My(40M) wife(38F) and I have been married for a little over 3 years. We have two kids ages 5 and 17. The eldest is hers from a prior marriage. I've been in the Military for almost 23 years and was recently medically discharged and given education benefits for my kids and my wife along with health benefits and others benefits.
My wife asked me if her daughter would be eligible for my benefits including college and health and i told her i didnt think so because i never legally adopted her and she never changed her last name to mine because she "didn't want her dad's family to get mad"1
Well i just found out that she does indeed qualify for the benefits when i went to get my retired ID card. But my step-daughter's dad passed away over 5yrs ago and she gets $250/mo in his social security so she has a little over $10,000 saved for college, and she's also going to get an extra $350/mo from his life insurance he had and that's until age 23 i think.
Anyway, my wife hasnt been contributing much financially ever since we got together. She drives for uber but does it VERY part-time and probably nets around $500/mo. She only got this job after our son started school and I had been nagging her to get a job after being a sahm the entire time against my wishes.
She's now stressing about her daughter's college and i'm hoping this is the motivation she needs to get a better-paying job, or at least put in more hours. I know it would be easier and financially better for me to just give my step-daughter my college benefits, but idk part of me doesn't want to. I'll also add that we can live comfortably on my income alone, i just want her to work to contribute, since i've never felt she was a very good sahm and she never really packed me lunches or did any of the sahm duties she was supposed to beyond the bare minimum, and expected me to do 50% of household duties, which I did.
So, AITA for not wanting to give her my college benefits, even though i could?
I think OP forgot a piece of info. She may lose the social security if step-dad does adopt/add her. I've seen that happen when a kid gets adopted or added on to step-parent stuff, they lose benefits because they have that extra parent now.
That is why my first step-dad didn't adopt us kids.
I’m gonna piggyback off this comment so that it’s at the top. If you haven’t already transferred your own G.I. bill benefits before you left active duty you are no longer eligible to do so. Your stepdaughter is eligible for any VA education benefits any of your other family members are eligible for regardless of if you adopt her or not. None of your other dependence will lose any benefits because your stepdaughter uses them. They are equal benefits for all your dependents, which your stepdaughter should be even if you have not adopted her.
This is correct. Transferring benefits to a kid is a retention tool used for reenlistment.
It seems like OP resents the fact that his wife does not contribute as much as he would like and is using that as an excuse not to assist his stepdaughter.
He does not want to assist his stepdaughter with college, even though he can. OP just be honest with yourself, your wife and stepdaughter. Furthermore, have the discussion with your wife about contributing more. I am not sure of your “fatherly” feelings towards your stepdaughter are they lacking?
OP also needs to redditors know that he has a total of 4 years of college benefits to transfer. It might change some opinions.
https://www.va.gov/education/transfer-post-9-11-gi-bill-benefits/
“You can request to transfer up to a total of 36 months of your remaining education benefits to your dependents.”
OP needs to understand his own benefits better.
He's clearly spent very little time looking into this. The fact that he thought she wasn't entitled because she had a different last name is very telling that he's... now well informed on his own benefits.
Edit-I don't believe he knew this as I had to ask repeatedly but he says he lives in Missouri... so he has to be 100% disabled and even then up until last year or this year, all the credits for College would come from his GI benefits. It happens to be... pretty much the most restrictive state in this regard.
So he lives in one of the worst states as far as that goes and he's only 70% disabled. He'd need to get his disability to 100%(which is possible, that number is often contested) and then if he did so, with a change in the law for Missouri, then NEXT year when it goes into affect, he'd be able to get free college for both kids.
In Wisconsin for example, 30% disabled and you can send the Dugger Family to school(save for the one in Prison) and they would be entitled to 128 credits and 1500 a month).
Wait, what?? I'm over 30% in WI so I might end up marrying a few friends just to put people through college.
LOL... I mean, they want to recruit vets to the state.
You'd have to space it out, but yeah, you could do it!
Now I’m rooting for polyamory!
Can he somehow change states? Like move out to a different one and use his benefits there? Or can a kid go to a college in a different state and change it that way?
Yes... he could.
-He could transfer his GI credits to his step daughter and then move to Wisconsin(that may be the most friendly state for vets, at least among those that I'm familiar with, though I work out of Chicago and it's been a while since I've helped anyone...and even then it was with getting their disability increased as the VA was underdiagnosing a lot of people ~10 years or so ago).
-IF he did that, the Step Daughter could get the GI bill(meant for him, but it's transferable). And then after 5 years of residency, the Son would be eligible for Wisconsin's VA tuition credits that he EASILY meets.
But you're picking up and moving your whole family so you can go to a state school in Wisconsin(it's not going to cover out of State Schools or private schools at 100%, I believe that's capped at ~30K a year, a little less, but in 5 years, that'll be higher... but obviously tuition will be as well).
So there's a way, but it's... probably a stretch. He says he was not overseas and hasn't moved since he got married. I would GUESS that means his wife's family and everything are in Missouri, but just a guess.
But to answer your question, yes, 5 year waiting period. Step Daughter gets the GI bill, son would then be eligible for the Wisconsin State Tuition program. Only needs to be 30% disabled to get it(he is 70%).
Love the Dugg snark!
And only for ONE person. If he transfers then, he cannot use them himself.
Yes he can. These are his child's benefits, not his own GI Bill.
THAT comes from a pool that he can divide up, but they still have benefits for children in his household, they're still entitled to 128 credits. If he has 4 biological kids and 2 step-children, they ALL get 128 credits and ~1500 a month...(a bit less).
***I'm wrong...
He's from Missouri. He'd have to apply for a higher disability classification in order for each kid to be entitled to their own 128 credits.
He could do that(or move to a state like Wisconsin... transfer the GI benefits to her and then live there for 5 years, at which time... the youngest would qualify for the benefits. Though... he'll still have his issues with the wife.
That’s not how it worked for my 100% disabled veteran parent. Every child she had was eligible for 4 years of monthly stipend while in college. In 2000 thru 2004 it was worth 950 a month. I imagine it’s quite a bit more now.
Dunno why he feels like the benefits his child is entitled to are affected by the wife’s willingness or not to work. That seems somewhat silly to me.
He's never said he's 100% disabled. He was medically discharged, not retired.
Well at 23 years he probably did retire but that doesn’t matter for ch. 35 benefits, he’d need to be 100% P&T through the VA
No, you can split the months (I believe it is 36 months; 9 months of school for 4 years) between children.
I had a slightly different situation since as an officer I entered with a bachelor degree and the army gave me a masters. I gave the months to my kids.
Well, that's only ONE credits worth of degrees.
He's also from Missouri, so the only benefits he has to divide up are his GI... so the 36 months you mention... and the stipend(I don't actually know if you get a stipend with the GI bill, but state VA benefits often come with one).
Not is he’s 100% disabled which he made it sounds from the medical discharge
It's true she will. My daughter got it and if my husband adopted her. She would loose it completely.
It sounds like OP has a wife problem. Not a step daughter college fund. Therapy wouldn't be a bad idea for individual and or couples.
They've only been married 3 years (though their kid is 5) and he spent most of this post complaining about his wife. It sounds like he just wants to punish the step-daughter to get back at his wife
That's pretty much all I took away from the post.... OP really doesn't seem to particularly like his wife.
That’s what I got from it too. He’s mad that she didn’t pack his lunch every day (she isn’t HIS mommy) so he’s punishing the daughter by withholding money for college. A real stand up guy.
that was my take-away, too. To hell with the kid, he just wants to punish mom for not working
YTA
She’s going to lose survivor benefits at 18 anyway, that’s nothing in comparison to the benefit she’ll from him towards college.
Exactly and 10k in savings isn't anything compared to the 40-60k+ for 4 years of college.
1-Step Dad doesn't have to adopt her. She's part of his household
2-She'd stand to gain MUCH more from the 128 credits and 1500 a month(that's for 36 months) than she'd stand to gain from the Social security.
3-The SS benefits stop when you're 18 or graduate HS(or if you're older, just prior to turning 19).
4-Even if you're legally adopted by a step father, you don't lose the SS benefits from your biological parent.
So...it shouldn't have any impact.
He doesn't need to adopt her for her to use his military benefits and the Ss money from her dad will stop when she turns 18 or graduates from high school. OP is just a petty little man who wants to make his stepdaughter suffer to punish his wife for not packing his lunch. Such a tiny sad excuse for a man.
A child of a deceased parent does not lose social security benefits if adopted.
My mom didn’t lose hers when she got remarried and I was adopted. This was back in 1976 and things may have changed. She lost hers, but not mine. As it is when the step-daughter turns 18 she’ll lose the SS benefits anyway.
She will lose those benefits the year she turns 18 anyway. Those benefits only go to minors.
Are you 100% P&T referring to Chapter 35? If so, that is her 36 month entitlement and does not take away from any of the other children nor your wife. It's a monthly stipend that is paid directly to the student who then uses it to pay tuition. No adoption is required, only proof that she was/is your dependent. (I'll have to read through the comments to see if this has been brought up. Lol(
And if your gi bill wasn't transferred during active duty, where you served your additional 4 after transfer then this isn't even a topic of conversation... If it was and you are considering removing her, then that's on you and your conscious but sounds like you have a lot of resentment directed at your wife.
Kids can't do college for 4 years on $10K. And if she doesn't go to college after HS that SS Benefit goes away when she turns 18.
Rent - $1200/mo Tuition - $14,000/yr Books and supplies - (conservative) $3,000/yr Vehicle payment - $600/mo Gas and insurance on said vehicle - $800/mo Groceries - $600/mo (and that's eating like shit at home and not going out at all)
I'm a gen x but can't help but see this as an "okay, boomer" moment.
Why not help someone out if it's within one's power to do so and doesn't cost them anything? Jfc, no wonder people say "there's no hope for this generation".
Yep. The 'pull the ladder up behind them' generation.
I did one year at a state university for 12,000 not including books or living expenses.
I managed a single year at a community college, but it wiped my 10k college fund and financial aid to cover it. 10k ain't shit when it comes to college.
You sound like you are starting to resent your wife. Communication is important. Sit down and have a serious conversation about what is upsetting you because you are being an ahole. You are taking out your resentment towards your wife on your stepdaughter. It won't cost you anything to include her, but you don't want to do it. That's crappy.
Agreed. But not starting, is resentful.
Agreed. In an imaginary world I hope my daughter who lost her bio father is not shorthanded an education bc I didn’t make a man sandwiches. Sheesh.
Yeah, I feel like that's a much bigger issue; he wants her to contribute financially and he doesn't think she's a good SAHM... doesn't make for a good marriage.
Sounds like he's more worried the marriage will crumble(which it's starting now it seems) while he's paying for college for a daughter that's not legally his. I lost my daughter I was raising since 6 months old due to not adopting her before I divorced my ex. If he's holding out on his true feelings about the state of his marriage and he expects it to fail at this rate, after his ex splits all of the assets he's earned he'll need that GI bill for his son.
OP sucks at communicating, but he's worried about his and his son's future which his current wife is clearly not planning to support.
INFO: which benefits are we talking about? GI Bill? Chapter 35?
I don’t think anyone should blame you for giving GI bill to your biological kid. However, if you have state benefits (like the hazelwood act) you could give one to your stepchild and one to your bio daughter. or if you’re 100% P&T with the VA you can give all of your dependents chapter 35 benefits with no sharing.
Sounds to me like he doesn't even know what his own benefits are. If it is only for one kid, I can see why he'd save it for his bio kid, but I'd hope he still helps for his step-daughter's college in other ways.
He probably should’ve paid better attention in his TAP classes honestly
Just file for divorce and get this shit over with. You want a working woman go find a working woman with no kids.
He wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants a working woman that can do everything around the house to his standards.
So these benefits wouldnt reduce any future benefits whatsoever, its just you "feel" like they dont deserve it, essentially because they arent your real kid? Yeah, I wonder who the asshole is here, real hard to tell.
Does he not realize, by not allowing his step daughter to use his benefits, he’s financially crippling his family?
Where do you think she’ll get the rest of the money dummy?!? From YOUR FAMILY POCKETS. This could even mean the deciding factor in a better college, meaning better opportunities for his step daughter. Beyond stupid.
YTA. Whatever going on between you and your wife should stay that way. Don’t go involving your children AND family’s financial position because you feel like your wife needs to work harder. Wtf.
His wife is very clearly apart of the reason he’s doesn’t want to give his stepdaughter his GI bill. He needs to talk to his wife. He very clearly resents her
He wants the daughter to go into debt so he can punish his wife for not packing him lunch.
You ATA My son’s college benefits covered his child and his stepchildren. I can’t fathom that he would withhold that from children who had been part of our family since they were toddlers
You don’t lose a nickel. To deny her your education benefits is foolish it’s free you don’t lose a thing. If your wife finds out you could help her child and you don’t she will never forget. Now get the stick out of you buttand be a hero and help her.
YTA the real issue is you resent your wife for being a SAHM when you didn't want her to be. Regardless of how that happened, it wasn't your stepdaughter fault. You're trying to use her education as leverage to force your wife to work full-time.
Also, this is not 1995. 10K will maybe pay for one semester at a state school. Unless Missouri is wildly cheaper than Arkansas (Missouri's downstairs neighbor). Here, the state university is over 25k for in-state students if you live on campus.
May this kind of person never find me
Men like this are a dime a dozen. Theres only one way to avoid them... just dont date.
You don’t sound like you really like your wife or step daughter. Honestly sounds like you should divorce. You don’t sound happy with your wife as she you want her to contribute financially.
The thing is... He call her a stay at home mom but at the same time he says she works part-time driving Uber so she's not really a stay at home mom, she is doing some money probably thinking that op is really happy that despite their agreement for her to be at home she is doing a little money on the side... If he doesn't want her to be a stay at home mom he needs to tell her and not effing is step daughter life because he doesn't have the balls to tell is wife she needs to work (even tho he says she doesn't need to). His story doesn't sit right.
And he acts like the childcare the wife provided for 5 years to 2 kids wasn’t work.
To me the wife and step daughter deserve better than OP.
He said she WAS a SAHM against his wishes. She recently started working very part time after he negged her when their kid started school.
YTA for saying “she never packed me lunches”
Was there absolutely no communication in your relationship before you guys got married? Also, why would you marry someone if you weren’t gonna love their children that came before you
You don’t like your wife and you don’t love your stepdaughter. This would cost you nothing but you don’t want them to receive a benefit. Stop being passive aggressive and think about whether this marriage is right for you or the family.
It’s not unlimited benefits. Giving them to his stepdaughter would take away from his own children.
Not sure exactly what benefits he was given but my husband is 100% disabled veteran! I have 2 kids and each kid has their own 36 months of education paid and they are not split and each get their own allotment! Some states like the one I live in have tuition/waivers to some colleges to disabled vets dependants and some have for honorable discharged vets!
But that isn’t his reasoning. His reason is that he isn’t happy with his wife so he is holding her daughter’s education over her head - which makes him an AH.
Ding ding ding!!
Op says for wife and kids. It wouldn't take away from his kids. Va says kids
https://www.va.gov/files/2019-07/VA-Toolkit-9-Family-Member-Fact-Sheet-508.pdf
That's not effing true stop spreading misinformation
Actually it does cost him.
Those benefits are a total of 4 years split among all children.
Anything his step-Daughter uses means less for his son.
well that is pretty dang important info the OP left out. "saving them for my son" is totally valid. otherwise he comes off as an AH about this.
But he isn’t saving the health insurance for his son, he’s just not giving it to the step daughter.
Yeah there are some benefits that aren’t limited.
GI Bill/college money earned from re-sign on bonuses absolutely is limited. (On resign you might get 2k cash or 10k college fund, so to create a backup safety option, not a bad idea to go with college money)
There’s no good reason not to extend his unlimited benefits (access to VA insurance/loans as direct dependent). This just helps get lower aprs/premiums.
Sounds like he doesn’t ever love his wife or like his step daughter though.
When did it become split? Its 4 years per kid last I heard and not split. My cousins went on their dad's benefits. One did tech the other got a Bachelors
I went on my dad's 10 years ago and it was per kid as well
Edit to add.. forgot chapter 35 and 33 existed separately. Oops oh well
But not once does he say that, does he? Instead he enumerates all the ways he doesn't like his wife or stepdaughter.
When you're familiar with something but not an expert it's easy to leave out what are actually key details. It's also common for people to assume this stuff is common knowledge, but yeah if that's his reasoning/situation it should be included in the post.
Where did you hear that? Each child gets up to 36 months (4 academic years) of benefits from the military. Yes I’m a military family.
He said he was medically discharged, so I’m assuming 100% disability rating, which means all kids would get Montgomery benefits.
Medicaid discharge isn't the same as medical retirement.
Depends on the type of benefits.
So many people who don’t know what they’re talking about being upvoted to the top of this
To be fair, it would have helped if he had mentioned that. That is a completely legitimate reason. But without that knowledge, this top comment seems like a legitimate response.
This is not a veterans subreddit where something like this is generally known by everyone
Simple. Short. Honest. I dig it.
You don't want to because you're an asshole. A big one, and not just because you won't give your step daughter something that would help her immensely and cost you NOTHING. What. an. ass.
They whole, "she didn't pack my lunches" bullshit and degrading her about being a "not good sahm" also makes you an ass.
YTA
You have a problem with your wife and her work history. Why punish her child because of that? This is a classic example of sins of the father. Let the child go to college and deal with the pending divorce issues separately. If you can give her at least a year or two before you divorce it’s a gift to the child not the mother.
You’re very transactional. Instead of getting married you should have hired a housekeeper and a sex worker. Problem solved.
So let me get this straight, you could give your stepdaughter free, or at least discounted, college for literally no cost to you, but you won't do it simply because you don't feel like it? Yes man, that makes you a massive, engorged, hemorrhoids enflamed asshole.
But he’s mad at his wife and can’t communicate it so therefore he’s justified to take it out on his step daughter who he had nothing bad to say about /s
You are a miserable excuse for a family member. I would need a shower if I shook your hand. You deserve a nice big fat divorce.
YTA You don't have to adopt your stepdaughter or have her change her last name to yours. It's enough that you're married to her mom and thus legally her stepfather.
10K barely covers a semester of college (depending on the school). Don't punish your stepdaughter because your wife is lazy and refuses to get a job.
I get your frustration, but it costs you nothing for your stepdaughter to have this benefit. It also doesn't reduce the benefit for your son.
Are these Chapter 35 benefits? If so, YTA.
If they’re Ch 35 benefits, he can’t even prevent her from getting them short of divorcing his wife. They’re the child’s benefit, period. It just might take a little extra effort for her during the application process if he isn’t cooperative.
If he’s talking about Ch 33, he needed to have transferred those benefits years before leaving active duty anyway.
Agree. Unlike post 9/11 GI Bill which limits benefits to specific amount of months total (so multiple dependents would have to split), chapter 35 is eligible for each individual dependent.
So yes, if this is chapter 35, YTA. It's not taking anything away from anyone else's benefits.
Right! Like Cpt 35 goes to all your kids with out taking anything from anyone.
I’m retired military and a disabled veteran and something stinks with his story.
Dude, wtf is it to you? You married someone you consider lazy so you want to punish her daughter by not "giving" her "your" college benefits--which I assume will cost you absolutely nothing to "give"?
I imagine she is either entitled to the benefits or she isn't, correct? So is your plan to just not tell her she can take advantage?
Or is it a matter of paperwork to add her? Either way, why would you deny this child access to help that costs you nothing? Based on her mother's apparent inadequacies at being a stay at home mom (something notoriously way more difficult than anyone who has never done it realizes)?
Yes, YATAH. Your issue is with your wife. I am not sure why you have failed to address the issue for so long but that's no reason to punish her innocent child. You would be an asshole if you blocked college funds for a stranger bro. Much less your own step daughter. Jeez.
Can I just add: why are people so obsessed with the idea that someone might get a benefit they don't "deserve"? The wealthiest people in the world pay no taxes and take our resources to enrich themselves. They inherit billions for having never lifted a finger. We don't bat an eyelash. But if one poor person gets food, or education or health care without mortgaging their entire future - god forbid! This is our sickness as a society. Give people. Give and receive.
YTA
[edit: some are saying the benefit is limited to one child or 4 years -- that he has to choose between his kids or his step daughter. Others dispute that. And that is not what I understood.
Clarify to soft NTA if he wants to save benefits for his biological kids. If, nothing is lost by letting his step daughter use then, then below still applies]
People in this comment section believe getting a degree is a privilege aparently and not something all people should be able to obtain. Fuck America.
saying a child does not deserve funds for college, all because she did not change her last name yet, is crazy. people really need to think from the other pov too, her dad died, they didnt get divorced, its more traumatic than a divorce, on top of that, she has the pressure of the dad's surviving family, its not like she cut off ties with them after her mom married the step-dad, what all will they say when they find out the daughter took her step-dad's last name? she might lose her close family.
and i don't get, why you guys decide to get married to someone with a child, if you clearly wanna do the "my blood child deserves the world" shit.
the funds are free, its costing OP absolutely nothing to send his step daughter to college, her saved 10k$ is absolutely nothing, would barely cover a year.
and his own son is literally just 5 years old, thats 13 years until he goes to college, more than enough time to save up little by little for his college, wouldnt you have done that for your step daughter if she was not 17 but younger? or did you decide, that you would not contribute financially to your step daughter at all because she's not your blood?
and for god sake, the comments are so uneducated in childbirth, i have been around people that have given birth, i have seen how bad the postpartum stage for them is, and what, do yall think taking care of babies and toddlers is easy? its a hellhole trying to do absolutely even a single other thing than taking care of the house and your baby, BEFORE they even start school, them starting school, gives the mom, a little bit of freetime, and in THAT she was WORKING. and ofc it was part time, because who would take care of your precious little blood child if she worked fulltime? her whole salary would go in his childcare, then whats the point of her working?
YTA
Fyi if he does give them to the step daughter they are gone which means the son cant use them.
Personally i think they should goto the son as the son is his only bio-kid.
For GI bill this is correct. Chapter 35 if he’s P&T would be the same for whether one or both kids used them
Info:
Do you even like your wife?
This would cost you literally nothing. Even thinking about not doing it makes you an asshole of a caliber I can't even properly quantify.
YTA if it costs you nothing. Sounds like you're just being petty because you resent your wife. If I could give someone a college education for free, I absolutely would, even if they were a complete stranger. College is expensive enough as it is. Don't purposely make someone's life needlessly harder just because you dislike your wife
You’d have a kid go into lifelong debt to force your wife to get a better job? YTA.
When you come to a fork in the road during life and your options are "being a dick" or "not being a dick", always choose "don't be a dick".
So you're punishing your stepdaughter because your wife isn't living up to your expectations? If you ask me, yes, you're an a**hole. Your issue is with your wife and the fact that your stepdaughter was concerned about upsetting her father's family by taking your name is not a reflection on you. It means she's smart young woman with a good heart. Her father didn't abandon her and wasn't a deadbeat Dad. The man died and she's a living piece of him. She doesn't want his family to feel like she's replacing him.
Your wife's inability to live up to your expectations doesn't mean that your stepdaughter's education should suffer. These are 2 completely separate issues. You need to address the issues you have with your wife directly and leave the children out of it.
“AITA for making a child’s life harder and more expensive than it has to be for no reason other than resenting the dependapotamus that I chose to marry while knowing her child was a package deal?”
Of fucking course YTA.
So… you’re leveraging crippling student loan debt, which is wholly unnecessary and the government will pay for it, against a child because their mom, your wife, isn’t doing what you want her to do?
YTA and are misplacing your resentment onto your stepdaughter. Why would you want her to have less in life if it cost you nothing to give her a leg up on her education? 10k will probably cover a single year of college.
You need to talk to your wife and be stern with her. Your step daughter is not your wife and shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip.
Dude...
I'm a vet who just got 100%
I legit married my long term partner Just so he and his kids could get benefits. And one of his kids treats me like crap. (he's a widower and she doesn't like me "replacing" her mom which I'd never do)
I still! Want her to get as much benefit as I can give
That's what it means to love someone You want what's best for them
You are thinking selfishly, maybe some counseling would be good.
Op you are wrong about how the education benefits for your children work.
1) if you had a GI bill coming to you, you could have transferred it to ONE person prior to leaving the military.
2) the dependent education benefit is a monthly stipend available to ALL dependents in your home below a certain age who are working on their first degree.
The decision to withhold it isn’t even yours. She’s entitled to it. All she has to do is provide the proper information.
YTA for manipulating mom by punishing child because your think mom doesn’t earn enough money. Did she have an education and job that would earn well before you knocked her up? Did you expect these things to materialize while she was raising a toddler? Have you priced what a full time nanny for five years costs? Are you, being 100% disabled, capable of reliably and consistently providing child care including school prep, drop off, pick up, appointments, school plays conferences and meetings?
YTAH. You seem selfish and to not actually like your family. If I was your wife and you withheld health insurance and college tuition that you don’t even have to pay for from my child as a punishment because I stayed home and raised your child, I’d divorce you.
My husband split his GI Bill between out three kids. Each kid got 10 mths. Chapter 35 is only with 100% disability rating.
YTA - The college benefits come from the VA not you. Nothing out of your pocket AND any other kids you have still can receive the same benefit.
YTA. Why wouldn’t you give her the benefits? Also you and your wife need marriage counseling.
YTA but so is your wife for staying with you and procreating with you when you clearly don’t care for her child.
My mom married a retired airforce person (retired early due to injury). He added me (17F), and my siblings and I received health benefits until I was 21. I can not tell you what a lifesaver that was. So very thankful.
She was your kids sahm not yours. Not good cuz she didnt Pack my lunches. What a joke
This is the part of the post I feel people aren’t talking about enough.
“sHe DiDnT PaCK my LuNChEs”
As a grown ass man? Gtfo of here with that
YTA.
Why did you marry someone with kids? Why did you marry someone you don't even like? You're making a post about your step-daughter and then spend most of it complaining about your wife, who saved you literally 10s of thousands of dollars in childcare costs (daycare is 20k per year, per kid here), and she didn't "pack you lunches"?
You sound butthurt she wasn't the tradwife you wanted and now you want to punish your step-daughter for it. If you don't like them, then don't be in the marriage. You're literally saying you're not giving her benefits because you don't feel like it. You need to grow up or divorce.
You are the AITA. You consider your wife below You because she is Stay at home. You think she didnt do much because she doesn't pack lunches for you? You know how tough is it to raise two kids? Also who will look after your child if at all you have being deployed?
Its not that you care about your son either. You never once mentioned that he might get less benefits due to step daughter but its your ego like why she didnt take my name or why her mother doesn't contribute. You yourself said that your income is enough to live comfortably but still you dismiss her work and effort. Also she drives uber as part time yet to say things like this.
May a person like you never meet another woman.
YTA you’re a complete and total ass. It just kept getting worse every line I read. You want to punish your step daughter for perceived slights of her mother and you seem to hate your wife and want her to get a job as punishment for not packing your lunches?? I feel so bad for your wife. She picked wrong.
Rolling my eyes at another man who's wife raises their kid full time but still thinks being a stay at home Mom means "packing my lunch". It probably would have cost you more to put that kid in childcare than your wife would have made working full time and yet you think she's lazy bc she didn't push you lunches and you had to do half of household chores. Grow up my man. If it costs you nothing, benefit your step daughter who lost her father already. Jesus Christ YTA
What the hell is wrong with you? lol Is this even real? Yes YTA
YTA- do you even like the women in your life? Very trifling behavior from you, the grown up adult man.
Yes. Unequivocally yes.
As a veteran. Yes.
As a mom. Yes.
They don't even cost you anything.
All your dependents get chapter 35 without taking from one another if you're 100%. They don't even have to get your permission. They can just file it. They just don't KNOW it yet.
This will likely end your marriage.
Also... Packed you lunches?
Good. Heck.
Yeah YTA. Massively.
I say small yta because it seems like you are punishing the daughter for her mother's lack of income.
The benefit costs you nothing, doesn't take benefits away from your other child, and it would ease the burden of student loans she will need.
Yes, she has some income from her father's estate, but that could be a nest egg for her future, after she is done with school.
You could even start a fund for your son now so that he has a nest egg, too. He is young enough for it to become substantial.
I understand why you are upset with your wife, but your stepdaughter has no control over her mother's actions. As long as she has treated you with respect, give her an education. Hopefully, she will make better choices than her mom did.
Now, reread my second paragraph.
I'm so glad my military spouse of 20 years isn't like this.
Yes, you are TA. You’re taking your frustration out on your stepdaughter and punishing both she and your wife because it hasn’t gone the way you want or demanded. It could have long term consequences for everyone and you’re being petty and controlling. I also suspect it’s your way of punishing your stepdaughter because she wants to keep her name. Her dad died and it’s the connection to him. Can’t you be a kind, supportive bonus dad or only if you’re getting what you want? Did you have a conversation with your wife about why she feels reticent about getting a regular job? Does she have a reason? One that she was able to communicate to you without you being judgmental? It’s very hard to work full time with kids and manage everything else needed for family life. She may feel like she’s not qualified for some of the work she might want to do, she may feel like it isn’t flexible enough or there could be any of other reasons. Stop nagging (your words), start having real conversations and stop being TA, especially to a girl you’ve been the stepdad to for her entire adolescent life. Withholding benefits that cost you nothing is gross.
Yeah you kind of are. The step daughter isn’t involved in you and your wife’s conflict over her working. College is hella expensive. $10k is a drop in the bucket. What a kind gesture it would be to help pay for a students education especially as it has zero impact on you.
YTA. It's shitty to hold your step daughter's education to ransom.
If you have the opportunity to send any child to college on scholarship at no real cost to you and you don’t out of spite, you’re a complete asshole.
YTA. It wouldn’t cost you anything. The only reason not to do it is spite.
YTAH
I don't know how you can write this and not feel like an asshole.
I don't really know how you can write this and not already know that YTA
You're punishing your step daughter because your wife is lazy.
She doesn’t pack your lunches or other SAHM duties? And your SD gets a little money each month from her deceased bio dad’s SS and life insurance. So now she should not have any of your benefits? You sound petty. And YTA.
YTA. If she’s on your DEERS they are her benefits, not yours. She could just call in and start the process. Add to that the fact that providing her benefits does NOT reduce benefits for either yourself or any of your other dependents, and yeah, you suck.
So you dont like your wife and want to punish a 17 yr old because of that? YTA. How would you not be?
YTA - you’re a petty angry man, lousy husband, and a bad step-father.
The US government has long-ago determined your step-daughter is eligible, not you.
I, a US tax-paying citizen and property owner, am happy to pay for a young woman whom I will never know to receive a college benefit she is entitled to from my tax dollars.
She gets social security until shes 18,...35p a month isn't enough to buy her room and board. What do you have to loose. Let her use your benefits. Don't be a jerk.
YTA. You picked the woman you wanted to marry. Dating someone with a child and then choosing not to care for that child is weird. And now you want to make the kid struggle when she doesn’t have to just because you have weird ideas about gender norms. Sounds like you wanted your wife to be a SAHM to you too and now you’re throwing a fit because she isn’t.
This is insane. I would want my children and my partners children to thrive. Any help at all, Literally cost you nothing and you just don't want to because your wife didn't pack you a lunch. Stop it. 🤣😂 YATA. You are transactional. You have some kind of weird displaced resentment about the lunch thing, and you are going to cause a sibling rivalry. You seem like you like thr power and nobody here is going to tell you otherwise
YTA. You're sincerely a piece of sh. Why would you marry and have a child with a woman knowing she had a child you didn't like? Help her will absolutely not change anything for you, won't hurt you. You just want her (your wife and stepdaughter) to suffer because you think they're not doing enough to fulfill your expectations, well the girl can always have some loans, but remember you're sowing right now don't expect a big harvest in the future or any harvest at all.
You're doing differences between two kids because one isn't your blood but you know this girl since she was 10. If your love were sincere you weren't in this predicament, you would help the woman you love, you want the cow you love the calf that's how it is, benefiting "her daughter" won't take a cent from you, you just don't want to because you're selfish and you keep comparing yourself to a death man. Good luck in your marriage, I hope your wife leaves you.
You sound like a gem. Withholding essential benefits that might help your family, residual anger for not being catered to, somehow feeling like your step kid owed you her last name as some twisted test of loyalty, implying your wife is lazy and a bad mom…
Op talks as if he’s above raising children. “She never packed me lunch” OMG you know how much daycare costs? Then add a small child and a teenager to take care of. How do you think this would have worked. Likely while your younger one was a baby, she’d be home during the day, then you take care of the kids at night. Judging from your post, I doubt you’d be so “willing” to do that. Pack your own lunch, you don’t seem to like your wife either.
YTA. You sound like a selfish prick.
Oh no, your wife didn’t pack your lunch! Yeah, punish her daughter for it.
Gross. you’re going to live off the government dole for the next 50 years and you think you’re some big man by withholding education for “your kid” - you’re gross and I’m disgusted that my tax dollars have to pay for your sorry ass.
100% YTA
Yep, YTA. You’re being spiteful.
INFO: Does giving her the benefits negatively impact anything? Does it cost you anything? Would it take something away from your bio daughter?
If this is solely about trying to force your wife to get a job, YTA. Don't take away a chance for a young adult to have a better life over something that has nothing to do with them.
No he's talking about chapt 35 benefits that go to all your dependants... All kids and your spouse. It doesn't take from anyone
100% AH
YTA. Do better.
Yes, YATAH -- ungenerous and unfair to your stepdaughter, controlling of your wife.
Are you punishing your daughter to force your wife to work?
Don't punish the child for the parent(s)' behavior. You are taking your frustrations out on the kid. If the college benefits do not cost you anything.. you should let your child by marriage benefit from it. It doesn't matter if she has your last name or not. You have a kid that does. She grew up most of her life with her name. It is her right to choose to keep it. Don't let your emotions turn you into bitter stepfather that thinks about his own feelings over the kids.
Yes you are.
Slightly, you need to tell her what you want and make a plan with her. This refusing just comes off as you don’t care for your step daughter and it’s manipulative to expect your wife to make the decision you want because you think your refusal should give her motivation for it
Gentle YTA. College is expensive. We all know that. Give her the benefits and help her out and set her up for success and not crazy college loans. She isn’t rich by any means on her “income” from her dad’s death.
Your beef is with your wife not pulling her weight around the house and with a job, and not the daughter.
I also think you left something out. Your step daughter was 12 when her dad died. She’s old enough to know by changing her last name to your would/could be hurtful to her dad’s side of the family and I tend to agree with her. Or even if that’s just an excuse, she’s old enough to decide what she wants. Do you have a decent/good relationship with her? Did she have a good relationship with her dad? There’s a gap here.
YTA.
You should just leave now. You definitely don’t love anyone in that family.
This has to be ragebait because no way could any sane decent human being act so vindictive towards the people they are supposed to love the most. If real, i hope ops wife reads this and leaves.
Don't worry about the federally funded education benefits. You'll be paying your (ex)wife out of your personal retirement soon enough.
Don't take your issue with your wife out on the kid. You love this kid right? Want to see her do well in life? You think she will finish school and benefit her future? I just don't think you should use this as a moment to teach your wife about contributing and duties.
You read of bitter resentment. It sounds like your behavior is because she didn't want to take your last name and give up her attachment to her deceased father. And because her mother isn't doing enough in your eyes. And maybe your wife isn't. But your resentment over it shouldn't weigh on the daughter.
You need therapy and probably couple counseling as well. But definitely therapy to deal with your resentment. If you don't it's going to poison the relationships around you. With your kids and wife.
I think there are bigger relationship issues here. This just seems to be one way it is being surfaced. I hope OP and his wife are able to effectively communicate and find a healthy balance.
As far as the college benefits, if there are no downsides to her using them, it sounds like you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Not a judgement call on whether or not you are the ah, just an observation
YTA You don't get to take your issues with your wife out on the kid. Your step kid would benefit hugely from that college benefit. $10,000 and $600 a month isn't nearly enough to get her through school.
This makes zero sense to me. It appears from the comments about these benefits that it doesn't cost you anything or take anything away from anyone else, so why on earth wouldn't you want to help your stepdaughter?
It reads like you think your wife will stop working if you share your benefits. That's punishing your stepdaughter for behavior you anticipate from your wife. It's controlling both of them with money. YTA just for that.
YTA
Yep you are TAH. It costs you nothing to have her able to use the education benefits but you’d rather saddle your daughter with crippling education debt.
I’ll be a bit blunt, I have no problem with you resenting your partner but letting that resentment block your step-daughter from a benefit you can offer her is kind of an asshole thing to do.
I could understand your logic better if it effected how much your second child would get for their education but if it doesn’t I think your wrong.
Do I understand this correctly, you are punishing your SD because your wife do not want to work more / contribute more financially? How the f is it daughter fault that you have poor communication with your wife?!
YTA and a shit family member...
YTA, you are punishing the daughter for her mom not getting a better job. This is a wife problem, not a daughter problem. If daughter makes $350/mo and had saved 10k, she sounds responsible. If she is doing what she needs for college, reward her. Deal with your wife and your marriage separately
I think you’re more angry at your wife.
Yes you’re absolutely TA, taking out your resentments against your wife on a child. From what you describe there would be zero cons to you helping her with her education but you’ve twisted it into this whole thing. That girl will leave home realizing you never thought of her on the same level has the younger kid.
Yep YTA
YTA
Punishing your step-daughter for not letting you adopt her and erase her deceased dad, and for her mother not working is an asshole move. Always. If you're unhappy in your marriage, handle that separately. If you don't want to support extra people that you don't feel appreciated by, unpack that and either get over it or get a divorce. What you're doing right now is wrong. Figure out exactly what benefit options you have and whether they can be used up by one kid or apply to both. Then, figure out your future. Be clear to your wife that you are resentful of her refusal to financially contribute.
Are you going to use your son as a pawn for your resentment too or just her daughter?
Good lord, some people shouldn't reproduce. Of course YTA. And these are the people I'm supposed to respect simply for having been military? Lol the best and the brightest indeed.
Also, why would her daughter need to change her last name if you legally adopted her? You realize these are people and not possessions, right?
This is not about your step daughter. You and your wife have some issues to work on in marriage counseling. You seem to be unhappy with the small financial contribution your wife is being to the family....that is the issue. Your step daughter is caught in the middle. Don't punish her for something you and your wife need to work out
YTA. If even your government/military say she qualifies imagine how stingy you sound by not allowing her access to it. We now know why she didn’t take your surname even when her father is no longer alive. She doesn’t feel you are a father to her - because you don’t behave like one.
YTA those benefits don’t come out of yours, but my guy, it looks like you are using not-your money to coerce all the women in your life into living the way you think best for them. If this were a question of you writing a personal check, I could understand, but refusing to fill out a VA form to cover your daughter’s college education because you want your wife to get a higher-paying job is borderline insane.
And you do understand that she is your daughter, right?
If it's a matter of transferring your remaining GI Bill to her, then that DOES cost you something, since you can't decide to use that yourself in the future if you give it away. So, if that is what you are talking about, No is a fair answer.
If it isn't your GI Bill under discussion, the next question I have is it the benefits given for someone who is rated at 100% t&p that you are talking about? If so, does what it cost YOU to allow her to use your dependent benefitsWhat negative impact does it have on You, personally? If it's none, then you can be an asshat just for the sake of it if you want to be, but it isn't a good look.
Last question I have is, does it cost HER anything to use your disability benefits? It might. She may want to think about that and weigh the options.
edited for clarity.
YTA.
You can add your step-daughter to your benefits that do not take anything away from you or your family or the other kids but you choose not to because you want your wife to step up and get a better job? YTA
Help the kid out. College is ridiculously expensive - HOW IS THIS A QUESTION?
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Only on Reddit can you find so many people who are delusional enough to think their spouse’s kids from a previous marriage are optional accessories, like a fucking knockoff Coach purse. I’ve never seen anything like it elsewhere. YTA
Yes, YTA. I think it’s very wrong to deny your stepdaughter the benefits because you’re angry about your wife’s employment choices.
Please think about this, and go to see a therapist or counselor if you still think it’s ok to deny your stepdaughter benefits she’s allowed because your wife earns less money than you want her to earn. These are two very different issues and should be dealt with completely independently.
Also, it sounds like you’re making assumptions about her income streams. You said you think she gets $350/month from her father’s insurance. Is that amount definite? And how long does she get that amount?
Also, how long does she get her dad’s survivor’s benefits from Social Security? Those don’t go on indefinitely, and in our current environment, they could disappear at any time. I would not count on them if it were my kid.
YTA- So, you are punishing your step-daughter because you want her mother to behave differently? These are benefits that she is entitled to as your dependent, and YOU want to be the gatekeeper and not tell her about them in order to gain control over her mother, who had the audacity to ask you to help with housework and pack your own damn lunch while she was raising your son. A SAHM is supposed to mother your child, not you. As an ex-OMBUDSMAN, I am telling you that you are a piece of work and should be ashamed of yourself.
NTA. But get some couples therapy.
You are obviously bitter about your wife's work ethic. Get on the same page or get a divorce.
I suspect most people here don’t understand that you only have x amount of benefit time for college to give. I also suspect if your daughter applies for financial aid she will get a generous amount since her father passed. The only major help would be if you gave her even a month of benefits if she goes to an out of state school because then she could get in state tuition.
Depends. If they qualify for Chapter 35, each child and his spouse get their own allowance.
Your wife was taking care of your child, YTA for that
YTA. Half of this post was you shit talking your wife so it seems like you’re taking it out on the step daughter. Y’all have been married three years, why would she already see you as dad if she had one?
I’m medically retired from the army and the reason YTA is because it cost you nothing. Yeah you want her mom to get a job and yada yada yada… but why punish her?You literally can send however many dependents to school for FREE. And on top of that they get a stipend for school. As long as she’s kind and respectful I don’t see why she has to see you as a replacement father when she met you at 14.
God when I read these things I thank God I refuse to let a man into my or my kids life.
What the fuck is wrong with you ... its not costing you anything to let your step daughter benefit. Like seriously, why would you do that to a kid? To 'other' her from your bio child? So she doesnt get 'more' than you've deemed she deserves.
God you're an AH OP!!!
YTA SAHM “duties”, you don’t like that she stayed at home and did not do it they was YOU think it should be done so you want to punish her and your step daughter. I hope she leaves you and gets alimony.
YTA. I can see why she never chose your last name. You don’t deserve her (daughter) if you are so petty as to withhold a benefit as a form of punishment because she didn’t change her name. She is a CHILD that lost her dad, it’s probably emotionally complex. It also sounds like you don’t like your wife either.
I worked in this program and if you didn’t allot at least 1 month to your step-daughter before you retired, you cannot transfer any benefits to her now if you retired from the Army. If you did allot at least one month, you can give her more months as long as you take away months from your other dependents. I can’t tell you how many Army counselors and the VA gave retirees and Soldiers currently serving in all compos the wrong information.
Just like the court system seems to think that they can put the spouse will receive transfer of education benefits (TEB) in the divorce decree. As we told divorced spouses who called in and were pissed that we would not give them access to their ex-soldiers TEB account, federal law states TEB is not marital property. The Soldier can allow their ex-spouse to keep any benefits that are given before the divorce but the Soldier also has the right to revoke any/all of those benefits.
Is the benefit for only 1 child? If so then giving it to your bio child NTA
HOWEVER, if benefit is good for all children - why not?
If you are a disabled veteran, your family members qualify for VA tuition assistance. This is different than your post 9/11 or any other assistance.