My (33M) wife (34F) and I have a 1.5 year old toddler and live in Canada, while my mother lives in the US. Ever since we had our daughter, she keeps pressuring us to go visit her in the states. What she doesn’t understand is that travelling with a toddler is much more difficult than travelling alone. My daughter needs a car seat, stroller, books, toys etc. which usually takes up one luggage, while my wife and I bring our own luggage. Every single time my mother and I talk on the phone, she says stuff like “my granddaughter is growing up without seeing her grandmother”. I have often invited to pay for her flight to come visit us in Canada but she says it’s time for us to visit her and enjoy a visit to the states. It’s gotten to the point where every time I call her she asks “when are you going to come visit me?”. It’s putting a massive strain on my relationship with her because I am avoiding calling her. And I don’t want to distance my relationship from my mother. I love her.
At this point, I have no idea how to get around this other than go visit her in the US with the entire family. It’s also hard for my family and I to take time off work, due to the nature of our jobs. She knows this, but still insists that we visit her. She just isn’t willing to meet half way.
I’d really appreciate some advice on this. Like, if you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Thank you in advance.
I wouldn't feel guilty at all. It's so much easier for her to make the trip it makes no sense.
"I have often invited to pay for her flight to come visit us in Canada but she says it’s time for us to visit her and enjoy a visit to the states."
You offered a solution and she doesn't want a solution, she wants to dictate. Visit when YOU want and dont fall for the guilt trips.
First, depending on how you plan to travel, this would require getting your daughter a passport.
Second, what your mom is doing is manipulative and dismissive, and it shows a lack of understanding. Traveling with a toddler is difficult, and it’s reasonable to say no. You can calmly explain that and repeat the same explanation each time without engaging further. Right now, she’s expecting everything to revolve around her. She was once the mother of a toddler herself, so this shouldn’t be hard for her to understand. And even if she doesn’t remember, she should still be supportive of you and your wife, which she clearly isn’t being. She's making this about her!
Say the following each and every time she asks about it:
That's it. That is all you have to say. You say this until and when she hears it!
Yes. It’s not a negotiation, it’s a logistical fact. Her refusal to acknowledge the 1.5-ton toddler-shaped elephant in the room isn't your burden to carry. Your only line: "We'll visit when you do." Period. The guilt ends where her selfishness begins.
You have offered her an alternative that would ensure she sees her grandchild that's so important, yet she chooses not to do that. If she wants to be awkward and controlling the result is not going to be your compliance, it's going to be you going lc because you want to avoid the strain she is creating. Tell her this. You have an alternative so take it or quit bitching.
Tell her the distance is the same both ways and if she really wants to see her grandkid she can travel to you. And hang up.
How old is your mother? Does she have any mobility problems? I'm in my 70's and I travel 1,500 miles 4 times a year to visit my only adult child, their spouse and 3 grandchildren. While I would love to have them visit me, it would make a very expensive trip and a challenging one because the 2 yougest kids are 1.5 and 3.5. Not great ages for plane travel. As long as I am physically able to travel, I will do so because I want to know my grandchildren and want them to remember me when I'm gone. When I'm not able to travel like that, I'll pay for them to fly to visit me. But I think the person who an make the trip with the least amount of effort should be the one traveling. Just say "We'd love to see you, Mom. But traveling with a young child and all the equipment is just too much for us."
Explain it just have you have done here. Logistically, it is a lot to travel with a toddler. Not to mention, all the illness that one is exposed to during travel. Tell her in the call that she needs to stop with the guilt talk. It is not helpful and in fact, makes you want to call her less. (Grandmother here...she needs to hear that she is causing you stress and it makes you not want to call).
Consider that your mother wants her granddaughter to see her in her environment in the States. Tell your mother that you can see a time when you all travel to the states to visit her, but not until the child is older. It is simply too much until your child is older.
Grandma here. Unless she is infirmed in some way, it makes alot more sense for her to visit you.
Have you explained to her the logistics are tough? She had you. She knows what traveling with a toddler is like….
Keep reminding her that traveling with a Toddler is hell and for now, it’s easier if she visits you and you are willing to pay for it.
I got remarried recently (my kids dad passed away) and moved 2 to 2.5 hours away from my adult kids. I ALWAYS drive to them to see them. Both my daughters have small children one being two and the other being 5 months. I personally raised five kids and always traveled to my in laws when they were small and it was a pain so I never would put my kids through that, EVER. Your mother is a jerk. If she wants to see you she can come to you or at least offer to meet you halfway if she had physical limitations that made long travel difficult.
Tell her it’s far easier and cost effective for her (1 person) to travel to you than you all(3 people) to travel to her.
Obviously, traveling with a toddler is harder than going alone, but millions of people do it all of the time.
You only have one kid, right? As long as the number of kids is not larger than the number of adults traveling, it isn't a big deal. We have four kids and traveled to see my FIL, who lived 1000+ miles away, once or twice per year when he was alive. When we only had our elder two, we traveled all around Italy and learned to use their train system. A little challenging but totally doable. Get collapsible strollers.
We bought three car seats to keep at my FIL's house for our visits.
Seems you both should take turns visiting. Again, people travel with toddlers all the time. Toddlers don't need many toys with them. Just grab of couple of your daughter's favorites when you go and visit.
It´s not just that is it? Why should they make the effort if she is the one that wants to see the kid? My friend travels to the US from europe every year for a month or soto be part of the life of her granddaugthers. Their father, her son , has only been her once, without the kids. That is an option, you know.
You must have misread the line where I said, "Seems you both should take turns visiting."
No, I read that, but I disagree with it. The new family has absolutely no obligation to travel just because she wants to play granny.
Families are usually about give and take. He doesn't have to travel. That's a clear sign that his mom isn't a priority, and she is free to interpret his actions as such.
It's like with weddings. You can exclude people from weddings, but then don't whine about it when they don't feel warm and fuzzy feelings toward you.
The reasons the OP gave were weak. He doesn't want to go. Coming up with a lame list of "it is so hard because I have one little kid to manage" is disingenuous, and expecting sympathy is entitled when people tote their kids around all the time. Having a toddler isn't a novelty. He doesn't want to go. Own it rather than pretending that it is hard to do.
Have you traveled out of the country with a toddler? Because I can't believe anyone who has actually done it would think his reasons are weak.
Two toddlers, actually. Two plane changes, 16-hour trip on the plane.
Canada to US would have been a breeze by comparison, as Customs in and out isn't that big a deal.
Sure. rolls eyes
Not all family dynamics are the same. Why should a mom be a priority in the life of adults that have started their own family? Their own family shuld always be the priority. She is the one with the wish to see the kid, so she should take the steps to do so. And yes, I do think that the reason he gives is a front for many others that he doesn´t want to be judged on here, but whatever reason, he does not, never, have an obligation to go to his mother to show the grandkid.
Also it is very nice for all the other people that travel by planes if parents with babies and toddlers do not travel as they can be a right nuisance because it is not fun for them and not all sleep all the way. You could see it as a courtesy not to bring a little one on board of a plane....
Just tell her what you said here. “Mom enough already. We are not flying to see you. Right now we still need to bring too much stuff. When she’s older we can travel more. We can get her a car seat there and leave it with you to use. Right now it’s easier for you to come here. I’ll buy the ticket for you to come. We want for you to see her more and for now please come here.”
Two thought: first, schedule a trip to visit her in 2026. Tell her when. Is a 2 year old easy to travel with, no, but so really doable. It can’t be all on your mom.
Second-invite her at specific times. Not a general you are welcome at any time. Please come up for cuz, we’d really love you here.
My experience. mostly my mom (80 now) visits us (note my kids are now 25 and 22). She live almost 1000 miles away. I have a sister and brother with kids from teens to adults, closest 250 miles from my mom. My mom always made her way to us in a big loop, driving. She is a road warrior!
But we always had a time where all of us would go visit her (holiday time or just a week), so we could be together and it’s not all on her. Not every year, but planned well. We just did an 80th get together at a huge Airbnb where we came to her as close as possible
Tell her you are not comfortable coming to the States with the way they are treating people who cross the border.
I don’t get why this is not being addressed more.
Make a firm plan with mom for a future visit to her in whatever unit of time from now that seems plausible - unless of course you might have toddler #2 by then. In mom's defense, if you are planning on more than one the travel with only one will be much easier; also it doesn't get any 'easier' just different as they age. Travel with a toddler can be frustrating but many do it regardless. It shouldn't be considered a measure of love (not that your mom has said this).
Yeah it's hard to travel let alone across a border with a toddler. She's chosen to forget how difficult it can be. I just say well until she's older and I mean seven or eight and we don't have to haul all sorts of crap with us like a stroller and a ton of toys and diapers and everything else we require, we're not traveling to the US. If you want to come visit us great give us a call and let us know what date you're thinking about we'll look at our calendar and we'll let you know if it works for us. Otherwise I guess it's just going to be FaceTime or video chats since we're not coming there and you can't get yourself to the airport and fly here which would be a heck of a lot easier for you to do versus the three of us and a lot cheaper for you to travel travel versus US traveling to you.
As a grandmother myself I would gladly travel to see my grandchild if I was invited to do so. Your mother can visit you easier than you can visit her. That is a fact. Simply tell her that. And leave it at that. If she is too selfish to understand that you have a mom issue. I do what I can to help relieve the stress from my daughter. She’s a stay at home mom and I know she gets overwhelmed and tired. So I try and take the grandchildren when I can to give her a break. That is what a mother does when she cares about her child more than herself. I work full time and am only home on the weekends. So my time is extremely limited. But it’s worth it to see my grandchildren.
Tell her to stop nagging you and she is damaging the relationship. You are keeping your family safe by not traveling. Tell her if she feels that strongly she needs to face time frequently and to get herself up to see you all. Period. You aren’t creating the challenge- she is.
She isn’t the center of attention and top adult anymore. You are.
Your mom is being manipulative and she knows it!!!! There is one answer, and you have given it to her. Keep repeating it until you are done.
Mom, we will not be traveling to the states with baby for several years. I’m ready to buy you a round trip ticket for a visit. Just say when!
As a Canadian, I wouldn’t step foot in the states, so that would be one more reason not to go.
Have a conversation where you state “mom, I know this is not what you want to hear but we are not going to visit you in the states for the foreseeable future. We would love for you to come here and I am happy to pay for your flight. It is upsetting that you keep ignoring what I have said and keep bringing up us visiting you. In future when you bring up visiting the states I will end the conversation and we can talk later when you are not going to bring it up.”
And hold firm to that. If she brings it up, say “mom I love you and I told you this was not up for debate. I will talk to you another time when I am not upset. Goodbye.” Then don’t talk for a few days.
With people like this, if you don’t hold firm to your boundaries they will happily walk all over you to the detriment of your work, you family, and your other relationships. Your child is now your primary responsibility, not a grown woman’s feelings.
Assuming she is also Canadian she can visit and let’s see if she can get back in the US.
She absolutely does understand it, she had you right? She knows at least a little bit about what life with a toddler is like.
You need to put the hammer down, “mom, if you mention this every time we talk I’m going to stop talking to you. Right now is a terrible time to fly with a toddler, plus we have work and obligations we need to deal with. You’re more than welcome to visit us so you can see her, but we will not be traveling down there until she’s a bit older.”
Everything you say is correct and makes sense, especially if you offer to help with plane tickets.
But I also don’t think it’s fair for you to never visit. I have a similar situation with my family, and especially with only one kid, it’s really not impossible.
Think of ways to lighten the load. For example… my mom has always bought diapers to have at her house, plus a sippy cup, rubber plate, etc. She even bought a pack n play (and now, because he’s older, a toddler bed), a high chair and a car seat. Nothing fancy! Many of the big things have been used. And it all stays at her house, so we have it every time we’re there.
Is that an option to lighten the travel load? If not, there are so many travel-friendly options these days that you could look into.
I’m not saying you always go to her, nor am I saying she shouldn’t accommodate you more often because it is cheaper and less work. I am saying that never going isn’t fair.
Return the favor. Every time she starts, say it back. "Mom, when are you going to come see us?"
Does she feel abandoned? Because you live in Canada not in the USA?
I would not feel bad. At the very least, you all traveling to see her costs 2-3 times as much (multiple tickets vs 1).
If you still need a Christmas gift for her, buy her a gift card for an airline!!! Then it’s totally on her to come visit.
Ask her to pick a time that works for her for a visit. I would tell her that traveling is too difficult for your family at this time. Tell her you will purchase a plane ticket for her to visit you (ensuring she has a passport, of course) during that time.
If she refuses, tell her that when she is ready to travel, she only has to coordinate with you and you will find a time that works for all of you.
Mom is not “making” you feel guilty! You’re doing that to yourself.
I think it’s time for TOUGH LOVE - perhaps even show Mom this post.
I can relate to this. When my kids were young even when my son was. A newborn and daughter a toddler it was always expected we’d travel to visit the in laws. We were expected to visit all the extended family none of them ever came when I said no more.
Stand your ground.
invite her to visit you and tell her that's how it has to be until your child is 7
I would tell her that your job and circumstances are such that she will have to do the traveling during this period of the child's development. It is the only practical solution given that it is a third of the cost for her to come to you, instead of you taking you husband and child to see her at her home.
Without knowing your mom's citizenship status, I will assume she can travel to you easily and return without much trouble. Things have changed at our borders in the US, unfortunately.
If any of your family members aren't US citizens or don't have a passport, you may have trouble getting out of Canada.
Tell her Canadians are not allowed to go to the US, without losing your Canada club card.
We had a similar issue with in law parents. We took pto to see her dad. The issue was that pto reduction made taking other time off more limited.
She can only make you feel guilty if you let her get to you. You need to know and believe that you have offered solutions and she won't take you up on that. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
As a mom who has been travelling with her toddler since 4 mths, I don't see why you can't make a trip. Sure it's a bit of work, but visiting other places is also fun and your babes will learn how to adapt. They're amazing. If you're doing it out of guilt then that's never the solution, but if you really would like your child to know their grandma, go for it!
I am 74 W, mother of one. Your mother is being completely unreasonable. You have generously offered her a plane ticket to visit you and your family.
Stop discussing it. Tell her it is a firm no. “Mom, I am not in a position to travel and I am done arguing. Contact me when you want to schedule a visit that we can fit into our schedule. I am hanging up now.”
Then hang up.
There is no way I’d recommend any foreigner of any color or any country, come to the US right now.
Your mother is either MAGA or ignorant of the risk. US citizens are being arrested and detained spending hours in custody being released.
Babies under two travel for free on a lap. You don't need as much stuff as you think to travel for a week. Tell your mom to check out a few kids books from the library, and have a box of diapers and baby food waiting. A small fold up stroller, and a car seat should be easily hauled by two adults. Travel with one suitcase. I've traveled with an infant frequently as a single parent. Stop complaining and go visit your mom.
Say: Great idea! Absolutely! We just need (name) to be a little more settled in. So much to handle, you know!! New parents, and all that. DON'T want to travel in THIS weather, for sure! Will you have (crib, toys, equipment) on hand, or do you need us to bring all that? Maybe you can find some of that stuff at the thrift store( give her a job).Sometime in 2026, for sure!! Meantime, why don't you come HERE? ( Have some pivots at the ready - how's everyone where you are? Ask after friends/neighbors you know, her garden,etc. Do you think life is insular for her these days? Might be another avenue, for what's going on...)
There are BEAR closets at churches where people can borrow baby equipment.