I tried to explain that she is not the Chancellor of the Exchequer but that didn’t help. She got even angrier and stormed out of the caravan shouting like a ruddy lunatic - I live in a static home - leaving me alone with the tax inspectresses on the verge of a panic attack. Luckily my fat envelope assistant showed up and sorted it but now she’s disappeared and I’m sitting on the veranda with a pint and arguably the best newspaper in the world wondering what to do.
tl;dr girlfriend’s left me. I don’t know what to do we have it off all the time.
Edit: this was meant to be in r/relationshipadvice
Edit 2: I know I’ve gone and got her ruddy age wrong
Take her round to your friend Bono’s house
Offer to take her to Long Stanton Spice Museum that'll get her back.
I don’t want to set future expectations too high
Susan, can you make pornography come on my television?
That’s PLAN BEEE
Oh yeah, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Actually I didn't get the t-shirt, she did.
Got the clothes off my bloody back. Fuckin' witch...
Have a deep bath, with one cap of dettol, that’s non negotiable, and relax. But don’t slip under, there are some terrible statistics about that. Whatever you do remain calm or you will end up barefoot in Dundee munching on some toblerones.
Nobody likes a crybaby either. Apart from short burst underwater crying perhaps.
Can we see you?
🧸 hello
God that’s good
Call her a fat cow and hang up.
Very good, now, just to warn you…
Does your girlfriend like U2? If so, take her round Bono’s house, and let her meander, while you provide an occasional fact about the house.
She'll turn up. One way or the other.
This isn’t Silent Witness!
Just have a Long Mars Bar ready, and I know they don't do them any more but you can engineer your own by fusing three segments of a Mars Duo together. Yes, I realise that means buying two Mars Duos, but you can have the fourth segment for yourself. Lynn, can you get on to Bill Oddie...
Did you accidentally on purpose release an unexpected but potent gust?
she wears no makeup!!
It's got some bean juice on it
Don’t worry about brushing your teeth
Just don't let them all go to the toilet at the same time, because it really is too small.
Bet you’re chuffed like mad. She wasn’t expecting that!
Let off in her face.
Golly, an alien judge.
SHE WEARS NO MAKE-UP
Needles to say, you took drugs.
And its fine to join in.