Im a 30 year old female and Ive been through some fucked up shit in my life. For starters as a kid I was sexually abused. I was maybe 5-6 when it started and I distinctly remember 2 times it happened in almost perfect detail. I at that age was so embarrassed by what was happening and I knew what that person was doing was wrong but it was someone close to me and close to my family so I kept it a secret and never told my parents it happened. I even went as far as gaslighting myself trying to make myself believe it never happened but I know it did. That person is still in my life on occasion, I try to avoid him but sometimes I can’t. We are civil only talk when we need to and I don’t even know if he thinks I know exactly what he did or if he thinks I was so young I probably didn’t even remember it happened at all. Growing up after those incidents I have severe separation anxiety from my parents that developed into general anxiety as a teen and adult. I’ve worked through a lot since becoming an adult but then in my mid twenties another trauma hit me like a freight train and that trauma was worse than the sexual assault I had as a child. People just keep hurting me in my life and I let it happen but I don’t know why. Is it because of the first trauma I experienced? Is something wrong with me? Does anyone have advice on dealing with deep rooted trauma? If there is interest in my other adult traumas I’ll tell those stories too but for now I figured I’d start small at the beginning
You need a trauma therapist maybe you can find one online.
I’m sorry for the things you went through. I would suggest a good therapist. At 30 years old, you don’t need to be around anybody that you don’t wanna be around. This is probably better coming from the therapist, but you don’t owe anybody anything. You don’t have to explain why you don’t want to be around that person. Every time that person shows up you leave. You’re 30 years old! You gotta deal with whatever it is it’s holding you back from moving forward and leaving that in the past
Traumas can be attacked to our most emotional moments in life. Without proper closure (as in treatment to overcome/adapt), it can be a self hurting tool to such moments in your life. I am sad to hear you went through all those moments in your life. I hope by sharing this, you might get closer to your goal of feeling healed. I will not give any specific solutions or plans to get yourself going and battle over these fears you experienced or new stressful moments to come, we are only here to hear and not judge. Simply will leave a pointer, that it is ok to share these things, and someone such as a therapist, can only benefit you into finding workarounds towards your mental state. Hope to hear from you soon
That’s a lot, I’m sorry you had to go through that. Honestly, trauma doesn’t just go away, and it’s easy to fall into patterns where you let people walk all over you ‘cause that’s what you’ve known. But none of it is your fault, and there’s definitely ways to start healing. Don’t be hard on yourself. Recognizing your pain is the first step, and you’ve already done that. Take it slow, and don’t feel like you need to rush through it. You deserve peace.
Your subconscious tries to protect you but it only knows what its learned from experience. So depending on what happened the first time, it might be telling you, don't fight it! He'll hurt you!! Or don't tell! Or many other possibilities. And another factor is that in general people are the most comfortable with what they have known. So if you have had a l9t of abusive relationships, sometimes womwn will continue to choose abusive relationships because they believe thats the type of guy they think they are attracted to. The good news is that anyone can change but you have to be very deliberate about it, being extra careful to choose guys who treat you the way you want to be treated and not the way youte used to being treated.
Your best bet would be to search for an experienced trauma counselor and undergo counseling. Work on yourself first, then date.
Have you read the book "The Body Keeps the Score"? I highly recommend it. It might answer some of your questions you listed.
I came to say this. It is on audible.
Please speak with a therapist and law enforcement about your experiences. You could save the next person they attempt to traumatize and abuse.
ive had a similar experience also 30f also never told my mom. i learned to fawn in the face of abuse. i never learned how to stand up for myself or have much less enforce healthy boundaries. therapy is definitely essential. i havent done nearly enough therapy but ive been pursuing my own brand of healing for almost a decade through extensive media consumption, books, podcasts, and healing retreats. i dont recommend my way because theres too many ways to go astray when your discernment is vulnerable. i definitely recommend a somatic therapist and the pursuit of a morning and evening wellness routine, including breath work and body work.
I am sorry you endured that sexual trauma. My adopted daughter's father is a pedophile who is rotting in prison where he will be for the rest of his unnatural life.
honestly it takes so much guts to be this open about ur past. just know that u aren't alone and things will get better as u process everything. u deserve to find some peace after all that
I messaged you 😊
When you have trauma growing up your nervous system gets used to a certain stress level and way of being. Sometimes abusers can feel like home because their chaos triggers some of those feelings that were part of the early conditioning so it’s harder to recognize when someone is unsafe.
I know that sexual trauma with a familial component can be particularly complicated. It has complicated a lot of family dynamics for my family. It’s a lot to balance for me as someone who is not the direct assault victim and just someone who cares about the victims in my family. So I can only imagine how tough it is to process for you as the direct victim in these situations. Without all the details on your situation, the only thing I can say without reservation is that it is not because there is anything wrong with you.
If you are in the US, you can check your local community for a sexual trauma center or a rape crisis center. They often offer free trauma counseling for survivors (based on funding availability). www.rainn.org is a great resource.
Queen- I was mentally, physically and sexually abused by my mother. I understand your trauma all too well. Especially if you still see this person. Does anyone else in your family know what happened? Is there anyone in the family you trust to explain this to? I think you need to tell someone trusted so they can help you navigate occasions where this person is likely to be.
I also learned the hard way if you don’t seek therapy and do the work to help yourself heal, you will continue to repeat the trauma pattern over and over. It took me years to learn this. For your own well being, please find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse and trauma.
If you want to dm me, please feel free. There are lots of books on the subject. I can also try to help you with questions to ask a therapist. You want to make sure you find one that is going to help you fit your needs and help you on a gentle healing journey. Wishing you all the best of luck whatever you decide to do ☘️☘️
Im so sorry you had to go through all that. Can you please see a therapist. I think you might need professional guidance