So my brother died quite suddenly due to drug use, and it devastated me. Me and my aunts and Nan (both parents dead) planned the funeral fairly quickly and they decided everyone should wear color for the day. I was going to wear black as I was going to be a pallbearer for him. We get to the funeral and I see everyone wearing color and remember about it. My wife sees it too and immediately says "why is everyone in color" and I replied with "I'm sorry I forgot all about it" She replies with "I'm so humiliated, I'm the odd one out, I feel so stupid, how could you forget" And i snapped at her telling her it's not the time or place right now. i feel like she was making a very emotional day for me, all about her or AITAH?
In all honesty, no your NTA. Should you have told her? Yes. But grief really messes people up, when my grandfather died a couple of months ago I couldn’t even tell you what day it was, there’s so much going on emotionally you really just go into survival mode. Take it easy and I’m really sorry for your loss. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your favorite memory of you guys together?
Thank you so much, it's been a hard road and it still hurts. My favorite memory of us 2 has to be the time we were round a friend's smoking some lettuce, everytime i looked at him, he would pull such a stupid face that would make tears of laughter! But whenever anyone else looked, his face was normal pretending to be confused about what I was laughing at, and he just kept doing that and i can't remember the last time I laughed so hard that my ribs ached for a week after
That is a fantastic memory! Thanks for sharing, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Oh, and obviously, NTA.
Remembering the good times can ease the pain!
I’m so sorry for your loss & you’re NTA.
I’m happy you have those memories. You’ll always have those. Cherish them.
One of my brothers used to do the same thing to me. I even got sent to my room from the supper table when I was 18 & he’s was 19 acting all innocent & shit.
I used to call him Peter pan bc he never grew up, really. When his daughter ( now 34) was like 14/15 he coached her softball team & they were behind a few runs in a game. He called a time out & had them huddled in the dugout.
Says he had good news & bad news. The bad news is, they are behind. The good news was he saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico insurance. Sent them back out to the field. They still lost, but it wasn’t that bad. One of the girls told that story at his memorial service in 2017. We lost him to colon/rectal cancer when he was 49. He sure is missed.
Remember the good times man! Always! Chin up!
Just reading this made me laugh out loud.
Literal LOL
Honestly, everytime I think of that memory, no matter my mood it just makes it better!
I miss my older brother so much STILL after 10 years. But I still can't help but smile when I think of my brother making the Harpo Marx face where he blows out his cheeks and his face looks like a balloon about to pop!
Lol! Thats so funny! He has an awesome sense of humor that you’ll never forget!
Lol I actually really love that! Keep those memories alive, thinking of the good times always helps me a lot
She should know you are in no state to remember all things accurately in that situation.
Thank you for sharing that.
Man, how could you choose such a selfish person as a wife? At a time like this, she's thinking about how stupid or ugly she'll feel instead of focusing on supporting you and being there for you. Honestly, you made a bad choice, and now you know how she acts in the worst moments.
Seriously? Because she was annoyed about something silly at a bad time she was a poor choice for a wife? You know what OP, don’t just regret the choice call a lawyer! Fuckin reddit trolls really need to step away from their pc and interact with actual humans.
Im also very sorry for the loss of your Grandfather, what was your favorite memory with him if you don't mind me asking?
I'm not who you were asking but when we lost my Grandmother she had been unconscious in the hospital for 3 days. We expected her to go any moment but she just kept hanging in there. Different family members took shifts being with her during that whole time. At one point a cousin I had not seen in a while and I went out to lunch to catch up. We laughed a lot. Then, we were coming back up the elevator and reminded ourselves to put the serious face back on.
The elevator door opens and his sister is sitting there with this giddy look on her face giggling. We are both like, WTF is wrong with you!? She blurts out, "I just told Mamaw the blowjob joke!" We stare at her in utter confusion. "She is awake, and all she wants to do is hear dirty jokes!"
The next 30 minutes were possibly my favorite 30 minutes of my entire life! Joke after raunchy joke. I can never remember jokes so I was incredibly thrilled when I actually thought of one that made her laugh. Then she said she needed to rest and closed her eyes. The next morning she passed peacefully in her sleep.
My beloved grandmother's last joke: What is the difference between half an orange and a donkey's asshole? Suck em' and find out!
😂😂 i love every part of that story! Your Grandmother sounds like an absolute legend, and I am so sorry for your loss
I love it! She sounds amazing!
My favorite memory was one time in high school I had a bunch of friends over and my grandfather ended up hanging out with us and just telling us stories. He told us about how Roberto Clemente was his best friend and how he’d take trips from Puerto Rico to the states frequently with him. He gave us a lot of lore lol. My friends were in awe and every time they came around they would ask if my grandpa could hang out too 😂 He was diagnosed with Dementia so the stories stopped, but two things he would never forget were dancing salsa or the hatred for my grandmother which would make us all laugh because they would bicker like they were still married (they were literally only married for ten years 😂😂)
I love the fact that you have great memories to remember him by! The dementia must of been really hard for you, and I'm sorry you had to experience that! Thank you for sharing your story :)
you didn’t ask me, but my grandpa died of brain cancer 6 years ago. a year before he did, on christmas, he got me a set of leather bracelets with silver spikes that i hadn’t even told him i’d been wanting but somehow he knew anyway. i was a fairly alternative kid and that was the first time someone on my dad’s side of the family seemed to accept that part of me, and i’ve never forgotten how warm it made me feel when i opened that package and got the ensuing hug from my grandpa
Thank you for sharing your story :) and that sounds like a wonderful memory, being accepted by family is always an awesome feeling, and I'm so sorry for your loss
Honestly it confuses me that this was her biggest concern that day.
It’s just how different people grieve, my mom is the same way and it helps them not focus on their grief. Basically a defense mechanism, putting your emotions behind something else. Its not okay at all, but that’s on them to heal that
Probably wasn't but timing was waaay off.
At my Dad’s funeral I was so strung out and fogged up and running around trying to take care of everything that the funeral director - who I introduced myself to despite meeting him twice a day for the previous three days - had to take me aside and talk to me to give me some peace from everyone else. If someone criticised me for not telling them a dress code I probably would have cried and not from grief. NTA.
Don't feel bad about snapping - it was a difficult and emotional time for you. And if it's any consolation to your wife, her wearing black matched well with what you were wearing, and wouldn't have looked wrong surrounded by colour. Black never does.
My mother died two days ago. That stuff fucks with your head. You've got all these emotions to process, yet you also have to do all this practical stuff like get death certificates, cancel pension plans, organise funerals. Its not easy because one state of mind is totally at odds with the other. Its hard to remember what day it is, let alone what clothes you need to wear days later. You made an understandable mistake in the middle of grief.
Honestly, I think your wife was kinda cruel to be concerned about "looking the odd one out," at a funeral. I can't believe she could be as close to your brother as you were, so I can't imagine she was also so overcome with grief that she'd forget the obvious in that moment.
Don't get me wrong, I can understand why she might feel like she's suddenly looking like the equivalent of a guest in white at a wedding. She was probably mortified that people would think she did it on purpose to get attention. But it was still your brother's funeral. YOUR. BROTHER. She needed to swallow her pride in that moment and not lash at at you over it.
Having said all that, I actually don't think either of you were assholes. You made a legitimate mistake that is understandable under the circumstances and she spoke without thinking during a moment of perceived social humiliation. Your reaction in the moment was also justified. But now that its over, you need to sit down with her and have a conversation. You can work this out through expressing your feelings and everything you've probably been burying inside this whole time and perhaps when she understands how you've been feeling inside, she'll also be able to express what led her to that momentary meltdown.
One thing to learn from all this is that its better to sit down and try and work out problems with your loved-ones, no matter who was right or wrong, because you never know how much longer you may have together.
First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, this must be one of the most difficult times of your life. Make sure you eat little and often for the moment even if you don't feel hungry, just nibble. And take care of yourself! And also thank you for your comment, it's perfectly balanced and i appreciate it
Thank you for your words, too. As I'm sure you know, every little helps. I hope you and your wife can get through this together and be strong, brother.
You're very welcome, and we are taking some space at the moment so im waiting for her to text me and it's torture 😂 so time will tell
Damn. I'll tell you about one of the last times I had an argument with my mum. it wasn't recent, but it was whilst she was ill (she had dementia) and I got angry with her and snapped, then stormed off. Her dementia wasn't so bad at the time that it was something that would excuse what she did to upset me, so I wasn't being a total asshole to someone who didn't know better. She was actually kinda mean.
But it was ultimately less than five minutes before I turned back, went back to her and talked it out, making it clear that no matter what had happened, I didn't want to hurt her. You see, I knew she was ill (and just old) and I knew there was always a possibility she wouldn't be there tomorrow, so it wasn't worth waiting and possibly losing all chance of ever speaking to her again and rectifying a stupid argument.
The point being - just call her, dude. Don't wait. The best advice someone ever gave to me for maintaining a good relationship was "never go to bed on an argument." It doesn't matter who was right or wrong. You can sort that out when you talk it out. Just don't leave it to fester. Its not worth it.
Likely she did not want to be seen as showing disrespect. Maybe ppl are very judgemental where they live.
Genuine question because of genuine confusion here. So, you honestly think he needs to sit down with her and verbally explain why he was sad and grieving over his brother at his brother's funeral? How could the funeral not be enough for understand this is a sad time in his life? If she is truly that vapid and devoid of understanding basic human emotion with the insistent need for everything to be centered around her or make everything about her; do you really think it is a good idea for them to continue a relationship where only she is the center of it?
That's not what I was saying. I was saying that he should explain how the grief can make you forget the sort of things you'd normally remember, such as a dress code. Until you've experienced that sort of grief, it can be beyond understanding as to what it does to your mind. That's what he needs to explain.
One of the biggest failures in relationships is that people simply assume that because they experience the world in a certain way, everyone should understand that. But its not always clear, especially when people often - intentionally or not - try and mask how they're really feeling.
The thing is, her reaction wasn't necessarily centred around her. That's a potential possibility, but its also possible that she was mortified because her looking out of place would upset the funeral. That's not to say her reaction was well thought-out, but that's the point. We all make rash, emotional decisions when under pressure and she may have reacted poorly, but unintentionally.
Ultimately, the only way to know is to sit down and talk it out. That way you learn whether or not you've missed something or if, as you say, she's just vapid and devoid of understanding.
But if you just jump to the conclusion that she's devoid of understanding, without bothering to look into it any deeper, how are you any better? If she has a good reason and you don't bother to find out, wouldn't that make you devoid of understanding, too?
Or just get divorced every time you have an argument with your partner. That's another option. But you'll get through a lot of partners that way.
I am so sorry; but, that still just sounds so crazy to me. For someone to have never had a bad day in their life or face that level of sadness in their life (as much as it sucks to say, humans don't live forever) is just so wild to me. Honestly, that is a miracle I wish for everyone; but, that is so often not the case. Also, emotional insensitivity and a lack of empathy are considered very undesirable traits (look up dating shows, dating polls, etc) and I am so sorry that you believe these traits are just so common in prespective partners that if you don't just accept it, you're really out of luck finding a partner. Most adults are well adjusted and have a basic understanding of situational awareness in an emotional capacity, as I have seen and witnessed. I don't know your relationship status; but, if you are currently single and a serious relationship is on your mind, please broaden your mind before you attempt this and you might be pleasantly surprised about how wrong you are.
Also, there is no good reason to start an argument at a funeral with somebody who has just lost a loved one. The funeral is a time for the family to grieve and unite, not witness a member of their family get verbally attacked by an outsider who has no business bringing their personal problems to something they really didn't even need to be at. If she wasn't there to show her support, why bring down the day even more or just make it extremely uncomfortable and awkward for everybody else there?
Honestly, I have no words.
No one is the asshole.
Everyone deals with grief the differently, and you forgetting to tell her, while totally benign and understandable, likely makes her look like she's not in alignment with your family while they mourn. She's likely concerned others will see her as disrespectful.
You snapped, which you recognize was out of line. She's nkt making it about her, she just wasn't thinking. You need to apologise for snapping, sit down with her, and touch base. Your loss is still fresh and very heavy, and you're not in your best frame of mind, and likely neither is she. Give eachother some grace.
To add to that, it's not like she can say OP forgot to tell her without looking like an asshole blaming the brother of who died.
Then she shouldn't say anything at all. Honestly, he could've said something about it to his family at a later time or even when the funeral was nearing the end; but, with the way she reacted I'm glad he didn't. Also, she did simulatiously blame the brother of who died and showing herself to be a very self centered person, which either makes her TA. The outfit might have been forgiven by the family (if it was even an issue); but, starting an argument with a member of the grieving family is not going to be forgotten or forgiven by the family. He is somebody's son, somebody's brother, somebody's cousin, etc in his family and people usually don't take kindly to outsiders disrespecting their family members.
How is not making it about her? The point of the funeral is that other people have chosen to celebrate the life of the departed. That has absolutely nothing to do with her. Do you really think that people are going to put aside their grief of losing someone important in their lives to remember the color of an outfit someone wore as if that's more important? As if her presence is more important than the life of his brother?
She was absolutely wrong for attempting to start an argument with someone whose heart is clearly heavy. She could have made that remark after the funeral, or she could have just not made that self centered remark at all. He apologized and she continued to have a go at him. How could you honestly think he needs to apologize at all, especially when he was provoked by her?
It's called "giving people the benefit of the doubt." Give it a try some time.
No, it's called respecting the people who are actually mourning and not making it about yourself. Please, never go a funeral if the depth of your concern or caring is only centered around you. Nobody is going to take the time to praise you on what you wore (or even make a comment about your outfit at the funeral), and you're just going to make it awkward and uncomfortable because of your disinterest by an event not being centered around you.
Thank you all for the replies! We are currently separated at the moment, and she brought that day up during a discussion about feelings. And it actually made me question myself
My guess would be that in her eyes it was just one more thing you didn’t tell her about so she felt she wasn’t important enough to let her know. You forgot yourself so this one doesn’t count. She just wanted another example of a bigger picture of trouble in your marriage. Worst thing we do when breaking up is bring up the past instead of just saying we aren’t clicking anymore. Sorry about losing your brother. I’ve lost two. It’s emotional. My one brother was not nice. I sobbed through the entire event and most people probably thought it was because I was gonna miss him.
This is very important context. She’s awful for bringing it up in this context. She was more in the wrong in a both-did-something-wrong scenario and only sees your part.
You were grieving on the one hand and organising his funeral on the other. You mind was filled with that. I can see where you forgot as you wore black.
She should have understood and not make a big thing about it.
I don’t think that YTA, but I do have some sympathy for your wife.
Clearly she was feeling anxious and out of synch with the family, that kind of disconnect doesn’t happen from one forgotten communication.
When I read the OP I thought that she clearly didn’t feel comfortable with your family and thought that they would judge her.
I don’t know if that’s right or not, only you know the wider family dynamics. But it is difficult for many people, integrating into a different tribe.
That’s very sad she brought that up. Anything you did or didn’t do on the day of your brother’s funeral shouldn’t be used in conversations. I am sure there is so much more going on between you and your wife, but this one instance shouldn’t be mentioned.
Eh, her feelings are valid too. If things were already strained between them.... She's going to mention the feelings from that event.
In the event they didn't have a healthy discussion after the funeral then he was naturally going to be left with a biased opinion of her (eg that for her it was all about her) and her feeling biased (eg he absolutely does not have her back or able to communicate about little stuff let alone the big stuff). Those are just examples totally pulled out of thin air, no idea of their individual issues.
Neither of them are TAH, or overreacting. Just a shitty day filled with clouds of grief.
There is that. It sounds like there is more to the separation and that was one thing that added to it. She was embarrassed. He snapped at her. It’s sad to see or hear about relationships that deteriorate. Life isn’t easy.
I think I can see why you’re separated just from her behavior in this story. Egocentric wife.
Was your response perfect? No.
Were you wrong? No.
I think given the situation if I were you I may apologize if my tone was agressive or loud, but I would also state that I stand by my comment and deserve an apology as well.
NTA
NTA: it’s not all about her.
My wife died 2 years ago. I am still forgetting things, my mind is in a fog. Grief does that.
Forgetting about wearing color is totally understandable. You are not as together as you think you are, trust me. I know I am not.
NTA. Give yourself some grace during this loss, and I hope your wife also gives you some grace.
So sorry for your loss.
I just want to thank everyone for all your comments! It's been a rough couple of weeks and hearing all sides of this is really helping to ground me, so again thank you all ❤️
There's a time and a place to have a vanity complex and that time is not shortly after a close relative has died and that place is not at said relatives funeral, in the presence of mourners
NTA, dealing with stuff like that is hard.
I get your wife feeling embarrassed. I showed up to a wedding in a very definitely dress way over the top for the event. Love my best friend and his dad but they do not understand social graces and rules at all. It was kind of embarrassing. Luckily my toddler was acting up so I got to hide in the coat closet half the reception dealing with his behavior. It was fine no one cared.
So she showed up in black. I doubt anyone would actually care. That is normal for a funeral. Things get lost in translation sometimes. She had one job that day which was to support you. She failed at that. This was a situation that could have been dealt with later.
Maybe you shouldn't have snapped but you can't be expected to be perfect at all times. I bet she isn't perfect herself. Never met a perfect human being before.
Yes, thank you for saying that. I don't get why so many people are glossing over that. An inlaw not supporting their partner at a funeral is much more memorable than wearing the same color as your partner. If anything, her matching colors with him could have been seen as solidarity, support and unity with/for her partner; but, there is no room for interpretation when starting a fight with your partner on a day that is already devasting enough for the family as a whole.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. The day was probably hard enough to deal with and having your wife voice her humiliation for wearing the wrong color of clothing would have been frustrating to deal with on top of everything else. There are worse things you could have said than saying this isn’t the time or place. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Thank you
My brother died at 39 the same way. I keep all the good memories. He was the funniest person I ever met. I let go of the bad memories. Just remember his smile
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.
NAH. You're excused for forgetting to tell her, she was embarrassed. No one was having a good day.
It's ok to apologize if you think it will smooth things over with your wife.
Definitely not a hill to die on. Move on and take care of yourself and your family.
Thank you for your kind words :)
You're very welcome :)
Heres how i wouldve reacted if i showed up to my BILs funeral like she did:
Me: "why is everyone in color? Did i miss something?"
Hus.: "i forgot to tell you..."
Me: "well thats ok! Youve had a lot to deal with recently. so lets just take a breath together and make it through the day, together."
This is how normal people who care and have empathy react. NTA, your wife sure as F is.
I think this is why I snapped at her, I honestly expected that to be her reaction but when she was saying the complete opposite, it hurt me more on a day I was already hurting to the max
I completely understand! How you discuss this with her, is up to you. You can either go the diplomat route and sit her and down and explain why it was a problem and see what she does/says. Or, you can leave here. Theres plenty of options you could also do nothing and ignore it happened.
This.
Grief makes everyone extra sensitive, but on the scale of offenses, your snap is pretty minor compared to turning your brother’s funeral into a conversation about outfit humiliation. I’d call this understandable, not asshole.
Nta you are grieving of course you're going to forget something that's not that major such as wearing a color.
NTA. You’re grieving your brother. Yes someone should have said but alot was going on.
Nta, you have more a more pressing issue at hand that it taking up space in your mind.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss.
NAH. Of course this wasn’t top of your mind. You were grieving and devastated. Sure, you should have told her, she wasn’t an AH to be embarrassed she hadn’t abided by the family agreed dress code. But, give grace to yourself. Ultimately the clothing does not matter at all. I am so sorry for your loss.
I think the general rule should be: don’t judge others or yourself for what they do or say or don’t do at moments of extreme stress and grief: funerals, their weddings, birth, job loss, divorce, etc. Let things go .
in this situation neither of you are the asshole. You both are processing grief in your own personal way.
NAH.
You forgot to tell her, because you were grieving. That's normal and natural. I lost two close family members, with little to no warning, back to back (within 1.5 months of each other) at the end of last year. I forgot so many things in the aftermath. Even big things. Grief kinda takes over for a while. And that's not the fault of the person grieving.
At the same time, I understand your wife's feelings too. She's probably worried that the family will think she didn't care enough to follow the funeral's dress code or that she was being disrespectful/trying to draw the attention by dressing differently.
Both of your feelings were valid here, because grief and loss is a nasty thing to navigate.
Thank you for your reply, and I am sorry for your losses for last year 😢
Thank you. And I'm sorry for your loss of your brother. I'm doing better now that I was months ago, and every day is a bit easier.
I wish you the best OP.
Glad to hear it's getting easier for you, it's a slow process but one day you'll wake up and be ok! Wish you all the best too :)
It’s totally understandable to not be your best self while grieving. And she wasn’t her best self either - she was focused on the wrong thing. But being understandable does absolve you of being accountable. Apologize. And she owes you an apology too. Try to forgive and move on.
I don’t know either of you but if I was your wife, I would just feel like I might be making a negative statement about not caring enough for your brother to wear color at the funeral. She didn’t want you or her to look disrespectful. I do, however, think it is strange to dictate a color at a funeral? Never heard of that.
Ahh so my brother was a big fan of colors, and they decided to do that for him. I wore black as a sign of respect for him and he always said I looked good in black
I will not say you’re completely wrong but she was probably worried about being viewed as disrespectful by your family. Things like that stay in peoples minds. You don’t want your family to think of her as that wife.
Edit: you said you guys are separated. Not surprised. You said she brought it up. It stayed in her head. Good luck.
Yet having an unnecessary argument with a member of the family (and attempting to place blame on them) at a family funeral could be seen as more disrespectful. If she wants to be seen as a good wife, the last thing she should be doing is making herself out to be an enemy.
It’s not an argument to be upset that she wasn’t given the color code. She’s not making herself out to be the enemy for being offended. Not everything is that black and white.
Was that not the basis of their argument? She complained about it, he apologized, and then she continued to complain until he snapped. Is that not how an argument happens?
I think there’s some background information missing because in another comment op mentioned that she brought it back up while they are currently separated. Personally, I don’t think either one of them is right.
In my opinion, I wouldn’t put my spouse in a position to be embarrassed, regardless of what’s going on. United front always.
NTA but I don’t think your wife is either. But she is at the same time. Like yeah why didn’t you tell her, but hey his brother just fucking overdosed so maybe his head wasn’t in the right place to remember a pretty insignificant detail. I would’ve told her to shut the fuck up too tbh.
To bring this up later as a moment where you hurt her feelings definitely does make her the ass in my opinion. Like have some empathy and think beyond yourself.
I’m sorry for your loss. This is a situation where ideally both partners would accept that tensions were high but love each other enough to both apologize and both forgive. She shouldn’t have made your brother’s funeral about her and her outfit, ideally you wouldn’t have snapped at her. I want to say she was TAH for adding to your stress, but the fact that you want to throw blame without recognizing you did wrong too makes me say you’re both in the wrong.
Edit: I saw your comment that she brought this up during separation to show how wrong you were, so she’s definitely 100% TAH.
Thank you, but I do recognise I did wrong. Yes I should have told her - period. I have no excuse for not telling her, but my mind was a blur that day, I tried being strong then burst into tears ironing a shirt. I also understand how she felt aswel, but I feel like it should of been addressed on a different day
If she had been actually supporting you through such a devastating situation, she would have known about the dress code because she would have been there when it was discussed.
It was a NAH for the day of the funeral and now very much she's TA for ever bringing it up again. She's had time to reflect on her poor choice of reactions and she hasn't done so.
ESH yes you were grieving but snapping at your wife over YOUR mistake is not okay. Have you apologised to her for snapping?
Your wife should have just let it go. Pretty sure nobody could give two hoots about what anybody was wearing. The clothing worn at a funeral is the absolute least important detail of the day. Is she normally very insecure and overly concerned with what others think?
Yes I did apologise for snapping at her, it was an emotional day for me and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
NTA!! You were upset about losing your brother, she was upset over a color? No comparison. I'm sorry about your brother. Hugs from a reddit mom.
I’ve been to more funerals than I can count which is why I can say that people absolutely do talk trash about how family members are dressed. Some even have the audacity to say something to the family about it. OP’s wife’s feelings were valid. She said one thing about it. It’s not like she went on a rant.
Please read the full post before you comment. She did not just say one thing about and her self centered ego has no validity. If the only person she can think about is herself; then she shouldn't have even been there because that is actually disrespectful. He apologized the first time (which is more than enough because the funeral had absolutely nothing to do with her) and then she continued the argument, attempting to center the whole day around her and on her outfit.
No she did go on a rant, thats why I snapped at her, saying it's not the time or the place right now, then I got out the car and went to my family and his daughter
Four short sentences is not a rant. I get that it wasn’t the right time to raise the issue but snapping at her and storming off wasn’t an appropriate response either.
It's that hard to believe that OP condensed the conversation instead of writing a detailed log of every sentence?
It's the first time you see someone summarizing a conversation instead of giving a detailed verbatim?
Were you actually there to be able to contradict OP and say that it wasn't a rant?
Calm down. I’m assuming that OP told us what his wife said. Who am I to suggest that she said more than that when nothing in OP’s post suggests that? How am I wrong for taking OP at his word? I can disagree with OP that what he describes constitutes a rant. It’s called an opinion.
So there was more said but I think my brain has forgotten some of it because it was painful to me, what i included in the post was the bare bones of it, it was a 3 minute conversation in the car when all I wanted to do was go out and give my neice a hug on her dad's funeral
But you aren't taking his word when he has corrected you and has said that it was a rant.
So what? You only take his word some times?
Who are you to suggest that he's wrong in his assessment that it was a rant? Again: where you there?
ETA: Blocking me after replying so I can't reply back, real mature u/Mother_Tradition_774
I disagree that what OP’s wife said would be considered a rant. I disagree with his description of his wife’s behavior, not what actually happened. I’m not going back and forth about this. It’s silly.
Yes, please stop replying with your contradictory nonsense as it is silly. The fact that you are trying to bait OP into writing a full chapter or a very short autobiography of that whole day is very obvious and not going to happen. He has listed all the important/revelant information in his post and that is enough. Either you think he's TAH or you don't, which you very obviously do. It's very obvious how self centered you are and how you have no problem being disrespectful during a time in someone else's life when their heart is heavy with grief and sadness.
So long as they were dressed appropriately, the fact they were in black is explainable to anyone questioning later. And her complaint was not valid as she was not the only one in black.
It's a minor mistake considering his brother just died, she's making it all about her and how embarrassed she is.
Easy NTA.
NTA she cared more about appearances and what other people thought of her instead of reading the room and understanding your brother's funeral was not the time or place to have a melt down over something so superficial as the color of clothing. She made everything about her at literally one of the worst moments of your life, creating drama and more stress for you, instead of being supportive and comforting to you. It's totally understandable that you snapped at her.
Yes, exactly! Thank you!
Nta. As your wife she should understand your grieving the loss of your brother. It’s hard and you’re not going to remember small details especially when so much is going in. She made it about herself and that’s not right. It was a mistake in a stressful time.
Damn OP just lost his only sibling and his wife chose to make it about herself by going into a rant (yes, a rant, check OP's comments) and people here validating her actions and feelings? WTAF
To those that are judging E S H or Y T A: Where did all that chat about supporting your partner in difficult moments go? Why are her feelings more important than OP's grief that she needed to RANT at the fucking FUNERAL?
Hard NTA.
If I could up vote this a lot more than once, I absolutely would.
Nta
Forgiveness all around. It's a tough situation.
NTA
NTA
You were there to bury your sibling that died too soon. She didn't need to start complaining about the color of clothes at the funeral, or really at all. You have enough on your plate. She was thoughtless and rude and unsupportive.
My parents died 14 years ago. My mom's funeral process was a horrible chaotic mess. And her passing was a humongous surprise, so yes, emotions were everywhere. My dad's funeral process was easy, simple, and loving. I felt like I did an amazing job for him when it came to following his wishes AND balancing my grief.
All that to say I left my mom's funeral and there's STILL bad blood because of the process. Maybe had we (me and my adversaries, lol) sat down sooner, things would have been easier for our relationships and maybe we wouldn't be still tiptoeing around each other's feelings. CALL your wife. TALK to her. LISTEN to each other. Then LET IT GO. 💙
I would call her, but she said she wants space, and that she can't make a decision, and everytime I call or text she says she can't think properly. I've put in so much effort recently so I think I'm OK with a bit of space
Honestly, if this is the way she is choosing to treat you after choosing to make a scene at your brother's funeral; I'm surprised you're even giving the time of day at this point. You can't even focus on the process of mourning your brother because she has put your focus on an unnecessary fight she chose to start. Maybe this is a sign from the universe or a big wake up call; that are many people in this world that have empathy and emotional awareness extending beyond themselves; but, she is clearly not one of them. The fact that you're choosing to focus on her right now shows how great of a guy are and how big your heart is. My heart goes out to you and you need to be focusing on yourself right now. Please really consider if this is what you want the rest of your life to be like (and maybe don't get back together with her).
NTA , who give a fuk about clothinig colors at ur brother funeral. Plus, its not like she is black in a sea of white. its just colorful and she is black thats it. So incredibly self centered.
NTA
I understand being worried about how others perceive you, but events like funerals are where you put that aside. In that moment, there was an alternate choice to understand how overwhelmed you must be in the moment and the sympathize. Maybe ask if you wanted to try and borrow or find some color, or go home and change. Taking it personally and projecting any insecurity onto you just isn't really fair.
NTA! Your wife really made it about herself. Wow.
She's definitely TAH. I don’t care what anybody else is commenting. You just lost someone so incredibly important to you and all she is worried about is her outfit color! Does she even care about your brother or the fact that you just lost him?! The fact that she even thinks that anyone is going to take the time to put aside their grief of losing a loved one to remember what color outfit she was wearing on a day that had absolutely nothing to do with her is beyond me. Also, she was wearing black, which is the traditional color to wear to an American funeral. Honestly, if I was there and saw the two of you both wearing black; I honestly would have thought it was a relationship partner solidarity thing and how nice it was that she would choose to match with you/wear the same color as you to show her support for you and unity to you. Bottom line is, you did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation and I am terribly sorry for your loss. I truly hope she gets over herself and chooses to emotionally be there for you if she continues to be a part of your life.
NTA she WAS making it all about her. And you were right to shut that shit down the way you did.
NTA. First off I'm sorry for your loss. She's making this about herself. I would have snapped as well. This was a funeral not a fashion show.
The loss of a sibling is just devastating. You forgot to tell her and she overreacted. Please be good to yourself and give yourself some grace. What color your wife had on is minor. You were understand snapped. It happens.
NTA- you had enough on your mind
NTA, you silly!
Your wife could have gone to the closest department store to buy you an extremely colorful tie and her a colorful scarf.
BUT. Hopefully your both past all that now.
So sorry about your loss.
NTA. She was a little thoughtless given what was going on.
Dude, really? She makes a huge deal about not being dressed like everyone else and gives you hell because you forgot, literally minutes before you bury your brother.
And you wonder if you’re the AH?
You’re NTA
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Of course I apologised later, the last thing I wanted to do was snap at someone that day. However, my family are really easy going and no one would of even questioned her outfit choice
You had nothing to apologize for
YTA. You made a mistake and took it out on your wife...
During times of grief we are agitated and may be snippy.
He's got more important things on his mind to worry about, meanwhile she's such a superficial AH that she cares more about her outfit than supporting her grieving husband. A slip of the mind for something so inconsequential does not mean he made a mistake. Calling out her shittiness is not taking it out on her.
She shouldn't have been selfish.
YTA it’s an important moment and you failed to tell one of the most important people in your life. Then you snap at HER for something that is YOUR fault. You owe her a GIANT apology. You forgot about her, period. Yes, she’s humiliated, then you dump on her. Again YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE
Imagine being this bad at reading comprehension. OP wore black too. She wasn’t the only person there in black, and even if she were? Time and fucking place. She could have done a million other things, but instead she chose to make OP’s grief and his brother’s funeral about her.
You need reading comprehension where you clearly missed that he forgot to tell his wife about color. That’s the issue. It DOESN’T say she’s in black (maybe implied because it’s a funeral) but everyone is in color and she’s the odd one out. Again, that’s the issue. Also, HE didn’t tell her, another issue. How do YOU fail to comprehend this?
Lol what a terrible take.
It may be to some, but it is their opinion and I respect all opinions, whether they are positive or negative
Respect your wife and apologize for not telling her about color. THAT is the issue, everything else is noise. While we can be anything we want online, this comes from someone who has been with the same woman (my wife) for over 40 years. I guarantee you, the ones saying NTA have not.
He failed to tell his wife, one of the most important people in his life. Spoken like someone who’s never been in a long term relationship.
You're acting like he forgot to tell his wife what bin day it was.
To not give anybody any leniency when they've lost their Brother is ridiculous. To back her up caring about the colour of her clothes at a funeral when people are dealing with untold grief is selfish.
I've been with my wife since 2010, happily married since 2014, so I guess you're bad at judging everybody in the end. 💁🏻♂️
I’ve been with mine since 1988 while you’re BULLSH!TING. She is one of the, if not THE most important person in his life and he FORGOT! I’d gladly give him leniency IF he hadn’t snap at her or immediately apologized for snapping. Yes, it’s stressful, yes, it’s a real moment dealing with his brother’s death. BUT 👏 HE👏 FORGOT 👏 Then snapped. Why is that so hard to understand? She didn’t deserve it. That’s the bottom line. You’re still part of the noise. He needs to apologize and let her know the he’s sorry for not informing her, the tradgedy overwhelmed him, NOT act like she did something wrong. It’s on him, PERIOD!