my boyfriend cheated on me for months behind my back. i found out in august, he cried and cried and sobbed literally sobbed threw up for weeks, begged me to stay, and in all fairness he did change. like something switched in him, and he realised he loved me and he is sick at what he did. we’re fine mostly, but i literally think about it everyday. every single day. i understand people some people don’t know what they have till it’s gone but why didn’t he just know. he put me through so much at that time too as he was being so horrible to me and off (clear why). but i love him so much but i cry about it everyday. every single day. but i try and leave him and i actually feel like i can’t live without him it makes me feel sick. he’s changed but im still so hurt. it wasn’t just one person, and the EXTENT HE WENT TO TO LIE, and also accuse me and make me feel bad all the time. he’s changed. but i feel hollow about what happened all the time. were young but i would never do that , i only ever gave him love. idk. i dont even know what advice i want i just want to cry
He's not changed. That wasn't a one-time mistake.
Please don't stay woth a cheater. You will never be able to completely trust him again.
i know, 🫠i literally just hate myself for not leaving and i hate him for what he did but i love him so much also. i just hate that im in this situation i wish it never happened but what can u do
What can you do? You can gather up your self respect and leave him. That way you won’t be back here this time next year crying that he’s cheated again, and you don’t understand why!
That feeling you have inside. It will never go away, that feeling is you knowing that you shouldn’t be treated that way. It’s your discernment and self respect
If you stay with someone you know cheated on you then all the misery that follows is 100% on you. You are choosing to be with a cheater and a liar. Stop gaslighting yourself that he is somehow now a completely different amazing person over night. He is not. He is still a liar and a cheater. He is just better at hiding it now because he learned from his mistakes. If you think he loves you and this is a partner for life then you are extremely naive and gullible. I’m sorry but you need to grow up and grow a backbone, this is ridiculous, you have no self-respect.
valid and real. i would most likely say the same if i was talking to a friend who was going through this. i have bpd and my attatchment is just ridiculous it comes before anything like im not ready for the grief of losing him
i wish you wouldve added the bpd part to the og post, that adds a whole other layer and i would recommend seeing a professional (if you arent already) instead of asking unlicensed redditors
yeah true. i honestly don’t like to acknowledge i have bpd i don’t know why. i feel like it makes me sound like im using it as an excuse
trust me, i would never see that as an excuse, and anyone who does needs to check themselves. its an important factor in this situation and i feel empathy for you! it makes a lot of sense as to why you want to stay, but its still important for you to work towards standing up for yourself and doing whats best for you
Why are you still with someone you apparently resent so much for what he did? He may be "changed", but that doesn't mean he shouldn't work hard to regain your trust. What's he done so far to regain your trust? It sounds like nothing to me, and that's the problem, and makes me think he hasn't changed.
You'll be much happier with him gone at this point.
i don’t even resent him i don’t think, i just feel sad and i also have BPD which i prob alt should have mentioned, i am extremely attatched to him more than the average person i am assuming. he always calls me when he goes out now, he gives me his location when i ask for it, he’s generally very loving. but if i do get upset he doesn’t understand he just gets annoyed at why im bugging him about where he is ect. i know i would at some point be happier but in scared i would regret it and like that fear stops me
Staying after being betrayed and cheated on is trauma bonding. Is that the bond you want your relationship to be built on? A bond of him traumatizing you?
no. wtf is wrong with me that i can’t leave. im so sick of myself
You’re having a hard time leaving because you’ve become emotionally codependent. You have to remove those feelings from him, and pour them into yourself. And not just theoretically, but with your actions. Love yourself more. Take care of yourself, buy yourself nice things, make a list of things you want and work to achieve them, adorn yourself, compliment yourself, and most importantly, decide to only allow people who love you and respect you to experience you, moving forward. Make that a personal nonnegotiable.
The way you talk about yourself is very unhealthy
i have BPD it is probably that
I don’t have bpd and I have a habit of talking about myself like that
we should be kinder to ourselves then it seems
Yep
No...he realized that he'd lose you. That is always different than realizing he loved you. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't cheat. It sounds to me like he's terrified of losing you, the stability you bring. That's not a reason to stay.
i just feel dumb as fuck uhhhhh wtf is wrong w me
You fell in love and trusted him. His actions don't make YOU anything, they make him an ass, a user, a jerk, and an ex (hopefully.)
i never thought of it that way. i am the only stable thing in his life, hes a very dysfunctional person always has been. i never understood how it just SWITCHED so quickly. he literally sobbed and sobbed for weeks but why do it then? why do it.
Because he either has a history of self sabotage or he never thought he'd get caught.
we have spoke about it, he thinks it was self sabotage. he’s cheated on everyone he’s ever been with which i didn’t know. i knew he had a lot of sex before we got together, with a lot of people but i didn’t judge him for it. i wanna forgive him i really do like i really really want to be with him im not ready to grieve him at all
So, here's the issue, more often than not this is a precursor event, not a one off.
"He's cheated on everyone he's ever been with" + "he cheated on me" =.... "he's changed"?
Girl how did he change? He's demonstrated clearly that he's stayed completely consistent from his past behaviours.
He will do it again. It's up to you to decide if you're fine with it because if you stay you're basically telling him you're a doormat that will let him.
Also please get yourself tested, that's probably the first time he cheated on you that you know of.
This!! You're trauma bonded and need to seek a professional and get tested ASAP!!!! Like yesterday!!
I'm sorry, but he doesn't love you. He's scared of losing the consistency you bring OP. You need to kick his ass to the curb and focus on learning to love yourself. You can't be in a relationship and love someone without first loving yourself, and you clearly don't. Yes, it's scary, and it hurts right now. Life is scary for us all. But I promise you that once you move forward, you won't look back. I wish you nothing but the best! I hope you can let him go and concentrate on yourself.
Girl me too, my bf was the one to tell me he cheated and that’s the only reason I forgave him. You FOUND OUT, you might of never ever known because he sure as hell wasn’t gunna tell you. Do you really wanna be married to him and wonder if he’s cheating. You probably have a beautiful soul and I already know you’ve poured yourself in this guy, take what you have with you and pour your love into a man who pours more for you!
thank you🥲 i know. that plays on my mind everyday. imagine i didn’t find out like oh my god i can’t even fathom it. i just want to cry and im feeling super sorry for myself, i just need to get a grip and sort my life out but why do i have to love him so much. i’m sorry your bf cheated wouldn’t wish it on anyone girl
Cheated on to cheated on we know the pain, but girl don’t tell yourself you need to get a grip or that you need to move on and leave him. If it takes time to let the love die, it takes time. You deserve better and the relationship will eventually end but take ur time into processing all your hurt. I’m here for u girl!
Could you tell me your ages so I can reaffirm and feel vindicated in my beliefs?
i’m 22 he’s 21
Thank you 🦭
wait what are ur beliefs
Younger people are either selfish in their choices or they have built up such high expectations that they are blinded to when someone is a bad person even when they reveal themselves to be bad.
Such strong denial that they'll ascribe themselves to a self-destructive loyalty to a person undeserving of it and constantly begin lying to themselves that this bad person is still somehow "the one". They learn one of 3 things. They settle into the toxic relationship and are constantly shocked as the partner goes into a cycle of love bombing and shows of deep affection and remorse and eventually cycles into callousness, witholding affection/time, and gaslighting. They leave and become numb, anxious, or hateful of men/women. They contend with the fact that you can't ever really know a person and that's okay--trust is earned and can also be lost--it hurts when it's lost but is its own reward to know early on that this person wasn't deserving of your entire life. Rather than waste your life together you can move on and find someone else deserving of your trust.
Then the selfish people are those who cheat, spend money endlessly without regards for the future, can't even fathom what their partners' needs may be without having them spelled out, aren't curious about their partners' interests even just as a show of interest in the individual to show they care. It's a lot more of a simple mindset tbh because it's essentially animalistic.
why is this SO accurate and makes sense, how old are you? have u been through things to come to this understanding
Cause I've been there lmao. I'm 26 but I've been through more dates than my pride is comfortable saying. It's more embarrassing because nearly all of them I had went into, I had went into seriously--not idle dalliances. But we live, lose, learn, laugh. That's how these things go. It's vindicating to look back at other younger people and know I've grown because it means I'm that much closer to becoming who I'm meant to be.
You’re not happy , walk away. If you stay you’re miserable . Is that the life you truly want?????
He didn't change; he pretended to change long enough until he felt you'd fallen for it then he went back to his old ways of being horrible to you. Someone who loves you won't make you cry, they won't say horrible things to you, they won't hurt you, they won't need to promise to change because they will already be good to you. Let yourself mourn this relationship, block him, and never speak to him again.
Listen to your heart, and not to those who tell you that a cheater remains a cheater for life, or that when you love someone you never cheat. Humans are far more complex than that.
He's only sorry he got caught. Was he thinking of you when cheating? Betrayal is the worst. If you love him. Can forgive. Try therapy alone and ask him too. He has to feel your trauma. Even then your trust is gone. Healing may take time. Or never come.
So every time his phone dings who is it. Every time he has plans. Where is he. Can your heart handle it. ? Good luck. Be strong and know YOU deserve honesty.
Every day you wake up next to him, is another day in your future you have lost.
Look up trauma bonds! As someone in the same boat many years back, I regret not leaving sooner!
It’s completely okay to feel this way what he did was a huge betrayal, and even if he’s changed, your feelings and pain are valid. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to grieve what happened while figuring out if trust can really come back 💔