I (28 M) got into a huge argument with my sister (31 F) last week. The argument had been simmering for a long time, as tension between us has been high for years.
When I was 17 my sister had an accidental pregnancy, and when she told her boyfriend he left her. Due to our religious family she kept the baby, but once her daughter was born she panicked. She didn’t want to go through the legal troubles of adoption, so she asked that me and our mother took care of her kid. There was no legal custody, but it was an agreement made within the family.
I essentially raised my niece from birth until she was 3. With help from my mother, as she was working to support the new edition to the family. I dropped out of school and took care of her, fed her, changed her and taught her how to walk while my mom was away at work.
Then, my sister met her now husband, cleaned her life up and suddenly wanted her kid back. No warning, she moves back to home says thanks and starts being a mother. My niece is now eleven and doesn’t remember all I and her grandmother did. It’s been a family agreement to forget this all happened until the argument.
My sister made a petty comment during a fight, where she implied since I lost my job recently I can’t handle responsibility. I snapped and told her she was lucky her daughter was too young to remember how she abandoned her. My niece overheard this, and now wants to know what I meant. I outright said that her mother didn’t think she could raise her, and left her with me and grandma. Now my sister says I traumatised her daughter, and my mom says I should have kept the secret like we agreed. I think this secret couldn’t stay kept forever. Am I the asshole?
Edit: hello, I’m here to give some more context and answer a bunch of the most common questions. When the argument happened, I had put my niece to bed hours ago. We were at my mothers house, and so no one knew she was going to come in.
Secondly, after my niece was born my sister moved states to get a job. Also, she was 20 and I was 17.
And finally, in the aftermath I said that we can’t go back now since my niece already overheard us all talking, so as a group with her stepfather we should get together to explain it better. But since the event (a week ago) my sister has been saying that we should blow over it and that my niece will forget if we don’t bring it up again. I’m frustrated at this, and at how she’s now slating me alongside my mother. My mother believes I’m in the wrong for arguing with my sister in the first place, whereas I say she has no right to criticise me for losing my job when I lost my education to caring for her child. I’m trying to get in contact with my nieces stepfather to ask him for his opinion.
Edit 2: yes, I was asked by my mom to drop out of school and I did so. I didn’t go to college later. I had no intention of hurting my niece, but she had already overheard what was said so I felt that keeping it from her now would just cause her confusion. I’m now trying to backpedal the best I can with the families assistance, to be able to properly explain the situation to her. But, my sister and my mother both want to just pretend this never happened and hope my niece forgets as she grows up.
Edit 3: I’m starting to wish I was clearer from the beginning. I said I was 17 when my sister “had” the accidental pregnancy. I meant that I was 17 when the baby was born.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your mom completely sucks for allowing you to derail your own life for the sake of a 20 year old woman not wanting to step up. It’s shameful.
You shouldn’t have said what you said, but hoo boy, I can’t even begin to understand the resentment you must feel.
NTA. Make no mistake; it was an ah thing to do. But I’m giving you a pass.
This. And it doesn’t sound like you chose one day to approach your niece and tell her. Your niece overheard it in an argument and you didn’t lie to her when she asked. Imagine if you did lie to her. When she eventually found out, her trust in you could have been broken.
We all make mistakes. Panicking and leaving your child to be raised by my sibling I was one. She should own up to it.
And OP's sister has SOME NERVE mocking him over losing his job when SHE is the reason why he doesn't have an education/better opportunities.
If I were this woman I would express my gratitude to OP every day for the rest of our lives.
Then again, if I were this woman I would never have allowed my teenage brother to sacrifice his future to cover for my mistakes.
UGH! This whole post is infuriating.
The sister sounds like a complete ingrate. I would be riddled with resentment if I were OP.
We know who the golden child is in that family and it might just be because of the granddaughter.
The granddaughter saved the golden child's life and kind of ruined OP's.
It’s not the granddaughter’s fault. It’s the adults in the situation. How they handled it all so badly. Arrangements should have been made so OP could finish high school at least.
Isn't it super convenient that Her Ladyship suddenly decided she was done finding herself and was now ready to be a mom once the child no longer required constant diaper changes and round the clock feedings?
Very much so. Handy for her 😒
Exactly, I can totally see how this blow up within the family happened. It sounds like bad stuff has been simmering for a long time.
That was my take as well, That is a completely and totally out of pocket comment from someone who is where she is because the younger sibling stepped up when she ran out.
I'm envisioning a lot of NC for the sister here in a hot minute.
Honestly, he needs to NC most or all of his family. I’d toss my daughter out onto the streets before asking my theoretical minor son to quit all schooling to clean up her mistakes. His sister is an AH, but mom is the real villain here.
Sadly, OP has said he’s reluctant to go NC because he doesn’t want to lose touch with his niece.
His sister has a hell of a trump card until the child is grown.
Losing her primary caregiver at three was an adverse childhood event that probably interfered with your niece’s development in some way. Your niece deserves to know about this event so she knows how to heal.
This 🙌🏼 early childhood is so impactful on our lives. Even if the niece doesn’t remember, her body will remember and her coping mechanisms to feel safe likely were altered during that event. OP is not the asshole. It was not something he intended for his niece to hear, he thought she was asleep. And brushing things under the rug never resolves anything. The niece will not just forget about it, even if she doesn’t say anything. It’s only going to lead to distrust and hurt feelings later on. The most mature and responsible response is what OP suggested, having the whole family sit down and be honest with the niece. But that would require the sister to own up to her actions
I can't help but wonder if she only returned to save face for the man she wanted to marry. I can't help but wonder if it was to never to be talked about amongst themselves so that the stepdad would also never know the full truth. Like, did he know she abandoned her child or did he think her family volunteered to help? Does he know that her younger brother was forced to drop out of high school because of the situation and ruin his prospects of his future? Or did it never occur to him because he met the younger brother when he was already an adult and just never thought about it?
I mostly agree, but I put more of the blame for OP having to drop out on their mom than the sister. The sister was in a no win situation; accidental pregnancy, baby dad leaving, and familial pressure to not abort (and I'm giving the benefit of the doubt similar pressure to not put the baby up for adoption). If their mom couldn't/wouldn't take care of the baby, she shouldn't have offered and should have helped her daughter find other ways to handle the situation over foisting her off on her teenage son.
The "sister Mama" was 20 years old at the time of 'accidental pregnancy '. We're not talking about an underage, teen mother. At 20 or 21 years old, you're around the age to graduate from college with a 4 year degree. OP's sister wouldn't handle raising a baby, but her 17 year old brother does? OP is NTA! Niece deserves to know that her Grandma and Uncle raised as a baby, & BOTH niece and sister should OPENLY appreciate what they did.
I’m glad you said it bc I’m in this camp. Sure it was an AH thing to say but a 20yo leaving her baby to be raised by her 17yo brother and mom without any reassurance of returning IS abandonment. He skipped college to raise his niece and then she has the audacity to criticize him losing his job and lack of good job prospects.
People arguing that it wasn’t his secret to tell, bullshit, he sacrificed his future for his niece. He can damn well tell that secret if others conveniently forget his sacrifice.
i also think that he never decided to tell the secret. They all thought she wouldn't hear but... teenagers.
It shouldn't even have been a secret either. Those three years of first childhood matter and every person has a right to their own story.
Surely, the niece must have wondered already why there aren't one million baby photos of her in her mother's arms. Did they try to hide the omission with a lie?
How did they explain that mommy has no cute "your first step", "your first words" "you drove us all mad when you were teething" stories?
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not everyone has that stuff. It might be the norm for some, but definitely not for everyone.
17 he may have had to skip some high school as well
He said in a comment his mom asked him to drop out of high school to raise his niece while she worked to clothe, feed, and put a roof over their heads. He did and didn't get to go to college because he was raising his niece for 3 uears.
And yet this woman allows her daughter to treat her son like this after all that. Just wtf.
Well… yeah? You expect any differently from a mother who enabled the sisters abandonment at the cost of her son’s future?
Rather than tell her daughter she needed to step up as a mother or go through the adoption process, she decided instead to impact her son’s lifetime earnings and potential.
In addition to that, it’s almost a certainty mom is also a huge reason the daughter felt religious pressure to go through with an unwanted pregnancy in the first place.
OP’s mom is literally the biggest villain in this story.
Yep, completely agree. Also the emotional immaturity in trying to hide the whole thing under the rug and the burden of that being put onto the younger generations smacks of religious pressure to me too.
That really sucks for him!
Yup. OP your mom sucks BIG TIME. What the fuck. As hard as it would have been, baby should have been adopted out if it required OP to drop out of school. Jesus. What mother pressures their child to drop out of high school???
I don't see how it's even an AH thing to do. It was in inelegant way for it to go down, but both OP and niece deserve for OP's contributions to be acknowledged.
NTA. I agree, OP shouldn't have said it, but in the heat of anger, the build up of resentment, the way his life was derailed, and that he thought his niece was asleep in another room, I can see how it happened.
11 is old enough to know that some serious stuff went down and was said. She will NOT forget about it and will not brush it off if the family doesn't talk about it. I agree with her stepfather (and glad he's supportive, OP) - no one meant for the child to overhear it, but she did, and she's old enough to have an honest conversation with her.
I think OP was perfectly in his rights to say it. The only bad thing is the niece overheard.
This this this Aaaaaaall of this
Truth comes out and this kid is not stupid. Sit her down, tell her the truth, and then deal with the aftermath like the adults you are all supposed to be. Everyone's TA for lying to this child her whole life.
Since both mom and sis want to act like nothing ever happened, I’d tell them I’d only agree on one condition, they support me financially while I attend college but when niece becomes an adult she’s getting the truth. If they don’t agree, then niece is getting the truth now.
ehhhh - It might have been an asshole thing to say to the niece, but the cat was out of the bag because she overheard a (IMO) non-AH thing. You can't pick a fight with someone about responsibility with that history and not expect a clapback.
Wow. So mom was cool with you sacrificing your entire future to save your sister? Now mom is angry you aren't still playing the dutiful son who still does exactly what they are told?
I can give your sis some leeway as she messed up at 17. Mom was supposed to be the adult in this situation and her best response was to use her 17 yo son to cover for her sister. And what was dear sis doing why you were raising her child?Yeah, you've got a serious mother problem. NTA.
Edit. RaineMist pointed out I had the ages wrong. Your entire family is crap - mom and sis.
OP was 17 years old, not his sister. His sister is older so she had to be around 20 when she got pregnant.
OP regardless I think you have been and are doing the best you can for what was pretty much thrust upon you. I want to really encourage you though to go back now and obtain your GED and even get into a trade school or training program for a job you can make a decent living in. Your mom and sister owe you the support to finish your education as it will impact the rest of your life to a large degree. That is something you gave up and your sister needs to appreciate that and assist you as much as she is able to now complete. I don't think you meant to just blast this news to your niece it was an accident and they need to recognize that and not hold it against you.. Please take seriously the need to go back and get the rest of your education.
Seconding this. Also, make your sister pay for it, to pay you back for those three years.
Secrets never stay that way. Especially secrets that should never have been.
NTA. Seems most here CANNOT grasp that YOU WERE A TEEN TOO and forced to drop out of school because of your sister's bad decisions. Why?
The AH in this scenario is your mother who did not parent and had YOU taking on the responsibility of parent when you were just a kid yourself.
Your sister is an AH too because it is not the child she is thinking about. It is herself. She feels guilt. Doesn't want to have to explain this to her child and would rather it be kept swept under a rug.
I cannot believe all the people siding with the sister who lied to her child. It makes me wonder what they all are lying about.
Had she not lied this situation wouldn't even exist. Then she judges him??
Also, the birth mom and her mother thinking that the 11-year-old niece will "forget about it." That could never happen, the niece knows and deserves the fuller story her grandma and birth mom are avoiding telling her.
Niece will absolutely not forget it and will probably imagine the worst possible interpretation.
Niece will NEVER forget what was said, that will be a core memory for her now. A crappy one. They need to talk it out with the child and explain the situation so she isn't scarred by it.
She lied to her child, made OP lie too, but also then criticised OP for losing his job, my goodness no wonder he snapped, poor guy.
Def NTA
NTA - Some serious reading comprehension problems in the comments here.
People seem to be missing the comment was overheard, and not shared with the kid as revenge.
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How did they have a choice to step up when they were a minor?
And HOW is the second top comment saying "every one sucks here?"
OP's sister was NOT a teen parent, she was 20. OP was the teen parent because she made him one.
OP did NOT weaponize the information. His niece overheard him talking about his sister abandoning her child. He did not intentionally inform her until she heard and asked him, and he decided not to lie about it.
I can't imagine anyone considering OP and his self-centered sister are anywhere remotely equal in terms of sheer SUCKITUDE.
it's because this sub is full of illiterate people who skim details and don't read full posts and then sometimes they also make stuff up assume off of and then go off those made up details with their judgements
Bravo!
A lot of people are acting like OP purposefully revealed the secret instead of it being overheard - probably just a reading comprehension issue, lol.
You're blaming a minor for the choices of the adults around him.
He didn’t knowingly make it in front of her. She was eaves dripping. That’s not his fault either.
She wasn't a teen parent she was 20, a full grown adult. Why the hell would an adult expect a teenager to give up their education to watch their child so they could go off and make something of themselves. OP wouldn't have had a choice in the matter.
Is 20 years old being a teen? Just asking. I thought teenage years end at 19. The mom was 20 when she was pregnant. The brother was 17!
NTA. you (17M) dropped out of school bc your sister (20F) had a baby bc she was being reckless. she then runs away for THREE YEARS, while you take responsibility for HER actions. [tell me your mom has a favorite without telling me your mom has a favorite.] SIS makes a petty comment about responsibility when she didnt even deal with her own child for the first THREE YEARS of her life. being that SIS mothered her own child for 8 years, while you only raised her for 3, she felt she had the upper hand on you about that and could say what she said. WHEN YOU RAISE A CHILD FROM BIRTH TO THREE YEARS you start to think about and figure out how you want the child to perceive you, the caregiver. at eleven, you can’t stop the curious nature of a child that understands LANGUAGE. you guys probably weren’t very quiet during the argument she overheard, so when she asked YOU (because YOU said your response to your sister’s comment), you decided NOT to lie to the child. people love to lie to kids bc people think the kid will just forget over time, but what PEOPLE forget is that children can obsess too. if they become obsessed with the truth, its not likely they forget what was said, especially if the obsession lacks trauma. the fact everyone else is upset that you didnt just lie to the kid says more about them than you. telling a kid the hard truth (depending on your tone and intent) means that you want the kid to come their own conclusions as opposed to them being told what to think. IN MY OPINION thats one of the best things you can do for the young, developing humans we call children. you’ve witnessed a handful of your niece’s firsts while SIS was away. SWEEPING THIS TRUTH UNDER THE RUG WOULD ALSO DISCREDIT THE WORK YOU PUT IN FOR THOSE THREE YEARS, so you told your niece the truth for her sake AND for yours. she may not remember what you did for her, but i hope she never forgets your honesty
Isn't it super convenient that Her Ladyship suddenly decided she was done finding herself and was now ready to be a mom once the child no longer required constant diaper changes and round the clock feedings?
lol OP was the teen parent here who dropped out of school to take care of her niece, not the 20 year old who abandoned her child because she couldnt handle the responsibility that she instead forced on a child who had no choice in the matter.
OP is male.
OP didn’t weaponize the behavior. The OP did not know the niece was listening. That’s an accident, not weaponization.
If anyone was weaponizing comments, it was the sister. Imagine someone having the audacity to criticize her brother for losing his job when SHE is the very reason why OP’s job prospects are so much harder. But for the sister to talk about responsibility????
The OP was 17. was literally ASKED by the mother to drop out of high school. All because a TWENTY-YEAR OLD couldn’t handle being a parent.
I can tell you, if I was the OP, I’d be fucking bitter. But still OP accepted the family decision not to tell the niece for 8 years. The niece finding out was an accident. Sister had no right to ever criticize OP for his job situation because she is responsible for it. His understandable response to that being accidentally overheard is not his fault.
What really seals how older sis is the Golden Child is on top of the son being told to drop out of school and raise the baby that Her Ladyship didn't feel like raising, is when she suddenly decided she felt like being a mother, everyone had to hide it and pretend that Her Ladyship was there from the start and OP's sacrifices were erased. She really got to have her cake and eat it, and then some.
I was 18 and took full responsibility for the life I brought into this world as a single mom. She had support, she could have done it if she wanted to.
I was 19, way back in the 80s when social support was extremely limited.
ITA, there is enough blame to go around. Unfortunately the niece got hurt in the process.
His mother made him leave school to care for his niece instead of making her ADULT daughter be responsible for her own actions.
Wrong. OP didn’t choose to weaponize the information because he was “bitter”, he saw red when her sister made a snide remark about him when he was at the low point. OP only gave her the taste of her own medicine.
Perhaps you wrote the comment before the edit that clarified niece was put to sleep upstairs an hour before, and wasn’t supposed to be around.
The sister should be kissing OP’s feet for what he had sacrificed. Sis is the definite TA here.
OP NTA.
They've also now clarified that as a 17 year old they were told to drop out of school and step up. No choice.
How does knowing that OP stepped up and basically raised her hurt the niece?
Everything about your comment is wrong except for this:
And I expect that first sentence is why you have been upvoted to be top comment. Because the rest of your comment does not show any sort of reading comprehension whatsoever
Your own choice? Did you read the OP? OP was basically forced into that. The mother of the child left and then OP's mother was working, so it was either he quit school and take care of the kid or nobody takes care of the kid. He had no choice
his own choice? his mother made him drop out of school to take care of the kid. he's allowed to be bitter about his FORCED NOT A CHOICE that he had to "make" and he wasn't weaponizing it, he used it as a counterpoint to "you're so irresponsible". it's not like he ran to niece to tell her
OP did not have a choice she was 20 plenty old enough to take care of her choices!!! I was 17 when I had my first child it was hard but we did it we have 3 children now all grown. She does not get to think she is superior to her brother when she is the one who screwed up his life. The sister is the AH here and only her self entitled attitude who should be put in her place. Sorry the niece found out this way but she also deserves to know how much her Uncle loves and what he did to make sure she was loved and cared for.
ESH lmao what a fucking joke.. Sister and Mom are TAs full stop
So for all you Y. T. A. out there, did it occur to yall exactly how much it hurt to give a TODDLER away after raising that baby from birth? All the sleepless nights, the love and cuddles, carrying this little snuggle ball, worrying and crying, teething nights and nightmares, only to have did waltz back in say she’s ready now that all the hard work and bonding is done and ripping that baby away?
Former foster parent here. People underestimate the bonding that takes place between caregivers and babies. They think because the babies don’t have concrete memories that who does the caregiving doesn’t matter, which is counter to what we know about child development.
I’m wondering has anyone even asked the OP how they feel about raising a kid for 3 years only for it to be taken away? I bet there’s more than resentment building up there, maybe the trauma of losing their child to someone whom abandoned her is creeping up.
I've gone through something similar, very much not over it and I don't expect I ever will be. My heart hurts for OP after reading this post
Question. If you foster a baby, are you often on the path to adopting that baby? Or do you usually end up returning them to the parent(s)? Some acquaintances of mine are fostering this adorable baby and I keep wondering if they're mentally preparing to give her back or if they're hoping to adopt.
The end goal is most often reunification with their families whenever possible and safe to do so
If it is regular foster care, the primary goal is usually reunification. Those goals can change, depending on how the case develops and whether or not the bio parents are willing to work on a case plan. That case plan is tailored to whatever the issues were that brought the child into the system. If bio parents are not able to fulfill the case plan, bio relatives are usually given the first opportunity to foster and then adopt the foster child. If bio family are not interested and/or the bio family have problems, then the foster parents who have been developing a bond with the baby or child, are often given the first opportunity to see if they are interested in adopting. In my area, the single biggest reason why kids end up in foster care revolves around drug problems/addiction. Such addictions often run in families, so it isn’t unusual for foster parents to be given an opportunity to adopt. But it’s hard to say. According to one source, approximately 44% of children returned to their biological families.
It can be challenging for foster parents who developed a bond to let go of a child they’ve raised for several months. If you really love the child, sometimes you have to accept that the bio placement is the best. That doesn’t mean that the bio parents are ideal (many struggle financially), but they often are who is best for the child. Definitely hard, but the love one puts into children they let go is meaningful and worth it. That’s quite different, though, from the situation on this post. Three years is a LONG time to raise a child. In my state, bio parents usually have six months to get their acts together and complete a case plan, and if they don’t, then their rights are terminated. This is to allow for children (especially those under 3) to have those nurtured bonds with caregivers because the bonds are important.
Exactly, how is OP „YTA“ (which implies that the sister isn’t one)?
Like at most it is ESH. OP went through so much as a 17/freshly turned 18yo and had to raise a child until 3 years old, basically the hardest/most exhausting years of raising a child.
I‘d even say NTA since OP didn’t intend for the niece to hear it, but the damage is already done, so I understand why people think ESH. But the YTAs are baffling to me tbh
FYI, the way you wrote this counts as a vote towards Y T A because you didn’t put spaces between the letters
I think I fixed it.
Ya know, I hadn't even thought about that part of it. I have a young daughter and can't imagine the pain I'd feel if I had to give her up.
NTA. Your sister has some nerve talking about lack of responsibility. Has she or your mother acknowledged that they literally stole the start of your adult life from 17 till she came back??? When you were finally done raising her child did they give you any support in getting your education? Did your sister financially reimburse your mother? It's wrong that she just gets to have everyone accommodate her life while she throws stones in a glass house. Now it wasn't ideal for your niece to hear this, but honestly she deserves to know. Her mother might be mom of the year now but what if she divorces her husband? She's shown that she flakes when situations get hard.
Well from the moment me and my mom started taking care of my niece, we’ve all been told never to bring the whole situation up even to each-other. That means no finances were ever sorted out, and the idea was that my niece would never find out even when she turned 18.
basically, none of them want to take responsibility for anything, they dump the worst of the work on you, and then blame you for the negative effect it had on your life.
if you get the chance, tell your niece you love her too much to lie to her anymore, that she can always trust you. then tell her you are leaving for your own good.
then do it.
That was never going to work and your niece deserves the truth.
Your sister should have told truth to your niece ( I think your sister is still a self created person, just that now she has her life together) You deserve better. Also now everything is in open don't lie to your niece
So basically you got to get shafted and are expected to just accept it. Your family is fucking shit, man.
NTA
Firmly believe don’t throw stones at someone who could ruin your entire life. She deserves it
NTA. You did not know that your niece was awake at the time you had the argument with your sister. Your sister lost the moral high ground when she abandoned her child for 3 years. As for your mother, she needs a good swift kick in the pants for having you drop out of high school to care for a child that your sister abandoned.
NTA.
You didn't know she was there, and once she knew it, it would have been ridiculous to keep it hidden. All it would teach her is that she can't trust anyone as her mum and your mum kept lying to her or evading the question.
Well she overheard you both. You didn't tell directly to your niece. And, please go back to schooling for yourself.
Hey, people!!! He said his niece overheard. He didn't say directly to her. The niece could be somewhere else in the house when the fight occurred and she overheard that.
NTA or maybe ESH. Why did YOU have to give up finishing school for your sister being a chicken shit who didn’t want to step up and then expected to keep silent? Someday this was gonna happen either way but you had every reason to believe it was only the adults you have issue with in the room. Your niece was never meant to hear that by your account of events so I don’t get everyone saying you’re cruel for telling her that. Once that bag was open there’s no putting the cat back in she was either gonna hear it from you or a twisted version from your sister.
Nah, its unfortunate niece heard argument. Ridiculous op had drop out school while sister just carried on with life.
I say this as someone who essentially raised both a nephew and a niece for the first year of their lives due to a sister's PPD. She got over the PPD (after wanting each of the kids to live with me full time so she could basically work, go home, shop, and be a weekend mother), and then she and her husband, for whatever reason, taught the kids that I am not worth knowing. They remember zero about their time with me, and now that they're adults they've had zero interest in even really knowing me.
NTA for snapping at your sister. It also wasn't your fault that your niece overheard.
But soft YTA for the way you delivered the news.
This should have been a much more sensitive conversation with her, if possible. I absolutely agree that this secret should have been told to niece, but from the get-go, never kept secret. What's done is done though. Time to be real with the niece if possible. She's old enough to understand teen pregnancy and crisis.
You did keep the secret...right up until your sister made it clear that she did not appreciate what you did for her...and likely resented that you were able to do what she couldn't
You did nothing wrong
It needed to be said
And I disagree that the child should have been kept out of this. That girl deserved to know who her mother was. That she isn't perfect. That she has faults. If this is how she talks to OP to her face, imagine what she says behind her back. That girl deserved to know who her mother was so she can decide if her mom is someone she can truly count on and someone she should look up to
Kids are stronger than some of these posters are giving them credit for NTA
NTA. He dropped out of high school and didn’t go to college to help out his mom take care of the toddler. It’s expensive putting a baby and toddler in daycare so he didn’t want that extra burden on his mom as she was working to provide for the baby and her child. He did a selfless thing as a teenager. Idk why he didn’t switch to home school though.
His sister is now saying he not responsible because he lost his job and he just reminded her she walked away from her first born. Tick for tack. Yes they both shouldn’t have been arguing but the niece wasn’t in the room she just overheard it. The sister has no right to call anybody irresponsible.
INFO: was the niece in your conversation or was she somewhere else out of sight but heard you talking anyway?
If its the first, then clearly YTA. Your niece shouldn't have had to find out like that. IF its the latter, then NTA because you'd have no way of knowing she could hear you.
This is a real touchy subject because OP was younger than the sister and had to give up 3 years of his life to help raise the niece because the sister was a crap person. Now, OP has to act like those three years never happened because the sister doesn't want to have her daughter realize that she abandoned her. Your sister is the clear AH there. I would really struggle if I was in OP's shoes to act like I didn't sacrifice my own life to raise her child for 3 years and never be able to discuss that. I'd hold a great deal of resentment against my sister and mother and would really struggle to maintain any relationship with the sister. I'd never get over how I created the connection with the niece as a parental figure only to have that ripped away from me because she showed up and wanted to pretend that whole time never occurred.
My niece was sleeping in a separate room, none of us knew she was awake until after the comment was made.
I do have resentment towards my sister, and I may edit later to include this, but when my niece was born she moved away to work in another state. For the three years I cared for her I barely saw my sister.
You have every right to have resentment. I can’t imagine how anyone who has been treated like you have wouldn’t have resentment. And yet you still accepted the family decision to not tell your niece for 8 years. It’s sounds like you are the only one (well plus your niece) who has never been given any choices in this whole situation.
Your sister is solely responsible for your niece finding out because who the hell criticizes someone for losing a job when SHE is the reason you likely have less job prospects. I mean, what the f*ck.
After the niece overheard, she had to be told. She’s 11. They can’t just pretend she didn’t hear what she heard.
That was not the right way for your niece to find out about her past. But I’m also shocked that you were used as a teenager to take care of your sister‘s baby. You were only 17.
Your sister is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Insulting you when she knew what you sacrificed has to be one of the dumbest moves she could’ve done.
I wish you all quick and strong healing.
Basically if you get knocked up and you let your teenage sibling drop out of school to raise your baby while you fuck off for three years doing whatever you feel like, you lose the right to ever scold anyone about "irresponsibility" ever again. Deadbeat parents do not get to lecture anyone about responsibility.
NTAH, it was unintentional that your niece overheard and lying after the fact would have made you an AH.
ESH.
You absolutely should not have said that in front of your niece. She did not deserve to find out like that; in trying to hurt your sister, you hurt her too and that's not on.
I agree that this couldn't be kept a secret forever, but your niece deserved to be told properly, and not treated as collateral damage in an argument between you and your sister.
Might want to double check the details: he said it when his niece wasn't in the room and she happened to overhear. Answering her questions honestly after that isn't an AH move. I'd say NTA for OP.
Did you read his post? The niece was upstairs having been put to sleep hours before when she came down during the middle of the discussion. He didn't mean to out her. But secrets about a child's birth and early years should never be kept. It is best to deal with the truth of what happened. Lies and mistruths will always feel like a betrayal to the child whether they find out as an adult or during their childhood.
NTA
as you say, your niece had already overheard your argument. you absolutely should've said it in a kinder manner, but you would be an asshole if you lied to her after she had asked you.
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That's a rather strange misrepresentation of the situation.
He had an outburst in the heat of the moment and dropped a bomb he shouldn't have.
He didn't hurt a child on purpose to get revenge on her mother. Way to stir up unnecessary anger and hatred.
The child was not in the room. She overheard. The sister said he was not a responsible person. Meanwhile, she is lying to her daughter. And dumped her on her 17 year old brother and Mother to raise because she was irresponsible.
NTA. I'm giving grace to OP as a "you snapped" moment. OP sacrificed a more viable future for three years so he can be a single teen dad to his sister's child. For three years he basically raised that kid like any other parent to the point he's STILL excited to mention teaching her to walk in an AITA. Meanwhile, the sister who can't find time to raise her child but has enough time to find a husband, swoops in to take the child she didn't help raise and demands no one speak of OP's sacrifice again.
Delivery sucked, but honestly it really needed to be said. Just seems like OP finally snapped at having what probably feels like his daughter snatched and told to shut up about it for the next decade. Especially by a woman trying to kick OP while he's down in earshot of the niece he raised.
I don’t understand why this is a secret to begin with???? It should be known and celebrated that she has such a wonderful grandmother and uncle. This should have united you all. Your sister clearly feels a lot of shame for how she behaved and that must be why she doesn’t want it discussed… she’s TA for expecting you to raise her child for 3 years and then sweep it all under the rug. I’m sure you love this little girl deeply and to break off your connection with her and pretend it didn’t happen is probably deeply painful. But I’m curious why you don’t mention that in your post? This is all very strange. You however are also TAH for announcing it in this way. You said she abandoned her daughter??? In front of the daughter?! That’s HARSH. And so damaging for your niece to hear. Truly ESH. If you love your niece you should go back and tell her that you chose your words poorly and apologize to her.
I’m going to make some more edits for context later, as I made this post after a phone call with my mother and I didn’t have time to put in as much extra info as I wanted. I’ll add some more later.
NTA. This kind of secret never stays secret and it's always going to be devastating when it comes out. If your sister didn't want her child to know she abandoned her at birth, then she either shouldn't have abandoned her at birth or she should have kept her opinion on your ability to handle responsibility to herself.
I'm sorry your niece found out that way, but again, things like never stay buried. It's really ironic she wants to badmouth you about responsibility when you raised the child she abandoned.
ESH.
More so on her mom and grandmother but you didn’t have to tell her like that. Also does she know that her mom’s husband isn’t her dad? Did your niece ever question why there were not as many photos of her from when she was a toddler with her mom?
Edit: Changing to NTA.
She’s been told that her moms husband is not her biological father, but my sister has always told her to call him dad anyway.
Oof poor kid. I hope you are able to take your niece out for a fun afternoon and explain to her that she wasn’t meant to find out that way. Take a step back from the family, but let her know if she needs anything you are a call or text away.
I hope you can talk this over with a therapist or trusted friend. I also hope you can get yourself back into school, but at least work on yourself for the time being.
It’s been complicated between me, my sister, her husband and my mom. I’m on the side that it was a mistake for it to come out this way and discussing it as a group would be the best way to go about it. But my sister thinks we can just pretend it never happened again, and my niece will just forget
Your sister is dead wrong if she thinks she'll forget. This isnt information someone, even an eleven year old, just forgets. Its formative information that should have never been kept from her in the first place. You're right, discussing it as a group is likely the best way to go about it, probably in a family therapy session so theres a mediator. Pretending the conversation never happened will only make things worse for your niece, because she now needs to process this information in a healthy way, but cant because everyone wants to pretend it never happened.
Yeah, the adults (you, grandma, mom, and dad) need to come together to talk about this. It’s out of the box and just hoping that things will go back to normal isn’t the way.
I hope you do go to therapy, we have like 4-5 paragraphs to try to figure things out. You were 17, did you drop out of high school? It also seems there is a lot of resentment at your sister and mom. You need to talk with someone about all of that and get it out in open.
I did drop out of school, my mom suggested it and I agreed since trying to raise the baby at the same time as doing school work felt like too much pressure.
That is so outrageous. Your sister was being a huge jerk in this situation (and in general, for not kissing your feet every day for caring for her child), but your mom really sucks for encouraging you to sacrifice your future to clean up your sister’s mess.
Forget about your selfish lying sister and your enabling mum. I am worried about you.
Can you go back to study or do you have a trade? Are you financially independent? You need to look after yourself and stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Your niece is not going to forget like she was 3, and she may continue to ask. My concern is your sister will lie to her and make you the villian. Don't lie to cover your sister. She has done enough damage to you. You had done her a favour and she should be grateful to you. Does her now husband know that you sacrificed your education to raise her kid? Maybe she has been sprouting lies to him too.
Your sister and mom both sound like incredibly shitty people. Hope you can continue to be there emotionally for your niece.
ESH. This shouldn’t have been a secret. You put your life on hold for your sister’s child. Where was she during this period of time?
She moved states to get a new job, and we saw her at Christmas time for a few days.
You stepped up while she got to leave & ignore her responsibility and that sucks. It was bad timing but you didn’t purposefully tell your niece.
I say NTA. Honestly any secrets as big as this are bound to come out especially when the parent tries to call out the person who did a huge life changing favor for them. Yes it traumatizes the niece. And that stinks, but she would have learned eventually/deserved to learn eventually. And hopefully you didn’t blab it so niece purposefully heard, but even so I wouldn’t have blamed you.
I think it is the definition of stupid if you are going to poke at someone’s unemployment as a reason to degrade them for being irresponsible when your own irresponsibility is a leading cause in their place in life now. Dropping out of school is no small thing. And being a stay at home dad to a baby for years is a crazy amount of responsibility for someone. It is also especially thankless when deadbeat mom swoops back in to take baby when they are finally becoming more self sufficient. Sad all around, but you wouldn’t catch me insulting someone who raised my kid for years for me ever (unless they were being mean to said kid).
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I think your sister should always been honest about the past with her daughter. This shouldn’t have been a family secret. However how your niece found out was the worst possible way ever. Yes it was good you stood up for yourself but you could have worded it better….
INFO: Did you have any idea that your niece was close enough to hear the fight with your sister?
ESH
For lying and using the kid as ammunition in your own sibling rivalry
This also seems some fake AI BS
It happens to many people. My MIL was raised by Grandma and found out at 18 her sister was her mother. They were never going to tell her.
I went through something similar too. My grandparents raised me until I was 5. Only difference is I wasn't lied to. I knew they raised me. And it was great. Some details were hidden as to why but they didn't try to sweep the truth under the carpet.
Just mentioning it because I know it sounds super farfetched. But this is pretty common.
ESH because your sister had no right of dissing you and saying your irresponsible. You suck because you knew her daughter was home and that there was a possibility of overhearing the argument. Anybody who believes your sister did nothing wrong, is dululu.
ESH
Your mom should never have let you drop out of education and sacrifice your childhood to take care of her other child’s baby. From your replies, she also shouldn’t have let your sister move to another state and leave the two of you with her child.
Your sister was 20 at the time and under a lot of pressure to have that child, but at the same time she should have given the baby up for adoption. That, and I can see why the argument happened, saying that the person who cared for her child for 3 years is irresponsible is a recipe for disaster.
Your outburst may have been directed at your sister and that was justified against her. You may have wanted to tell your niece the truth about what happened rather than leave her mistrusting you all if you refused to answer. But I think this should have been a sit down conversation and it should have came after youd discussed it with your mom and sister.
And this whole thing should never have been kept a secret, where the burden of that secret mainly falls on you. I’ve messaged you before in the past about other things OP, hope everything goes well.
ESH. Keeping secrets often leads to mess.
ESH your sister was completely out of line, FAFO. You should not have dragged a child into your argument. Bitch out your adult sister all you want, but don't let your niece be collateral damage.
You’re angry at the wrong person. Your mother’s choice to de-prioritize you in your education, it’s just that a choice.
This is something that is very common within religious communities that exalt the birth of children, but completely under represent how impactful childbirth is physically and emotionally on the mother. I actually know plenty of young mothers who struggled and whose family network stepped in to raise their children until they were able to get on their feet. Something else you might not realize is there is no cut off to being a mother, and your sister required her mother’s support during the difficult time she was in, and your mother’s choice to make you a part of her fix it plan is a conversation you need to have with her.
YTA, because your anger is misdirected and more than that no one ever gets a prize or gold medal for being a good parent. That is an action you take out of care and necessity, your mother’s forcing of that up on you is a problem that you need to take to her and not your sister. And you may want to include NASDAQ as pressured as you selves to step in and parent, your knees, is likely the same pressure. Your sister felt to give birth in the first place. So why is it that you get to be angry and seek empathy due to youth, but she doesn’t?
The sister lost any right to be a parent after she abandoned her daughter during the "hard" years and only came back once she was older. She doesn't deserve any empathy for continuing to by a liar
ESH.
Your sister doesn't get to look down her nose now that she's in a different position in life. She forced you into a whole lot of responsibility when she opted to be irresponsible. You should not have made such a comment where little ears could hear it. But even more, you should have had a family powwow to discuss how best to explain the situation for how old she is and figure out if it even needed discussed at this point. Instead, you dropped a very big bomb on a very small child because you were angry. It shouldn't be kept a secret forever, but that's not how you do it. This wan't just your choice and doesn't just impact you, and that was cruel.
YTA. I'm sorry you went through this op. No child should be dropping out of school to raise other little children the adults at home should be raising. I know you said your mom picked up more work but the onus shouldn't have been on you, your sister should have stepped up or put the baby up for adoption. This is your mom and sisters fault 100%. I don't know that telling a little girl her mother didn't want her was the best move though. I say this as someone whose own mother said straight to my face once when I was a kid she never wanted me. It really stings. You shouldn't have said that in front your neice. I think that puts you in AH territory.
Then maybe sister shouldn’t be throwing stones while living in a glass house.
It should have been done a lot gentler but secrets will always get out.
So you think OP should keep participating in gaslighting his niece for the benefit of the person abusing him.
Fucking awful take there.
YTA. You have valid baggage, but you need to keep that amongst the adults. You just dropped a bomb on your innocent niece. Not even remotely okay.
Nothing wrong with the niece knowing the truth
YTA because you didn't think about your niece, the child in this situation. It sounds like you told her in a brutal way. Yes, she could have been told at some point but this was a gross way to do it. This information is a huge thing for your niece to process and could completely change her relationship with her mum - which regardless of your feelings about your sister, is important to her, the child.
Your sister and mum didn't handle any of the stuff well before that but in THIS situation YTA for not keeping grown up stuff to the grown ups. And eventually discussing what, when and how your niece would be told. You dropped a life changing bomb shell on a child and she may now struggle to trust ANY of you.
Why would you let a child know that!?
NTA Secrets are never good for anyone, and she overheard, it's not like you told her on purpose out of pettiness. Besides, your sister is the real asshole.
YTA
The person to think about was your niece. You let your ego take over and then doubled down.
You're obviously a nice person for everything you did, so judging you as an AH is probably quite harsh.
With that being said, you potentially traumatised your niece, who you obviously love to bits, because you wanted to 'get back' at your sister.
Very gentle yta.
YTA, you punished your niece (in a way that will be very hard for her to come back from) for your sister's rude comment. That was an extremely dick move, full stop.
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ESH but YTA for keeping it a secret to at some point weaponize that information when it suited you and only harmed your niece as you used it as a shield to protect yourself.
At no point was this information being used to help your niece and I think that’s the most important distinction, is how you used the information. Even if the argument had been about something else such as telling your niece the truth and your sister refused, and you kept insisting, having it being blurted out like that without handling it with the care it deserves will ultimately only harm your niece and destroys any safety she thought she had. The person she thought loved beyond a doubt gave her up at her most vulnerable state for 3 years
The ESH is for your sisters actions and everyone in the family who wanted to keep this a secret.
Yta. You lashed out to hurt your sister, but hurt the niece you claim to love. Twice. Shane on you.
ESH because your Mom and sister want you to forget all the sacrifices and emotional attachment you had to have with your niece for YEARS. You should get credit for that.
Your family are TA's for expecting everyone to go along with the lie and basically discount the years you gave up to parent her child.
I'm just sorry your niece overheard it in that manner. Hopefully you can sit down with her after everyone calms down and explain how privileged you were to be able to spend 3 years taking care of her.
YTA. Why would you do that to your niece? That was very hurtful and pretty cruel all in an attempt to hurt her mother.
So because the niece was lied to it's not hurtful and cruel? It still happened. It is still the truth. Had mom gently told her daughter the truth this would not have even happened.
The mom walked away from that little girl for 3 years. And is now judging her brother who dropped out of school to raise her child.
I am confused as to why people think the family should continue lying to this child?
Having been in this situation myself I was glad to know the truth. I hate being lied to. It's a double whammy. Because someday you are going to find out and be angry nobody told you.
YTA as others have said, you wanted to get back at your sister and ended up giving your niece life long abandonment issues. I hope you have a talk with her and clarify that everyone wanted her and loves her. I don’t know why it would fall to you to raise the baby and I have no clue why you would drop out of school, why a parent would allow that and why a real adoption wasn’t done. Your sister not wanting to do paper work makes no sense as the alternative was your mom getting another job and you dropping out of school. Sounds like your mother really mishandled this entire situation.
His sister was 20, not a child but a adult who made the very adult choice of keeping her baby instead of terminating the pregnancy. I feel OP has every right to be mad at her. And what do you mean everyone want her? Her UNCLE and her grandmother wanted her and SACRIFICED for her, her parents didn't. Edit: spelling
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ESH (except for niece, obviously)
NTA
YTA - no question your sister was out of line and deserved your anger, but your niece didn't and you took your anger with her mother out on her instead.
How did he take anger out on the niece?
INFO: did you know your niece was there?
If you didn't know, then the slip could be forgiven, but even if your niece asked what you meant, you really shouldn't have told her like that. I'm leaning to ESH, but if you knew then definitely YTA
I had no idea she was there, and I was actually the one who checked she was in bed earlier that night. My mother was also there and was involved in the argument, but none of us saw my niece come in.
YTA holy cow your poor niece.
YTA. You did this out of anger and you're so petty you are willing to hurt your neice just to get a dig in at your sister.
Please read the post. He did not do this out of anger. The niece had been put to bed several hours before this discussion took place. Nobody saw she had gotten up and was coming out when this discussion took place. Secrets like this are toxic. Children should always know the truth of their own origin and history. OP deserves praise and gratitude for the sacrifice and the service he gave to his niece's start in life by providing a loving, stable and consistent role in raising her. And sister needs to show a little gratitude. She should actually do all she can to help him get his GED and some training now for a more stable future as he put off his education to care for his niece.
YTA. You shouldn’t spread your pain to another (younger) person - something that will stay with them the rest of their life. Did it alleviate your resentment? Get help - you have had a toxic life and you’re passing it forward.
TTA. In what world will this comment benefit your niece‘s emotional well being? And how insecure are you that you hauled out a 13 year old grievance to get back at your sister for making a petty remark. Honestly, I’m a very easy going and forgiving person, but if I was your sister, I’d go no contact with you. You sound just plain mean.
Sure are the AH. You took out your frustration on your niece who is innocent in this.
YTA. she's just a kid, she's vulnerable, and in an effort to hurt her mom for being ungrateful, you basically told your niece she was unwanted. you should be ashamed and disgusted with yourself.
YTA. Your niece deserves to know the truth one day in an appropriate manner, but you told her out of spite just to hurt her mother. You did indeed traumatize your niece, because now instead of seeing you as someone who took care of her and having two maternal figures, she feels abandoned and like a burden to both of you.
NTA. You had no idea your niece was within earshot. Karma is a bitch. I guess sis had it coming.
Soft YTA, because that's not how your niece should have been told. I do understand your frustration, though. Your sister is definitely TA.
wouldn't it be ESH then?
If your sister is 31 and got pregnant at 17, wouldn't that make the niece at least 13 years old and not 11?? Edit, just reread and realised you was 17 when she was pregnant. Sorry, my bad.
OP was 17. Sis was 20.
And I can’t wrap my head around OP’s mom allowing OP to drop out of school to raise a 20 yo’s baby. Presumably, he was in the last year of HS. That is crazy.
Because it's likely a fake story. If this had happened back in the 1980s it would be believable, but in 2015? When a significant amount of school work was being completed or turned in via computer, and smart phones were already a thing? And online schooling and homeschooling were both well established?
Also, OP was 17 when his sister got pregnant, but pregnancies last for 9 months. Even if we adjust that down to 6 months to allow for her to find out that she's pregnant, since his comment about her choosing to keep the pregnancy for religios reasons suggest that she found out early enough to still be in the timescale for an abortion, the niece is 11 while his is only 28; that means that the pregnancy and birth both had to fall in-between OP's 17th and 18th Birthdays in order for the maths to add up, and that there can't be more than 6 months between their birthdays. It's not mathematically impossible, but it does make things highly unlikely, especially with the added contaxt of OP supposedly having to drop out of school (in order for that maths to add up, OP would need to have a birthday after September, and the kid some time after March but less than 6 months before OP's, otherwise OP would have had less than a year of school left before graduating and would likely have been mostly prepping for exams at that point).
OP was 17 when his sister got pregnant, so the sister was 20 when she got pregnant
the sister is 3 years older than OP. If OP was 17, then the sister would have been 20 at the time she got pregnant. 11 years later, she is 31.
ESH but I feel like you telling the truth shouldn't be a massive disgrace. It's not your fault your sister lied to her child. Had she told her daughter the 100% truth this would not have happened. You and your mom should've been respected for what you did for your sister. She should've told her daughter how wonderful you were.
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I only include the following because I lived a similar experience but was not lied to. One issue was hidden until my Father blabbed after their divorce. But I was glad I didn't know until I knew. I already resented him for dumping us as kids; so I was not surprised by the revelation.
(Hidden info was My father didn't want a 3rd child so his parents raised me until was 5. I miss those times because I felt so loved. There was no secret to it aside from him not wanting me. I just thought I was upstairs in their apt because my mom needed help. I had a wonderful bond with them until my parents decided to sell the house and not include them in our new life. They moved to another state to be near my Aunt. I was devastated and frankly never recovered. Those were the best years of my life)
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Your niece may have felt similar about you and your mom had your sister not lied to her. Then had the nerve to say you couldn't handle responsibility? Ew. I am surprised you didn't say more.
But yes, for the sake of the child it could've been handled better.
YTA trying to hurt your sister you hurt your niece instead.
The funny thing is secrets always seem to find a way to be discovered. Eventually she'd have found out. At least her bio-parents and everyone else involved are alive and she can ask all the questions she has.
My co-worker discovered their past after parents had passed away so unable to have any of their questions answered.
Did this rock her foundation, yes. Can she build from this, yes.
Everything was heated and emotionally charged. You were verbally attacked by your sister, so you replied with a truth that she's lying about you, and for her to own she's slandering you. You didn't know your neice was there and could overhear, otherwise you'd have walked away. You were in a situation where an answer was required. Your niece heard you say that, you needed to give her an answer, not a lie.
NTA
NTA.
Your sister insulted you and you, in place of doing the same, you said the truth. It's the problem for your sister if she can't handle it.
Stopping with your studies to raise someone else's kid was a huge mistake.
So when she decided she was ready to be a mom again, you guys just handed her back over to the mother who didn’t raise her? You could’ve gone for legal custody after 2 years; or at least when she popped back up wanting to just assume motherhood again. After all your sacrifice to raise her for 3 years, did you want to hand her back to get your life back or did you think you had no other choice?
Your mom is an AH for expecting you to drop out of school to raise her other daughter’s child.
Your sister is an AH for abandoning her kid and then showing up a few years later to finally be a mother now that she had a man in her life. She is also an AH for having the nerve to say you can’t handle responsibility after all you sacrificed to raise her child for 3 years! Does she honestly think her now 11 year old daughter will forget you saying you and your mom raised her in the first years of her life? How foolish. You’re NTA. The kid overheard and so you had to explain what it meant. She deserved to know anyways.
Hey, when my sister came back and wanted to take full tiem care of my niece there was really no discussion about it I had a right to have custody of her or not. My mom agreed to handing her over instantly, and I think she was majorly glad my sister came back at all since we barely heard from her. It was a bad time for me having to give up the child I raised, but since my father passed away my mother has been head of the household and what she says is usually what goes. So I did not engage some kind of custody battle, because I already knew it was a lost cause. I knew My mom and my sister and my sisters husband would be against me having care of my niece.
YTA You hurt your niece in an attempt to hurt your sister. Shame on you.
NTA your sister is. As an adult who was a child in a similar situation as this before i never was mad at who told me but instead at who didn’t. They’re the liars. Not you, you did what you were supposed to as an uncle. To hell with your sister. Tell you niece the truth and get her some therapy. I’m glad she now sees her mom for who she truly is.
NTA.
I come from a family where secrets reigned supreme. Until stuff came out and messed up my family anyway. I feel for your niece, but your sister and your mom are super shitty.
Sorry that you missed out on opportunities because of your irresponsible family.
Esh
But YOU are the AH to your niece. If she’s settled and doing well with her mother and stepdad then you took a petty comment from your sister and uprooted your nieces solid foundation.
It is a good thing your niece doesn’t remember her mother panicking. Yes, it’s amazing you stepped up and did all you did…but who did you do it FOR?
All the work you put into your niece being a well adjusted 1-3year old child went out the window once she hear your statement. Her entire life probably feels like it was a lie. 3 years to an 11 year old is a lot. You put the work in for 3 years and made your niece well-adjusted and then you undid it in a second.
Your niece probably needs you to backpedal and apologize to your sister and her. You let a petty comment upset you that you literally induced a crash out for your 11 year old niece.