I am going to chime in here. No, neither partner has right to demand a baby from their SO or anyone else for that matter.. Children should be a mutually agreed upon decision with the full consent of both parties. If either is a no, then kids should be a no go and they should look for more compatible partners.
That's an odd question. Of course the wife has that right, just like the husband has the right to expect his partner to be able to connect with him sexually.
This stuff needs to get figured out BEFORE marriage though. If the wife thinks sex is only for babies and the husband thinks sex is about connecting with your partner then they're not even close to being on the same wavelength.
You've had a dead bedroom for 2 years? At least until she decided she wanted to get pregnant.
This is a major incompatibility and it's unfortunate that too many people go into a marriage either hiding their real selves or thinking they can change the other person. Your sex drives are very different with hers nonexistent, and it's very unlikely it's going to change. She is never going to suddenly find her sex drive and decide she wants to have sex more frequently. So that leaves you to decide if this is really how you want to live the rest of your life. Can you settle for only being used for your sperm and never having your needs met? Or maybe the better option is to realize this relationship is not what you want for yourself and your life and maybe it's time to pull the plug so you can find someone who actually is compatible.
I love my wife. We've been married 3.5 years, together for 5.5. I ignored the sexual incompatibility because I loved her deeply and thought what we had was real. But it went from limited to nothing soon into the relationship. Three months before our wedding up until now, we have been intimate twice. 2 times. In 3 years and 9 months. I love her and wish things were different. I think we're both realizing they'll never change, and we will end up bitter and resentful if we don't stop now, while we truly care for one another.
Yes, This kind of relationship brings frustration and destruction to self-confidence. People need to be loved but desired too, especially in the long-term relationships
Yes to all of this, the only thing I'd add is that it wouldn't work if she decided to have sex with him just to appease either, because for op it's about connection and turning it into a chore would make it awful for both. The decision is pretty much obvious but only op can make it
Do not have a kid with her unless you get all of this sorted out. Maybe seek couples and sex counseling.
She says "purely for your pleasure". Does your wife experience orgasm when you guys are intimate? If she doesn't that may be one of the main reasons she sees it as pointless.
I think this is a really important point and makes me think there is more to the story. If she is not getting any pleasure out of having sex, why? Maybe he could try to make sex more pleasurable for her and she would be interested.
Honestly, for women sexual arousal starts in the head. If a woman feels unvalued, unloved, exhausted, she won’t be in the mood. That’s something to discuss in counseling.
Or men can take time to ask and figure out what it takes for their woman to orgasm. Just because it "can be complex for women", doesn't mean it isn't desired or deserved.
There are so many ways to provide an O for women. The amount of material available to watch and toys that can be used is incredible.
If your partner can’t “get there” then ask them if you can bring in a toy or to send you some material they are interested in so you feel like you’re equals in and out of the bedroom.
It might take a bit of trust building before it’s sorted out but if both parties are willing, then this is an obstacle than can be overcome.
A lot of men feel like a woman’s orgasm is a judgment on their ability to be “good” at sex. They take it personal and then the woman feels like she has to take care of her partners feelings/is responsible for his feelings instead of being heard and open to rectifying the issues.
Please do not get tied up with her for the next 18 years financially and emotionally by bringing a child into the world until you have the physical aspect of your relationship settled. Unfortunately, if you can’t, you may have to cut your losses and get a divorce.
So she stopped once she got what she wanted? And now she wants a baby, so she needs it from you. Certainly going back to being roommates once pregnant. Think you might have been roped iin to create the life she wanted.
You do all the cooking and cleaning, make all the money, and have a sexless marriage. What the F are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like nothing.
Honestly dawg, because it sounds like you gave her everything she wanted. I’ve been in this exact position and it’s heartbreaking. We was using sex as a hook to get it, and now she has it, in her mind she doesn’t need to keep her hooks in you.
Honestly I’d seriously consider not continuing with this relationship without serious therapy and certainly not bringing a child into it.
Currently in it. It’s difficult to navigate and something we’re exploring with our own therapists.
I feel lucky that we’re both 1) not married 2) dating for slightly over 1 year 3) support ethnical non-monogamy but yeah it’s beginning to feel not compatible
Sounds like she liked you for what you can provide. Not you the person. Like she played the long game and pretended to be into sex but only did it to get you.
D9 not continue having sex with her. Or you will have to pay her child support on top of anything else.
I'm sorry. The truth hurts. This is all gonna hurt.
I think, if you can swing it, you need to spend some time alone. Either take a vacation, or go spend time in a hotel alone. For a week or two at least. Really think on the relationship.
But please, now is the time to leave. Do not bring kids into an already broken relationship. She's honestly a horrible person to be pulling this stunt.
Don’t just listen to all these people acting like she’s some conniving bitch who seduced you to get what she wants and now lets you dangle unwanted because she thinks you’re trapped, there are tons of reasons someone might lose sex drive. The fact she initiated before indicates she did genuinely want to, if she was just using sex to get stuff but didn’t enjoy it she’d just wait for you to initiate and go along with it. Could she be depressed or have hormonal imbalance or something? Has her appearance changed, maybe she doesn’t feel good about herself and therefore not sexy. Of course it’s possible she’s this evil seductress these people are characterising her as but it’s unlikely so don’t just judge her that way without really exploring the issue and what’s caused it.
You raise valid points, and we only know OP's side of the story... HOWEVER, there ARE women who are like this.
I have a sister who would do exactly that. I have witnessed her do it multiple times, and her behaviour disgusts me (I haven't spoken to her in years, I'm over her bullshit).
Intimacy shut up because she thinks she’s financially trapped you with the house. Even if you get a divorce and she gets some alimony and joint assets it will still be cheaper than a divorce with those PLUS child support.
Some people are just not interested in sex. Perhaps that is the reason for her.
My wife has a medical condition that dampens her desire for affection and intimacy. It was fine, but over the past few years it gotten worse and is causing our divorce.
From her thinking that sex is only for procreation, I have to wonder if she might be asexual and not realize it? In this case, you might not be compatible together, considering it seems like you do need it in order to feel fulfilled in your relationship and she doesn't seem to.
She could be having an affair. Happened to me. Dead bedroom out of nowhere, went on for 3-4 years, then she wanted a child with me. Fortunately I had the sense to hire a P.I. , and lo and behold, she was getting it on with someone from the gym.
Looks like she got what see wanted a house and going part time. Now that ain’t enough now it’s a kid! Seriously you need to evaluate this situation ! You think if you have a kid this shit gets better? Hell no she will quit working all together and you get to carry the entire load and your back to beating off and being scowled at!
Have you asked her? Telling her that you expect sex is very different from telling her you miss an intimate connection with her and asking her why she isnt feeling it and if there’s anything you can be doing to help.
If this is the only issue, tell her individual AND couples therapy or you will not try for a baby and you are considering leaving the marriage
Therapy can help her get to the root of the problem and this can be fixed if she puts in the work. Couples therapy can help you reconnect and restore intimacy. It really helped one of my close friends save their otherwise good marriage
If she doesn't want to go, or goes but refuses to do the work, you have your answer
I doubt she's cheating as was suggested elsewhere. She could have a low sex drive due to a hormonal or health issue she doesn't know about. She could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum and not know it. Therapy and a physical can help get that sorted.
She got what she wanted That's probably why, and now with everything going on she probably sees the writing on the wall and is trying to get a kid from you so either a) you don't leave, or b) if you do leave, she can get you for as much as she wants.
Maybe she’s not bi, she’s realized she’s a lesbian? Maybe she;s going to get that baby and then leave,or even stay in a coparent relationship with a dead bedroom? That sounds agonizing. Do not have sex with her again and take a chance of bringing a child into this unhealthy dynamic. Get to the bottom of it and fix it, or separate. You do mot have a right to have sex with her, but she doesn’t have a right to expect you to continue in a sexless, loveless marriage. NAH/ESH
I would guess that she is no longer in love with OP but wants to have a family so she stayed in the relationship rather than breaking up. The marriage will be an empty one, but she'll have her kid(s)
Or she just had a really low libido that was revved up by the initial stages of falling in love and excitement and then settled back down to its usual absence after marriage and monotony kicked in. Or she developed depression or a hormonal issue. Who knows could be lots of reasons.
This is weird. Why would anyone want to have a family with someone they don't love? I'll rather have a family with someone I love than someone I have no interest in at all or someone who doesn't want to bond with me through intimacy.
Because she wants a child for all the wrong reasons. She sees it like an accessory like a handbag. Something she can share and fit in with among her social circle.
You must be either young or inexperienced. For eons women were married off to men they didn’t particularly love, but settled for so they could have a family. A boring man who had good prospects as a father and provider was a safer choice than the guy who makes your heart race but is an irresponsible Lothario. Although times have changed, it’s still there subconsciously for a lot of women.
So sorry to intervene. I think you misspelled "settled to have a family", its actually spelled like this"
"were indoctrinated or forced to marry men they didnt even like so the men could continue bloodlines they didnt deserve or so their fathers could increase their own money or influence or get a few extra sheep."
Which is why now, today, where women are no longer forced to do that, we have a near global "low birth" crisis because of more and more women not wanting families ;)
OP's wife is evidently an exception, not the rule.
I am reading that the same, to be honest. My poor partner and I haven't had sex in ages (TMI I know) because I have fatigue and pain issues. Also my own libido is out the window. So I am aware that there could be other issues at play here, but she just seems.... selfish?
They went to a sex therapist, and his wife (I don't personally believe) was honest in those sessions. I think she just did anything to distract him from approaching her lol
This. Unfortunately a close friend gave his wife the child she wanted. Stayed together 3 years after but dead bedroom and then out of the blue she decided to move out and file for divorce. Later find out she had met someone else and had been cheating on him with this other guy for at least 3 months before she moved out.
It's sad because before they got married she moved out for a few months and then they got back together. Definitely one of those weddings we had a suspicion the marriage wouldn't last.
So….something OP said made me wonder…by his words, his wife said he’s an asshole for expecting her to put out purely for HIS pleasure when there’s no utility to it. His pleasure?? Does she not derive pleasure from intimacy? Just something to ponder.
NTA. You could've used better wording, but you have every right to want to feel wanted and want your wife to have sex with you. Hate to say it, though, it appears your marriage is over. If she's treating you like a sperm donor and doesn't want to have sex, that's it.
I think it’s 100% fine to generally expect sex in a relationship. Expectation is not the same as demand. If you enter a relationship with someone and sex is part of that then it’s expected that sex will remain part of it barring some extreme circumstance.
What if your spouse suddenly decided to never kiss you again? To never touch you again? You can’t force someone but you can def walk away from the marriage and end it because they decided to remove part of the relationship.
Don't get her pregnant, divorce now. If it's dead now, it will never get better and it will increase the resentment you already have. Find joy with another partner. You deserve this.
NTA but you both want different things. You want intimacy and she isn’t interested unless it’s to get pregnant. So don’t have a baby and either do marriage counseling or divorce.
If I've said it once I have said it 100 times. If you think the only problem in your relationship is X and X is not communication you have AT LEAST two problems in your relationship.
Now I don't say that to be harsh, you seem like a decent dude from what I've read. I see tons of people telling you to get out to run to leave before things get worse. And I don't think that is a satisfying answer at least it wouldn't be for me. Because I don't see many people articulating why you should leave in a way that will resonate with someone experiencing this kind of pain.
The reality is you love the woman you married. You loved her enough to buy a home with her, to ask her to spend the rest of her life with you, and to possibly one day make a family together. The problem is that the woman you are now married to may not be the same person you thought she was when you decided to do all of those things together... And I'm not saying to throw all the blame at her either, please don't misunderstand, but people change, sometimes they grow and sometimes they regress, and sometimes well they just stop pretending.
Your wife is either unable or willfully refusing to communicate with you. Bedrooms don't die for no reason they die because an issue forms, one or both partners fail to communicate and resentment takes hold. And it is an insatiable monster resentment it will eat you and everyone you love alive and never ever be done. If your wife can look at the man she promised to love full in the face and say "there's no point in doing something that would make you happy if there's nothing in it for me" that is at a point where she has long since chosen a side, and it is not yours.....
Those are the words of a person who has so long since decided you don't matter that the only reason they stay is convenience, fear, or some other deeply upsetting reason. Someone who loves you will hear what you need, and work to make that happen with you because they love you so much they cannot imagine their life without you and they cannot imagine hurting you on purpose.
Normally I would recommend a series of questions, to see if there is hope for this relationship.....to be honest I don't have high hopes, but they once helped me see the reality of a relationship that had long since gone sour and so maybe they can be helpful for you too.
For the majority of your relationship have you been happy?
Are you happy now?
If something tangible and attainable were to change do you think you could be happy again?
Because the crushing reality is that you cannot make your wife decide to work with you. You cannot make her change and see that she is hurting you. If you've used your words and it sounds like you have, that's all you can do besides choosing to be the lesson they learn because you walked away.
You cannot have a relationship with someone, that they refuse to let exist. And what I see from your description is a woman who has decided to play for her own team and honestly once that happens there's no real hope for a relationship. You have to care enough about someone to choose to do better for them and if she would so pointedly tell you it's pointless to have sex with you thing you have directly asked for because it's making you miserable unless she gets something out of it that is a deep deep dark hole of hurt I doubt most anyone could find their way out of.....
But you know your relationship better than we do, so ask yourself are you happy, can you articulate exactly what would need to change for things to get better because if not you're only building more resentment wasting everyone's time by not leaving. Do not let someone try to achieve a task you know is impossible it's just cruel.
So you should leave, not because of one bad moment but because to so blatantly say something so cruel to someone you supposedly love takes walking a good long way down a very dark path that I'm not sure anyone could recover from. At minimum please take every precaution if you do have sex, you do not want this to become a much more complicated issue. And if not for you do it for that possible future child, because it does not deserve a father who has been forced to give up and a mother who actively resents him and would only use him for her own gains.
I'm so sorry OP, this situation is heartbreaking and I really and truly hope you find the answers you are looking for and can find a relationship that is healthy and loving because you really sound like you deserve a whole lot more kindness than what you're being given right now. NTA
NTA. If withholding a child is abuse so is withholding sex.
You do not want a child with this person.
Aside from medical issues, exhaustion or other issues sex is a normal part of marriage. People who love each other want that intimacy.
There are serious issues in this relationship and since you have already tried professional help you should reevaluate it.
Sounds like your wife is asexual and is really only willing to “put up with it” in order to procreate. Unless you’re ok with being celibate the rest of your life after she’s pregnant you should divorce now.
Your wife is a lesbian who is willing to fuck a man for a baby because her maternal instinct is overriding her preference.
Participate in that process if you want to be hurt forever and only get to see your kid half the time while she tells everyone you broke up because you were obsessed with sex.
NTA
You already know.
You have to make a decision whether you want to live like this until you are dead.
You need to tell her she is baby trapping you and being abusive by withholding sex. She's a monster for suggesting that sex is only for utility and you are bad for wanting it. Sex is key to building intimacy in a marital relationship.
Why don't you show her some of these comments?
NTA, its not thst you feel entitled to her body, its thst you're setting the very reasonable expectation that you expect intimacy in a marriage you're in.
Don't have a kid with your wife, you really, REALLY dont want to spend the rest of your life linked to her by a child when she clearly doesnt even like you.
Its time to cut your losses and end the marriage, you're incompatible.
And no, refusing to have a baby with her when the marriage is quite obviously broken, is in no way abusive. Just as she had the right to decline sex, you have the right to decline to impregnate her... please, whatever you do, do not hring a child into this broken marriage.
Guaranteed as soon as she gets pregnant, you’re a goner! If she’s not having sex, and only wants it just to get pregnant, helllo! Man, she’s only using you for her selfish reason. Think long and hard on this one! Signs are there, read it!
The only thing you've done that's positive is to stop trying to have a baby. You guys don't have a good enough relationship to be having kids. Demanding sex is awful, but that doesn't mean you should accept a sexless marriage.
Either get to counseling and heal this marriage, or split up and start divorce proceedings. Just don't get pregnant with her.
I think your take is a bit harsh to OP. I wouldn't say he's demanding anything. He's allowed this for 2 years. Sounds like he just asked after she recently initiated and when she refused, he explained his opinion on it being important for marriage health.
This is a major compatibility issue and I can't see therapy or anything changing it. Just divorce now before you bring an innocent child into it. Just hope against hope that she didn't already get pregnant that time round. Do not have sex with her again. Speak to a lawyer and get out of it.
Withholding a baby? No. She has been expecting you to go without intimacy at such a young age. That's not going to change. Women often go off sex during menopause etc, so unless she has a hormonal issue that's causing a low sex drive, then I can't see this being fixable
Why are you still married with her? I mean, I understand that you share more than sex - maybe some attraction, a house, memories, etc. - but it is clear (at least to me) that she doesn’t respect you. If she speaks about ”utility” of having sex, well, I’m sorry, there is no sexual attraction or respect. I think you would do good to yourself and to her, if you divorced.
NTA and ask yourself if you want to be bound to this person for the rest of your life, because having a child together means you will never ever have her out of your life. Having a kid together is infinitely more binding than marriage. And if things go badly between you two (more so than now), she'll have immeasurable control over your child and their opinion of you, how often you see them, etc. Not to mention the damage that can cause to an innocent kid.
If that's not something you're comfortable with, then you should get out before you bring a child into this relationship.
NTA, but why stay married to her? She obviously isn't into being intimate with you and you think bringing a baby in the mix will help? It's not going to. You are just incompatible at this point and should both move on. Her saying you're abusive and withholding a baby from her should have been the sign to walk away.
Bolt before you are on the hook for 18 years (or more) of child support. Physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship for me, and if it isn't there, I am out. I don't need a roommate...
Definitely Nta. There is no such thing as "withholding a baby". Both people have to consent, just like for sex. I'm not married but I can only assume that a dead bedroom doesn't just happen out of nowhere, there's gotta be deeper issues and it sounds like maybe she wants to have a baby to try to solve that. Which everybody knows is a horrible idea. The baby doesn't deserve to come into a broken marriage. Fix your issues or split up, but I'm guessing sex is not the main issue here and you'll have to figure out what is and solve it or move on
NTA. Bro I was in one for two years and I got out. She’s clearly got an agenda(I wouldn’t be surprised if it included getting a child out of the marriage and splitting). Do not, I repeat do NOT engage in anything sexual with her. Consult a lawyer and prepare to have your name dragged through the mud as she plays the victim to anyone who’ll listen. There will be cries of “how could you blindside me like this?” And “it came out of the blue I thought things were fine.”
And yes, the ol’ reliable standby of “he was just using me for sex”
NTA, but I’m curious to know how she treats you in other aspects of your life/marriage outside of the bedroom? Is she a good partner otherwise or is this an issue that is compounded by others? In therapy what did you two do to get down to the root cause of the lack/withholding of intimate sex? And if you’ve never done that I strongly suggest going to another therapist to work on the “why”
I suspect she’s more lesbian than bi, or doesn’t enjoy sex with you for whatever reason. She said it was pointless, so it sounds like she’s not getting what she needs out of it. Or it could be that she feels no attraction to you for reasons outside of this. Like maybe she feels unsupported, unloved, etc. There’s many different reasons it could be.
Your first step is to have a discussion about why she doesn’t feel desire towards you if your communication is bad, then work on that first.
Yes you're an asshole. You can't say I expect sex EVER. Your wife is probably just as much or more of an asshole though. You should divorce immediately. You're not compatible at all.
I would say your approach kind of makes YTA, but I also want to caveat and say physical intimacy is a perfectly reasonable expectation in a relationship
32 is still very young. You need a divorce before you accidentally end up with a kid with this woman. Because she is clearly just using you for a baby at this point, and doesn't really care about YOU. She wants your sperm and your wallet.
NTA. She can withhold but not you? At least you have a valid reason - coupled therapy or move on. That would feel so hurtful - to feel unwanted - that very valid
I don't care for the term "expectation," but I get where you're coming from. Intimacy - emotional and otherwise - is an important part of any marriage. The relationship you've described? Absolutely ZERO reason to bring a child into that.
Neither of you should accept being used for "breeding," and if you ever want a healthy relationship again? Counseling - not sex therapy - is what's needed. And only when you feel solidly 'back on track' should you even consider children. Best to you.
I was in a dead bedroom for a long time. with someone that pretended just because I was the "nice" guy. SHe only wanted to have sex to have kids. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
NTA: I'm not trying to be rude - but she is selfish and self-centered. While that is okay (she can be the type of person she wants to be), do not bring a child into this, and saddle yourself with this woman for the next 18 years. Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? She has already shown you that she doesn't care about you - but she is happy with what you can provide her - find someone with whom you share more compatibility.
This is textbook gas lighting brother. Like straight out of a dictionary. NTA obviously.
You think it's bad now?? Wait until there's kids involved. You're going to really feel the pain (or blue balls) once children get in the picture. There will be plenty of "I'm too tired" or "You don't help me" then. Not going to recommend divorce like some of these people in here because I'm not in your marriage. But it's time to really evaluate your marriage. Maybe have a nice adult conversation with her and really explain that you're at your limits. Perhaps seek professional help.
Your wife does not want you. Why in the seven hells would you have a child with her?! That kid would grow up in a home thinking that parents who hate each other is normal and that nastiness will seep into every relationship they ever have. I grew up in a house with two parents who hated each other and stayed together “for the kids.” It was a nightmare. As a seven year old, I begged them to divorce and they just said “divorce is NEVER an option.” I was angry and alone in my own house. Willingly introducing a child into that environment is selfish and stupid. Your wife is selfish and beyond stupid.
Are you meeting all of her needs? During my marriage our bedroom became stale as well. I did all the cooking, cleaning, ran my own business and took care of our dogs. I would ask for “help” and would never receive any. I would become angry when he would complain about our bedroom life or lack there of. He wouldn’t help me or take care of any of my needs but he expected me to take care of his? Maybe learn about what intimacy means for her and open up a conversation about how to meet each others needs both emotional and physical
NTA, but it doesnt sound like there's a dead bedroom so much as she straight up doesn't like you. If she did, she would treat your need for sex and your reaction to feeling like an inanimate sperm donor more seriously.
She got defensive and mad, accused you of abuse because you asked to be treated like a human (accusations of abuse should ALWAYS be taken like the massive red flag they are) and frankly, doesn't seem to care that you're the dad. She just wants the baby - and based on her behavior I don't think she'll be a great mom, much less a good coparent. Unstable, emotionally unavailable, selfish and self-centered...
Counseling or divorce, or just divorce at this point.
she says that you’re expecting her to put out “solely for your pleasure“, queuing you into the fact that she does not enjoy sex with you. I’m so sorry OP, you two are not compatible.
You are absolutely out of your mind, bat shit CRAZY to have a child with her. The biggest gift you can give a child is two parents who love each other. You two do not have a stable marriage. Please go to counseling and fix your issues or go your separate ways. Babies don’t fix marriages.
NTA. But you need to have a conversation with her. If she cant talk then do it in therapy. If she refuses you need to leave her. Has she ever been the way you want? Like when you were first dating did she let you initiate sex? And was she in to it then? Or has this always been how she is? She sounds like someone who only wants sex for a baby. If that is case you two arent compatible and need to break it off.
Attorney, divorce and start over. You're young. Don't bring a baby into the world. It will only get worse and not better. Find someone who wants to intimacy with you.
Your being used and manipulated by your wife. Time to move on and forward.
NTA. Her thoughts around sex are creeping me out. As suggested by others, do NOT get her pregnant, end the relationship (kind of like breaking up with a roommate?) and find a more compatible partner.
NTA for expecting/wanting sex from her. After all, you didn’t marry to be celibate, right? It’s always unfair when one person in the relationship unilaterally controls the sex-life by refusing. She could be having an affair. Please do not bring a child into the world with this woman, and for your sanity and future mental and sexual health, get a divorce. Counseling will not help. Trust me - been there, done that. You’re a young man, you have plenty of life left to either meet someone who is compatible sexually, or remain single and be happy. You don’t want to be miserable for the rest of your life. Hire a P.I. if in doubt and call an attorney and figure out how to proceed with seperation and divorce.
No, you are not. But you also are not ready for a baby. Neither is she. Can you imagine how divorce would be with children involved? And you have to realize that is the direction you are currently going
NTA. As someone who has been living in a dead bedroom marriage for 18 years, you need to figure this out now. It will not get better on its own. Do not have a kid until you are both able to figure out the intimacy issue.
Just finish it before you bring children into what will inevitably be a broken marriage.
It’s already a broken marriage.
Yep. It broke "like 2 years" ago, but some people can't live without punishment apparently.
The beating (of the meat in this case) will continue until the morale improves.
But let’s face it, divorce isn’t an easy choice, and you can be fed a whole lot of bullshit in two years.
Not an easy choice, and nor should it be. It’s a much easier choice when you don’t have kids, though.
True
They'd be punishing the baby.
You and your wife are two different pages from two different books.
For some, sex is an important part of a relationship. As of right now, you two are not compatible.
I agree, I'm in the same boat (more years though) however my story is more complicated as we have a child. I would suggest you get out while you can.
Get out now before you have to co-parent for 18 years of endless bullshit.
Exactly, there's no point. Leave ASAP, in particular before you get her pregnant.
Yep. Cry, reflect, and then go find a divorce lawyer. In the meantime LOCK IT UP!!
Leave this woman.
This is the best advice, please take it OP
She is a selfish person who only cares what she needs. Divorce is the best thing you could do to yourself.
In case she suddenly becomes pregnant, make sure you do a DNA test. Sounds like she will do anything to get pregnant.
Maybe she is already pregnant, but not from you.
NTA, you two are not compatible, as simple as that. You need to take the door now that there aren’t babies in the equation.
NTA! You are right to insist on real intimacy to bring babies into the world.
Just wondering though. Do you believe a wife is right to insist on being able to choose to have babies if she is going to have sex?
Sex and reproduction need to be matters of informed consent.
I am going to chime in here. No, neither partner has right to demand a baby from their SO or anyone else for that matter.. Children should be a mutually agreed upon decision with the full consent of both parties. If either is a no, then kids should be a no go and they should look for more compatible partners.
Both are a two-yes sort of thing.
That's an odd question. Of course the wife has that right, just like the husband has the right to expect his partner to be able to connect with him sexually.
This stuff needs to get figured out BEFORE marriage though. If the wife thinks sex is only for babies and the husband thinks sex is about connecting with your partner then they're not even close to being on the same wavelength.
Don't have a kid with her man. Use your head and end shit when there's less risk
Your big head.
Little head would agree in this particular case.
Also curious if OP wants a baby. Based on his language it sounds like only his wife does
You've had a dead bedroom for 2 years? At least until she decided she wanted to get pregnant.
This is a major incompatibility and it's unfortunate that too many people go into a marriage either hiding their real selves or thinking they can change the other person. Your sex drives are very different with hers nonexistent, and it's very unlikely it's going to change. She is never going to suddenly find her sex drive and decide she wants to have sex more frequently. So that leaves you to decide if this is really how you want to live the rest of your life. Can you settle for only being used for your sperm and never having your needs met? Or maybe the better option is to realize this relationship is not what you want for yourself and your life and maybe it's time to pull the plug so you can find someone who actually is compatible.
I love my wife. We've been married 3.5 years, together for 5.5. I ignored the sexual incompatibility because I loved her deeply and thought what we had was real. But it went from limited to nothing soon into the relationship. Three months before our wedding up until now, we have been intimate twice. 2 times. In 3 years and 9 months. I love her and wish things were different. I think we're both realizing they'll never change, and we will end up bitter and resentful if we don't stop now, while we truly care for one another.
I really needed to read your comment. Thank you.
That is crazy. Twice in almost four years? Wow . I could never
Ironically, on our second date I told her my biggest fear was being in a dead bedroom marriage 🫠 Sigh
Yes, This kind of relationship brings frustration and destruction to self-confidence. People need to be loved but desired too, especially in the long-term relationships
Excellent response.
Yes to all of this, the only thing I'd add is that it wouldn't work if she decided to have sex with him just to appease either, because for op it's about connection and turning it into a chore would make it awful for both. The decision is pretty much obvious but only op can make it
Do not have a kid with her unless you get all of this sorted out. Maybe seek couples and sex counseling.
She says "purely for your pleasure". Does your wife experience orgasm when you guys are intimate? If she doesn't that may be one of the main reasons she sees it as pointless.
I think this is a really important point and makes me think there is more to the story. If she is not getting any pleasure out of having sex, why? Maybe he could try to make sex more pleasurable for her and she would be interested.
Honestly, for women sexual arousal starts in the head. If a woman feels unvalued, unloved, exhausted, she won’t be in the mood. That’s something to discuss in counseling.
THAT is the point. Why would you bother having sex when it's ONLY the other person who gets an orgasm and you never do?.
If you love someone, the intimacy of sex is also about connection. Of course an O is incredible, but it can be complex for women
Or men can take time to ask and figure out what it takes for their woman to orgasm. Just because it "can be complex for women", doesn't mean it isn't desired or deserved.
There are so many ways to provide an O for women. The amount of material available to watch and toys that can be used is incredible.
If your partner can’t “get there” then ask them if you can bring in a toy or to send you some material they are interested in so you feel like you’re equals in and out of the bedroom.
It might take a bit of trust building before it’s sorted out but if both parties are willing, then this is an obstacle than can be overcome.
A lot of men feel like a woman’s orgasm is a judgment on their ability to be “good” at sex. They take it personal and then the woman feels like she has to take care of her partners feelings/is responsible for his feelings instead of being heard and open to rectifying the issues.
I bet this is a lot of it
Leave now. While you still.can with no child involved
The better question is, why the dead bedroom? What changed in the relationship prior to that?
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WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
Do not have a child with this woman! Are you insane?
Please do not get tied up with her for the next 18 years financially and emotionally by bringing a child into the world until you have the physical aspect of your relationship settled. Unfortunately, if you can’t, you may have to cut your losses and get a divorce.
It's not just 18 years, it's forever.
Not 18 years. The rest of your life.
So she stopped once she got what she wanted? And now she wants a baby, so she needs it from you. Certainly going back to being roommates once pregnant. Think you might have been roped iin to create the life she wanted.
This. She secured the ring, wedding, and finally the house. The marriage is just a necessary evil to secure the resources she wants OP to provide her.
You do all the cooking and cleaning, make all the money, and have a sexless marriage. What the F are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like nothing.
Honestly dawg, because it sounds like you gave her everything she wanted. I’ve been in this exact position and it’s heartbreaking. We was using sex as a hook to get it, and now she has it, in her mind she doesn’t need to keep her hooks in you.
Honestly I’d seriously consider not continuing with this relationship without serious therapy and certainly not bringing a child into it.
It’s so shitty to have experienced this pattern.
Currently in it. It’s difficult to navigate and something we’re exploring with our own therapists.
I feel lucky that we’re both 1) not married 2) dating for slightly over 1 year 3) support ethnical non-monogamy but yeah it’s beginning to feel not compatible
Ooof
Hun, this reads like she's playing the long game for her benefits. Before you bought the house what was the intimacy like?
Also, who's name is on the house ?
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Please tell me the house is only in your name.
Sounds like she liked you for what you can provide. Not you the person. Like she played the long game and pretended to be into sex but only did it to get you.
D9 not continue having sex with her. Or you will have to pay her child support on top of anything else.
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I'm sorry. The truth hurts. This is all gonna hurt.
I think, if you can swing it, you need to spend some time alone. Either take a vacation, or go spend time in a hotel alone. For a week or two at least. Really think on the relationship.
But please, now is the time to leave. Do not bring kids into an already broken relationship. She's honestly a horrible person to be pulling this stunt.
It's possible she's realized you're reaching a limit with the dead bedroom and wants a different hook to keep the gravy train running.
Do you think she'd actually be an involved mother or immediately dump it on a nanny or you and continue her current lifestyle?
That just sounds like only your name is on the loan. The title is what matters
Doesn't matter who's name it's in. They're married.
Don’t just listen to all these people acting like she’s some conniving bitch who seduced you to get what she wants and now lets you dangle unwanted because she thinks you’re trapped, there are tons of reasons someone might lose sex drive. The fact she initiated before indicates she did genuinely want to, if she was just using sex to get stuff but didn’t enjoy it she’d just wait for you to initiate and go along with it. Could she be depressed or have hormonal imbalance or something? Has her appearance changed, maybe she doesn’t feel good about herself and therefore not sexy. Of course it’s possible she’s this evil seductress these people are characterising her as but it’s unlikely so don’t just judge her that way without really exploring the issue and what’s caused it.
You raise valid points, and we only know OP's side of the story... HOWEVER, there ARE women who are like this.
I have a sister who would do exactly that. I have witnessed her do it multiple times, and her behaviour disgusts me (I haven't spoken to her in years, I'm over her bullshit).
Why do you cook and clean if you work full time and she's part time?
If i was part time and reliant on my wife financially with no kids in the mix then my wife's dinner would be on the table and the house clean.
You bought the house she wanted and she went to part-time work, barely cleans, isn't intimate, and treats you with disdain?
Let's hope the last time you had sex was unproductive and you can drop her. She's using you.
Intimacy shut up because she thinks she’s financially trapped you with the house. Even if you get a divorce and she gets some alimony and joint assets it will still be cheaper than a divorce with those PLUS child support.
Some people are just not interested in sex. Perhaps that is the reason for her.
My wife has a medical condition that dampens her desire for affection and intimacy. It was fine, but over the past few years it gotten worse and is causing our divorce.
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From her thinking that sex is only for procreation, I have to wonder if she might be asexual and not realize it? In this case, you might not be compatible together, considering it seems like you do need it in order to feel fulfilled in your relationship and she doesn't seem to.
You absolutely should not. If she’s asexual she should be with another asexual person cause hell no
No reason you should, but you also need to focus on living a happy life.
Medication can also cause it. Probably worth investigating before you split.
She could be having an affair. Happened to me. Dead bedroom out of nowhere, went on for 3-4 years, then she wanted a child with me. Fortunately I had the sense to hire a P.I. , and lo and behold, she was getting it on with someone from the gym.
Looks like she got what see wanted a house and going part time. Now that ain’t enough now it’s a kid! Seriously you need to evaluate this situation ! You think if you have a kid this shit gets better? Hell no she will quit working all together and you get to carry the entire load and your back to beating off and being scowled at!
Why are you wasting your time on this?
Have you asked her? Telling her that you expect sex is very different from telling her you miss an intimate connection with her and asking her why she isnt feeling it and if there’s anything you can be doing to help.
If this is the only issue, tell her individual AND couples therapy or you will not try for a baby and you are considering leaving the marriage
Therapy can help her get to the root of the problem and this can be fixed if she puts in the work. Couples therapy can help you reconnect and restore intimacy. It really helped one of my close friends save their otherwise good marriage
If she doesn't want to go, or goes but refuses to do the work, you have your answer
I doubt she's cheating as was suggested elsewhere. She could have a low sex drive due to a hormonal or health issue she doesn't know about. She could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum and not know it. Therapy and a physical can help get that sorted.
NAH
She got what she wanted That's probably why, and now with everything going on she probably sees the writing on the wall and is trying to get a kid from you so either a) you don't leave, or b) if you do leave, she can get you for as much as she wants.
Maybe she’s not bi, she’s realized she’s a lesbian? Maybe she;s going to get that baby and then leave,or even stay in a coparent relationship with a dead bedroom? That sounds agonizing. Do not have sex with her again and take a chance of bringing a child into this unhealthy dynamic. Get to the bottom of it and fix it, or separate. You do mot have a right to have sex with her, but she doesn’t have a right to expect you to continue in a sexless, loveless marriage. NAH/ESH
I would guess that she is no longer in love with OP but wants to have a family so she stayed in the relationship rather than breaking up. The marriage will be an empty one, but she'll have her kid(s)
Or she just had a really low libido that was revved up by the initial stages of falling in love and excitement and then settled back down to its usual absence after marriage and monotony kicked in. Or she developed depression or a hormonal issue. Who knows could be lots of reasons.
This is weird. Why would anyone want to have a family with someone they don't love? I'll rather have a family with someone I love than someone I have no interest in at all or someone who doesn't want to bond with me through intimacy.
Because she wants a child for all the wrong reasons. She sees it like an accessory like a handbag. Something she can share and fit in with among her social circle.
Also, they view children and someone who will love them unconditionally and whom they can control.
You must be either young or inexperienced. For eons women were married off to men they didn’t particularly love, but settled for so they could have a family. A boring man who had good prospects as a father and provider was a safer choice than the guy who makes your heart race but is an irresponsible Lothario. Although times have changed, it’s still there subconsciously for a lot of women.
So sorry to intervene. I think you misspelled "settled to have a family", its actually spelled like this" "were indoctrinated or forced to marry men they didnt even like so the men could continue bloodlines they didnt deserve or so their fathers could increase their own money or influence or get a few extra sheep."
Which is why now, today, where women are no longer forced to do that, we have a near global "low birth" crisis because of more and more women not wanting families ;)
OP's wife is evidently an exception, not the rule.
I am reading that the same, to be honest. My poor partner and I haven't had sex in ages (TMI I know) because I have fatigue and pain issues. Also my own libido is out the window. So I am aware that there could be other issues at play here, but she just seems.... selfish?
They went to a sex therapist, and his wife (I don't personally believe) was honest in those sessions. I think she just did anything to distract him from approaching her lol
This. Unfortunately a close friend gave his wife the child she wanted. Stayed together 3 years after but dead bedroom and then out of the blue she decided to move out and file for divorce. Later find out she had met someone else and had been cheating on him with this other guy for at least 3 months before she moved out.
It's sad because before they got married she moved out for a few months and then they got back together. Definitely one of those weddings we had a suspicion the marriage wouldn't last.
Why are you two married? Genuinely asking for an everyone.
Exactly.
Divorce
Immediately
And don't have sex with her again. If she comes up pregnant before the divorce, get a DNA test.
100
If you want pleasure intimacy, you need a different partner.
So….something OP said made me wonder…by his words, his wife said he’s an asshole for expecting her to put out purely for HIS pleasure when there’s no utility to it. His pleasure?? Does she not derive pleasure from intimacy? Just something to ponder.
Things get better
She gets what she wants
She goes back to how she was
You end up 18 years on child support with a bitter baby mom
Things get even worse
Just run. Exit and run.
In a post a few months ago, you said you have been married for 17 years.
So you married your wife when she was 13?
No utility in it?
I am not sure I have heard colder words, much less from a spouse.
This is not what you want to bring a child into.
Leave. If you want to be petty, leave info on a local sperm bank on her desk.
NTAH
NTA. You could've used better wording, but you have every right to want to feel wanted and want your wife to have sex with you. Hate to say it, though, it appears your marriage is over. If she's treating you like a sperm donor and doesn't want to have sex, that's it.
NTA good call not to have a baby with this person... utility? wtf? A dead bedroom would be enough cause to call it quits for sure.
Been there. Done that. I put the brakes on until we sorted our relationship. I caved. We had a child and three years later she filed for divorce.
Run fast and far.
I mean it’s normal to expect to have sex in a sexual relationship. It’s just time to end things
Expect no, desire yes. Sex is an all parties involved say YAY! activity.
What you should be able to expect is clear communication, which OP's wife is not participating in, and OP is doing on the most superficial level.
I think it’s 100% fine to generally expect sex in a relationship. Expectation is not the same as demand. If you enter a relationship with someone and sex is part of that then it’s expected that sex will remain part of it barring some extreme circumstance.
What if your spouse suddenly decided to never kiss you again? To never touch you again? You can’t force someone but you can def walk away from the marriage and end it because they decided to remove part of the relationship.
💯
Info: Is there intimacy outside of sex? Just generally kisses and cuddles etc. How is the relationship otherwise?
Don't get her pregnant, divorce now. If it's dead now, it will never get better and it will increase the resentment you already have. Find joy with another partner. You deserve this.
NTA. Pray she isn’t pregnant yet and get out of this marriage while you can.
NTA but you both want different things. You want intimacy and she isn’t interested unless it’s to get pregnant. So don’t have a baby and either do marriage counseling or divorce.
NTA - OP Sorry, but your marriage is over as far as I am concerned. If she doesn't understand the need for intimacy in marriage then there's no hope.
It's rich that she's accusing you of being manipulative, when she is the one being selfish.
So she expects you to preform but not the other way around. Time for marriage counseling not Reddit. There’s something else going on.
If I've said it once I have said it 100 times. If you think the only problem in your relationship is X and X is not communication you have AT LEAST two problems in your relationship.
Now I don't say that to be harsh, you seem like a decent dude from what I've read. I see tons of people telling you to get out to run to leave before things get worse. And I don't think that is a satisfying answer at least it wouldn't be for me. Because I don't see many people articulating why you should leave in a way that will resonate with someone experiencing this kind of pain.
The reality is you love the woman you married. You loved her enough to buy a home with her, to ask her to spend the rest of her life with you, and to possibly one day make a family together. The problem is that the woman you are now married to may not be the same person you thought she was when you decided to do all of those things together... And I'm not saying to throw all the blame at her either, please don't misunderstand, but people change, sometimes they grow and sometimes they regress, and sometimes well they just stop pretending.
Your wife is either unable or willfully refusing to communicate with you. Bedrooms don't die for no reason they die because an issue forms, one or both partners fail to communicate and resentment takes hold. And it is an insatiable monster resentment it will eat you and everyone you love alive and never ever be done. If your wife can look at the man she promised to love full in the face and say "there's no point in doing something that would make you happy if there's nothing in it for me" that is at a point where she has long since chosen a side, and it is not yours.....
Those are the words of a person who has so long since decided you don't matter that the only reason they stay is convenience, fear, or some other deeply upsetting reason. Someone who loves you will hear what you need, and work to make that happen with you because they love you so much they cannot imagine their life without you and they cannot imagine hurting you on purpose.
Normally I would recommend a series of questions, to see if there is hope for this relationship.....to be honest I don't have high hopes, but they once helped me see the reality of a relationship that had long since gone sour and so maybe they can be helpful for you too.
For the majority of your relationship have you been happy?
Are you happy now?
If something tangible and attainable were to change do you think you could be happy again?
Because the crushing reality is that you cannot make your wife decide to work with you. You cannot make her change and see that she is hurting you. If you've used your words and it sounds like you have, that's all you can do besides choosing to be the lesson they learn because you walked away.
You cannot have a relationship with someone, that they refuse to let exist. And what I see from your description is a woman who has decided to play for her own team and honestly once that happens there's no real hope for a relationship. You have to care enough about someone to choose to do better for them and if she would so pointedly tell you it's pointless to have sex with you thing you have directly asked for because it's making you miserable unless she gets something out of it that is a deep deep dark hole of hurt I doubt most anyone could find their way out of.....
But you know your relationship better than we do, so ask yourself are you happy, can you articulate exactly what would need to change for things to get better because if not you're only building more resentment wasting everyone's time by not leaving. Do not let someone try to achieve a task you know is impossible it's just cruel.
So you should leave, not because of one bad moment but because to so blatantly say something so cruel to someone you supposedly love takes walking a good long way down a very dark path that I'm not sure anyone could recover from. At minimum please take every precaution if you do have sex, you do not want this to become a much more complicated issue. And if not for you do it for that possible future child, because it does not deserve a father who has been forced to give up and a mother who actively resents him and would only use him for her own gains.
I'm so sorry OP, this situation is heartbreaking and I really and truly hope you find the answers you are looking for and can find a relationship that is healthy and loving because you really sound like you deserve a whole lot more kindness than what you're being given right now. NTA
NTA. If withholding a child is abuse so is withholding sex. You do not want a child with this person. Aside from medical issues, exhaustion or other issues sex is a normal part of marriage. People who love each other want that intimacy. There are serious issues in this relationship and since you have already tried professional help you should reevaluate it.
NTA. Could she be cheating and that's why there's a dead bedroom?
You might want to have a look at r/DeadBedrooms. It might help, idk.
There's no such thing, and she's being a salty cnunt.
She's doing the exact same thing. Call her out on her double standard bullshit.
This is coming from a 15 yr married female, btw.
Edit: typo
After a quick glance, If that subs ever helped anyone I’d be surprised. Probably caused a few spirals though.
NTA, you are being used by her.
Do not spill semen near this woman.
Time to see an attorney. The bedroom isn’t the only thing that’s dead
Sounds like your wife is asexual and is really only willing to “put up with it” in order to procreate. Unless you’re ok with being celibate the rest of your life after she’s pregnant you should divorce now.
Your wife is a lesbian who is willing to fuck a man for a baby because her maternal instinct is overriding her preference.
Participate in that process if you want to be hurt forever and only get to see your kid half the time while she tells everyone you broke up because you were obsessed with sex.
This woman is not who you want. End it now.
NTA You already know. You have to make a decision whether you want to live like this until you are dead.
You need to tell her she is baby trapping you and being abusive by withholding sex. She's a monster for suggesting that sex is only for utility and you are bad for wanting it. Sex is key to building intimacy in a marital relationship. Why don't you show her some of these comments?
If youre withholding a child shes been withholding sex for far longer 🤷♀️
It'll only get worse. I think you made the right decision to put a stop to baby making until you fix your issues. Give it time or end it.
That’s disgustingly selfish narcissistic yk what.. Don’t live like that. Not even one more day
NTA, its not thst you feel entitled to her body, its thst you're setting the very reasonable expectation that you expect intimacy in a marriage you're in.
Don't have a kid with your wife, you really, REALLY dont want to spend the rest of your life linked to her by a child when she clearly doesnt even like you.
Its time to cut your losses and end the marriage, you're incompatible.
And no, refusing to have a baby with her when the marriage is quite obviously broken, is in no way abusive. Just as she had the right to decline sex, you have the right to decline to impregnate her... please, whatever you do, do not hring a child into this broken marriage.
I think your wife may not be as into dudes as you hope
Do not have a child with her. I’d also stop having sex with her until you guys work out your issues.
NTA. Don't bring a kid into a defunct relationship like this. Either try and fix it, or finish it.
Dude, leave. Just leave. Why are you getting her pregnant?
Don't spend the rest of your life like this. You're young!!! You want to suffer forever?
It's not even the fact that your needs aren't met, it's that she doesn't give af about your needs.
You're NTA, she is for trying to use you like a broodmare and gaslight you about it after the fact.
Ditch the wife, find someone who enjoys sex.
This is not going to change. Divorce.
Guaranteed as soon as she gets pregnant, you’re a goner! If she’s not having sex, and only wants it just to get pregnant, helllo! Man, she’s only using you for her selfish reason. Think long and hard on this one! Signs are there, read it!
ESH
The only thing you've done that's positive is to stop trying to have a baby. You guys don't have a good enough relationship to be having kids. Demanding sex is awful, but that doesn't mean you should accept a sexless marriage.
Either get to counseling and heal this marriage, or split up and start divorce proceedings. Just don't get pregnant with her.
I think your take is a bit harsh to OP. I wouldn't say he's demanding anything. He's allowed this for 2 years. Sounds like he just asked after she recently initiated and when she refused, he explained his opinion on it being important for marriage health.
How is he the asshole? He hasn’t pushed for sex, he hasn’t raped her. He talked to her. So I guess that makes him an ass.
She has already made it clear how she views sex. You're a sperm bank. Not someone she wants to be intimate with.
Believe her and dont bring a baby into this mess. Its already been 2 years.
Once she gets that baby, it'll turn into 20.
She accused you of being abusive while trying to manipulate you into having a child? Please don’t bring a child into this mess. You need to walk away.
This is a major compatibility issue and I can't see therapy or anything changing it. Just divorce now before you bring an innocent child into it. Just hope against hope that she didn't already get pregnant that time round. Do not have sex with her again. Speak to a lawyer and get out of it.
Withholding a baby? No. She has been expecting you to go without intimacy at such a young age. That's not going to change. Women often go off sex during menopause etc, so unless she has a hormonal issue that's causing a low sex drive, then I can't see this being fixable
Why are you still married with her? I mean, I understand that you share more than sex - maybe some attraction, a house, memories, etc. - but it is clear (at least to me) that she doesn’t respect you. If she speaks about ”utility” of having sex, well, I’m sorry, there is no sexual attraction or respect. I think you would do good to yourself and to her, if you divorced.
Don’t have a kid with her. Seriously. It will not get better. You’re 32 that’s plenty of time to find someone who actually wants to fuck you.
You don't have a wife, u have a roommate that is using u to get a child. Divorce her.
NTA and ask yourself if you want to be bound to this person for the rest of your life, because having a child together means you will never ever have her out of your life. Having a kid together is infinitely more binding than marriage. And if things go badly between you two (more so than now), she'll have immeasurable control over your child and their opinion of you, how often you see them, etc. Not to mention the damage that can cause to an innocent kid.
If that's not something you're comfortable with, then you should get out before you bring a child into this relationship.
Get divorced. Dang.
NTA divorce, don't give her kids! You will be stuck with her forever if you do one way or another!
Get out before any kids. She's manipulating you and gaslighting you to feel bad for simply wanting intimacy in your marriage. Wtf.
NTA, but why stay married to her? She obviously isn't into being intimate with you and you think bringing a baby in the mix will help? It's not going to. You are just incompatible at this point and should both move on. Her saying you're abusive and withholding a baby from her should have been the sign to walk away.
Edited to fix typo
Bolt before you are on the hook for 18 years (or more) of child support. Physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship for me, and if it isn't there, I am out. I don't need a roommate...
Definitely Nta. There is no such thing as "withholding a baby". Both people have to consent, just like for sex. I'm not married but I can only assume that a dead bedroom doesn't just happen out of nowhere, there's gotta be deeper issues and it sounds like maybe she wants to have a baby to try to solve that. Which everybody knows is a horrible idea. The baby doesn't deserve to come into a broken marriage. Fix your issues or split up, but I'm guessing sex is not the main issue here and you'll have to figure out what is and solve it or move on
NTA. Bro I was in one for two years and I got out. She’s clearly got an agenda(I wouldn’t be surprised if it included getting a child out of the marriage and splitting). Do not, I repeat do NOT engage in anything sexual with her. Consult a lawyer and prepare to have your name dragged through the mud as she plays the victim to anyone who’ll listen. There will be cries of “how could you blindside me like this?” And “it came out of the blue I thought things were fine.”
And yes, the ol’ reliable standby of “he was just using me for sex”
It'll be worse after you have a baby. If you can imagine that.
NTA, but I’m curious to know how she treats you in other aspects of your life/marriage outside of the bedroom? Is she a good partner otherwise or is this an issue that is compounded by others? In therapy what did you two do to get down to the root cause of the lack/withholding of intimate sex? And if you’ve never done that I strongly suggest going to another therapist to work on the “why”
I suspect she’s more lesbian than bi, or doesn’t enjoy sex with you for whatever reason. She said it was pointless, so it sounds like she’s not getting what she needs out of it. Or it could be that she feels no attraction to you for reasons outside of this. Like maybe she feels unsupported, unloved, etc. There’s many different reasons it could be.
Your first step is to have a discussion about why she doesn’t feel desire towards you if your communication is bad, then work on that first.
You need a bigger suitcase to fit all this baggage. Very unhealthy relationship. Please don’t bring a kid into this.
Yes you're an asshole. You can't say I expect sex EVER. Your wife is probably just as much or more of an asshole though. You should divorce immediately. You're not compatible at all.
I would say your approach kind of makes YTA, but I also want to caveat and say physical intimacy is a perfectly reasonable expectation in a relationship
Don't have children!! Holy smokes! Does she have porn addiction? But you need to evaluate if this is how you want to live the rest of your life!
Please do not have children
32 is still very young. You need a divorce before you accidentally end up with a kid with this woman. Because she is clearly just using you for a baby at this point, and doesn't really care about YOU. She wants your sperm and your wallet.
Don't bring children into a relationship where the mother sees the father as nothing but a sperm donor.
Get out of it and find someone who wants you for who you are as a person not for what spurts out of your dick
STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER
You will never be happy or satisfied, do not bring a child into this relationship, it will only make it worse. Time for both of yiu to move on.
NTA. She can withhold but not you? At least you have a valid reason - coupled therapy or move on. That would feel so hurtful - to feel unwanted - that very valid
I don't care for the term "expectation," but I get where you're coming from. Intimacy - emotional and otherwise - is an important part of any marriage. The relationship you've described? Absolutely ZERO reason to bring a child into that.
Neither of you should accept being used for "breeding," and if you ever want a healthy relationship again? Counseling - not sex therapy - is what's needed. And only when you feel solidly 'back on track' should you even consider children. Best to you.
NTA.
I was in a dead bedroom for a long time. with someone that pretended just because I was the "nice" guy. SHe only wanted to have sex to have kids. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
Dear god please don't bring a baby into this world....
NTA: I'm not trying to be rude - but she is selfish and self-centered. While that is okay (she can be the type of person she wants to be), do not bring a child into this, and saddle yourself with this woman for the next 18 years. Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? She has already shown you that she doesn't care about you - but she is happy with what you can provide her - find someone with whom you share more compatibility.
You need to divorce I think she is all the way gay but wants a kid and child support from you. Move on
‘No utility’
… bros out there married to Spock
This is textbook gas lighting brother. Like straight out of a dictionary. NTA obviously.
You think it's bad now?? Wait until there's kids involved. You're going to really feel the pain (or blue balls) once children get in the picture. There will be plenty of "I'm too tired" or "You don't help me" then. Not going to recommend divorce like some of these people in here because I'm not in your marriage. But it's time to really evaluate your marriage. Maybe have a nice adult conversation with her and really explain that you're at your limits. Perhaps seek professional help.
Your wife does not want you. Why in the seven hells would you have a child with her?! That kid would grow up in a home thinking that parents who hate each other is normal and that nastiness will seep into every relationship they ever have. I grew up in a house with two parents who hated each other and stayed together “for the kids.” It was a nightmare. As a seven year old, I begged them to divorce and they just said “divorce is NEVER an option.” I was angry and alone in my own house. Willingly introducing a child into that environment is selfish and stupid. Your wife is selfish and beyond stupid.
Are you meeting all of her needs? During my marriage our bedroom became stale as well. I did all the cooking, cleaning, ran my own business and took care of our dogs. I would ask for “help” and would never receive any. I would become angry when he would complain about our bedroom life or lack there of. He wouldn’t help me or take care of any of my needs but he expected me to take care of his? Maybe learn about what intimacy means for her and open up a conversation about how to meet each others needs both emotional and physical
Idk how being bi is relevant to this situation. Also break up
NTA, but it doesnt sound like there's a dead bedroom so much as she straight up doesn't like you. If she did, she would treat your need for sex and your reaction to feeling like an inanimate sperm donor more seriously.
She got defensive and mad, accused you of abuse because you asked to be treated like a human (accusations of abuse should ALWAYS be taken like the massive red flag they are) and frankly, doesn't seem to care that you're the dad. She just wants the baby - and based on her behavior I don't think she'll be a great mom, much less a good coparent. Unstable, emotionally unavailable, selfish and self-centered...
Counseling or divorce, or just divorce at this point.
Do you want the last two years be the rest of your life?
Once she gets the baby it will continue like it was.
You're not sexually compatible. If she truly does not want sex anymore, her loss. Get out, man. Get out and never look back.
Do not add kids to this.add a divorce lawyer.
I don't think I understand what the hell biphobia has to do with anything you posted other than you wanted to make sure people knew you were bi.
Do you want to be stuck coparenting with her?
I’m a woman and this makes me want to go get a secret spite vasectomy for you
she says that you’re expecting her to put out “solely for your pleasure“, queuing you into the fact that she does not enjoy sex with you. I’m so sorry OP, you two are not compatible.
Eject eject eject
You are absolutely out of your mind, bat shit CRAZY to have a child with her. The biggest gift you can give a child is two parents who love each other. You two do not have a stable marriage. Please go to counseling and fix your issues or go your separate ways. Babies don’t fix marriages.
Serious answer: You're still young. Get the hell out of this marriage.
Joke answer: Get a vasectomy and don't tell her, then act surprised when her efforts to harvest your sperm keep not succeeding.
I have good news for you. You don’t have a child yet, and you don’t have to stay in this relationship.
NTA
NTA. But you need to have a conversation with her. If she cant talk then do it in therapy. If she refuses you need to leave her. Has she ever been the way you want? Like when you were first dating did she let you initiate sex? And was she in to it then? Or has this always been how she is? She sounds like someone who only wants sex for a baby. If that is case you two arent compatible and need to break it off.
First of all NTA.
Second of all...RUN. Bringing a baby into the situation will not make things better at all.
NTA
She is using you as a means to an end and trying to make you feel guilty about it.
Imagine if YOU tracked her cycle and only had sex with her while she was ovulating. People would crucify you.
You don't need to accept a dead bedroom. While you can not demand sex, you can leave. Your happiness is important, not just hers.
Dude dont have kid with that woman
NTA. That's gross she's literally using you.
Attorney, divorce and start over. You're young. Don't bring a baby into the world. It will only get worse and not better. Find someone who wants to intimacy with you. Your being used and manipulated by your wife. Time to move on and forward.
Get a divorce NOW
There's absolutely no way I would bring a child into this. NTA.
NTA. Her thoughts around sex are creeping me out. As suggested by others, do NOT get her pregnant, end the relationship (kind of like breaking up with a roommate?) and find a more compatible partner.
Plot twist. She’s seeing someone else and timing their sex to yours so if he knocks her up, she claims it’s yours and you’re none the wiser.
NTA for expecting/wanting sex from her. After all, you didn’t marry to be celibate, right? It’s always unfair when one person in the relationship unilaterally controls the sex-life by refusing. She could be having an affair. Please do not bring a child into the world with this woman, and for your sanity and future mental and sexual health, get a divorce. Counseling will not help. Trust me - been there, done that. You’re a young man, you have plenty of life left to either meet someone who is compatible sexually, or remain single and be happy. You don’t want to be miserable for the rest of your life. Hire a P.I. if in doubt and call an attorney and figure out how to proceed with seperation and divorce.
It’s over, this is an entirely one sided relationship, leave.
No, you are not. But you also are not ready for a baby. Neither is she. Can you imagine how divorce would be with children involved? And you have to realize that is the direction you are currently going
NTA. As someone who has been living in a dead bedroom marriage for 18 years, you need to figure this out now. It will not get better on its own. Do not have a kid until you are both able to figure out the intimacy issue.