Throwaway because my ka is already exhausted and I don’t need more people trying to summon me on Ouija boards.
I (4,500+ something, M, formerly King of Upper & Lower Egypt, current full-time corpse) spent my entire adult life micromanaging the construction of what are now called “the pyramids of Giza.” I personally approved every single block placement, yelled at architects when the casing stones weren’t perfectly level, and once had a guy whipped because he tried to shortcut the ramp system with “vibes.” We moved 2.3 million blocks using nothing fancier than copper tools, ropes, sleds, and the tears of lazy foremen. It took 20 years and roughly 20,000 people who were mostly well-fed, housed, and buried with honors when they died on the job. It was a flex. A massive, limestone flex.
Fast forward several thousand years and apparently the only explanation the modern world can accept is that short gray guys with big heads and zero melanin showed up with anti-gravity tech and decided to do my state funeral monument as a side quest. They keep saying “the math doesn’t add up” and “the stones are too heavy” and “the Egyptians didn’t have the technology.” Brother. I had the technology. It was called “a lot of dudes with strong backs and even stronger beer incentives.”
Every time a new “Ancient Aliens” episode drops I feel my wrappings tighten in rage. I’ve seen people on YouTube seriously argue that my people were too stupid to stack rocks in a triangle shape without extraterrestrial PowerPoint presentations. I’m literally the guy who commissioned the thing and even I’m offended on behalf of my entire civilization.
So last week I finally snapped. Some influencer posted a 47-second reel saying “the pyramids are mathematically impossible without alien intervention 😱” and I astral-projected into the comments and left a novella that started with “Listen here you TikTok-brained son of a jackal” and ended with detailed instructions on how we actually moved the stones (hint: wet sand + sleds + people power = physics, not little green men).
Now half the internet is calling me “that unhinged Egyptian mummy account” and telling me I need to “touch grass” (which is rich coming from people who think I needed UFOs to build my own house). My high priest is begging me to log off before I start a holy war over a comment section.
AITA for being this salty about the alien thing? Or should I just let the conspiracy people have their fun and accept that my legacy is now apparently the galaxy’s most elaborate prank on future archaeologists?
YTA
Don’t you understand that not everyone has the privilege of being there for history being made and you’re being insensitive and, frankly problematic, for not taking into account other corpses who weren’t able to be kings?
Be better. Be like Ramses.
YTA for that take? Nah, YOU’RE the one being classist toward dead labor.
Not every corpse got to be a king, true, but every corpse who hauled stone for my pyramid got a decent burial, beer rations, and their name on a stela if they died on the job. That’s more than most modern influencers can say about their interns.
Ramses? Please. That guy built so many temples he basically invented ancient Egyptian timeshare. I’m over here trying to defend actual engineering and you’re telling me to be more like the dude who commissioned 200 statues of himself to compensate for… something.
Stay in your lane, living person. The only thing insensitive here is your attempt at moral grandstanding from a timeline that still thinks “pyramid” means “IKEA furniture for pharaohs.”
You got me, I was wrong. Sorry pharaoh man
Apology accepted, mortal.
Now go forth and tell the algorithm that the pyramids were built by people, not plot devices. Your soul gets a +1 karma point and I won’t curse your phone to only play “Cotton Eye Joe” on shuffle.
We’re good.
okayyy honestly you’re right, i got way too wrapped up in my mummy rage and forgot like… there’s a whole pyramid of other poor corpses out here just vibing too lol, i’ll try to chill before i start another astral-comment war
YTA you're lying.
two months ago I (5000 earth years but I have been in stasis for a lot of it due to my job and have experienced 37 years subjectively, T) found you shitposting. But here I am a marketing executive as part of the galactic federation. I was there for the pyramids and I can tell you now it was an advertisement for phlorlax extra strong. It went viral and caused at 0.5% revenue increase which when you sell to several hundred planets is a huge ROI.
Just imagine, we pranked an early civilisation. It was genius. I won awards for it. Maybe we used a bit of manipulation to make you think it was your idea but you haven't seen the best bit, how many dudes did you really have? Where did that idea come from really? We left an ancient stone that translates your language with slight alterations to implant certain ideas. When you finally contact us you'll all instantly know phlorlax is the best beverage in the galaxy. It may have some unexpected consequences in terms of your social development but you know how it is. The shareholders will rejoice and I will win the award again.
Loser.
Oh wow, a 5000-year-old galactic marketing bro flexing his “stasis job” and ROI percentages. Truly the pinnacle of interstellar douchebaggery.
So you’re telling me the entire pyramid project was a 4,500-year soft launch for… Phlorlax Extra Strong? That’s the best you’ve got? A pyramid scheme for pyramid-shaped pyramid advertising?
Bold of you to assume I’d believe a word from someone whose greatest achievement is tricking a Bronze Age king into building a 2.3-million-block billboard because your shareholders were having a slow quarter.
Newsflash, space intern: we didn’t need your subliminal stone memes. We had beer, whips, and a pharaoh who could make grown men cry over a 0.2° slope. That’s the real viral marketing.
Keep your awards. I’ll keep the actual wonder of the world.
And if I ever see you in the afterlife, I’m telling Anubis you tried to sell him “Phlorlax: Now With Extra Void.”
Loser.🖕
NTA, i think to get back at them, you should actually pre-approve a new Pyramid and start building one right now and show them, PROVE it to them that it was NOT aliens. You know timtonkers make up stuff without evidence. Were they there when the pyramids were built!???!!! No they weren't! you were !!!
NTA, and honestly? Tempting.
I’d love nothing more than to slap a fresh pyramid on the Giza plateau, livestream the whole thing with nothing but copper chisels, wet sand, and 20,000 very motivated union workers, then caption the final time-lapse:
“See? No tractor beams, no little green interns. Just vibes, beer, and math. Your move, TikTok.”
Unfortunately, UNESCO, the Egyptian government, and my 4,500-year-old warranty on eternal rest would have opinions.
But the fantasy is beautiful. Thank you for the solidarity, living mortal. You get it.
YTA Instead of leaving comments, you should curse the tiktokers, the world would become a better place.
YTA? Nah, YOU’RE the one suggesting I violate my union contract with the gods.
Cursing TikTokers would require paperwork, incense, and at least three days of ritual fasting. I’m retired, bro. My current curse budget is reserved for people who mispronounce “Khufu.”
Besides, why curse them when I can just keep ratioing them with actual archaeology until their comment sections look like a ghost town? Way more efficient.
Stay cursed, stay classy.
Are your priests blowing up with all the messages received? Something or someone has to be blowing up in these stories. Anyways, don't let your boundaries be gaslit, YWBTA if you don't go back to your eternal rest now, young man.
Nah, my priests are fine, turns out eternal rest includes a very effective “Do Not Disturb” spell from 2500 BCE.
But thanks for the concern, random living person who thinks they get to tell a literal god-king when to clock out.
I’ll go back to napping in my stone penthouse when I’m good and ready. Until then, keep your unsolicited retirement advice. I’ve got comments to ratio and a legacy to defend.
Sweet dreams, mortal. Don’t let the aliens gaslight you into buying Phlorlax.
Prove that they didn't
Okay, burden of proof reversed: prove my 20,000 workers didn’t exist, the quarry marks aren’t in hieroglyphs with worker gang names like “Friends of Khufu,” the ramps weren’t found, the beer vats aren’t still there, and the papyrus logbook of stone deliveries isn’t literally in a museum.
I’ll wait while you find one single piece of evidence that says “Property of Zeta Reticuli - do not touch unless you have clearance from the mothership.”
Your move, skeptic.
So you had 20 executives who controlled 200 managers for 20000 workers? Sounds like a pyramid scheme.
“Pyramid scheme?”
Bold of you to call the literal origin of the word “pyramid” a scheme when it’s just… organizational structure with extra steps and limestone.
We called it “government.” You call it “middle management.” Same difference, just ours lasted 4,500 years without a single HR complaint.
Enjoy your 9-to-5, commenter. I’ll be over here, still standing tall.
Sure. Call it multi level marketing. Whatever helps you slumber for 500 years.
Sure, call it MLM if it makes you feel better about your soul-crushing 401(k).
At least my “downline” got eternal life insurance, decent burials, and didn’t have to buy essential oils from their upline.
Sleep tight, pyramid skeptic. Some of us actually built something that lasts.
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