I am currently (34f) single and living alone with a good job. I am home for the holidays and I told my Mom that I am the happiest i've ever been and she told me that it is false happiness because i'm not doing much with my life and I have no kids. She told me I need to freeze my eggs or have a baby within a year. I think this is incredibly mean of her to say because I truly am happy because I finally was ok with not having kids and that decision gave me relief. Her statement really hurt my feelings.
Your mom’s from a different generation that doesn’t understand the real world anymore.
You can tell her that, or just ignore her.
this is what i thought! thank you for validating my feelings!
Your mom should be happy that you are happy.
Heck, I (67F) am happy for OP. Ignore your mother, dear.
Right! I know I’m a stranger, but happiness isn’t so easy to come by, I’m so happy for people that genuinely are. I’m happy for you OP! Having children is not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that. Travel the world!
Sounds like a conversation I had with a family member recently. Like HOW could you be happy without kids? Your life CANNOT be complete. I'm like listen Darlene, I went to Costa Rica on a random Tuesday in July. I'm fine.
On a different note; I am now expecting. But I'm almost 40 and conceived naturally. If you do want to have kids, you've got time. I traveled and did whatever the hell I wanted for years, it was glorious. Only recently did I really feel like a child felt like a good option for me...and that didn't happen until I was 38.
I found out at 42 that I was infertile. I had delayed getting pregnant so long. So when I did fertility treatments twice, my doc sat me down and said we could go on, spending $100,000 or more and still have no baby.
I went into a deep depression. I'm in a longtime marriage, my husband never wanted kids, was abused, thinks he'd abuse too. No way he would, never been violent to me. But hey...i had to accept it. It was hard.
But I get to go to Hawaii more often. And I have 5 nieces and nephews, and 4 grand nieces and 3 grad nephews. So life is what you make of it. And they're my family.
Heya - I have one daughter and at the moment her attitude to pregnancy is "why would anyone do that to themselves?" She may change her mind as she gets older, but as far as I'm concerned if she's happy, I'm happy.
Sorry that your Mum has a fixed idea on what is worthwhile in life, but don't let her get to you. I think it's really sad that previous generations of women were taught that raising children was the ONLY contribution that mattered.
This is nothing to do with her generation, it’s her own personal bias. (I’m 68 and think OP has every right to be happy in whatever way she pleases.) Ignore her, OP. She said this to you for her own selfish purpose. Clearly she wants a grandchild.
It’s awesome that you think that but I’m sure you agree far more people of your age think differently. I’m by no means saying all people, but from my experience, more people pre (or even during) gen-x are more “traditional” in their thoughts on this type of topic.
I’m older than op, and my mother (a bit older than you) still doesn’t understand why I’m not married by choice (been very happy with my amazing lady for about 20 years now but just never had kids)
yeah that’s her projecting old school expectations. doesn’t make ur happiness fake at all. u know ur life better than she does
Totally, I've had relatives pull the same “you’re not doing enough” line and it’s like… nah, I'm just living my life and enjoying it. Honestly some parents just cant compute happiness that doesnt come with a checklist.
lol yeah, different generation energy. don’t let her take away the peace you’ve found.
Just because someone is old and stuck in the past, doesn’t give them the right to be that nasty to somebody else, especially their own daughter. OP your happiness is what matters. If your mom can’t comprehend that and be happy that you are happy (which in my opinion is one of the minimum requirements for a good parent) then why are you even listening to her opinion?
Honestly, in your position, I'd laugh in my mother's face and say "well, honey, you ain't gonna get that, and you'd better get used to it. Want a cat?"
Of course, my mom is cool and would snap back at me and say "fuck you! You gonna pay for the cat?"
Having said that, this reaction from your mom shouldn't hurt your feelings. You are OK with not having kids. Her expectations for you had to have been fulfilled when you became an adult, and she should know that. You aren't under any obligation to meet her needs.
Bodily autonomy her demand that you freeze your eggs or have a baby within a year is an extreme overstep of boundaries you are the only person who gets to decide what happens with your body and your future
same energy, she’s coming from a different era. your happiness is valid, period.
Very well said!
Ignoring her is definitely the easier option because some generational firewalls are impenetrable.
That's solid advice; generational gaps can feel like navigating a different planet sometimes.
Do you think women choosing to be child free is a new idea?
Another generation is supposed to say that? 😳 I'm 72 years old, I chose for personal reasons not to have children and I'm very happy.
Not supposed to, but it is very common.
Honey I’m 41 and no kids and single. As long as you know you’re happy just ignore her. Or do what I did and make it clear kids are no go for you and that’s it. If she gets mad oh well. Like my mother used to say, she’ll be ok as long as she doesn’t fall and hurt herself.
Wow, that was ice cold of her. I’m so sorry. ❤️
i thought the same!
She said that to hurt your feelings. Screw her.
I actually think she said that to try to guilt her or push her to have kids, which is all Mom seems to think women are good for.
I think Mom just selfishly wants a grandchild. If OP were married she’d undoubtedly be hounding her constantly: “When are you going to have children?”
That's your mom's opinion, you know if you're truly happy or not. Don't let her negativity and belief bring you down where you change your life to something that won't bring you happiness.
Things are harder these days than when your mom was your age. As a result, things are different. Different goals, different responsibilities, different economies, different expectations. Don't feel bad, she simply has a different reality.
You control your own happiness, don't let her throw you off your path
Being a parent is a very personal choice. And not everyone is meant to be one. Respect yourself before anything and everything.
Congrats on being happy and fulfilled!!! That is wonderful. And, I know it’s hard to say “screw you Mom”…she deserves it.
I think some women urge their daughters toward the wife and mother route because they regret having done so themselves and cannot stand it that their daughter will have it better. YMMV.
Yes!!!!
This was my exact thought. Many women in older generations didn't feel they had the choice to not be moms. They need to validate to themselves that motherhood truly is the only way to be happy, or else they might have to confront some possible regretful feelings.
I can’t see a reason to say that to anyone unless her purpose was to hurt you emotionally, so it’s absolutely reasonable that your feelings are hurt.
However, I would more focus on the fact that someone you love said something intentionally to hurt you, rather than the body of what she said if that makes sense. You not having children clearly has nothing to do with your happiness, and as you’ve said you finally feel great about your direction in life. Her decisions and what she wants has nothing to do with you and your life.
I could've been meaner to her if she were my mom. We are living in an era where things are dramatically changing, and the generational gap is significant. Women with jobs and brain can't keep up with sacrifice anymore. Keep it up!
Tell your mother she had kids and doesn’t seem very happy and you don’t want to end up like her, unfulfilled and WITH children.
Only you know what you want and how you feel.
She's comparing apples with oranges if she is comparing your life with hers.
Don't take it to heart. She does not live your life. Nor you hers.
I'm 60 never had kids by choice, my mom's advice but I never thought of it. I didn't like living with people including bfs. Loved cats, still do. Still a liberal. Not everyone needs to have kids. You should be with the potential other parent for enough time to be sure that you agree on everything especially now when women don't have rights, depending on what state you live.
As a 59f I believe she is still living in the past. Life isn’t what it was when she was young. I would ignore her and if she continues I would just tell her your sex life is none of her business.
Since you're 34... I'm going to assume that your mom is at least 55 years old or older, which places her in Gen X. Gen X, much like the boomers believe in traditional values. Women stay home and work and men go out and make the money. Part of these traditional values includes having children and living life with a "purpose" at least in their worldview.
Your mom doesn't understand how you can be happy the way you are living your life. My dad is 62, but also understands that times are much different than when he was my age and raising children is not what it used to be and that women have much more rights today than they did back when he was growing up.
That being said, I think your mom just said that to hurt you and make you feel less about yourself because you don't share the same views about life which makes sense that she grew up in a completely different time period and had different experiences than you.
She bought the lie, but you did not. A fulfilling life is what you want it to be. Kudos to you for reaching a happy place. Stay the course. Look at her with empathy and pity for having such limited beliefs.
Dang. A little condescending. It’s like passive aggressive insults. You’re no better than her mother.
39F here. I got married young but we chose not to have kids, and never even ended up having any pregnancy scares before my husband sealed the deal with a vasectomy 2 yrs ago.
It went from "you're making a mistake!" from all family members when we got married to "where are our grandchildren?!" just a few short years later. My mother was especially snarky, telling people "we didn't know how" to make children. I finally interrupted her after the umpteenth time, said, "Well, practice makes perfect!" and walked away.
She finally came to me when I was around 35 and said she had made her peace with never being a grandmother and respects and admires the life my husband and I have built together. And she stuck to her word - she's never lamented about grandchildren ever since.
So I guess I don't really have advice, other than don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, and maybe there's hope your mother will have the same shift in perspective.
I’m sorry she squashed your rainbow. Only you know if you’re happy.
With the greatest respect, your mother sounds insufferable
Your moms an ass and we GenX do not accept her. Shes a baby boomer i bet because her attitude says all. You my sweet person you be you because YOUR happiness is all that matters. Grandkids are not a given. My oldest is childless by choice and so happy. My middle has 2 babies and is happy it doesnt matter where you fall on the kids line just as long as YOU are happy. NOR
Oh my gosh. I would be hurt too. Does she know that you don’t want kids? I had the time of my life in my 30’s too and didn’t have kids and I have zero regrets. I think it’s awful that she put it in a way that invalidates your success and happiness. It’s also a very old fashioned and outdated way of thinking. Her opinions are HER problem and never yours. I always say that I have one life to be happy and it starts with me putting myself and my own needs first. Life has been great since.
My 3 adult kids have little interest in having children and I'm ok with that. My daughter's fiancee has mentioned having baby fever now and then, and if she decides to have a child, whether it be her egg or my daughter's egg, I'm good with that as well. I just want them to be happy.
Centering your life purpose around having kids is the most basic and mediocre thing you can do with your life as a human. Boomers are seriously brainwashed when it comes to this, probably because back in the day, they didn’t have many other perspectives outside of having a kids. Many generations of women in my family all raised a bunch of kids, and yet none of them lived a fulfilled life because of that. They all got drowned in labour, overworked, burnt out and barely had a life of their own outside of that. Pretty sure this isn’t what the “dream life” looks like. At least for most people
Tell her the discussion is closed and leave the room/hang up if she brings it up again.
That is such a republican old school way of thinking. Why even give it any thought?
Sometimes the best approach is selective hearing. If you MUST acknowledge try shrugs, nods, hmmms, and an occasional “that’s a good point,” even when it’s so not a good point. She feels heard and you’ve committed to nothing.
Might be worth a try!
You know what they say about opinions mom!
As a mom to three grown kids and only one of the three has a child. Our youngest and her husband have already said they aren't having children. It's your life you need to live it and whatever makes you happy, so be it. I will agree with your mom though if you do want children someday, freezing your eggs isn't a bad idea. Yet it's just that a good idea.
Otherwise just shut your mom down and let her know you turned out just fine. You're also all grown up and able to make your own decisions.
I never told our 2 daughters to have children, not my business. The oldest had 2 and the youngest one, but that was their choice I’d have been fine if they didn’t have any. Not to say I wasn’t thrilled to be a grandmother of 3 terrific kids. After my husband died my youngest and her husband asked me to move in with them. Then a few years later my oldest and her long time boyfriend broke up and she and her 2 moved in. I get to watch my grandchildren grow up. I’ve gotten to watch them grow up to be terrific teenagers and hopefully since I’m healthy I’ll see them get married and have their own children if they want to.
I believe you, I have 1child, if I could have 10 I would've, but im not unhappy about it, to be fare, I could still have more children, but im just not bothered about being proactive, with looking for a decent partner.
The freedom I have to not worry about anyone, or be mindful about what I do in my own home is priceless!
I say freeze them incase you do change your mind. I say this because, are you the same person you were 10yrs ago or 15yrs ago.
We grow, we change!
Your mum maybe projecting the lack of life she had/has because she had children, it astounds me that people are so stuck on having a family, is the only way to enjoy life. It's quite sad really! I feel bad for them.
Her reply was unnecessary and sucked. It was her expectations, her values, her, her, her. Your comment was about you.
It’s your decision not hers. We moms need to keep our mouths shut. You make your own choices.
Having my child was the best day of my life! I am a single mom and waited till I was in my late thirties to have her. No regrets.
I don't think that it's even a generational thing...I heard the same when I was young (except for the frozen eggs,they weren't really a thing back then. Get a man, get him to marry you, have kids. Some people just think that their life plan is the only valid one. Is your mom even happy?
I ended up having a kid pretty late in life. But I definitely didn't change my plans because anyone told me so.
It's your life, and your happiness, and you absolutely know best.
What a stupid thing to say!!! What is “false happiness?” No such thing! If you’re happy, you’re happy. Period. Ignore her, if you can.
BTW, I’m 63 and happy. No kids. I sometimes want grandchildren, but I still don’t want kids.
When she says that you need to freeze your eggs, I would look at her like she is crazy. I mean that is weird.
She will probably bug you a hundred more times. Grandkids are a big deal.
Unfortunately you have to toughen up on this topic and tell her you are not having kids every time she says that or ignore it.
It’s your life, not hers! She should mind her own business
NOR- I’m sorry she doesn’t seem to understand that not everyone needs the same things in life to be happy. She sounds old school and was most likely taught this way of thinking growing up. So, try not to let her get you down too much. She just doesn’t know any better. Just keep voicing your feelings with her and hopefully one day soon she’ll understand you.
just tell her your happy with this life
That’s a Gen X thing. We were always taught you can’t be happy unless you have a job, or a family and you stay at that job despite the fact it sucks and the boss is toxic. You stayed bc you have to have a job. A job is the center of your universe. Not your kids, or anything else. It’s the job.
You define your happiness by your definition. Just hug your mom, and say, I’m good! And move on.
As long as you are happy and living the life that truly fulfills you, other people's opinions don't define your worth or happiness. It's your life and your decisions are valid, no matter what anyone else thinks. If you are content with where you are and the choices you have made, that's what matter most
maybe just ignore her cause she's old already? and maybe explain to her why are you still happy without having a partner and a kid. I think she wants a grandchildren that much
No you are not I'm (a young) 60 with two young adult kids, I always wanted them but it's not for everyone and that's ok
While I secretly HOPE to have grandkids one day, I would never dream of saying such a thing to either of my kids. I'm sorry your mum said that to you, I'm sure you know she's projecting from her specific standpoint and wishes.
I probably would have reacted badly if that had been said to me. Take comfort in what people are saying, you've been validated and you have the right to live your way as you please. You aren't on this earth to please your parents.
I'm a mom and would personally never say anything like that to my daughter. She's 22 and doesn't want children, which is her choice. Do I hope for grandchildren? Of course. But I would much rather she not have kids than for her to hate any children she may have. Perspective is key in all situations. And I didn't have her until I was 33. I wanted her with every fiber of my being but as a parent, we should never put our desires so strongly onto our children. I believe that just breeds resentment.
51F here, no kids. Sitting in a condo in Myrtle Beach with my husband. Going to go for AYCE seafood buffet this afternoon, walk the beach, maybe do some other touristy stuff. We leave Saturday. Home for 2 weeks, then leave again for another 2 weeks for a trip. No regrets.
You can tell your mom that just because she has a different view of life than you do doesn’t make her view right. She should be happy for you because that is what life is all about, being happy.
That’s such old school Gen X thinking, I could vomit. I’m 38F divorced with no kids, also love one and it’s TITS. Live your life the way you want and not according to anyone’s standards ✌🏼
That’s so mean. I’m sorry she said that to you. She’s just projecting her fear on to you. I hope you told her how much her comment hurt you. Sending you hugs 🫂
The way your mom went about this was rude and dismissive of your feelings, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. You are definitely not overreacting.
However, the underlying message isn't necessarily wrong. If there's even a remote chance that you might change your mind about wanting children in the future, freezing your eggs now isn't a bad idea. This doesn't obligate you. It gives you options. If you decide this is something you want to do, I wouldn't mention it to mom. Only do it for yourself.
The only reason I'm bringing it up is because I literally know two couples who are right now dealing with massive infertility issues because of the quality of the mother's eggs. I know a third couple, and in their case, it's a sperm issue. All three couples are in various stages of depression and kicking themselves for not planning when they were younger.
But ultimately, it's your decision. I'm so happy for you that you're in a good headspace now.
Or maybe it’s just her experience speaking.She did put it across insensitively.
But there might be some truth to her words.Freezing your eggs is not a bad option if you can afford it.It gives you the freedom of choice.
A lot of people change their minds a couple of years down the road-about everything.Not just kids.But especially about kids.
I have seen men and women swear they don’t want kids.And boom!They meet the right person.Or realize their clock’s running out .
Like I said-it gives you options.
The times have changed since she was a younger lady, it’s not something everyone wants… or needs in order to be happy! Stay true to yourself, peace be the Journey!✌🏻🫶🏻🤘🏻
Get that ice cube tray out….. ✌️🙌❤️
I think both of your feelings are valid. You’ve made your decision for what’s best for you and your life. Are you her only child? It would be reasonable to believe she wanted grandchildren. Two very different generations. She also shouldn’t dismiss your happiness. You love each other and should be able to have an adult conversation about this, hopefully.