Here is the link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/UMcUrR1wxR
I hope I am updating correctly. After reading everyone's comments, I made the decision to simply talk to Sarah. I called her last night. I didn't mention anything about the conversation she had with her daughter and instead, kept the call focused on the dinner and my expectations.
I told her that I understand we hadn't talked in about two years, but I wanted to clear the air if we were going to be around each other for the holidays. I explained that I was hoping to have an uneventful holiday surrounded by the people closest to me. I even said I would be happy to have her over because it would make her daughter very happy. Guys, I do not know where communication got twisted but she got so upset. I am also very proud of myself for having recorded the phone call so, she can't twist my words or anything like that.
She went on a full rant, saying she did so much for me and my family and that we should have been understanding of her (talking about her affair here lol). Mind you, she's the one that dragged us in to her drama back then because she was hoping we would have her back (support her affair). We tend to stay out of their marriage drama unless it concerns their daughter. Anyway, she uninvited herself. She said she was offended I would call her and make her feel like a bad person for bringing up the past. I mentioned nothing about the affair lol.
She said she didn't want to be around us anyway. That my brother was the one who wanted her there (which is a lie since he had sent me a screenshot of her asking to be invited because I didn't believe him when he said she wanted to be with us for the holiday). I didn't mention this to her and just said "okay, take care" before hanging up.
That is the end of my little saga. Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday. I'm glad I took this approach because if I had simply uninvited her I would have been second guessing myself the entire time wondering if she had changed at all. A little naive thinking, but I'm okay with this outcome. Have a happy and safe holiday everyone.
Just be prepared for her to show up uninvited. Maybe save her a seat at the children's table.
What did the kids do to deserve that?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Exactly, they shouldn’t be punished for adult drama they had no part in.
Maybe they were on Santa's naughtly list? Even then, that's some Krampus level punishment.
Forget the children’s table. Why let her in the house at all?
Set up a folding chair on the front lawn with “Sarah” written on it, next to a cooler with some food in it. Maybe an umbrella, tent and a camp stove, if you’re feeling generous and the weather is bad.
Set up a large mirror across from her so she has some company’s
I imagine this is exactly what a true narcissist would do.
"I never 'uninvited myself'. You must not be remembering correctly."
True narcissistic excuse.
plays audio recording of sister uninviting herself
The children's table that is outside... at the local park.
NO!! Please don’t let this abusive narcissist near the children.
She probably has the idea of coming anyway, make sure she knows . You are willing to call the police if she comes. I was going to say, if she starts trouble, but if she shows, the trouble has started
Outside in the cold
I like your style
And have the recording ready to play for everyone
Be prepared to physically turn her away at the door when she shows up uninvited to cause drama
Hold up...the argument 2 years ago was about Sarah staying in touch with her affair partner? She really expected you to back her up on that? So NTA and SIL needs to be on low contact. Uninvited herself? Sounds like a great Christmas gift for the entire family.
Play the recording to your brother, your parents and husband. Tell them if she shows up anyway, you will kindly ask her to leave and the moment she starts her drama you will shut the door in her face and call the police. That you will not tolerate her behavior any longer. Until she learns to behave civility like an adult she is not welcome in your home.
I think this may be the answer. You know she uninvited herself to paint herself as the victim or to cause drama in some way.
She is definitely going to twist everything and tell the brother, and anyone who will listen, a very different story where OP is the villain and she is just an innocent victim.
OP get ahead of this and assuming it is legal to record conversations without all parties consent where you live (and if SIL is in another state where she is) share the recording. I say make sure it was legal because if she finds out and wants to be vindictive, and it isn’t legal, she can take legal action. So check the laws first and then if all clear share the recording with everyone who she can try to turn against you.
Good luck.
Updateme
Tbh given the importance of everyone knowing SIL univitied herself, and the unlikelihood of anything legal actually happening given there will be no legal/financial consequences to SIL from call being shared, I would just go ahead and share the call anyway.
Obviously though that's a choice for OP to make herself.
(Also whether you literally shared a call or just told someone about it is a very flexible, deinable grey area, just saying.)
When dealing with someone like SIL its very important to have solid ground under your feet as they will do anything to keep you off balance. People deserve certainty. OP has it. The others stuck in this situation also deserve that.
Yep.
Good endings! And while her daughter might wish her there it also sounds like she could bring drama and hurtful comments. Happy holidays!
A Christmas Miracle!...everything resolved without whipping ammunition out of your back pocket. Well done! And, if you haven't heard the last of her ('cause she REALLY wants to come you know), you still have that ammo to wield like a blunt instrument.
Why doesn't your brother divorce her? She's clearly not a good wife or mother. I hope he hears the recording. If she gives a narrative, let people hear the recording. Just check your local laws before sending. Here we can do it if we're part of the conversation, but in other places it's a two party consent and recording is against the law.
If she shows up, tell her you gave her seat away. If you need to invite a friend or someone else, fill that seat. Heck, give it to her daughter's stuffed animal if you have to. lol
Beware, this is not over. I had a narc sister and she would make these statements all of the time. Ask to be invited and then when boundaries and expectations were given she would throw a fit and refuse to come. On the actual day though she would show up and try to pretend nothing happened. Narcs like to hear only what they want to hear and often rewrite the events in their head to make themselves the victim.
She's going to knock on your door and or just let herself in like she owns the place and was always supposed to be there. This isn't over.
Keep the doors locked!
Your niece is lucky to have you.
At age 11, I would imagine she likes the idea of her mom being there for Christmas, but when the rubber hits the road, she probably will feel differently.
I hope things go smoothly for you and for her. However, be prepared to be the emotional support for her.
Whew.
If she shows up anyway, tell her it’s Christmas and there’s no room, but as long as she thinks she’s God, she can hang out in the stable.
Wow. You got lucky! It would've been bad no matter what if she had come. She did do a favor.
Oh hell no. I would not allow that drama into my home.
She seems fun. :/
It's always nice when the trash takes itself out. Enjoy your peaceful Christmas.
The trash took itself out. You might be needed that recorded phone conversation.
Yeah, this isn't over.
Yikes 😬 good luck this Christmas because she sounds like a piece of work.
She tried to start drama hoping you would try to appease her. You didn't. Good job.
Enjoy your christmas.
Also be prepared for her showing up anyway.
She uninvited herself? I'd say the trash took itself out, but she's still probably going to come. Good luck.
"You said you weren't coming, I have you on recording saying that!"
NTA again! OP, this isn't the end of this. She won't let it go, she will likely force your hand and is going to go NUCLEAR when she finds out you recorded that call so she can't twist herself into the victim. Be prepared. I hope that I am very wrong and that you have a safe and happy Holiday.