As the title states, I (F31) have been attempting to make plans with my siblings (M30&M24) for the holiday. I’ve reached out multiple times in person, via phone and text offering a plan. when we first talked about it they said it sounds good but it’s now closely approaching and they haven’t responded about when/if they’re coming.
TLDR; My siblings still haven’t told me if they’re coming for Xmas. What would you do in this situation?
"i need to know if/ when you are coming before 5pm today. i need to make final plans. if i havent heard heard from you by then i will assume you arent coming. therefore there obviously wont be any food/seats/presents for you."
then follow through. at 5pm put your phone on DND and make plans without them.
if they turn up, there is no chair for them, no extra food etc.
I would assume they’re not coming
just assume they're ghosts and plan a solo Xmas party with extra cookies for yourself
Honestly thinking of doing this. Thank you.
Give them one last chance to respond and if they dont assume they arent coming
Idk if they don’t respect me or what it is but it’s getting old
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They do this kind of thing all the time. I don’t want to have to force someone to have a relationship…
Then don't. They don't respect you or your time so stop trying to force it with these jerks.
Then stop playing along. Make plans to keep yourself occupied and entertained and ideally somewhere they can't crash once their FOMO kicks in.
They are rude and dismissive of your efforts. The fact that you are F and they are M makes this more likely but is not a rule set in stone nor should it be. Agree with giving them a message asking for either immediate confirmation or you will assume thery are not coming.
The unfortunate reality is that just because people are your siblings doesn't make them your friends or even decent people. As you get older and lead your own lives you tend to grow away from the shared experience of childhood and have less in common. This happens with friends too, you outgrow them and move on with your life. It's harder with siblings, but if you are the only one ever making the effort then it is unfair, builds resentment and feelings of being unimportant to them. If one person is making all the calls / texts/ invites and there is no spontaneous reciprocity then they are either lazy assholes and should do better, or they just don't want to put effort in themselves to maintain the relationship and you should let them go.
Many people are complacent because there is usually someone in the family who puts all the effort in while the others coast. This is you. I know because I am this person in our family and have finally decided at 58 that I have had enough. Actually, decided it at 56 but am finally giving up. Tried going radio silent , hoping they would reach out and maybe just say hi, let alone organise something, but gave up after 6 months of zero contact. Have been trying to arrange a catch up with my sister for 9 months now. Asked her in March if she would like to come for a mid-winter celebration in June. Her reply after several days left on read, was that they'd love to but were really time poor at the moment. I said that's why I was giving you three months notice! Crickets, so I let it go and celebrated with friends instead. Have had numerous other attempts since including trying a pre-Xmas meetup. Got a vague "would love to see you in the New Year because we're going away for Xmas." I said in knew that which was why I was going for pre-Christmas but the New year will be fine. Now leaving it to see if she will actually bother following up. Similar story with my older brother but managed to catch up after 6 months and in fairness he was overseas for 3 of them. The other brother doesn't even bother to respond to family WhatsApp greetings and updates.
For me now, family means those friends who make some effort to initiate and catch up rather than those I was birthed with. I probably still do more than my share but I am a born hostess and my love language is acts of service. I love entertaining and nurturing. I just like a little of it back. As my parents are dead I no longer need to push to try and keep the family dynamic alive. Some of my niece's put the effort in and know I'll always be there in an emergency and that's enough.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal insight. You picked up on a lot of the of located family dynamics. I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar position but am encouraged to hear that you’re committed to finding the people who mutually care about you, even if they’re not blood. I’ve been slowly coming to this realization but it’s still hard to let go. Chosen family is so important and I’m learning to seek out support from the people in my life who show up for me.
You are forcing them…
Go somewhere for the holidays.Mute your phone. If they show up they learn the value of an RSVP. If they don't, you still have a new experience. Maybe go away to a spa? Get pampered for Christmas?
Just be direct. "Hey bro, are you coming to Christmas at my place? I need to know so I can plan accordingly. Please let me know by tomorrow. Thanks!"
People who are interested in spending time with you make plans. If you have to chase them they don’t want to go.
Just message them and say you’re sorry they have other plans this year and you’ll see them some other time. If they try to say they will or could attend just let them know that their lack of follow through unfortunately means that your hosting is no longer an option but that you hope they have a Merry Christmas.
People treat you the way you let them.
Thank you for this hard truth…I’ve known this for a long time, haven’t wanted it to be true but am ready to accept it
Personally, I feel you have made enough of an effort. Make plans for yourselves and send them a note indicating you had not heard back so you have made other plans. Maybe plans can be made next year and have a Merry Christmas.
What would I do?
Nothing.
Let adults be responsible for their own actions.
If it’s been more than 3 times, move on with plans without them. It’s disrespectful.
I'd withdraw the invite and do something for yourself. They clearly don't want to go. Don't feel bad, I have the same issue with people and it lifted a weight when I stopped caring and started focusing on my own energy.
It sounds like they're coming, and it's up to you to tell them what time
Where did you see the “sounds like they are coming”?
They said it sounds good when they talked about it. Which is a normal thing to say?And then you plan on doing it and wait for the details
Ok— but after the good sounds— and many attempts by OP— I say forget about anything with them.
OP needs to celebrate by themselves
ugh, it sounds like my family. Everything is always planned at the last minute. I would reach out again, but next year plan to take a trip or something.
Sorry you have to deal with it too :/ I would love to do a trip instead next year
I think in your case it's the age of your brothers and they are men. They should be able to give you a straight answer. In my case - they all have kids, wives, husband. It's complicated, but that doesn't help when you have to buy a plane ticket.
Sometimes brothers just suck at that age when it comes to reliability. Don’t take it personally and try to hard it just makes yourself crazy. Keep it simple meal & deserts, then go to a movie. Maybe they’ll show up when you’re out and they’ll learn something.
Sounds like they’re waiting for a “better offer.” I’m sorry they’re doing this to you.
We have had the same issue. I tell them now that I need to know no later than X so that I can get shopping and prepping done. If they say they want to come after that, I tell them they should stop for food. I've told them that once. After that, they tell me before hand.
Then count them out if they show up they can have leftovers if they are lucky.
My sisters husband family was like this. Say they are coming /not coming last min. After 2 yrs she had enough and said you have by dec 12 to tell me. They didn’t respond so now she just does it with our family . They do his in a different day that they have to plan. So agree to give them a date time to respond and for this year tell them they need to let you my by 10 am tomorrow or you are making different plans.
Tell them that you need to know the numbers in order to have enough food/snacks/whatever. Say if you don't RSVP by 9pm tomorrow (or whatever time you choose), that you will consider that a no and will plan accordingly. It sounds like you aren't their first choice and they are waiting for a better invite. If they don't respect your time - fuck em! And don't let them come if they don't RSVP. Otherwise, nothing will change and you will be chasing them forever.
I wouldn’t bring the issue up with my siblings and make plans with other people.
You shouldn’t have to chase people down to have family time