Am I overreacting for not wanting anyone around my newborn yet?
I told all my family during my pregnancy that once she was born I do not want anyone holding her right away because it's cold , rsv and flu season. I'm a hypochondriac already and I was verrry clear about that fact. everyone knew and already was giving me shit for it then. But once she was born shit has hit the fan with my husbands side of the family. I let people come to the hospital the day after she was born and my mother in law somehow got me to allow her to hold the baby (I was so out of it I don't know why I let her) but I figured she'd just hold her for a second and give her back.
But she didn't..she took her and was snuggling into her and I asked for her back and she ignored me. Mind you- my mom warned her before she came to the hospital that I won't like anyone holding the baby so she knew I'd be upset. She was also being controlling and trying to change her diaper when my husband was doing it and telling me my baby needed socks and all this other stuff in a passive aggressive manner. When I finally got my baby back that day she was crying from being picked up and stuff and she even said "see she wants her grandma"
She basically left after that and I just lost it and bawled my eyes out. When MIL found out that I cried about it she started freaking out telling my husband "I'm sorry I made her upset but geez I only held her for 20 mins" I tried to clear the air by telling her it was ok this time and I was just hormonal. But then it got worse when we said we still don't want people holding her yet ... we said people can come over but not hold her and my MIL started crying to my husband asking him why does he get to hold her then and if she can't hold the baby then what's the point of coming over. She said my baby being born was the best day of her life after her own kids and that the family NEEDS to bond with them. I don't understand how my newborn is supposed to bond with anyone but me and my husband right now.. she barely wants to be with my husband only me.
His dad (my FIL) is also upset and texted us that long story short he feels left out basically and that we should be checking in on them and asking them for advice etc..even though we send so many pictures and updates and during labor we literally kept them informed the entire time? My mil even decided to call us after we said she was just born like girl we were still in the delivery room pls wait? I now wish I did everything different but they keep acting like I'm icing them out just because I said I don't want anyone to hold her YET.
I told them that I'm having post partum depression and anxiety and I honestly just want to be left alone and that it won't last forever and they'll have so much time with my baby soon but I just want to wait. And they can't accept it and keep telling me they disagree and that this is when I should be taking their help but I really don't want or need it I have my husband with me. And I'm upset that they can't respect my boundaries and how am I supposed to trust her when she already didn't listen hours after I had my baby. This last text is how it left off and my husband and I both have no idea how to respond as we've said everything we could already. I've always been so close to them and love them and have included them in everything so I'm shocked at this outcome. Am I overreacting ?
YTA, can't you appreciate your spouse for all their personality traits? What's wrong with a little maulin' between consenting adults a bear and a nonconsenting adult anyways?
You may but also I teach and use “the littles” to talk about everyone 4th grade and below so… I will have to continue being someone who uses it. My apologies
Easiest and quickest way to refer to them for me. There is a specific word for it in the language of the country I teach but not so much a great direct translation that everyone would know. “Elementary” isn’t used as a term here and they learn British English. As an American, that means there’s another level of language barrier for me. Besides, one could argue 5th grade is still elementary but for some schools, but they aren’t a part of that group at mine. It’s divided 1-4 and 5-8, so when I speak English with my colleagues it’s the easiest way to convey which students I’m asking about.
Also I don’t really care if the way I speak is cringe or twee or whatever. I’ll use this Frankenstein bastard of a language however I damn well please
I’m a trans man and a new annoying one they’ve started on with is FTM as an acronym for “first time mom”. Which is bothersome for me since FTM has for ages been a term for Female to Male trans people, and I’ve deadass seen people try to act like we “stole” the acronym or something
mom board acronyms are totally deranged (and i say this as a mom myself). the weirdest are the two-letter acronyms for people trying to conceive. some, like MC meaning miscarriage, are fairly straightforward, but BD can mean intercourse (not sure why they can't just say "sex" or something...i assume it's some sort of puritanical thing) or baby daddy, for example, and it just gets crazier from there.
edit to add that i hadn't seen the acronym "FTM" used for anything other htan female-to-male before, so i just googled it, and apparently on mom boards it can mean both full-time mom AND first-time mom. so confusing.
I'm pretty sure I've seen them say it means "baby dance." Which I feel like might be worse than bone down. Like in the forums when people are talking about trying to concieve, they'll say they need to start the baby dance or BD
I got super- confused a few years ago when I had my first baby and the parenting subs all seemed to be full of a disproportionate amount of transgender parents lol. Then I realized how it was being used.
I remember seeing that one on a few pregnancy subreddits when I was pregnant with my first in 2015/2016 and being surprised at how many pregnant trans men there were in the group. Took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out they meant first time mom, lol.
There was one the other day where so many commentors started out by calling the girl "honey". I get that the girl was 16, but that type of shit annoyed me so much at that age that I would probably disregard their advice just to spite them.
Eugh, sweetie and darling too. There was this weird Reddit craze a few years ago where everyone seemed to cosplay as Southern Belles and every commentor had to explain that they an Aunt who said "bless your heart" as an insult. It pops up again every now and then.
Just send them articles of babies getting sick and dying. Dont talk to them, just send a new article every time they beg
How about not suggesting that to the woman who has fully admitted to suffering from hypochondria and dealing with post partum depression/anxiety! I mean, what the holy fuck? Don't suggest something that would send this woman down a rabbit hole and possibly cause her to have a nervous breakdown?
I mean, sure, this story is fictional, however, the commenters over there presumably believe it. That's kind of the last piece of advice they should be giving in this case.
Someone told her to "just link articles about babies getting sick and dying" in the group chat, every single time she's asked. Um...that's not a healthy idea for a woman who has admitted to suffering from hypochondria and post partum anxiety/depression? Holy shit.
I saw this post yesterday in the AIO reacting sub, and most of the comments are deranged. The OP literally says she has mental health issues, and says she is a hypochondriac with post partum anxiety/depression. Yet the majority of comments are encouraging her to keep reinforcing her mental illness by isolating? Like what the -? Why on earth is that going to be good for anyone?
Yeah, that's the problem with posting serious stuff on reddit, you gonna get the classic advice along the lines of "Your boundaries are the most important thing in the world, stand your ground, change nothing, go contact with everyone, burn all the bridges!!!" no matter what your post is about: a shitty secret santa gift or serious mental concern that also involves a newborn.
You've hit the nail on the head. 99.9% of comments are exactly that, people telling the OP to isolate her baby, go no contact, or divorce the husband for not "standing up" more 😂😭 Post partum mental health issues can spiral extremely quickly and be very serious, because they're all exacerbated by the hormone flucuations you get post partum. So Reddit's stereotypical advice is only going to add fuel to the fire for OP. She's just going to be left feeling like her anxiety has been validated.
I had a conflict with my husband because his parents wouldn't get covid and flu and tdap vaccines when our son was born. I was told by Reddit I should have divorced him. Yes, let me leave my husband during the postpartum period after my C section because we had a single disagreement.
There's someone who posts on r/comics about living alone in a very "I don't need social contact" way, and to me it comes across as incredibly self destructive or a cry for help. But the vast majority of comments are encouraging the behaviour, it's just sad to see. It might be that the OP is playing a character, but the comments don't see it as a comedy.
Tbf grandma and grandpa can wait 8 weeks and she can get some ERP therapy after she goes back to work. You don’t overcome OCD by forcing yourself to do whatever your parents want. ERP is guided not just “yeah just stop listening to your obsessions and compulsions RIGHT NOW.”
But please, call me an enabler. I crave absurd claims being lobbed at me over limited information that’s been misinterpreted to hell and back.
Postpartum anxiety and OCD are different illnesses, and respond better to different treatments 😊 The OOP needs better, and more structured, support than she was getting in the comments. She needs a professional to address her concerns, and my personal view is that this was not something she should have had Reddit weighing into. I believe she needs more than Reddit can offer. People in the comments should have told her this, and gently urged her to seek professional help. Only a trained mental health professional should be trying any therapies.
I’m convinced it’s all grandparents in the comments cuz it’s very “you’ll rue the day” and no one’s like “yes, focusing on the health of the baby and mother is paramount” lol
Of course it’s the mother’s choice. The mother can choose to wait until the baby is three years old to introduce them to her family if she wants to. She could never let her parents meet her baby if she wants to. That doesn’t mean it’s a good choice. I think 8 weeks is a long time for grandparents to have to wait to meet their grandchild.
Also the “confinement” the other commenter mentioned doesn’t mean nobody comes over and meets the baby. It just means the mom doesn’t leave the house. Relatives come over to help and bring stuff.
Not a good choice for who though? 8 weeks genuinely is not a long time, all vaccinations are done and settled by then and the baby has a more robust immune system. And there is truly nothing wrong with a mother selfishly soaking up every single second of those 8 weeks before having to go back to work.
I am almost at my due date and have 13 months of maternity leave (Australian here) so I know I have plenty of time to enjoy the infant phase. It’d be different if I only had 8 weeks.
Unless Australia is very different than the US, at eight weeks your baby will only have one round of shots. They’ll still be vulnerable to sickness. There’s no way to truly protect your baby from getting sick. Ask people to wear masks and practice hygiene and you’ll be fine.
Trust me, 8 weeks is a long time. You can soak up time with your baby and still allow their grandmother to come by and visit sometimes. You can do whatever you want but I think it’s ridiculous overkill to wait so long to let people meet your baby. I do think people who make that choice will regret it.
Did you read this post even? Because she said mil could come help but refuses, probably cuz she wants to kiss all on the baby’s face or take pics for Facebook. If she had genuine concern for the baby, wouldn’t mil be doing everything she can to help?
I know several people who got newborn herpes from their grandparents violating the same boundaries that OP mentions. Not to mention it’s a horrible flu, rsv, covid, and noro season.
You know several people who got neonatal herpes? Because it’s pretty rare.
Don’t get me wrong I asked people not to kiss my baby when he was really young but I think people on reddit totally overdue it. Like calm down and let their grandma see them. They create a lot of drama and isolate their village at a time when they should be focusing on their kid and bulging their community.
The comments on this post bothered me a lot when I saw it yesterday. In her own words the OP says she is struggling with her mental health, and says she is a hypochondriac and believes she has severe post partum anxiety. Yet everyone in the comments completely glosses over that fact, and encourages her to keep isolating and saying that if she doesn't isolate she'll risk her baby getting RSV/flu/covid/whooping cough etc; all massively triggering things for someone suffering with mental illness. This bothers me massively as not a single one of the top comments mentions her mental health, not a single one is saying her anxiety and distress aren't normal and needs addressing. They're all just reinforcing it for her, which anyone who has ever suffered with any form of anxiety will tell you that reinforcement is the WORST thing you can do. It just feeds the anxiety and makes it worse. She needs actual professional help so she can enjoy motherhood, not comments essentially telling her she's right to feel this anxious because disease will be everywhere, it's so unfair to her.
I think the comments are missing the middle ground. From what I gathered in the original post some family members wouldn't give her baby back right after birth even when she was distressed. That is not the time to practice accepting discomfort and they were creating an environment of distrust. Also they were kissing the baby not just holding it, that is such a no go for so many parents because herpes and other diseases spread that way and even kissing on skin instead of a mucous membrane can spread those diseases if there is damage to the skin.
Also it is flu, COVID and RSV season right now and a newborn that catches those is going to go to the hospital. She needs professional help but she shouldn't have to practice what is essentially flooding and feeling like all of her boundaries are broken because it makes other people feel better. She needs to work on herself but her husband wasn't establishing any boundaries with his mom. No one in this situation was completely in the right or the wrong.
I agree with this take. I think it would be better for commenters to nudge this person towards sensible precautions (wash hands, mask, don’t come over if sick) vs not holding the baby for 8 weeks. My brother was ridiculously COVID-cautious but he still let me hold my niece while wearing a mask, and of course I was willing to do it.
(The ridiculously COVID cautious thing came into play more as the baby got older and vaccinated and they maintained isolation as if it were spring 2020)
Baby 1: You dropped your pacifier on the floor! I will boil it for the approved five minutes so you, my precious child, darling and light of my eyes, do not die of a floor-born infection.
Baby 2: You dropped your pacifier on the floor! Let me quick rinse it off for you.
Baby 3: You dropped your pacifier on the floor! I'll pop it back in.
Baby 4: You dropped your pacifier on the floor! Let me rub it on the ground a bit so it has more flavor.
I just reread it, and she doesn't say they kissed her baby. She says in the post that they snuggled her, and in a comment she says she doesn't trust them not to kiss her, but that's her own personal opinion. Which is likely an opinion formed mostly by her anxiety, but she doesn't say anywhere that they already have kissed her baby. Kissing newborns is always a hard no, so I would be with you on that one if they had.
As for a newborn catching RSV, I know all about that and more. I got a crash course last year when my own 8 week old newborn tested positive, then within 24 hours ended up on bubble CPAP in HDU. My daughter now deals with the side effects of the damage her RSV infection caused to her lungs. She was a baby that I kept wrapped in a bubble, because we'd had such a rough pregnancy to get her here. I did exactly what OP did and banned everyone under the sun from touching her, and kept her indoors. She was still covid positive at a week old. Then RSV positive at 8 weeks old. Hiding her away solved nothing, it protected her from nothing, she almost died ANYWAY, and yes my entire family is fully vaccinated (boosters and optional vaccines to boot). Isolation is not a fix all, and is not a healthy boundary to have (speaking from experience). I was so paranoid, anxious, upset and suffering in silence. My baby still almost died. That isn't a life I would want even for my worst enemy. She needs help. Reasonable precautions would be having family wash their hands, a "don't kiss the baby" rule, not having people with symptoms of illness over, and generally keeping the home clean.
Edit: Just an edit because you say that any newborn who catches one of those will end up in hospital. No, that isn't the case. The vast majority will not end up as an inpatient. My own daughter's doctors were very clear with me, when I began to spiral, into explaining to me that my daughter was one of an unlucky few. This is not a universal experience, and most parents will thankfully never have the story we do. The vast majority of babies and children will recover without hospital intervention. My same daughter, who was extremely poorly from RSV, was also suspected to be covid positive from birth (I gave birth covid positive), and tested positive at a week old (newborn swab taken on the L&D ward, results took a while). She did not need any interventions for covid-19. It isn't a guarantee.
I should have said potentially going to the hospital. My bad that did come off as dramatic. And I may have conflated snuggling and kissing because in my mind snuggling a baby is when you put your face very close to theirs and I read the post yesterday.
I'm sorry you went through that experience, it is absolutely a tough one.
And I agree I'm not condoning her isolating, but a more measured approach would be appropriate. What happened to the original poster with her mother in law is a practice called "flooding" in which you take a phobia you have and you have to sit with it until you return to a state of calm. It's supposed to be done in controlled environments ideally, with a therapist to help someone practice calming techniques. If it is done incorrectly it actually reinforces the phobia which happened here. It also isn't appropriate to do immediately after a traumatic event, for example giving birth, or to someone that doesn't already have some coping skills to rely on.
OP needs to learn to lose some of her control over the situation but the mother in law was doing everything that would make OP fight to take control back. OP was vulnerable and not able to communicate well when the MIL pressured her to hold the baby in the first place which violated her sense of security and trust in MIL. And OP is working on setting boundaries she feels comfortable with like visiting but not holding the baby yet. Ultimately no one is entitled to hold a baby and saying something like "I want to be able to hold my grandchild. What can I do to help you feel comfortable with that," goes so much farther than guilt tripping. Or even setting her own boundaries would be better, "I accept that you won't let me hold my grandchild, but don't expect me to help you with dishes and I'll only be communicating with my son for now."
I'm not trying to say OP is 100% in the right. She should try to get into therapy and work to connect with her support system. But she's starting to go through a mental health crisis and flooding her when she doesn't already have coping techniques is going to make her phobia worse. Systematic desensitization would probably work better. Like MIL can help and use her washed hand to hold the baby's finger or stroke her forehead while the baby is in her bassinet. And then maybe while OP is holding baby MIL can sit next to her and baby talk. Then MIL moves to holding the baby on a pillow in her lap, and eventually she can cuddle the baby as she pleases.
Someone even suggested that she should send articles about babies who got sick and died to the family members, every single time they beg. That isn't a healthy suggestion at all and would just make this woman's anxiety so much worse. She'd definitely go down the rabbit hole of reading the articles and feel even worse.
Not necessarily. The poster talks about their mother in law being the problem. The tester calls mil ‘momma’. So, could be OP’s spouse responding to his mother in a group text op is also part of.
The husband appears to be on OP’s side, per OP’s telling, just without adequate skills re holding boundaries with his parents.
AIO as unhinged as usual with their comments and of course the mother in law and father in law wanting to hold the baby is manipulating according to the Redditors.
Cause no one can just be upset about something without it being manipulation.
Gonna guess outside of being pregnant and having the baby the rest of the story is made up for Reddit karma.
Back in the olden days women used to have a lying-in period where it was just them, the baby, an experienced female friend or relative, and she didn’t leave her room basically. The speed of news and travel meant that no one came to see for a good month or two anyway, and yet grandparents still managed to bond.
The idea that everyone is owed access to everyone else, all the time, is one of the worst societal developments in a long time.
This is still a thing across many many cultures - it’s called confinement. In Australia obstetricians don’t refer in medical certificates to estimated due date they refer to estimated date of confinement.
Really normal thing even now in Asia! I’m 100% planning to do confinement when I give birth. There are even centres you can go to where it’s just mum, dad and baby, and over the first month or so (however long you choose to stay) you not only get given the best care for recovery, they also give you hands on parenting classes to help you ease into your new life as parents.
It's also treating the baby like they're some exhibit commodity, a special display at a zoo or something. No, you're not owed special access to a baby 24/7, you're not their parent.
Yeah, like why would they want someone who claims my birth was the most important thing to ever happen to them?? That’s so weird. And the grandma is obviously being hyperbolic like “oooooh I’m the only grandparent in the world who can’t see my baby :,(“. Maybe she should look inward then if that’s true. Why don’t they want you around the baby?
Both my kids were the only pre-teens without cell phones in the entire history of time! So were their friends! It’s amazing how MIL has the same energy as a 12 year old whining.
To be fair, not all parents are worth keeping around. My mom is an emotionally abusive liar. I cut her out a decade ago and haven’t looked back. My wife’s parents are my parents now too.
A lot of the comments here are just as disappointing as the comments over there. Why is no one questioning why mil doesn’t want to come over to help? A lot of people seem to not have read the full post in which oop said people are allowed to come over they just can’t hold the baby. In response to that mil said why come over if not to hold the baby. A lot of y’all and society in general seem to only care about the newborn vs the health and care for the person who just gave birth.
I commented this on the original post and I’ll comment it here too- If you really want to help and care for the newborn, help to take care of the people who just brought the baby in the world. Offer to do chores or bring over food. Only wanting to come over to hold the baby shows an extreme lack of care for the person you claim to love. People are commenting “Oh, you won’t have a village” they don’t have a village now if people only want to hold the baby.
Yup yup. I also commented on it cause I had a baby peak covid and this bothered ts out of me. I let people hold my.baby, my rule was no kissing or touching her face/washing hands. And people still broke that and didnt check on me. I dont blame op at all.
Yeah I am going to have an argument with my grandmother in law over kissing the baby on the face almost guaranteed. My rule is you can kiss them on a clothed tummy or leg/arm and give them raspberries. You can't kiss them on their hands, feet or face or any exposed skin. I'm also expecting my baby to have skin issues like eczema so I don't want someone to get unlucky and kiss the start of an outbreak and infect them. Neither my husband or I have either HSV although we know some of our family members do have it so honestly we don't want our baby to get it or to get it from him when he does catch it, and we have at least two relatives we don't trust to be vaccinated. And I'm going to be watching my dad like a hawk to wash his hands because his dog plays with puppies and outside all the time.
Also personally I think it's gross to kiss children on the mouth if you aren't their parent, and low key I think it's gross for parents too but that's more of a personal decision. It's a hill I'm on alone but I will die on it.
I hear so many stories from people that didn't put their baby first over relative's comfort. My husband was hospitalized at less than a month old, my friend's baby went to the NICU, a coworker's kid has cold sores. Just because people felt entitled to holding a baby.
Yeah, I was getting the impression that MIL had no intention of coming over to help—she wants to come over and be hosted. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP posts again in a few days “AIO for telling my MIL to get out of my house after she complained that I didn’t clean the house spotless, didn’t serve her drinks and appetizers on a platter, and didn’t give up the comfy seat for her at my own house, despite me having just pushed a human out of my body?”
If she has so many mental issues, maybe her mother should be more focused on getting her daughter help than seeing her grandchild? Like, what are these comments?
We made the mistake of letting “grammie” brow beat us until we gave in on early visitation with our first
Well guess what? He got sick and we had to spend a week in the icu while they monitored his fever.
You know what happens when your infant is sick and they can’t identify why with the blood culture or viral screening? They do a spinal tap to check for meningitis.
The change from newborn to eight weeks is huge. Each to their own but I can't imagine denying loving family members the opportunity to see the new addition for that length of time. Its something that you can never get back
Did you read the post? They aren’t denying people from seeing the baby. She doesn’t want people to hold the baby yet. People can still come over. Additionally, when mil did hold the baby right after delivery she wouldn’t give the baby back to oop when asked.
The problem is that elderly lady always seems to want to kiss the baby. Get your herp away from my baby ma’am. And the adorable little cousin who wants to sneeze on baby’s head.
It’s a short time to make sure your daily germs don’t murder a very immature member of society. Get over your ego.
You mean you don’t like people doing what they want to do because you were forced to do things you don’t want to do and so you think everyone else should be forced to as well.
Here's the thing. Grandparents aren't owed access to their grandchildren. 8 weeks is NOT that long and parents are allowed to set whatever boundaries they want. They decided they didn't want outsiders around their infant until they were 8 weeks old. That's not that long of a time and grandma here is acting like that means they'll never get to see the kid. Maybe the parents are being too protective, maybe they aren't, but that's still their choice to make. Y'all here acting like it's so absurd to not want to expose a baby to excess germs or like somehow OOP is being ridiculous for setting a boundary. It's obvious some of you, not only don't have kids, but also have never dealt with an overbearing parent or in-law
Seriously. If it was a case of “you can come visit, but please don’t kiss the baby, wash your hands, and don’t plan to stay long or ask me to wake the baby up” and it would be respected, 3/4 of the “nope, not at all” people wouldn’t need to draw that line. It’s when you know they’re gonna do shit like sneak them solids or kiss them with a cold sore the second your back is turned that you throw your hands up and enact a blanket ban.
Yes but, nobody can meet the baby until it's 8 weeks?
And then all of a sudden the baby is in daycare for 10 hours a day with a whole bunch of germy strangers at 8 weeks? ( I don't know that it's 10 hours a day, I'm making that up.)
Just pointing out the bizarre thinking. In my own opinion people (who in my experience only exist on reddit, so, not my problem and possibly not actually real) who shut themselves in with a new baby and use the situation to control their other family members, and then promptly put it in childcare at such a young age, are being completely bizarre.
So while you're right, it's actually ridiculous. OOP has problems and it's not "we don't want the baby to get sick".
I find this kind of thing utterly baffling. It just makes no sense.
NTA as a father to a 3 month old little girl I'd totally agree with her mom. I'd literally tell her to tell her parents to go eff themselves. Our children are not their children. We're the parents and what we say goes. My daughter's mother made her father and father's fiance wait like 6 weeks, and I totally backed her. I don't want my newborn around a bunch of different people that young either.
The whole “nobody can breathe near my baby until they’re at least six months old” thing seems so unhinged. I get it, nobody wants a sick newborn, but also people have been passing babies around to random relatives as long as there have been babies. We’re a resilient species.
I also wonder if this woman is going to be complaining about how the grandparents never want to babysit in a couple years.
I wonder if this is a terminally online thing, because I've never seen it IRL. As soon as we're all able to walk around and move we're passing our babies around in my circle. Between school events for older kids, playdates, needing to go to the library etc.... I don't really see how it's feasible.
Yes! Reddit acts like letting anyone near your child until they are 2 or 4 or 6 or 12 months old is basically child abuse but I have never ever encountered anyone in real life who does this. I always wonder how these Reddit people expect this to work if it’s not your first kid. And the thing is I’ve never actually known an infant that died from getting a disease from meeting their grand parents. And I’m as pro-vaccine as they come. I’m not saying to take no precautions but Reddits attitude towards this seems way over the top.
Hard agree. I understand the amount of anti vaxxers is concerning, but ultimately, my oldest is in public school. If any illnesses enter my house I know exactly where they came from and there's not really anything I can do about it. I say this as a pro science mom of very soon to be 3 kids.
I suspect it’s 100% a terminally online thing. And like a lot of parenting alarmism, it sticks because nobody wants to sound like the person who doesn’t care about their kid’s safety and welfare.
The real harm is to people who tend toward anxiety to start with, who now have thousands of internet strangers validating their fears.
Honestly, I have noticed a definite shift towards almost germophobic behavior online (never noticed it off line).
The shoes in the house debate ('oh no, the rug might have germs on it!!!! We will get sick!' is what a lot of complaints about that boil down to), Cats on the counter (oh no, we might get sick from pet fur and they step in the litter box!' as if cleaning products don't exist and you can't clean counters), and babies not being allowed to see anyone until they are entering school (yes and exaggeration :P but again, boils down to 'oh no, people might have germs and the baby will get sick')
Like, yes, some things can cause illness, and you can take precautions and you can pretty much do what you want in your own house/with your own baby. But, if you believed people online, you would think that stepping outside your own house, which must be hermetically sealed and cleaner than clean rooms (the type that they make circuits in) is a risk for instant death at times.
Your last sentence is also so true. Because yeah, people who already have anxieties will just have their fears validated. That is why I don't read about sick cats and the like, because my anxieties focus around that, and I don't need to be hyper focused on my cats going 'are they breathing too fast?' 'Is that a sniffle? Why are their eyes closed?'
Agree! It's not that letting other people hold your baby is somehow risk free. It's that isolating yourself and your baby causes a host of other problems. Taking precautions is good! Shutting out people who want to help is less good.
(Interestingly, op apparently didn't say in the post but said in the COMMENTS that MIL is antivaxx, a claim that entirely changes the whole situation. It's for this reason that I'm reasonably certain it's ragebait -- how better to get internet people to fight than making sure they don't all have the same information?)
Yeah, I just assume that the majority of these posts are fake, but it is telling that they would hide extremely pertinant information in the comments, rather than bring it up as yet another reason (completely valid reason!) to not want MIL to hold the baby.
And yeah, you can isolate the baby, but I remember what my mother said about silence around babies.
At one time, people were trying to make everything absolutely silent around babies so they could sleep and wouldn't get woken up. This resulted in a lot of kids who couldn't sleep unless they were in completely silent rooms. Which... is nearly impossible.
So, it was then advised to go about your normal day. Don't try to isolate the child from any noise, because it can backfire later on in life.
This is somewhat the same situation. Take precautions. Absolutely take precautions, because babies ARE vulnerable to a lot of things. BUT, also realize going too far can be detrimental to the baby as well.
Agreed. I’m not saying to hand your premature infant to every random stranger with a cough and snotty nose, but a little balance would be nice.
I know this sounds callous, but part of how our immune systems are supposed to work is you get sick, you get better, your body’s defenses improve. And yes, there are people with compromised immune systems or other reasons casual exposure isn’t safe for them, but it’s a much smaller slice of the population than the internet would have you believe.
Plus, there are so many diseases that children (not necessarily an infant) can shrug off (yes, they get sick, yes they are miserable, yes there can be complications that cause them to be so much worse) that are so much worse as an adult.
Newborns also do have immune systems. And they get antibodies from mom that last the first months. If mom breastfeeds, there's also antibodies through breastmilk. There's the TDAP and RSV vaccines during pregnancy as well.
I’m curious, what do you think the chances are that a baby held by a grandparent is going to need hospitalization? One in a million, maybe? One in a hundred thousand? I have no idea, but it strikes me as being a risk on the level of “petting a dog” or “getting into a car.” As in, theoretically something bad could happen but that is in fact part of life.
I didn’t know the grandma was antivax and that does change things a little. But just to give a little more background on where I’m coming from, I do naturally tend to anxiety and the way I manage it is by doing math and realizing I am not, in fact, likely to be that one in a million. I understand that doesn’t work for everyone but it keeps me from spiraling.
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Isolating yourself during postpartum will only make your mental health worse. Isolation helps nothing. Coming from a young mom with a 2 year old who also went theough a mental health crisis after having a baby. I know it can be hard but allowing others to see you and your baby will help form bonds with the community you have and allow you to get the support you need. No mental health professional would ever/should ever tell you to isolate. Sometimes it's good to get out of your comfort zone and allow others in so that they can be there for you. If I were you I would let them come over to see the baby. I know that no one is entitled to your child, but if they are a trusted person and have good intentions for both you and the baby then trust that and move forward. Postpartum is a very difficult time, you need community and all the help you can get. If you don't allow it now then it may impact that relationship in the future in a negative way rather than having the village that every mom needs. We were built to be villages, but you have to be a villager in order to be a part of the village. I hope this helps and that you're able to allow good relationships and the community you need to flourish.
No and no. Babies are very susceptible to illness. Even healthy babies shouldn't be exposed more often than necessary. It's 8 weeks, grandparents can wait.
Yes, this is why hospitals are the worst place for babies...the grandparents are just two people who actually have reason to see the child. The average hospital is full of sick and contagious people.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Am I overreacting for not wanting anyone around my newborn yet?
I told all my family during my pregnancy that once she was born I do not want anyone holding her right away because it's cold , rsv and flu season. I'm a hypochondriac already and I was verrry clear about that fact. everyone knew and already was giving me shit for it then. But once she was born shit has hit the fan with my husbands side of the family. I let people come to the hospital the day after she was born and my mother in law somehow got me to allow her to hold the baby (I was so out of it I don't know why I let her) but I figured she'd just hold her for a second and give her back.
But she didn't..she took her and was snuggling into her and I asked for her back and she ignored me. Mind you- my mom warned her before she came to the hospital that I won't like anyone holding the baby so she knew I'd be upset. She was also being controlling and trying to change her diaper when my husband was doing it and telling me my baby needed socks and all this other stuff in a passive aggressive manner. When I finally got my baby back that day she was crying from being picked up and stuff and she even said "see she wants her grandma" She basically left after that and I just lost it and bawled my eyes out. When MIL found out that I cried about it she started freaking out telling my husband "I'm sorry I made her upset but geez I only held her for 20 mins" I tried to clear the air by telling her it was ok this time and I was just hormonal. But then it got worse when we said we still don't want people holding her yet ... we said people can come over but not hold her and my MIL started crying to my husband asking him why does he get to hold her then and if she can't hold the baby then what's the point of coming over. She said my baby being born was the best day of her life after her own kids and that the family NEEDS to bond with them. I don't understand how my newborn is supposed to bond with anyone but me and my husband right now.. she barely wants to be with my husband only me. His dad (my FIL) is also upset and texted us that long story short he feels left out basically and that we should be checking in on them and asking them for advice etc..even though we send so many pictures and updates and during labor we literally kept them informed the entire time? My mil even decided to call us after we said she was just born like girl we were still in the delivery room pls wait? I now wish I did everything different but they keep acting like I'm icing them out just because I said I don't want anyone to hold her YET.
I told them that I'm having post partum depression and anxiety and I honestly just want to be left alone and that it won't last forever and they'll have so much time with my baby soon but I just want to wait. And they can't accept it and keep telling me they disagree and that this is when I should be taking their help but I really don't want or need it I have my husband with me. And I'm upset that they can't respect my boundaries and how am I supposed to trust her when she already didn't listen hours after I had my baby. This last text is how it left off and my husband and I both have no idea how to respond as we've said everything we could already. I've always been so close to them and love them and have included them in everything so I'm shocked at this outcome. Am I overreacting ?
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I hate the way the commentors type. It's so fucking condescending/infantalising/cringe.
NOR! Trust your mama instincts! YOUR baby YOUR choice! You got this hun!
if I have to read mama bear one more time I'm gonna lose it
Ah yes, I hate when my spouse has a baby and then eats salmon and mauls hikers.
YTA, can't you appreciate your spouse for all their personality traits? What's wrong with a little maulin' between
consenting adultsa bear and a nonconsenting adult anyways?I feel the same way about “hubby” it makes my skin crawl
Ugh, can I add "littles" to the list of infuriating words?
You may but also I teach and use “the littles” to talk about everyone 4th grade and below so… I will have to continue being someone who uses it. My apologies
You monster.
Honestly, though, why? It just sounds annoyingly twee to me, and I think a fair number of people besides my esteemed self.
Easiest and quickest way to refer to them for me. There is a specific word for it in the language of the country I teach but not so much a great direct translation that everyone would know. “Elementary” isn’t used as a term here and they learn British English. As an American, that means there’s another level of language barrier for me. Besides, one could argue 5th grade is still elementary but for some schools, but they aren’t a part of that group at mine. It’s divided 1-4 and 5-8, so when I speak English with my colleagues it’s the easiest way to convey which students I’m asking about.
Also I don’t really care if the way I speak is cringe or twee or whatever. I’ll use this Frankenstein bastard of a language however I damn well please
your vibes are giving me the ick
I'm convinced that every woman who uses Mama Bear unironically is several thousand dollars in debt because of an MLM.
Yep. The rich version is “boy mom”
I’m a trans man and a new annoying one they’ve started on with is FTM as an acronym for “first time mom”. Which is bothersome for me since FTM has for ages been a term for Female to Male trans people, and I’ve deadass seen people try to act like we “stole” the acronym or something
mom board acronyms are totally deranged (and i say this as a mom myself). the weirdest are the two-letter acronyms for people trying to conceive. some, like MC meaning miscarriage, are fairly straightforward, but BD can mean intercourse (not sure why they can't just say "sex" or something...i assume it's some sort of puritanical thing) or baby daddy, for example, and it just gets crazier from there.
edit to add that i hadn't seen the acronym "FTM" used for anything other htan female-to-male before, so i just googled it, and apparently on mom boards it can mean both full-time mom AND first-time mom. so confusing.
Uh, is BD supposed to stand for "bone down?" Because that's all I can think of, and that seems way worse than just saying sex!
I'm pretty sure I've seen them say it means "baby dance." Which I feel like might be worse than bone down. Like in the forums when people are talking about trying to concieve, they'll say they need to start the baby dance or BD
NO!!
oh my fucking god.
LOL if it is a puritanical thing i'm guessing it's not "bone down" but now it will be in my mind if i ever see it come up organically again.
I got super- confused a few years ago when I had my first baby and the parenting subs all seemed to be full of a disproportionate amount of transgender parents lol. Then I realized how it was being used.
I remember seeing that one on a few pregnancy subreddits when I was pregnant with my first in 2015/2016 and being surprised at how many pregnant trans men there were in the group. Took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out they meant first time mom, lol.
I want to die anytime anyone who isn't my son calls me mama or mom.
I have a friend who calls all women "mama". Even me. I have no children.
You're missing out with Hispanic friends then. When a Puerto Rican turns around and calls you by yelling 'hey mami!' it feels like love. 🥰
I was SO weirded out when I first moved to a heavily Hispanic city. It took my Midwestern White ass a long time to accept Mami. Still iffy on Papi.
There was one the other day where so many commentors started out by calling the girl "honey". I get that the girl was 16, but that type of shit annoyed me so much at that age that I would probably disregard their advice just to spite them.
Eugh, sweetie and darling too. There was this weird Reddit craze a few years ago where everyone seemed to cosplay as Southern Belles and every commentor had to explain that they an Aunt who said "bless your heart" as an insult. It pops up again every now and then.
How about not suggesting that to the woman who has fully admitted to suffering from hypochondria and dealing with post partum depression/anxiety! I mean, what the holy fuck? Don't suggest something that would send this woman down a rabbit hole and possibly cause her to have a nervous breakdown?
I mean, sure, this story is fictional, however, the commenters over there presumably believe it. That's kind of the last piece of advice they should be giving in this case.
I mean, not surprised that AIO comments are mostly unhinged as usual, but WTF???
Someone told her to "just link articles about babies getting sick and dying" in the group chat, every single time she's asked. Um...that's not a healthy idea for a woman who has admitted to suffering from hypochondria and post partum anxiety/depression? Holy shit.
I saw this post yesterday in the AIO reacting sub, and most of the comments are deranged. The OP literally says she has mental health issues, and says she is a hypochondriac with post partum anxiety/depression. Yet the majority of comments are encouraging her to keep reinforcing her mental illness by isolating? Like what the -? Why on earth is that going to be good for anyone?
Yeah, that's the problem with posting serious stuff on reddit, you gonna get the classic advice along the lines of "Your boundaries are the most important thing in the world, stand your ground, change nothing, go contact with everyone, burn all the bridges!!!" no matter what your post is about: a shitty secret santa gift or serious mental concern that also involves a newborn.
You've hit the nail on the head. 99.9% of comments are exactly that, people telling the OP to isolate her baby, go no contact, or divorce the husband for not "standing up" more 😂😭 Post partum mental health issues can spiral extremely quickly and be very serious, because they're all exacerbated by the hormone flucuations you get post partum. So Reddit's stereotypical advice is only going to add fuel to the fire for OP. She's just going to be left feeling like her anxiety has been validated.
I had a conflict with my husband because his parents wouldn't get covid and flu and tdap vaccines when our son was born. I was told by Reddit I should have divorced him. Yes, let me leave my husband during the postpartum period after my C section because we had a single disagreement.
So did you?
(Kidding. That’s stupid. And it’s not like he and his parents are a single conglomerated being.)
Divorce is silly but I hope you didn't let his parents come see the newborn unvaccinated
In my opinion if you’re dumb enough to post stories about your personal complicated family and relationship dynamics then you kinda deserve it
There's someone who posts on r/comics about living alone in a very "I don't need social contact" way, and to me it comes across as incredibly self destructive or a cry for help. But the vast majority of comments are encouraging the behaviour, it's just sad to see. It might be that the OP is playing a character, but the comments don't see it as a comedy.
Like, who sees this as admirable https://www.reddit.com/r/comics/comments/1p2636d/kimi_gets_drunk_on_box_wine_kimi_lives_alone/
She looks like she’s in a sexy French depression
Tbf grandma and grandpa can wait 8 weeks and she can get some ERP therapy after she goes back to work. You don’t overcome OCD by forcing yourself to do whatever your parents want. ERP is guided not just “yeah just stop listening to your obsessions and compulsions RIGHT NOW.”
But please, call me an enabler. I crave absurd claims being lobbed at me over limited information that’s been misinterpreted to hell and back.
Postpartum anxiety and OCD are different illnesses, and respond better to different treatments 😊 The OOP needs better, and more structured, support than she was getting in the comments. She needs a professional to address her concerns, and my personal view is that this was not something she should have had Reddit weighing into. I believe she needs more than Reddit can offer. People in the comments should have told her this, and gently urged her to seek professional help. Only a trained mental health professional should be trying any therapies.
I’m convinced it’s all grandparents in the comments cuz it’s very “you’ll rue the day” and no one’s like “yes, focusing on the health of the baby and mother is paramount” lol
All of the top comments were encouraging the mum to isolate?
A lot of new mothers do that across a range of different cultures - it’s known as confinement.
wth I’m getting downvoted for stating a fact - ok
Yeah again… sensitive subject for this sub it appears lmao. Shouldn’t it be a mother’s choice?
Of course it’s the mother’s choice. The mother can choose to wait until the baby is three years old to introduce them to her family if she wants to. She could never let her parents meet her baby if she wants to. That doesn’t mean it’s a good choice. I think 8 weeks is a long time for grandparents to have to wait to meet their grandchild.
Also the “confinement” the other commenter mentioned doesn’t mean nobody comes over and meets the baby. It just means the mom doesn’t leave the house. Relatives come over to help and bring stuff.
Not a good choice for who though? 8 weeks genuinely is not a long time, all vaccinations are done and settled by then and the baby has a more robust immune system. And there is truly nothing wrong with a mother selfishly soaking up every single second of those 8 weeks before having to go back to work.
I am almost at my due date and have 13 months of maternity leave (Australian here) so I know I have plenty of time to enjoy the infant phase. It’d be different if I only had 8 weeks.
Unless Australia is very different than the US, at eight weeks your baby will only have one round of shots. They’ll still be vulnerable to sickness. There’s no way to truly protect your baby from getting sick. Ask people to wear masks and practice hygiene and you’ll be fine.
Trust me, 8 weeks is a long time. You can soak up time with your baby and still allow their grandmother to come by and visit sometimes. You can do whatever you want but I think it’s ridiculous overkill to wait so long to let people meet your baby. I do think people who make that choice will regret it.
Did you read this post even? Because she said mil could come help but refuses, probably cuz she wants to kiss all on the baby’s face or take pics for Facebook. If she had genuine concern for the baby, wouldn’t mil be doing everything she can to help?
I know several people who got newborn herpes from their grandparents violating the same boundaries that OP mentions. Not to mention it’s a horrible flu, rsv, covid, and noro season.
You know several people who got neonatal herpes? Because it’s pretty rare.
Don’t get me wrong I asked people not to kiss my baby when he was really young but I think people on reddit totally overdue it. Like calm down and let their grandma see them. They create a lot of drama and isolate their village at a time when they should be focusing on their kid and bulging their community.
Comments here in this thread were not skewing that way lol
I saw plenty of comments backing the Mom so I’m not sure where you’ve got that from about nobody being on the Mons side.
Whoa momma why doesn't Johnny Bravo just let his parents see the baby.
Seriously, who talks like this.
Heather Thompson from Real Housewives of New York, and no one else
THANK YOU! that's all I could hear in my head. HOLLAAAAA!
The comments on this post bothered me a lot when I saw it yesterday. In her own words the OP says she is struggling with her mental health, and says she is a hypochondriac and believes she has severe post partum anxiety. Yet everyone in the comments completely glosses over that fact, and encourages her to keep isolating and saying that if she doesn't isolate she'll risk her baby getting RSV/flu/covid/whooping cough etc; all massively triggering things for someone suffering with mental illness. This bothers me massively as not a single one of the top comments mentions her mental health, not a single one is saying her anxiety and distress aren't normal and needs addressing. They're all just reinforcing it for her, which anyone who has ever suffered with any form of anxiety will tell you that reinforcement is the WORST thing you can do. It just feeds the anxiety and makes it worse. She needs actual professional help so she can enjoy motherhood, not comments essentially telling her she's right to feel this anxious because disease will be everywhere, it's so unfair to her.
For real, it is not normal or healthy to have panic attacks and cry when someone close to you holds the baby
I think the comments are missing the middle ground. From what I gathered in the original post some family members wouldn't give her baby back right after birth even when she was distressed. That is not the time to practice accepting discomfort and they were creating an environment of distrust. Also they were kissing the baby not just holding it, that is such a no go for so many parents because herpes and other diseases spread that way and even kissing on skin instead of a mucous membrane can spread those diseases if there is damage to the skin.
Also it is flu, COVID and RSV season right now and a newborn that catches those is going to go to the hospital. She needs professional help but she shouldn't have to practice what is essentially flooding and feeling like all of her boundaries are broken because it makes other people feel better. She needs to work on herself but her husband wasn't establishing any boundaries with his mom. No one in this situation was completely in the right or the wrong.
I agree with this take. I think it would be better for commenters to nudge this person towards sensible precautions (wash hands, mask, don’t come over if sick) vs not holding the baby for 8 weeks. My brother was ridiculously COVID-cautious but he still let me hold my niece while wearing a mask, and of course I was willing to do it.
(The ridiculously COVID cautious thing came into play more as the baby got older and vaccinated and they maintained isolation as if it were spring 2020)
First child syndrome is real.
Baby 1: You dropped your pacifier on the floor! I will boil it for the approved five minutes so you, my precious child, darling and light of my eyes, do not die of a floor-born infection.
Baby 2: You dropped your pacifier on the floor! Let me quick rinse it off for you.
Baby 3: You dropped your pacifier on the floor! I'll pop it back in.
Baby 4: You dropped your pacifier on the floor! Let me rub it on the ground a bit so it has more flavor.
I think you're 100% correct here, especially considering the awful strain of flu that's going around at the moment.
I just reread it, and she doesn't say they kissed her baby. She says in the post that they snuggled her, and in a comment she says she doesn't trust them not to kiss her, but that's her own personal opinion. Which is likely an opinion formed mostly by her anxiety, but she doesn't say anywhere that they already have kissed her baby. Kissing newborns is always a hard no, so I would be with you on that one if they had.
As for a newborn catching RSV, I know all about that and more. I got a crash course last year when my own 8 week old newborn tested positive, then within 24 hours ended up on bubble CPAP in HDU. My daughter now deals with the side effects of the damage her RSV infection caused to her lungs. She was a baby that I kept wrapped in a bubble, because we'd had such a rough pregnancy to get her here. I did exactly what OP did and banned everyone under the sun from touching her, and kept her indoors. She was still covid positive at a week old. Then RSV positive at 8 weeks old. Hiding her away solved nothing, it protected her from nothing, she almost died ANYWAY, and yes my entire family is fully vaccinated (boosters and optional vaccines to boot). Isolation is not a fix all, and is not a healthy boundary to have (speaking from experience). I was so paranoid, anxious, upset and suffering in silence. My baby still almost died. That isn't a life I would want even for my worst enemy. She needs help. Reasonable precautions would be having family wash their hands, a "don't kiss the baby" rule, not having people with symptoms of illness over, and generally keeping the home clean.
Edit: Just an edit because you say that any newborn who catches one of those will end up in hospital. No, that isn't the case. The vast majority will not end up as an inpatient. My own daughter's doctors were very clear with me, when I began to spiral, into explaining to me that my daughter was one of an unlucky few. This is not a universal experience, and most parents will thankfully never have the story we do. The vast majority of babies and children will recover without hospital intervention. My same daughter, who was extremely poorly from RSV, was also suspected to be covid positive from birth (I gave birth covid positive), and tested positive at a week old (newborn swab taken on the L&D ward, results took a while). She did not need any interventions for covid-19. It isn't a guarantee.
I should have said potentially going to the hospital. My bad that did come off as dramatic. And I may have conflated snuggling and kissing because in my mind snuggling a baby is when you put your face very close to theirs and I read the post yesterday.
I'm sorry you went through that experience, it is absolutely a tough one.
And I agree I'm not condoning her isolating, but a more measured approach would be appropriate. What happened to the original poster with her mother in law is a practice called "flooding" in which you take a phobia you have and you have to sit with it until you return to a state of calm. It's supposed to be done in controlled environments ideally, with a therapist to help someone practice calming techniques. If it is done incorrectly it actually reinforces the phobia which happened here. It also isn't appropriate to do immediately after a traumatic event, for example giving birth, or to someone that doesn't already have some coping skills to rely on.
OP needs to learn to lose some of her control over the situation but the mother in law was doing everything that would make OP fight to take control back. OP was vulnerable and not able to communicate well when the MIL pressured her to hold the baby in the first place which violated her sense of security and trust in MIL. And OP is working on setting boundaries she feels comfortable with like visiting but not holding the baby yet. Ultimately no one is entitled to hold a baby and saying something like "I want to be able to hold my grandchild. What can I do to help you feel comfortable with that," goes so much farther than guilt tripping. Or even setting her own boundaries would be better, "I accept that you won't let me hold my grandchild, but don't expect me to help you with dishes and I'll only be communicating with my son for now."
I'm not trying to say OP is 100% in the right. She should try to get into therapy and work to connect with her support system. But she's starting to go through a mental health crisis and flooding her when she doesn't already have coping techniques is going to make her phobia worse. Systematic desensitization would probably work better. Like MIL can help and use her washed hand to hold the baby's finger or stroke her forehead while the baby is in her bassinet. And then maybe while OP is holding baby MIL can sit next to her and baby talk. Then MIL moves to holding the baby on a pillow in her lap, and eventually she can cuddle the baby as she pleases.
Someone even suggested that she should send articles about babies who got sick and died to the family members, every single time they beg. That isn't a healthy suggestion at all and would just make this woman's anxiety so much worse. She'd definitely go down the rabbit hole of reading the articles and feel even worse.
I commented things like this on the original post and got downvoted to shit
Jesus, karma farm much
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Not necessarily. The poster talks about their mother in law being the problem. The tester calls mil ‘momma’. So, could be OP’s spouse responding to his mother in a group text op is also part of.
The husband appears to be on OP’s side, per OP’s telling, just without adequate skills re holding boundaries with his parents.
the text is op's husband talking to mil
AIO as unhinged as usual with their comments and of course the mother in law and father in law wanting to hold the baby is manipulating according to the Redditors.
Cause no one can just be upset about something without it being manipulation.
Gonna guess outside of being pregnant and having the baby the rest of the story is made up for Reddit karma.
Grandparents are so funny like “only grandparents in the country who can’t see their grandchildren” would be a flair if it wasn’t that long
Right that part was so extra lol, reminds me of my own mother who acts like she got shot if she’s deprived of any access to her children she may want
Back in the olden days women used to have a lying-in period where it was just them, the baby, an experienced female friend or relative, and she didn’t leave her room basically. The speed of news and travel meant that no one came to see for a good month or two anyway, and yet grandparents still managed to bond.
The idea that everyone is owed access to everyone else, all the time, is one of the worst societal developments in a long time.
This is still a thing across many many cultures - it’s called confinement. In Australia obstetricians don’t refer in medical certificates to estimated due date they refer to estimated date of confinement.
Really normal thing even now in Asia! I’m 100% planning to do confinement when I give birth. There are even centres you can go to where it’s just mum, dad and baby, and over the first month or so (however long you choose to stay) you not only get given the best care for recovery, they also give you hands on parenting classes to help you ease into your new life as parents.
That female relative is usually the mom's mom... So grandma
Eh. Sometimes gramma died ages ago and it’s an aunt or your married bestie.
It was almost never your MIL.
Thank you!!! Idk why we are all acting like grandparents NEED to see them right away. How else will they post on Facebook about their new gift???
It's also treating the baby like they're some exhibit commodity, a special display at a zoo or something. No, you're not owed special access to a baby 24/7, you're not their parent.
Yeah like immediate access and immediately proclaiming the baby is here for all of social media is a relatively new concept.
They do later wonder why they havent got a 'village' though.
i totally wouldn't want the antivaxx mil in my village
Yeah, like why would they want someone who claims my birth was the most important thing to ever happen to them?? That’s so weird. And the grandma is obviously being hyperbolic like “oooooh I’m the only grandparent in the world who can’t see my baby :,(“. Maybe she should look inward then if that’s true. Why don’t they want you around the baby?
Both my kids were the only pre-teens without cell phones in the entire history of time! So were their friends! It’s amazing how MIL has the same energy as a 12 year old whining.
Genuinely like someone who has never experienced any hardship
To be fair, not all parents are worth keeping around. My mom is an emotionally abusive liar. I cut her out a decade ago and haven’t looked back. My wife’s parents are my parents now too.
First time parents AND first time grandparents are mad annoying. Everyone in this post sucks except the baby.
A lot of the comments here are just as disappointing as the comments over there. Why is no one questioning why mil doesn’t want to come over to help? A lot of people seem to not have read the full post in which oop said people are allowed to come over they just can’t hold the baby. In response to that mil said why come over if not to hold the baby. A lot of y’all and society in general seem to only care about the newborn vs the health and care for the person who just gave birth.
I commented this on the original post and I’ll comment it here too- If you really want to help and care for the newborn, help to take care of the people who just brought the baby in the world. Offer to do chores or bring over food. Only wanting to come over to hold the baby shows an extreme lack of care for the person you claim to love. People are commenting “Oh, you won’t have a village” they don’t have a village now if people only want to hold the baby.
Antivax MIL, I wouldn't want that bitch either.
Yup yup. I also commented on it cause I had a baby peak covid and this bothered ts out of me. I let people hold my.baby, my rule was no kissing or touching her face/washing hands. And people still broke that and didnt check on me. I dont blame op at all.
Yeah I am going to have an argument with my grandmother in law over kissing the baby on the face almost guaranteed. My rule is you can kiss them on a clothed tummy or leg/arm and give them raspberries. You can't kiss them on their hands, feet or face or any exposed skin. I'm also expecting my baby to have skin issues like eczema so I don't want someone to get unlucky and kiss the start of an outbreak and infect them. Neither my husband or I have either HSV although we know some of our family members do have it so honestly we don't want our baby to get it or to get it from him when he does catch it, and we have at least two relatives we don't trust to be vaccinated. And I'm going to be watching my dad like a hawk to wash his hands because his dog plays with puppies and outside all the time.
Also personally I think it's gross to kiss children on the mouth if you aren't their parent, and low key I think it's gross for parents too but that's more of a personal decision. It's a hill I'm on alone but I will die on it.
I hear so many stories from people that didn't put their baby first over relative's comfort. My husband was hospitalized at less than a month old, my friend's baby went to the NICU, a coworker's kid has cold sores. Just because people felt entitled to holding a baby.
Exactly, like this has nothing to do with the OP and everything to do with this mil wanting control and to brag about “her new baby”.
Yeah, I was getting the impression that MIL had no intention of coming over to help—she wants to come over and be hosted. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP posts again in a few days “AIO for telling my MIL to get out of my house after she complained that I didn’t clean the house spotless, didn’t serve her drinks and appetizers on a platter, and didn’t give up the comfy seat for her at my own house, despite me having just pushed a human out of my body?”
If she has so many mental issues, maybe her mother should be more focused on getting her daughter help than seeing her grandchild? Like, what are these comments?
NTA. Nope not worth it.
We made the mistake of letting “grammie” brow beat us until we gave in on early visitation with our first
Well guess what? He got sick and we had to spend a week in the icu while they monitored his fever.
You know what happens when your infant is sick and they can’t identify why with the blood culture or viral screening? They do a spinal tap to check for meningitis.
Grammie can wait.
Not commenters here defending giving babies herpes from kisses or letting an antivax lunatic hold them 💀
Yeah this thread is cringe. The mom is waiting a very normal amount of time for visitors
I answered the question as YOR and got not only attacked but then stalked through dms
owch
My boomer take is, I hate this attitide of refusing to participate in society and calling it "setting boundaries".
Nobody is refusing to participate in society. It's 8 weeks, that's not that long. The grandparents can wait
The change from newborn to eight weeks is huge. Each to their own but I can't imagine denying loving family members the opportunity to see the new addition for that length of time. Its something that you can never get back
Did you read the post? They aren’t denying people from seeing the baby. She doesn’t want people to hold the baby yet. People can still come over. Additionally, when mil did hold the baby right after delivery she wouldn’t give the baby back to oop when asked.
I genuinely don’t think anyone did read it lmao
Not holding a newborn will not harm your life. It's quite fine to come over and no touch. Babies aren't cats up for adoption at the humane society.
Not wanting to expose a newborn to unnecessary risks is hardly refusing to participate in society.
yeah it's out of touch and not based in fact, why do you think its their boomer take /s
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The problem is that elderly lady always seems to want to kiss the baby. Get your herp away from my baby ma’am. And the adorable little cousin who wants to sneeze on baby’s head.
It’s a short time to make sure your daily germs don’t murder a very immature member of society. Get over your ego.
Yeah newborn herpes is enough alone for me to stand by OP.
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You mean you don’t like people doing what they want to do because you were forced to do things you don’t want to do and so you think everyone else should be forced to as well.
Here's the thing. Grandparents aren't owed access to their grandchildren. 8 weeks is NOT that long and parents are allowed to set whatever boundaries they want. They decided they didn't want outsiders around their infant until they were 8 weeks old. That's not that long of a time and grandma here is acting like that means they'll never get to see the kid. Maybe the parents are being too protective, maybe they aren't, but that's still their choice to make. Y'all here acting like it's so absurd to not want to expose a baby to excess germs or like somehow OOP is being ridiculous for setting a boundary. It's obvious some of you, not only don't have kids, but also have never dealt with an overbearing parent or in-law
Seriously. If it was a case of “you can come visit, but please don’t kiss the baby, wash your hands, and don’t plan to stay long or ask me to wake the baby up” and it would be respected, 3/4 of the “nope, not at all” people wouldn’t need to draw that line. It’s when you know they’re gonna do shit like sneak them solids or kiss them with a cold sore the second your back is turned that you throw your hands up and enact a blanket ban.
Yes but, nobody can meet the baby until it's 8 weeks?
And then all of a sudden the baby is in daycare for 10 hours a day with a whole bunch of germy strangers at 8 weeks? ( I don't know that it's 10 hours a day, I'm making that up.)
Just pointing out the bizarre thinking. In my own opinion people (who in my experience only exist on reddit, so, not my problem and possibly not actually real) who shut themselves in with a new baby and use the situation to control their other family members, and then promptly put it in childcare at such a young age, are being completely bizarre.
So while you're right, it's actually ridiculous. OOP has problems and it's not "we don't want the baby to get sick".
I find this kind of thing utterly baffling. It just makes no sense.
Did you read the post? people are allowed to come over to see the baby. oop just doesn’t want people to hold the baby yet
baby won't be in daycare as op will be sahm while dad goes back to work
Oh OK, ta.
I'm still baffled as to why OOP wants to be like that, but at least there's not a complete logical disconnect, just 95% or so.
There’s no logical disconnect. “Don’t cough on my baby until they have a rudimentary immune system based on medical advice” is not some left field bs.
Because it takes about two months for babies to develop their basic immune system outside the womb.
Lmao the comments
NTA as a father to a 3 month old little girl I'd totally agree with her mom. I'd literally tell her to tell her parents to go eff themselves. Our children are not their children. We're the parents and what we say goes. My daughter's mother made her father and father's fiance wait like 6 weeks, and I totally backed her. I don't want my newborn around a bunch of different people that young either.
The whole “nobody can breathe near my baby until they’re at least six months old” thing seems so unhinged. I get it, nobody wants a sick newborn, but also people have been passing babies around to random relatives as long as there have been babies. We’re a resilient species.
I also wonder if this woman is going to be complaining about how the grandparents never want to babysit in a couple years.
I wonder if this is a terminally online thing, because I've never seen it IRL. As soon as we're all able to walk around and move we're passing our babies around in my circle. Between school events for older kids, playdates, needing to go to the library etc.... I don't really see how it's feasible.
Yes! Reddit acts like letting anyone near your child until they are 2 or 4 or 6 or 12 months old is basically child abuse but I have never ever encountered anyone in real life who does this. I always wonder how these Reddit people expect this to work if it’s not your first kid. And the thing is I’ve never actually known an infant that died from getting a disease from meeting their grand parents. And I’m as pro-vaccine as they come. I’m not saying to take no precautions but Reddits attitude towards this seems way over the top.
Hard agree. I understand the amount of anti vaxxers is concerning, but ultimately, my oldest is in public school. If any illnesses enter my house I know exactly where they came from and there's not really anything I can do about it. I say this as a pro science mom of very soon to be 3 kids.
I suspect it’s 100% a terminally online thing. And like a lot of parenting alarmism, it sticks because nobody wants to sound like the person who doesn’t care about their kid’s safety and welfare.
The real harm is to people who tend toward anxiety to start with, who now have thousands of internet strangers validating their fears.
Honestly, I have noticed a definite shift towards almost germophobic behavior online (never noticed it off line).
The shoes in the house debate ('oh no, the rug might have germs on it!!!! We will get sick!' is what a lot of complaints about that boil down to), Cats on the counter (oh no, we might get sick from pet fur and they step in the litter box!' as if cleaning products don't exist and you can't clean counters), and babies not being allowed to see anyone until they are entering school (yes and exaggeration :P but again, boils down to 'oh no, people might have germs and the baby will get sick')
Like, yes, some things can cause illness, and you can take precautions and you can pretty much do what you want in your own house/with your own baby. But, if you believed people online, you would think that stepping outside your own house, which must be hermetically sealed and cleaner than clean rooms (the type that they make circuits in) is a risk for instant death at times.
Your last sentence is also so true. Because yeah, people who already have anxieties will just have their fears validated. That is why I don't read about sick cats and the like, because my anxieties focus around that, and I don't need to be hyper focused on my cats going 'are they breathing too fast?' 'Is that a sniffle? Why are their eyes closed?'
Agree! It's not that letting other people hold your baby is somehow risk free. It's that isolating yourself and your baby causes a host of other problems. Taking precautions is good! Shutting out people who want to help is less good.
(Interestingly, op apparently didn't say in the post but said in the COMMENTS that MIL is antivaxx, a claim that entirely changes the whole situation. It's for this reason that I'm reasonably certain it's ragebait -- how better to get internet people to fight than making sure they don't all have the same information?)
Yeah, I just assume that the majority of these posts are fake, but it is telling that they would hide extremely pertinant information in the comments, rather than bring it up as yet another reason (completely valid reason!) to not want MIL to hold the baby.
And yeah, you can isolate the baby, but I remember what my mother said about silence around babies.
At one time, people were trying to make everything absolutely silent around babies so they could sleep and wouldn't get woken up. This resulted in a lot of kids who couldn't sleep unless they were in completely silent rooms. Which... is nearly impossible.
So, it was then advised to go about your normal day. Don't try to isolate the child from any noise, because it can backfire later on in life.
This is somewhat the same situation. Take precautions. Absolutely take precautions, because babies ARE vulnerable to a lot of things. BUT, also realize going too far can be detrimental to the baby as well.
Agreed. I’m not saying to hand your premature infant to every random stranger with a cough and snotty nose, but a little balance would be nice.
I know this sounds callous, but part of how our immune systems are supposed to work is you get sick, you get better, your body’s defenses improve. And yes, there are people with compromised immune systems or other reasons casual exposure isn’t safe for them, but it’s a much smaller slice of the population than the internet would have you believe.
Exactly this.
Plus, there are so many diseases that children (not necessarily an infant) can shrug off (yes, they get sick, yes they are miserable, yes there can be complications that cause them to be so much worse) that are so much worse as an adult.
Newborns also do have immune systems. And they get antibodies from mom that last the first months. If mom breastfeeds, there's also antibodies through breastmilk. There's the TDAP and RSV vaccines during pregnancy as well.
theres also been lots of babies getting random easy-to-handle-for-adults diseases and dying through history so…
And the amazing thing is, now we have antibiotics and hospitals and basic sanitation! Isn’t it wonderful?
There is no such thing as a risk-free life.
Or we could just avoid having to use resources and a hospital trip, period.
Nobody is owed holding a newborn, least of all with antivax grandma.
I’m curious, what do you think the chances are that a baby held by a grandparent is going to need hospitalization? One in a million, maybe? One in a hundred thousand? I have no idea, but it strikes me as being a risk on the level of “petting a dog” or “getting into a car.” As in, theoretically something bad could happen but that is in fact part of life.
I didn’t know the grandma was antivax and that does change things a little. But just to give a little more background on where I’m coming from, I do naturally tend to anxiety and the way I manage it is by doing math and realizing I am not, in fact, likely to be that one in a million. I understand that doesn’t work for everyone but it keeps me from spiraling.
Correct. OP weighed the risks and made a parenting decision. Just because you would take a risk doesn't mean that's everyone's "line in the sand"
It’s sad that people think of letting a grandparent meet the new baby as a risk instead of, like, a normal thing people do, but to each their own.
OP sounds like she has postpartum anxiety and should probably stay off the internet.
The MIL is antivax COVID denier.
It's too bad. Oh well. Grand parents have to get used to not being the one making decisions for children
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Isolating yourself during postpartum will only make your mental health worse. Isolation helps nothing. Coming from a young mom with a 2 year old who also went theough a mental health crisis after having a baby. I know it can be hard but allowing others to see you and your baby will help form bonds with the community you have and allow you to get the support you need. No mental health professional would ever/should ever tell you to isolate. Sometimes it's good to get out of your comfort zone and allow others in so that they can be there for you. If I were you I would let them come over to see the baby. I know that no one is entitled to your child, but if they are a trusted person and have good intentions for both you and the baby then trust that and move forward. Postpartum is a very difficult time, you need community and all the help you can get. If you don't allow it now then it may impact that relationship in the future in a negative way rather than having the village that every mom needs. We were built to be villages, but you have to be a villager in order to be a part of the village. I hope this helps and that you're able to allow good relationships and the community you need to flourish.
She is overreacting though.
If you gave birth in a hospital your baby was more likely to get sick there than from a cuddle with grandma
No and no. Babies are very susceptible to illness. Even healthy babies shouldn't be exposed more often than necessary. It's 8 weeks, grandparents can wait.
IDK why you're being downvoted. this is extremely common knowledge.
Yes, this is why hospitals are the worst place for babies...the grandparents are just two people who actually have reason to see the child. The average hospital is full of sick and contagious people.
They’re unvaccinated. All three or four of the nurses in the nicu or birthing ward they interacted with likely were. Hope this helps :)