I’m in a fairly competitive PhD program (top 50 school) and this weekend we had a big holiday party for all the grad students. The cohort of students I belong to is pretty close-knit and friendly; there’s about a dozen of us. As we were sitting around the fire pit chatting, the topic of post-graduate plans came up. A lot of us were chatting about postdocs, teaching jobs, or going private. Then we got to another friend, let’s call her Chelsea, who said she had no post-grad plans at all. Everyone kind of paused for a bit and asked her to elaborate. She plainly said “I’m not going on the job market after I finish my PhD. I just want to get my doctorate so people have to call me doctor. My only plan after graduating is to have kids and be a stay at home mom.” Some people kind of chuckled while others made little remarks like “get it girl” or “you do you.”
Chelsea left early and by the end of the night it was just me and a few others in the cohort. I returned to the topic from earlier, remarking “can you believe Chelsea has no intention to work after her PhD???” Personally, I find this rather selfish. It’s a huge financial/time commitment, it’s by no means easy, and it’s a fairly competitive program with limited admittance. Chelsea currently has one of the few research assistant (RA) positions available in our department which comes with a full tuition waiver and monthly stipend. I mentioned that I thought it was unfair of her to have the perks of being an RA when she has no intention of actually using her degree. There are many students in our program who really struggle to make ends meet, and the RA position looks strong on a resume.
Some of my friends said that I was being petty or that if she wants the degree that’s her prerogative. I disagreed and said if she doesn’t get a job placement it actually hurts our program rating and that to have a PhD and not use it is pretty “useless” which is when another person said I crossed the line by saying that. Now I feel like there’s a weird dynamic in our group chat which has been silent since Saturday. AITA?
I like how the OP starts with a holiday party and ends with saying the group chat went silent. Not exactly a contradiction, but it's a jump between communication methods.
But really, this setup feels like a thinly veiled trad wife argument. Of course, OP was out of line because it's totally valid for a woman to complete higher education and then become a trad wife.
Where I don't believe the post is in the grad student saying she did it for the title only and would have no other use for her degree. That's not how grad students generally talk. Prioritizing starting a family doesn't mean not doing something with one's education, and that something doesn't necessarily mean a job.
Doesn’t every woman pay tens of thousands of dollars and spend hundreds of hours to get a PhD just to keep a man from getting the paid RA position that would get him a better job?
Wait are you saying you didn't get your MRS-PhD, just to lord it over the other parents at jazz dance classes and force them to refer to you as Doctor, all while getting that sweet sweet side benefit of stopping students in need from getting a bit of help?
And here I was assuming that the vast majority of those getting their PhD's were those from wealthy families whose parents can afford to support them through as PhD, and thus would see a higher than average number of people who don't need to worry about work and are pursuing education for educational sake
(I'm exaggerating, but the fact is that PhD students are far more likely to come from a middle or upperclass background than a truly workingclass one)
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AITA for saying my friend’s PhD is useless?
I’m in a fairly competitive PhD program (top 50 school) and this weekend we had a big holiday party for all the grad students. The cohort of students I belong to is pretty close-knit and friendly; there’s about a dozen of us. As we were sitting around the fire pit chatting, the topic of post-graduate plans came up. A lot of us were chatting about postdocs, teaching jobs, or going private. Then we got to another friend, let’s call her Chelsea, who said she had no post-grad plans at all. Everyone kind of paused for a bit and asked her to elaborate. She plainly said “I’m not going on the job market after I finish my PhD. I just want to get my doctorate so people have to call me doctor. My only plan after graduating is to have kids and be a stay at home mom.” Some people kind of chuckled while others made little remarks like “get it girl” or “you do you.”
Chelsea left early and by the end of the night it was just me and a few others in the cohort. I returned to the topic from earlier, remarking “can you believe Chelsea has no intention to work after her PhD???” Personally, I find this rather selfish. It’s a huge financial/time commitment, it’s by no means easy, and it’s a fairly competitive program with limited admittance. Chelsea currently has one of the few research assistant (RA) positions available in our department which comes with a full tuition waiver and monthly stipend. I mentioned that I thought it was unfair of her to have the perks of being an RA when she has no intention of actually using her degree. There are many students in our program who really struggle to make ends meet, and the RA position looks strong on a resume.
Some of my friends said that I was being petty or that if she wants the degree that’s her prerogative. I disagreed and said if she doesn’t get a job placement it actually hurts our program rating and that to have a PhD and not use it is pretty “useless” which is when another person said I crossed the line by saying that. Now I feel like there’s a weird dynamic in our group chat which has been silent since Saturday. AITA?
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I like how the OP starts with a holiday party and ends with saying the group chat went silent. Not exactly a contradiction, but it's a jump between communication methods.
But really, this setup feels like a thinly veiled trad wife argument. Of course, OP was out of line because it's totally valid for a woman to complete higher education and then become a trad wife.
Where I don't believe the post is in the grad student saying she did it for the title only and would have no other use for her degree. That's not how grad students generally talk. Prioritizing starting a family doesn't mean not doing something with one's education, and that something doesn't necessarily mean a job.
Doesn’t every woman pay tens of thousands of dollars and spend hundreds of hours to get a PhD just to keep a man from getting the paid RA position that would get him a better job?
Wait are you saying you didn't get your MRS-PhD, just to lord it over the other parents at jazz dance classes and force them to refer to you as Doctor, all while getting that sweet sweet side benefit of stopping students in need from getting a bit of help?
And here I was assuming that the vast majority of those getting their PhD's were those from wealthy families whose parents can afford to support them through as PhD, and thus would see a higher than average number of people who don't need to worry about work and are pursuing education for educational sake
(I'm exaggerating, but the fact is that PhD students are far more likely to come from a middle or upperclass background than a truly workingclass one)
Beep boop! Automod here with a quick reminder to never brigade r/AmITheAsshole or other subs under any circumstances. Brigading puts you in violation of both our rules and Reddit’s TOS, and therefore puts this sub at risk of ban. If you brigade/encourage brigading of any kind, you will be banned from participating in either sub. Satirizing of posts should stay within this sub, which means that participating directly in linked posts should either be done in good faith or not at all.
Want some freed, live, discussion that neither AITA nor Reddit itself can censor? Join our official discord server
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.