I’m not sure your bf really cares about you. If he buys you things and then says you owe him, I would not accept any more “gifts.” Start looking for a cheaper place maybe with roommates that you can afford.

Buying you stuff out of kindness then expecting you to pay it back is not kindness. Also it's shitty bf behavior.

I'd dump him and work on moving out. He seems toxic.

He’s financially abusing you. The point is to keep you poor and in debt to him so you can never leave.

You are allowed to say no. No to paying more in rent you never agreed to. No to paying more for an extra room that’s his office. No to paying back for gifts.

Are you on the lease? I honestly hope no so you can leave him. I wouldn’t expect this to go well and I would have a friend there when possible to keep him from exploding/ getting violent. This isn’t an accident and he’s not misunderstanding the issue. Keeping you on the back foot is the point.

To be honest, this partnership doesn't sound like it's going to work long term. He shouldn't "make" you do something and you should never feel like you can't "escape" a situation.

It's really important in a relationship that you are on the same page wit your visions and values about money. What was the intention of living together? Was it ultimately to move towards getting married? If so man marraiges are this is "our" money, not everyone still separates things. And what about family? Will one person stay home? Can you handle living on one persons salary for awhile? Is he even ok with that?

REad over these financial questions please as it might help put things into perspective especially about future spending and saving and overall habits:
https://www.securian.com/insights-tools/articles/pre-marital-checklist.html

But what you need to say to him is ultimately, "I cannot afford to live in this unit, so let's look for a new apartment that is just a one bedroom that is more in my price range." Depending on his answer, you then have your answer on whether the relationship will last.

And if you need to, move out and find just a room to rent with some roommates.

“Hey when your lease is up I’d like to find a new apartment that is more reasonable for my budget- I can’t afford our current place”

If he says no then he should pay more.

I earn more than my partner and I pay more and I have zero qualms w this. I want her to succeed and understand she doesn’t make the same as me. I’m not gonna have her be broke so I can thrive by myself

He sounds like an asshole.

50/50 doesn’t work in a relationship when someone makes four times as much. Would someone who really loves you put you in that position? 

I think you need to move out. Your BF is financially abusive.

My advice is to move out. He doesn't care that you're struggling. He doesn't care if you go into debt buying him things. He only cares about himself.

Why on earth are you with this guy?  This is financial abuse.  Leave. 

Not a fixed thing - 50/50 is fine if you both agree it but if not it will become a source of resentment.

I think we have gone away from men having to be proud of supporting their partners financially and being breadwinners. Both partners contributing fairly and discussing what that looks like is the way forward and that does not necessarily mean 50/50

Ps the whole buying you things out of kindness and then saying you owe him is a red flag for making you financially dependant on him. If you let them build and you decide to break up he will hold that over you

Dating is a time where you get to know a person, and realize if there are red flags, and if you should go your separate ways.

What part of everything that you have written tells you this is a person you should stay with?

thats not 50/50, you need to split bills depending on your income. he is taking advantage of you, no one that loves their partner would put them in that type of financial stress if they actually cared about them.

he’s also manipulating you, he cant buy you things you didn’t ask for and then expect you to pay him back its ridiculous. this could be seen as financial abuse especially with the debt he’s left you in

Tell him to shove it or split bills congruent to income. Would he want you to pay half if your school was blown up? He’s being hella unrealistic. Also if the money between the both of you isnt to share. Then imagine what he would feel if you started making 4x more then him Edit: i just seen where he will throw things that he has done for you in your face. That right there is extremely toxic behavior. he didn’t do those things for you if he has to use it to maintain some form of para-casual control over you. Start giving him the gifts back or selling them. If he complains stomp his voice.

When my wife and I moved in together I made something like 5 or 6x what she made. I could easily cover everything, her salary was a household bonus. So I asked her to handle groceries and do whatever she wanted with the rest. Equal is not the same thing as equitable.

It's really just about what kind of relationship YOU want. Bc as a woman, you choose. If you want a man to pay for everything while maintaining your independence, you can have that. If you want a man to 50/50 nickle and dime you, you can have that. Asking ppl what they think is irrelevant bc it's all about what you seek in relation to what you want and what you'll accept.

Your relationship is financially abusive. Why do you want to be with this man?

Dude, he is us 31 and you are 24. He can't expect you to have same finances he has.

HUGE RED 🚩. I would dump him if I were in your position.

I agree that it should be based equitably on income, but your statement: “isn’t a man supposed to ………..” is sexist and is an attack on your bf as not being “man enough.” If any man started a statement on these subs with “isn’t a woman supposed to ……….,” the OP would immediately be attacked as misogynistic, patriarchal, with Tate influenced toxic masculinity and then be downvoted into oblivion.

But I agree 100% w/you that for now it should be based on salary.

Absolutely not fair or remotely reasonable. you have to go for equal percentage or ratio instead. by paying 50/50 he's taking nearly 90% of your income which isn't fair. if you do 50% for each, he would contribute 2.2k while you 800. I dont know your needs so choose the equal percentage accordingly

50/50 splitting is reasonable BUT it requires the party making more to be willing to adjust all the shared expenses to the other party's means. He doesn't get to insist on a 50/50 split and then use you to subsidize his higher income lifestyle.

What did you discuss when you moved into the place? It feels like you seriously didn't set proper expectations with each other. But The start of the conversation here should be "if we are going to split 50/50 we need to move into a place that's within my reach to do so."

Here is an alternative: put all your income in a joint account and decide on a monthly budget, such as x per month in pocket money for each of you, y to save up for vacations and so forth.

If you can do that, you'll have solved many, many future problems.

What you're doing now looks so transactional that I can't really tell if you have a relationship or if you are just his discount bangmaid.

Date in your tax bracket. If you making that much less than him, you need to get your income up. I'm tired of women being comfortable being a liability. We are all equal I'm God's eyes

Nope. In a romantic relationship bills should be done proportional to income. If he doesn’t like that, tell him you will have to go live elsewhere where you can afford it. My ex husband tried to pull this sh1t once. Such BS.

It is extremely normal and common for a couple to split bills pro-rata based on income. Ideally, you should have had this conversation before moving in together. Since you (presumably) haven’t, you should prioritize having it soon. Explain that 50% of the bills in the home simply isn’t sustainable for you, would he be willing to split the bills based on a percentage of what each of you make? If you do find a job that pays more, you’ll commit to adjusting the percentage accordingly.

The entire point of moving in with someone you aren't married to is to lessen the financial burden. You should never move in with someone to get into a worse financial situation. You aren't his wife, he isn't responsible for your bills. Y'all should have discussed finances before moving in together. If this is going to break you financially then go get your own place that's cheaper.

If you want your relationship to work , it’s not 50-50 it’s 100/100 , it’s our money

No, if salaries are not comparable.

This sounds like financial abuse. You don’t owe him anything. What he is saying is legally unenforceable in any case. He can’t make you pay anything. If I were you, I would be making plans to move out. You did OK before him and will do just fine without him.

What is the stuff he buys you out of kindness?

Someone who loved you would want to lighten your load, not be 100% concerned about HIS confort. Couples should have a joint account for joint living expenses (rent, utilities, food) and each should be responsible for their individual personal expenses (car note, insurance, clothes, etc.). So you should add up all the joint living expenses and you should be paying 25% and he 75%, based on income. This is common for people in a relationship -- I don't know a single couple who pay equal amounts into their joint living expenses when one person makes significantly more than the other, and yes in my friend group some of the women make two or three times what the guys make so they contribute two or three times more. Just roommates would be 50/50. So your boyfriend is taking advantage of you because you are paying more of his expenses and putting you into a difficult financial situation. This man does not love you -- he is treating you like a roommate, but with benefits. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this? Has he destroyed your self esteem? I would suggest therapy to unpack why you don't feel like you should be treated with love and respect by a romantic partner. You should be in a relationship with someone who will love you and will want to be an equal partner and not want you to suffer under the weight of an unfair financial situation he has caused. You can live with a roommate and pay 50/50 and not have your self esteem damaged in the process or be manipulated.

This isn’t a 50/50 relationship if he’s holding financial security over you. That’s just financial abuse.

If he us buy you stuff and then says you owe him he can go get thise things refunded they weren't at your request. That is a gift. You do not in anyway legally owe him for any of it.

It like driving your car and some random person starts cleaning your frount window at a red light, you do not legally owe them anything. They are taking advantage of a certain level of do a favour for a favour. Phonological manipulation.

It would behove you to dump this man. What he's doing to you is completely unfair and I would consider financial abuse. What a jerk.

No. Salaries are not compatible, which makes your living together incompatible.

Sit him down and go through your financial situation with him so he can see the details.

He needs to see things written down to get a better understanding/ sense of how you are struggling.

Good luck.

Piggy backing on this, I was wondering if I am making 100k (pre tax; I take on extra shifts on weekends to make 130k) and my bf was making equivalent 350k (pre tax) in my currency.. but now has lost his job. How would you split the expenses? He has (I assume as he says he can retire now) a large nest egg and I am using about 80% of my income on expenses - I’m not talking fun stuff I’m talking housing food gas insurance etc) how would you split it

If you are "Room mates" then you should pay 50/50. If your current living situation is to expensive, then you should move to something that is in your price range. If your boyfriend doesn't like that idea because you won't be living together, then you are not room mates, you are in a relationship.

If you are in a relationship, the math is a bit different. You should contribute equal amounts commensurate with your income: Household total annual income = (your annual take home) + (his annual take home). Your pay ratio for household expenses = Your Take Home Total / Household Total. So if he takes home 2x more than you, then he should be paying 2x the expense.

If he doesn't like that you can tell him I said he's a selfish prick.

How long have you been together? I'd say anything under 1 or maybe even 2 years is still figuring things out, so I'd treat it as roommates and share costs equally.

Even if you're splitting equally, you should not be paying for the 2nd room being used as an office. Treat it as if you were roommates, and calculate the square footage of the areas used and split based on that. It sounds like you may already be doing that if you're only paying 800 when rent is 1,900.

Do not get pregnant, save your money, take your kickball and run.

Looking back at your post history, it is pretty clear that this boyfriend of yours is emotionally and financially (and possibly physically, it's hard to tell with the deleted post that still has viewable comments).

You need to get out of this relationship. Do you have any friends or family that you can lean on for support? You aren't going to be able to change him, or make him see things your way, no matter how much you want that to happen. So why are you still with him?

If you're going to live together, you should get married 1st and all your income is shared..there is no "his bills or your bills".. its your (plural) bills

No, no, no. Please don’t give him another dime, save your money, go stay with a friend, break up with this abuser via text message, and then immediately block him so he can’t reply. Then, get yourself back in school so you can build a life.

50-50 is only fair when the lifestyle is based on the lower income earner.

You definitely shouldn't be splitting the bills 50/50! For example, if youre putting in 50% of your wages, then he should also be putting in 50%.. if you're paying 50/50 im not surprised you're finding it hard to manage because you're surviving off 20% of your income and hes still got 80% of his. If he is a decent partner he should understand and be prepared to make the change

Costs should be split by percentage of income, not by percentage of cost.

I was with someone who insisted we split everything 50/50 even though he made more than me, and while I was poor as dirt he was able to put money in his savings account and even told me to just “get my shit together” when I couldn’t afford rent one month. I would often see less than $500 in my checking account and the 50/50 was leaving me with nothing at all. Leave this trash heap of a man. Believe me. Go live with roommates if you have to until you get back on your feet. You don’t want to be with someone like this because I can guarantee he is trash in more ways than this.

Bills should be paid proportional to income. And you shouldn't be "in debt to him" like that or unable to leave.. sounds very controlling.

Is moving home an option until you save up?

Huge age gap which is 100% contributing to the wage discrepancy and setting unfair expectations on you if I'm being honest

This does not sound like a healthy relationship and it is not fair especially to you! I think you should consider making plans to find your own place and move out. At 21, you are in school and not in a position to be supporting a 29 year old man The rent should be split according to your incomes. He is getting the benefit of your current arrangement and how selfish of him! Most men with character would not make you pay so much because it isn’t a fair division to you! Please think about it, this setup is not right for you!

Move out. This is financial abuse.

Talk to friends, make a plan without him knowing, and get out.

He’s a dick. It’ll only get worse.

You should never feel like a relationship is a place you cannot escape from, rather a place you feel safe with.
The bigger question seems to be more like, if he's the one for you.

Your age gap alone is a red flag

50/50 is fine if both of you can afford that 50% and your incomes aren't wildly different. In this case, neither necessary factor is true, so he should be willing to adjust and pay more (he can easily afford to do so).

No. Do it proportionally.

Your bf sounds kind of selfish and mean. Let him go find a gf who earns as much as him, and you go find a bf with a heart.

Dear, he’s called the police on you and is breaking things (I bet there are always yours, or specifically not his).

Run.

Get away from this loser. You have bigger issues than someone who is unfairly asking for money.

This is not a relationship…you are paying for the lifestyle HE wants!

Different people do it different ways. We all only get the same 24hrs in a day no matter what we do. Some couples split 50/50 (equality). Others split equal percentage of income, rather than equal dollar amounts (equitable). Depends on what the couple values more, equality or equitable.

edit I didnt read your whole post. So Im not commenting on what other issues may exist in your relationship.

He’s also put me in debt to him by buying me things “out of kindness” and then he’s now saying I owe him.

he’s now made the unfair decision to make me pay 50/50 or be homeless.

I have ran away in the past and he called the police claiming I was suicidal

He has started damaging stuff at home

I thought maybe if enough of you said 50/50 is rational all of the time I would believe his gaslighting but I swear I need to leave this man.

Yasss leaveee please. This is IMO abusive AF at first it sounded like financial abuse but it also seems worse then that. You deserve better, you sound so kind, don't stay in an abusive relationship plzzz..

Absolutely not. Either split the rent proportionally or else you have to find a cheaper place to move into together that is within your means. And if you are on a budget, you probably shouldnt split the groceries 50/50 since he probably eats more than you do. Having read your post more carefully and read through your additional comments - you need to break up - this man is stiffling you and making you feel suicidal. Go live alone.

Honey, after reading your updates, it’s clear that he IS trapping you. He’s doing it on purpose. If you don’t have money, you can’t leave.

Open up your own bank accounts that he cannot access.

STOP paying him more than $600/month. That’s the financial agreement you made. Tell him you won’t pay more. If he wants less financial responsibility, he can find a cheaper place.

Second: you refuse entirely to “repay” him for gifts given. Period.

Start telling him no. And start looking for temporary housing - a room to rent or similar.

If you need one bedroom, split one bedroom. He pays for the extra room.

He does not get to buy you stuff to put you in debt. Leave it there. Always.

That's financial and emotional abuse. You should not be paying half and you do not owe him money for things you never asked him to buy.

If you're cleaning, shopping, cooking, and doing laundry - stop it. Those are contributions to the household that should be credited towards your share of the rent. If you're paying a full half, then you do only as much around the house as he does, which I'll bet is close to nothing. Try to leave, if you can.

You break up with him. He expects you to pay for gifts that he chose to buy you? Hell no. Hard stop. Bills should be split based on percentage of income. A 50/50 split on a place that isn’t yours is reckless.

If you have a friend that wants to go out to eat with you, and they can't afford a fancy place and you can, then you should either go with them to a place that accommodates their budget, or you pay the excess that they can't afford.

It really is as simple as that. There's a certain amount you can afford, and no one should be asking you to spend more than that. It's nothing to do with ethics or personal reasons or anything like that, it's just simple math: You can't afford it.

Let's say all you have in the entire world is $100 and I tell you that you have to give me $150 right now or else. It's "or else" because, uh, you're $50 short. This is not a difficult concept.

If your SO wants to do things you can't afford, he can scale back or pick up the difference. Those are the only choices available, not because of anything to do with you, but because of reality.

www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org

You need to reach out for help.

OP get your story straight. In one version you have him 29yo, the other 31yo. Please stop posting fiction here.

It should be equitable

Your apartment should be based on your salary, not his. If he wants an office, he should be paying the difference. You are supplementing his income by living at his means. I think you should find a roommate in a cheaper place and let him pay for the whole apartment. He is taking advantage. A person who cared about you wouldn't do that.

Out of curiosity what religion is he?

Very short answer. No, you should not have to pay 50% Your BF is taking advantage of you.

Look. When it comes down to it, you moved into a place that you can't afford. It doesn't matter how much your roommate makes or your relationship with him. You can't afford to pay your own way. You made a bad decision.

You need to break the lease and move somewhere you can afford. If he doesn't want to do that then he needs to pay more of the rent %.

He's not wrong that you should be able to support yourself and pay things like a normal adult. It's not your "man's" responsibility to pay for you to feel safe. That would be taking advantage of him. It's your responsiblity to be an equal partner in the relationship. That doesn't mean that you ahve to spend yourself broke. It does mean that you need to use your own voice and speak up about your budget. Say I can afford X for rent, I can afford Y for clothes. If he doesn't like it then he can make up the difference or learn to live within your own means budget-wise.

It's reasonable for him to expect you to pay 50/50 absolutely.

Leave now. What kind of partnership is this. It isn’t.