Do not invite her and don’t feel bad about it. I hope your daughter isn’t asking you to.

That’s really unfortunate. I’ve dealt with people like that before—those who seem to suck the air out of the room & make everything harder than it needs to be. Personally, I don’t think I could see myself extending the invitation again, especially when it means your son can’t fully enjoy the holiday with his family bc of her presence.

That said, it’s important to acknowledge & accept that your daughter may choose to not come in the future so they can spend it with her if she’s excluded, so weigh that carefully before deciding. Have you spoken to your daughter about it?

You don’t have to but you might want to try again. If you can’t spend holidays together you might lose the baby for half of them. Obviously you were surprised and anxious and not your best self. If you are prepared mentally you might make the experience better. And with you calm it would definitely be better for your son. But if you don’t want to try this year then maybe next year! 😊💜

You have to be careful not to lose your daughter in the end of these situations. Your description of her boyfriend is not very reassuring and it frankly sounds like you are going to create animosity. Tread carefully and think on this rationally. You may find yourself on the outside looking in.

If calling your daughters partner “future baby daddy that she lives with” is your way of minimizing their relationship because you don’t approve of it - I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a bit of an attitude about hanging out with you.

If genuinely your daughters situation is that she lives with the father of your future grandchild but they are roommates and not romantically involved then it’s polite to invite him, but not necessary to invite her.

It's kind of gross that you call your daughter's partner and father of her child baby daddy. It's crass.

You’re not obligated at all, but you’re setting a precedent for them having to choose one family or the other going forward.

Tell your daughter to have a dinner with BD's side of the family and then yours. Or whatever order. Just tell her to have 2 dinners.

No. You can see her at your daughter’s place if she is there. You do not have to include her in your home. Set the precedent now or you will be stuck with her at every event/holiday.

I would not, & tell your daughter’s guy that you are not inviting her because she clearly was not enjoying herself or the meal at Thanksgiving. Best to make explanation ahead of the fact with a spin on her benefit rather than yours.

Wdym by "baby daddy"?

Be blunt to her as she is to you.

You aren't obligated to do anything with her, but if she manages to tag along again, tell your daughter that she and her boyfriend need to entertain her, and ask your daughter to try to be a buffer between you in the kitchen by distracting her and taking her away.

Edit to add after rereading, it sounds like you already have a negative opinion of the boyfriend and you were irritated at the mom for being there. I wonder if your dislike of the situation may be a factor here that is making you automatically hostile. 

If you must invite her, be sure your daughter and her boyfriend (the woman's own son) are told that they are responsible for entertaining her... Keeping her out of the kitchen, engaging her in conversation or a card game or whatever. Put the responsibility for her on them.

You need to talk to your daughter, if you haven’t already. She can then discuss his mother’s behaviour with her partner, and also his rudeness for inviting a guest without checking with the host.

stop calling him the baby daddy. it's awful

You need to talk to your daughter about this. Not only is it not fair on you to not check it’s ok but your younger son deserves to be relaxed in his home at Christmas.

I get that she is all alone, but if she really is difficult maybe it would be better if your daughter and future son hosted a Christmas and included her rather than her come to yours, of course that means they won’t be at yours either so maybe you could alternate it and sometime’s host so you can all be together?

Talk to your daughter. But please don’t refer to her husband or boyfriend as her “baby daddy” beyond tacky and classless.

This sounds odd -- I wonder why she went to your Thanksgiving if she was perfectly happy with her typical home celebration.

I question, though -- how are you going to make it explicit that she is not invited? If she showed up at Thanksgiving without you inviting her, how do you know the same won't happen at Christmas?

I do not think you have to invite her -- lots of people see different sides of the family on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day. Generally because it is impossible for EVERYbody to attend EVERYthing. But if the family is very small, this might not be the obvious course of action. If, eventually, you go to your daughter's you'll obviously have no control over who is invited (and it might make the most sense for your daughter to host). But there is no requirement that you invite someone to your home.

That said, this could cause difficulty, and I guess you need to determine whether that is worth it.

You're not obligated to invite her at all. Y'all will be SHARING family; that doesn't mean you have to treat HER as family. 

I get it. My in laws have a very small family. They’re from Eastern Europe. We’ve attempted to blend holidays with my family. However, between cultural differences, accents, and overall not spending any time with each other outside of a major holiday, it was awful. We aren’t blending families again.

You do have to figure out a plan though. In my case, everyone felt the awkwardness and agreed to keep things separate. In your case, I’d see if she shows up. You don’t have to send an invite. If she does arrive, walk her through the evening meal, prep, and activities. Then say - I know it might be different than what you’re used to but this is what we do. No arguing. If she does continue to be irritating you’ll have to cross that bridge…..

You are going to have to deal with her socially once the grandchild arrives. But, not this Christmas if you don’t want to. Please tell your daughter that the mother in law is not invited, so you don’t get a surprise visit over the holiday. If your daughter & bf want to spend some time with her, that is fine. Like young couples have done for generations, they can have 2 Christmases or alternate between families.

Shit no you are not obligated!!!

I’m sure you are not the only one feeling that way toward someone like that. Don’t feel bad about not wanting her there. Tell your daughter and the baby daddy together but in a very sincere way, like you tried everything you could to entertain her but you were burnt and your son was not able to be there because of her. I would maybe ask their opinion, and will go from there, you know showing them you are all ears.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

If you do decide to have her over again. Set up some boundaries. If she makes a comment about your food preparation or critises you then say something like “I don’t appreciate that comment. This is my house and the way I do things”.

As far as saying “she’s never been to a thanksgiving like this before and her husband used to do x y z” I actually don’t think that’s snarky at all. I think that’s just making conversation and pointing out a difference not criticism.

I’m wondering if you are confusing her conversation with criticism. For instance, if her comment while you are cooking was “I make my lasagna with eggs”. I would respond with “I’ve never had it like that before, maybe you can make some next time” I wouldn’t think oh she is insulting my lasagna but rather pointing out a difference.

If you find she is hovering in the kitchen, she probably wants you to assign a job to her. “Hey can you dice this, peel that”.

But again, you don’t need to do anything. You can not invite her and keep her at arms length. Just be aware the daughter might then split her day especially when the kid is born. Ie. She will come to yours for lunch and then his mums for dinner or she will see you alternating Christmas.

It sounds not ideal but, as others are saying, it would be a good to see how you might be able to include her. You are going to share a grandchild. Find a way to come together. And maybe just put the football game on so she can watch it while you do other family things. And you can absolutely kick her out of the kitchen or ask her to bring a dish she loves to have at the Christmas dinner table. Others have also made the point that this is maybe her second set of holidays without her husband, which is hard. If you don’t include her then your daughter is going to be choosing between families for every set of holidays, and if her MIL doesn’t have other family, then it’s going to be hard not to choose her without your daughter being a jerk, and that’s not a great position to put your daughter in.

Maybe that’s the problem “ you’re considerably younger”…. And has not yet learned the nuances of hospitality

Your hostility toward both the man your daughter chose and his mother is striking. You manage to reduce your future son in law to “this person” and his mother to an exhausting obligation, as if neither quite qualifies as fully human. You claim you were being welcoming, yet describe their presence as something to endure. That is not hospitality. That is barely concealed resentment.

You are not required to invite anyone for Christmas, but stop framing this as guilt or etiquette. You simply do not like these people and resent having to share your daughter, and soon your grandchild, with them. And yes, once the baby arrives, these people will exist permanently. If that feels intolerable, the problem is not them. That is the truth you are dancing around.

Is your home the only option for Christmas? Are there other relatives or friends homes that she could be invited to? If not, your choice then becomes knowing she may be sitting home alone on a holiday and the potential affect that may have on your daughter and partner. Or having a conversation with the woman and trying to move forward so that interactions can be more positive. This situation sounds new to both of you. If you have a talk and things are still difficult, you will then be able to say to your daughter and her partner that you tried.

Not only should you NOT invite her, you need to make it crystal clear to your daughter and BD that his mother made you uncomfortable, you didn't enjoy the day and you don't want her there for Christmas. If you don't put your foot down now, in your OWN home, she's going to make your life miserable until there's an explosion causing a rift that will never heal.

I think you should have a talk that they can’t just assume anyone and everyone can join and have to ask. Would she invite you over for Christmas?

Tell your daughter and her bf to spend 1 day with his mom and the other with day with you. ( Either Christmas Eve or Christmas day)

Hopefully they take the hint and do not invite his mom to your house.

Let your daughter know that she is going to have to entertain MIL while at your house. She needs to keep her busy and away from you in order to avoid the MIL getting uninvited. It’s not your job to babysit their guest and let them know it. They may choose to visit her separately and that’s okay too

You are absolutely NOT obligated to invite her. I’d tell your daughter that only those you have specifically invited are allowed to come. She can spend Christmas Eve with her MIL and Day with you or vice versa.

And I’d be honest with your daughter too. You can’t have someone disrupting your other child and criticizing your holiday.

I think your son might need to get used to her - she’s going to be in your life for a while. And yes, I have a daughter similar to your son. We have regular talks about when visitors come over.

As far as how she approached the holiday - was it her first holiday not hosting? Imagine her previous experience involved her son, her husband, her in the kitchen. Put yourself in her position.

I also think you need to consider what you want your future holidays to look like - is your gradbaby’s dad going to be okay leaving his mom home alone on holidays? If not, your daughter and grandbaby are probably going to be at her house, if she isn’t invited. It’s one day out of your life - show kindness and be the kind of mother you want your daughter to be.

Sorry, but in this case, I think you need to be the bigger person.

Welcome to life honey. The answer is yes, you invite his family if you invite yours, or you move far away.

If this ever happens again do NOT feel obligated to entertain this woman. Go about your business, enjoy your family and direct your daughter's boyfriend to tend to his mother. If she ends up in your kitchen again tell her to please leave because you are working. She is rude, you owe her zero.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

1. Your anxious son needs to start getting used to strangers being around. Coddling and catering to his anxiety will not help him as he grows up. Separate issue though.

2. Daughter needs to have a word with baby daddy and let him know that family functions need a proper head count. We can’t just have extra people showing up. That is rude to the host. Sounds like baby daddy grew up without the proper manners. That should not happen again.

3. You may have to get used to having MIL around. She’s the grandma. Not much you can do about that. Does she need to be at every function? No. And if she is INVITED and acts like a rude bitch again in your house you are well within your rights to nicely set her straight.

First off speak to your daughter, don’t get angry just explain how you feel. She may feel the same way. With that being said, if she does marry this guy you will be forced to deal with her for the rest of your life. Christmas is 2 days in essence, they can spend day with her and eve with you. In the future maybe your daughter will host holidays so it won’t be your problem. Just remember don’t isolate the MIL, your daughter will be in stuck in the middle and will be forced to be pick and you don’t want her having to pick her husband or you.

Don’t play hostess. Do host her if you want your daughter, -and grandchild to attend future gatherings. Make your daughter and her boyfriend her entertainers…out of the kitchen. You can disinvite her in the future if she does something appalling rude, but you don’t describe anything that can’t be redirected right now. 

Your son—I don’t know how old he is—needs to work on his own issues. I’ve no sympathy there. Let’s say in an ideal situation, your daughter had a big wedding, etc. Or the cousins got married. Your kid can choose to limit his exposure but letting his issues dictate who is invited is unfair to everyone else. 

There are commenters that point out it wasn’t boyfriend’s place to invite her. It doesn’t seem to occur to them (or you) that likely your daughter is the one that rubber stamped that decision. She wants the father of the child with her for Christmas, and the only alternative is to skip her own family’s gathering.

In laws are rarely people one would choose as friends. And I am the last person who would attend a family gathering I did not enjoy. But the path you’re putting yourself on now is something that will bite you in the ass eventually, because your kids are going to marry people who love their own families. Whether the “baby daddy” lasts as an in law matters very little—the real thing at stake is what your daughter will remember about this. 

Plenty of grandparents never interact with the other set of grandparents, or interact very little. Now is the time to set up the boundaries that you think will work best long-term. If you are hosting, you should be able to say no to her. If your daughter and son-in-law are hosting, they can set the guest list. 

Can you ensure that the baby daddy isn’t gonna invite her again without your permission?

What you really need to do is figure out how to let your SIL know not to invite his mother. He will not react well and you have to be prepared for that. Because, I would bet, he assumes his mother can come with them for Christmas.

I’d make it clear to your daughter that MIL is not invited to dinner this time & baby daddy needs to tell her so asap. Let them celebrate with her on Christmas Day.

Updateme

Explain you understand how hard traveling to multiple family holidays can be. Ask for clarification on which day they will spend with his family and say you can plan your family gathering the other day. Than work around what they say.

My son in law wanted both his family and my daughter’s family to get together, everyone, for every occasion for a few years. One year I caved and we all spent Thanksgiving together. Except I can’t stand his family. Like not at all, especially his mother. They’re all loud, extremely dysfunctional, very toxic people. And they’re all drinkers - the kind where nobody know when they’ve had enough and people start fist fighting 🤦‍♀️

My son, my ex husband, and myself all found ourselves in the kitchen together because none of us could handle the other people anymore and it was too early to leave. It was unreal and annoying but kind of hilarious at the same time. They probably all thought we were stuck up and no fun, but I didn’t care what they thought.

And we’ve never spent a holiday together since. I’ve straight up told my son in law to give up the dream, it’s not happening.

The moral of the story is no, you’re not obligated to spend holidays together, and you don’t have to invite anybody you don’t want to.

Who you invite is up to you.

However if the lady (mil) heard you refer to your daughter’s PARTNER who she lives with as her ‘future baby daddy’, maybe she felt as snarky about you as you appear to feel about her.

No! You want to be invited places then you need to behave yourself. She acted an ass and you need to tell daughter and pseudo son in law that they need to leave her at home.

If your daughter lives with this guy, he's her partner, not her baby daddy.

NTA. If she couldn’t behave herself as a guest then she shouldn’t be included. It may come to your having to split holidays. And that’s OK.

I feel it would be better for your daughter to keep the 2 sides of the family separate. Otherwise it becomes too enmeshed.

No, you do not have to invite her

You’re not obligated to host anyone in your home.

Having said that, as long as you are referring to people who are extremely important in the lives of your children with terms like the “future baby daddy” you are not exactly putting your best foot forward. This simple dehumanising statement alone makes me wonder if you’re being fair to these people or if you’re letting some personal prejudice you have get in the way of really making a connection with them.

This man is the person your daughter has chosen as her partner and they are making a new family unit together, one that is different and separate from her family of origin (you). You can either accept this and be a part of it or risk seeing your daughter and her child when it arrives less than you otherwise might. It’s up to you but step one is to check yourself and make sure you’re not pushing your daughter away.

Yes, she’s a pain in the ass. But you just said it, she’s a one person household. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable either or doesn’t know how to act in a new environment. Pre game you other son, make sure he’s prepared and how he might deal with this person, she’s new but she may be around a long time and a grandbaby makes her family, along with her son. Give her some grace, embrace her in the spirit of the season. BUT have her son pre game her, she needs to behave and be respectful of you, your family, your home and traditions. If she wants to watch football in another room, let her, if that makes her happy. She can join the family or not, but I bet your SIL will feel better knowing his lonely mom is with him. And all add with the others, if you truly like this young man and come to love him as family, quit calling him Baby Daddy. It’s so demeaning & disrespectful of him and your grandchild. Your daughter can tease him and call him anything she wants, she’s having his baby, you are not. I wish you a blessed holiday season and I hope you think about this and make things comfortable for everyone.

My daughter alternates her holidays because her in-laws live out of town. On our off year we have Grandmas the weekend after. That’s when Grandma gets to spoil her little ones and we still have that family holiday. The rest of the family shows up twice…. It’s more food and fun.

Nope!

Can you talk to your daughter or her partner about this?!?!? It's the most productive way forward.

If you don't you will get less of your daughter and the new baby.

Why does all this fall on you? The baby daddy needs to step up. Edited for clarity.

No. You don't have to have rude people in your house, spoiling your family's time. If you're feeling generous, perhaps have the son talk to her and say she was rude last time and she needs to apologize, and be more pleasant if she wants to have family time with you. Give her one more chance, and if she blows it again, she can go without.

She can have her own holiday ceremonies. I would have sat that son in law down right away and told him he doesn't get to invite people over to my house. Since he already invited his mom I would have tolerated it, like you did, but he needs to be set straight.

Such a male thing to do, and think he can get away with it, without even asking you first.

Obligated? No... you're not required to allow anyone in your home you're uncomfortable with.

But ask yourself if this is the relationship you want with this person? If your child marries the man or is with him for an extended period (baby daddy) as seems likely, then do you want this to always be this way? Talk to her like an adult.

If she critiques, ask if she'd like to help. If she says no, then tell her to go relax in front of the TV. Give her some alcohol (if y'all imbibe) she's likely nervous as well. The quiet child is gonna see her as a stranger until they get more acquainted. Maybe ask her over when not just a holiday...

Sometimes family is a pain in the ass. You're not going to be thrilled with everyone, but what are you going to do? Have them sit home alone on a holiday?

Go ahead, don't invite her, and you know what's going to happen next year? Your daughter and her boyfriend are going to have their own Christmas and invite his mother, and you won't be invited.

Don't create drama where there is none. It's not like she came in and shit on your furniture. You just don't like her that much. It's OK. Suck it up, invite her, and have fun anyway.

When did people lose the ability to sit with a little discomfort and instead let it ruin their entire day?

Maybe she felt uncomfortable and out of place too. It’s a difficult situation but she’s on her own. I personally couldn’t bear to think of my daughter’s MiL being alone on these special days while I celebrated with her son. Could you reach out and spend some time getting to know her a little better so you are both more comfortable with each other? If your daughter and SiL have children in the future you will both be Grandmas together. Will you be happy to give up those celebrations so your daughter, husband and grandchild(ren) can spend that time with her? If the tables were turned and you were alone, how would you feel?