiple family members willing to take her in someone should get them together and confront your sister. She can pick who she leaves with, but continuing to live with the grandparents isn’t an option. Pack her stuff and send it with whoever she chooses to live with. Note that if your sister has lived with your grandparents long enough to establish residency (this advice is for the US if you are elsewhere might be different) if she knows she has rights to exercise them they will have to go thru the process to kick her out legally but it isn’t in her best interest to go thru the formal process, it can make it harder for her to get housing on her own in the future.
Yes I've stayed with my grandparents the entire time because it was hard for my mom to find employment after getting out. My dad is out of the picture because he got deported and out of the country. The other siblings have their dad but aren't together with mom so they go over there usually over break time. Basically co parenting since my mom and him still have full custody over my siblings. I saw my family once a month and stayed for a week since I went to a year round school. There were never issues until the past 2 years because she wanted to head down a bad path and my mom wouldn't allow it.
She has been here long enough to be established as a resident. The boyfriend's mom is even looking at places for her as well to go to. Everyone is trying to help her but she's refusing it regardless of what. We even had the WIC people and parenting class people try to help. When she said I didn't care that was the sentence that really flipped a switch and made me upset to lash out.
You are definitely NTA in the situation you asked about. Lashing out isn’t the best response but you are human and young, no one reacts perfectly in every situation.
Hopefully your sister wakes up to the reality of her situation before the baby gets here and starts accepting the help that is available.
But for everyone, especially your grandparents and younger siblings, she needs to be out of their house.
This is brief??
Yes 🤣 it is probably 1/100th part to it.
ESH.. kind of. were you an asshole? yes. was it warranted? in my opinion absolutely lmao. you had enough and that’s totally understandable. she’s the bigger asshole 100% and you crashed out for a good reason
ESH
You both sound difficult.
Your sister sucks. Your behaviour in this specific scenario also sucks. While the outburst is understandable, that doesn't make it acceptable.
ESH
Maybe your grandparents need to stop making empty threats.
Yeah I tell my grandparents that. They just tell me they completely gave up on even trying because it's too much after a while to deal with her.
Yeah, she needs to be kicked out now because the baby will be used as a shield and a weapon to ensure she gets away with even worse after the birth.
Your poor grandparents are exhausted. They already raised their kids, and it seems their kids were a handful all by themselves. Being grandparents is supposed to be fun and low effort. They're stuck starting all over again raising kids who need quite a lot of support from the way it sounds. They're probably in way over their heads.
I know in many ways you're just a kid, so you can't fully understand how your sister's behaviour is the result of the way she's been treated and that your actions are absolutely adding to her distress and making everything worse for her. I'm not absolving her of her bad choices. But we are shaped by the environment we're raised in and the grace given to us by those around us. It sounds like she had shit for role models and very little love and support. Her piece of shit baby daddy might have been the only person she felt cared about her which is why she kept going back to him. Your actions in this situation are reinforcing that belief - that you and your grandparents don't give a shit about her or what happens to her and her baby at all.
Be careful what you do now. This will determine your relationship with your sister for the rest of your life. It's not about what she deserves based on past behaviour. It's about what kind of relationship you want to build from here on out. What opportunities do you want to provide for that baby who is already coming into a terrible situation? It's not your responsibility, and if you want to walk away and focus on yourself, you have every right to. But it will be the end of your relationship with your sister forever, and you know it spells disaster for that baby.
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Neither actually. Grandparents have guardianship over me so I stay with them. Younger siblings came here by choice because they wanted to be closer. The sister in this situation was with mom but kept getting in trouble so came up here to avoid the consequences. She can go back but refuses because my mom has way more time to be strict than my older grandparents who don't have the energy to deal with it.
So they need to either kick her out or stop getting your hopes up by saying it out loud.