Hey Reddit long time lurker first time poster and I'm in desperate need of advice!
I 24F recently started a new job and one of my coworkers 36M “Ben” will not leave me alone. Here's how it started, when I was hired I was told about Ben’s brain injury/damage and I had no problem with that and I was actually interested in being his friend.
On my first day after our morning meeting he didn't say anything to me just passed his phone to me to put my number in, I figured that this was just how he was and it was for work reasons. BIG mistake, I handed his phone back and the first thing he said was "I'll have to be careful about what I send to you"... weird (now creepy), but i figured he just wasn't really all there and didn't really know what he was saying.
A few days later I was outside on my break and he was out there with me, he had been following me around everywhere since i started (to the point where I now spend all day looking over my shoulder trying to avoid him, making my job harder then necessary) and very clearly has a massive crush on me. he was talking to me about how he was going to need a cuddle buddy soon clearly implying he wanted me to be that person, ever since that l've been uncomfortable. I'm engaged and he knows that, everyone at my job does. my fiancée was my +1 to our Christmas party and I talked about being engaged to the group on my first day.
I get that he has a brain injury/damage but he's pushed me to the point where I don't care, because here's the thing. he drives, lives on his own, has been on a plane by himself before, drinks alcohol, knows the difference between something serious and humorous (all things he’s told me himself) so he has a decent understanding of right and wrong but most importantly IM UNCOMFORTABLE.
Ben keeps making unwanted comments, touching, gifts, sending messages and invading my personal space and privacy. Ive had 3 separate coworkers tell me that every morning he goes into my locker, to the point where after he did it one morning another coworker checked my locker to see what he was so invested in (i only had a bag of dirt in there for my plants at work) so he was really confused on why Ben was going in there daily. After I was told this, I put a lock on my locker (we are a very tight knit group so it wasn't necessary before as no one had a lock) I never had anything valuable in there but it's still my locker and I have a right to not have someone invading my privacy.
I had already brought up how Ben was making me uncomfortable to my manager (who literally fell from heaven or something, he's truly a 1 in a million boss) he addressed the locker thing in one of our meetings as to not single Ben out. after work Ben messaged me about how that was his food and his container that was in his locker, basically just admitting to being guilty about going into my locker as the meeting was more about respecting other’s personal space and privacy, not about food theft. I had also said nothing about it in the meeting just nodded. I was and still am the only person who has a lock after that.
After I showed my manager the messages Ben had been sending me including songs that “remind him of me” my manager told me to block his number.
On my last day before I left for Christmas holidays he basically wouldn’t leave my side, saying we should hang out and get drinks. He hugged me without consent once as I was gathering things to leave, then as I was leaving he was blocking the door and again hugged me, I gave one of those awkward side hugs more just trying to slip past him. I already have issues with being touched, especially by men ( trauma for my childhood… yes it’s unfortunately what you’re all probably thinking, I’m also a somewhat still recovering agoraphobic) and Ben has now literally backed me into a corner multiple times sending me into fight flight or freeze usually freeze. I’m now losing sleep over this, writing this at 3am.
my manager (and fiancé) are aware of everything I’m saying here and is planning on having a serious conversation with Ben the next time our HR lady? is at our location (very lovely lady, not exactly sure what her role is, just that she’s the person just below the owner of the company) however she doesn’t come to our location very often and with it being Christmas I know this more then likely won’t happen till the new year.
My fiancé told me to make a seen if he does it again, I want that to be my last resort…but it’s coming very close to that.
How do I make it clear (firmly yet empathetic to his condition) that all he is to me is a coworker and that he needs to leave me alone unless it’s work related? Because at this point I’m past annoyed and irritated and now I’m just getting angry. if it was any of the other guys I work with I would’ve told them to kick rocks after the first comment. Ben’s brain injury does not change the fact that what he is doing to me is harassment. I love this job and my coworkers but this is pushing me to want to find a new job.
Anyone who has went through something similar or knows how to make it clear to him please help me!
Disabled people can still sexually harass you and engage in workplace sexual harassment.
I also was sexually harassed at work in a very similar way by my manager who was physically disabled.
It took me a long time to realise that the right thing to do was to stand up for myself, even if I felt that man was disadvantaged and I felt bad for him.
I sued him for $13,000
I’m so sorry to hear that, money doesn’t change what happened but I’m glad he suffered the consequences of his actions
Yes he had to resign. But of course he wouldn’t have disclosed why and what he did to his new employer. But I hope he learnt not to do it again
That’s messed up! he should absolutely have disclosed that even more so because of it going to court
Yep. They basically face no consequences…
But it didn’t go to court, the employer settled it privately. (They do this when they don’t want the story to become public)
You’re not overthinking this, his behavior is inappropriate, injury or not. You can be clear without being cruel: “Ben, I’m only comfortable with a work-only relationship. Please stop messaging me, touching me, or following me.” Keep everything documented and don’t hesitate to speak up if it happens again!
Thank you, I feel like I have been going insane! question myself daily as to if I’m enabling his behaviour or not. This job has really helped me find my voice and I’m still finding it, i didn’t speak out about it until 3 weeks into the job after he gave me a second gift that I found in my locker when I came into work before the meeting addressing the lockers
I really like how the comment frames it as clear not cruel. Short, direct, no emotional padding. The more you soften it, the more some people take it as negotiation. Boundaries aren’t debates. Work-only means work-only.
I wouldn’t say you’re enabling him, but you’re not stopping him or even telling him to stop. TELL HIM TO STOP. Don’t wait for HR. Tell him directly “do not touch me” “leave me alone” “you’re making me really uncomfortable”
If he is able to hold a job, his brain injury *isn’t preventing him from understanding the word no.
You’re right, I’ve really just been trying to avoid him because I don’t like conflict but I’m at my wits end and I’m telling him flat out to leave me alone unless it involves work and he really has no reason to talk to me at work to begin with
If you’re able to be more direct with him before meeting with HR it will give more of a leg to stand on. Because you haven’t listed a single time you have outright told him you are uncomfortable it can be seen as a “misunderstanding”. Once the words leave your mouth he is on the hook for harassment.
You don’t like conflict but you’re allowing someone else to make you feel uncomfortable in your place of business. You need to stand up for yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to be cruel or cause a scene. It means you know you have every right to take up space and be heard
Let me be clear that I am NOT saying that this is your fault. But by trying to avoid conflict by speaking up for yourself, you’re not stopping the behavior from happening to you. You’re not even letting him know that you don’t want him to do these things. You’re inadvertently creating more conflict for yourself because you don’t want to say “NO!!!” This is something I learned with time - I used to be like you too! Now I speak my mind and no one walks all over me.
Your manager isn’t as good as you claim. He should have dealt with this after the first time you showed him the texts. Telling you to block him was a mistake. He should have had a meeting with Ben that day or the next. You need to insist something be done now. You need to email your manager & HR writing out everything Ben has done to create a paper trail.
I can assure you my manager is really good, best boss I’ve ever had, it’s just the business we are in is extremely fast paced and we don’t have enough bodies for what we do (9 people doing the jobs of about 15) not his fault the owners cheap and only let him hire 1 new person after me
These problems come with the job almost everywhere if you are a manager. It’s literally what you get paid extra to do.
Harassment trumps every other priority.
You're not enabling him, he's seriously overstepping your personal boundaries and he knows it.
Definitely continue reporting his extremely inappropriate behaviour, document it, the works.
I would also agree with the next time it happens, say very loudly that he's making you very uncomfortable and if he tries to touch you and/or hug you, again, say very loudly that he doesn't have your permission to do any of that.
Should the situation drag on in regards to the HR situation, mention that you will have to involve the law, because brain injury/disability regardless, your physical and mental wellbeing are at risk.
Thankfully my manager is a wonderful man, our workplace is unfortunately just very busy and he deals with ever little thing and is always getting calls from our other locations. he would have already had this nipped in the bud by now if he wasn’t being pulled In 100 different directions as soon as he gets to work (another reason why it took so long for me to say something)
I am a manager. Harassment is the top priority of all top priorities.
The moment you let him know about this, he should have been on it above everything else. While he is not on the hook before you told him, as soon as he was made aware he should have brought HR into the picture and put an action plan in place.
The job of a manager is. Not to be a nice guy (or gal) that everybody likes. His/her job is to ensure that the people who report to him are able to do their jobs effectively, according to company priorities and without harassment. This sometimes means you can’t be agreeable to everyone and need to speak some harsh truths. This is one of those times.
Please listen to this OP. He’s not a wonderful manager if he’s not considering the welfare and wellbeing of his staff. Harassment is extremely serious and he should he doing everything possible to address it.
Sure, a real wonderful man. When is he going to do something, when you wind up missing one day? When they find you chopped up in pieces in the woods somewhere? You've spoken to him about this several times and he's doing nothing.
I would suggest unblocking him long enough to send a very clear message:
Do not contact me about anything except work. Only contact me thru work communication methods.
And it's apparently recommended to mute someone instead of blocking, so that you have a paper trail if it becomes a stalking issue/something that needs police involvement.
Oh god i didn’t even consider that it could go that far, I only blocked him today well last night I guess now as I’m over him sending me things and he really has no reason to talk to me even at work. My job is very important for me to pay attention to details and constantly have to look over my shoulder and trying avoid him is going to cause lots of problems… i can’t do my job hiding in the bathroom
This is sexual harassment. Treat it as such. Treat him just like you would any other person who is harassing you.
You don't have a good manager by the way. They are being seriously passive about this. A good manger would have shut this down immediately, none of this wishy washy shit.
Hr needs to drive out there ASAP, not whenever they feel like showing up.
You go back to your manager and tell them they need to stop all this today. No dancing around his feelings. Tell him this is sexual harassment and you wouldn't want to see the workplace open itself up to a lawsuit because of a failure to act.
The next time Ben tries to hug you, corner you, or get in your personal space or anything like that, you need to raise your voice a little and sternly tell him to back away. Sternly & loudly tell him he's making you uncomfortable, you have a fiance, and he is being very inappropriate. Follow up with telling Ben that if he continues to harass you, you will involve HR and/or the police because his behavior is not okay. You are not attracted to him, you will not be friends with him outside of work, and tell him to stop making things uncomfortable for you.
Stop "being nice," side hugs, and giving in to his crap. He knows exactly what he's doing and hes betting on you staying quiet and putting up with his harassment. Put a stop to it by being vocal and direct. Make others take note when you loudly tell him he's making you uncomfortable and to stop. He does not want the attention and embarrassment on himself so he will stop once you do this.
I would be investing in a wearable, discreet camera for your own protection.
You boss is not doing their job. Relationships and dispute resolution is a large part of managements responsibilities, I appreciate you feel they "fell from heaven" but the fact is, they are dropping the ball. This is something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible, not just when some random HR lady comes in. He is circumventing his duties, and you need to be assertive in telling him this, and that you are in danger and this co-worker is a liability. You also need to ensure there is a record of these conversations with the manager, and send an email so that there is a paper trail.
You sound like you are in danger. You are not overreacting, you are not making a big deal out of nothing, you are being harrassed. You may doubt yourself as you had a horrible experience when you were younger, but the fact is you shouldn't doubt yourself - this is absolutely unacceptable behaviour.
You need to be much louder and more assertive about this, for your own safety. Unsure where you live and what safety measures you are allowed (ie: pepper spray) but investing in self defense lessons is something every young woman should know.
This person has enough brain capacity to know what they are doing, do not make the mistake of allowing the "brain damage" to be an excuse. It's not.
If all else fails, you need to make a police report. Unwarranted touching, stalking and inappropriate behaviour needs to be documented in as many places as possible.
You need to be more direct with this invidual and say "no, im not comfortable with you touching me." You do not need to be empathetic with someone who is harrassing you. It is not your job to moderate how you speak to them, you need to make it clear on every occasion that they are being inappropriate. It appears this person is taking advantage of the fact they have plausible deniability if you are "nice" about it, so you need to start being direct. You need to be assertive, not agressive, not empathetic - assertive This is serious, and there is a huge potential for you to be in serious danger.
I'm so fucking sorry youre going through this. As a woman who has gone through the same, my heart aches for you. You are losing sleep, and I'm sure watching over your shoulder, and this is shaking up things in your past. Sending all my care and compassion to you.
To recap: It's time for your boss to step up and understand the seriousness of this - also that the company has a liability on their hands. Its also time to please invest in self defence in a proactive way, not reactive (self defense lessons for peace of mind, the camera and pepper spray if not illegal). Record and document as much of this behaviour as possible, and please take proactive steps to ensure your safety (not being alone with this person, making others aware of this behaviour, police report) and you should please take the time to learn how to be assertive
Edit: I elaborated a little more on point 7
Depending on the job and jurisdiction(*), a camera and/or recording device could be a problem. I would probably advise OP against this.
Agree 100% with everything else you say.
(*) In some jurisdictions it is illegal to record a person without their express consent; some workplaces have strong rules against cameras and recordings, and OP could lose the job over this.
He has the physical presence and strength of a grown man so anyone would be scared / uncomfortable with this. It’s great you have a good boss as this is actually his/the company’s responsibility to solve as it is their responsibility to ensure a safe environment for their workers. Please try not to feel like this is your responsibility alone so solve. People with brain injuries often have support workers who help them with job placements. If he has one your boss could speak to them?
As your colleagues are aware ask them to help run interference. If they see Ben approach you etc then can say “come on Ben leave the girl alone she’s trying to work” “ she’s engaged Ben so that’s not appropriate”. If he is getting his behaviour visible called out from everyone else that’s going to make it awkward for him. At the moment, no one is saying anything
True that! It's frustrating how some guys think they can ignore boundaries, with or without a brain injury. Respect is key.
Confront him to his face without a scene If he doesn't listen tell your manager and that if he harasses you again you'll make a scene
This is what my fiancé has been saying I just don’t want to actually have to go from 0 -100 (more of a cryer then a screamer) I’m really hoping my manager does something soon as we have a new girl I’d guess her to be 20 if not younger, starting next week and I don’t want him to start doing this to her
He 100% will do this to her, my gf works with special needs adults and a few of them are like this
There is 0 excuse for harassment, hope it works out well and you should keep an eye on the girl
I’m definitely going to, as soon as she gets to work I’m taking her to get a lock for her locker and telling her to not give Ben her number, she was already informed about him the same way I was but she shouldn’t have to deal with it (she cute and young so I already know he’s going to try)
Actively try to remove your emotion from it when you confront him about this. All you have to do is say " no, you are making me uncomfortable. Please get away from me and leave me alone."
Start looking at him this way: he knows what he's doing is wrong. He was sheepish and said something to you after the meeting about the locker. It's obvious that he knows what he's doing is wrong, yet he continues to make you uncomfortable because he's selfish, weird, and manipulative. In any other setting would you allow this? Would you allow someone on the street to follow you home? To give you hugs? No. This man is a stranger, you just happen to work in the same building. This has nothing to do with being nice, or any type of emotional confrontation. You need to be stern, raise your voice loudly so everyone can hear, and tell him to get away from you, stop calling, stop texting stop leaving notes, he is making you uncomfortable, and that if he doesn't stop right now you are filing a police report.
Do precisely that and make sure it's all written and easily probable. Email and texts. Written notice that is completely clear. Treat him as a person because his disability has nothing to do with this. People with some cognitive disabilities are much the same as children and that doesn't mean you should infantilize them and let them walk all over you--childten and disabled individuals both still need clear and firm boundaries which must also be reinforced. That means you state the boundary and when it's breached you make them realize what they did was wrong and there will be consequences. If he's doing everything else you said though then I suspect he's using his slight disability as a crutch and excuse to skirt accountability for his actions.
Just write as clear and formal of a message to him as possible, CC or BCC your manager in the email so he knows there's oversight which knows of this and won't tolerate him doing anything. It's to discourage him from doing anything rash
I had a chef with a TBI , chefs aren't known for emotional regulation so it wasn't noticeable at first but fuckin hell... this man had no sexual or social impulse control. Trying to talk to him about it was like talking to a wall. I also worked a few weeks in a kitchen that employed people with injuries, speacial needs, etc... a few of the people( men and women) had zero impulse control and it barely registered to them when you brought it up. My point being this might not be a talking situation for you, your work needs to take action on your behalf. Also if he gets fired do everything in your power to hide any personal information you can on the internet
as someone with a loved one suffering from severe agoraphobia, i just want to say im so proud of you for being able to make it out of the house!! going to work everyday (especially with the ben of it all) is no small feat!! i hope this all gets resolved for you soon🩷
He needs to be held to the same standard as everybody else when it comes to how he interacts with coworkers. It’s not on you to take his medical issues into account. You need to insist on being treated in an appropriate manner by every coworker and it’s not your responsibility to make that happen. It’s your employer’s.
Your company can make reasonable accommodations to have an employee who has medical issues like Ben’s. And they should make reasonable accommodations to do that.
But you being uncomfortable and harassed is not reasonable. He needs to meet a certain standard of behavior when it comes to other employees and he’s not doing that.
Tell your manager that it’s unacceptable and it needs to stop immediately. And it doesn’t need to wait for the HR lady. And document everything.
I’m going to encourage you not to mention your issues with being touched and trauma. You don’t have to have trauma not to want someone doing the things that he’s doing and it isn’t going to help your case to talk about it with your employer.
I fill in at another plant every 3 weeks and there is a man with a traumatic head injury there. He has poor impulse control. He also says inappropriate things too. I finally had to push him and tell him to cut this shit out at work. I was getting something for him and he pressed his body on mine against a shelf. He stopped after this. He then got tresspassed by the police from the gas station by our work for saying something sexual to the cashier. He texted me yesterday to tell me he was fired from the plant for someone getting upset at something he said. I gave this man a lot of passes because of his head injury and felt sorry for him. Being nice didn't work it wasn't until I pushed him and told him to stop that he stopped. Then everything went downhill for him after that.
If you say you wouldnt have a problem with telling the other dudes from work to "kick rock after the first comment" and you say his brain damage doesn't change the fact that he's harrassing you and you are uncomfortable, why the hell haven't you told him plain and simple to stop??? What's stopping you?
Are you afraid of saying anything because of his condition? Afraid of hurting him, or being seen as cruel and lacking understanding?
A developmentally delayed child has a crush n my 14 year old and was grabbing his genitals whenever she saw him. The school tried to tell me that it was just something he had to put up with because it wasn’t her fault. They quickly found out that this is not the case from a legal standpoint and can still result in consequence for the workplace or school that is not dealing with the matter in whatever way is necessary to ensure compliance.
Ben knows the difference between right and wrong... drives, lives alone, and was "sheepish" after the meeting about the lockers. He’s using his condition as a shield to test your boundaries.
Stop being "nice" and be clear. Tell him: "I am only comfortable with a strictly professional relationship. Do not touch me, message me, or follow me again." If he does it one more time, make that scene your fiance suggested. Your safety is more important than his feelings.
You are absolutely totally right that he can still tell that what he is doing is wrong and making you uncomfortable. I was in a similar situation with a very autistic person who took my friendliness at first to be an invitation. It got to the point he was texting me every weekend evening, he gave a nickname to my long distance partner who I talk about a lot, and would always make a point of sitting next to me and being in my space. I had a third party tell him he was making me really uncomfortable with a much longer list than what I said of specific examples as to what he was doing. It was not the intended outcome that he entirely cut contact with me but he immediately did of his own volition even though I said so long as he behaves around me I don’t mind him remaining in the group
A TBI is not an excuse for crossing boundaries
Brain damage is irrelevant and distracts from good advice here. Treat him like any other person for issues that are personal
So like... do people hug you at every job youve worked at before? Do all your other coworkers give you hugs all the time? Why in the world would you treat it as normal??!!
The very next time he comes close to touching you snap away like hes make of snakes and birdshit. "Im incredibly uncomfortable with you touching me. Please dont do it again." And then walk all the hell away from him and formally co plain to your bloody boss: "This is sexual harassment/stalking behavior. I need you to treat it as such."
His brain damage has nothing to do with your safely.
I just want to say. And people will hate me for saying it. But people with brain injuries can sometimes have damage to the area that controls decision making, social norms, and often do extremely inappropriate things while still being able to take a plan by themselves and live.
So what you're feeling is valid. Just wanted to educate that sometimes brain injury looks like they are fine but laugh while you cry about you're dog dying or they tell you to go end yourself because you're annoying to them. They can also say some racist stuff they would never had said if their brain wasn't injured. Also pretty much anything you say to stop them. Often doesn't register either
No one should hate you for saying that because it’s true that can happen, I’ve fought with myself daily because of this but at the same time it’s still not okay for him to be doing, and it needs to stop
I agree. I just wanted to put this out there because there are different situation where people are looked down for these issues. Your case though is different because it is directly impacting you and not indirect. If that makes sense
This is why we don't need mentally handicapped people in the workplace.
Seems like he’s behaving like a lot of men do in the workplace who don’t have the excuse of a brain injury.