I (28F) am going out for a birthday dinner on Sunday with my family, and I was told to pick a restaurant I wanted to go to. There’s this amazing Japanese restaurant that I love going to, so I told my mother (63F) I’d love to go there. My mother pretty much shut it down immediately because she knows my father (64M) won’t eat anything there. My father is your typical Appalachian American, boomer man who loves his casseroles, meat and potatoes, no frills, no spice, no seasoning except salt and pepper meals. The man won’t even do garlic in food. He doesn’t really do anything ethnic except for Tex-Mexican food and Chinese takeaway, where he always gets the same 2 dishes, moo goo gai pan or chori pollo.
I told my mother that I’m not willing to pick a different place as this happens every year, and I feel like my birthday dinner should be about what I want rather than what my father wants. Otherwise, there’s no point in pretending we’re celebrating my birthday. My mother understood my point, but her frustration comes from feeling like I’m intentionally being stubborn and leaving my father out, which isn’t true. If I wanted to leave him out I would just not invite him. I told her that there’s no reason he can’t compromise just this once and either get some plain rice, a tonkatsu cutlet, or teriyaki chicken, or even just eat before or after like most people who tend to be on the picky side. She offered to just cook a meal at their house for everyone, which I declined because I know it’ll a be a meal that my father will be tailored for my father’s tastes, and to put it kindly, she is not adept in the kitchen.
This happens every year, and just for once I don’t want to just give in and go to the one Mexican restaurant in my hometown so this man can get some chori pollo and rice. I’m at the point where I just want to un-invite them, go to the restaurant with myself and my siblings, and then just visit them afterward and bring some cake. I know that would really hurt my mother, but I also know there’s no way she’d come to the dinner if my dad didn’t want to eat at the restaurant.
You don't have to uninvite him or change it.
You've invited him. He gets to decide if he comes or not. If he doesn't want to go because of food, he won't go.
You and your mom need to chill on trying to force other people to do what you want.
Exactly this. He decides to come or he doesn’t. He can eat ahead of time and come for the celebration aspect or he can put on his big boy pants and just order some teriyaki chicken or beef with rice. He can also order tempura stuff which is basically just fried proteins and/or veggies.
It’s not his birthday, it’s yours. Why would the restaurant be chosen based on his likes?
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Yeah that’s valid, thanks for the advice.
It's your call on the food menu. Happy Birthday.
Is your dad argumentative about this? Have you tried just talking to him?
We don’t really talk much, he’s a man of few words and gets frustrated very easily. I’ll probably chat with him after he gets off of work.
If he likes Midwest American staples and rice, perhaps check if the Japanese restaurant has a dish called hamburger steak. It’s literally a hamburger patty with brown gravy and white rice, it’s a Japanese take on western food and would suit your dad’s palate.
Just like with any adults, you invite everyone and let them decide if they will attend or not. Never pick sides and don't get involved in the drama. I cannot tell you how many times people getting married jump through hoops because Aunt Mary won't be in the same room with Aunt Susan, but Aunt Susan doesn't care, and the entire family freaks out and tries to manage all the players. Just stop. The adult choice is to invite everyone and refuse to let people manipulate you. No one is going to die from not attending a wedding or birthday dinner. Don't let anyone force you to play their games. Your father is an adult, and if he wants to attend he will, or not. (It sounds like your mother is always moving players around the board in order to please your father so he has gotten used to being able to manipulate everyone to do what he wants. Refuse to be manipulated.) Just be fine with it either way, tell him respectfully that you understand if he doesn't want to attend, and then have a wonderful time eating Japanese food with those who choose to show up. And carry on this way throughout the rest of your life.
Just don't be offended if he doesn't show up, and if he doesn't show up in the future. We constantly have birthdays where my parents will eat because we are adults and realize that being with family is more important than our selfish desire to be celebrated on a day that shouldn't be that important after you are above a certain age. But Happy Birthday and enjoy your dinner.
I have no feelings either way if he shows up or not! My 7 siblings will be there regardless of whether my parents show up, and I live like 30ish minutes from my parent’s holler, so I see them a lot anyways ☺️
| 30 minutes from my parent's holler
What a great unit of measure
Do ya’ll not do that where you’re from? Distance in Appalachia is measured in time because 5 miles through the mountains means nothing, especially if it’s 5 miles on a paved road versus visiting a friend where the road is dirt or gravel all the way 😅
I think they might be talking about “holler”, not “5 minutes from”.
I assume you meant it in the “colloquial for hollow” sense, like “I like 5 minutes from my parent’s house (in their hollow)”. As opposed to “I live 5 minutes from where I could hear my parent’s voices if they yell (holler)”.
Oh right! I forget that people outside Appalachia probably don’t know what a holler is. Tiny town or some houses tucked in a valley or slope in the mountains, one way in one way out, usually a winding road, sometimes paved 😅
It's funny, I'm Canadian and thought the whole distance measured by time thing was a Canadian thing. Neat to see it shows up elsewhere too!
I haven't heard holler in years. I'm in Western PA. just a bit west of the mountains. You using that word brought back some good memories of spending time at my Great-Grandparents' cabin in the summer. Thank you for the good memory.
That’s so sweet, I’m glad it brought back good memories for you! We’re still using it down in Tennessee 🩷
No, do be offended if he doesn't show up. He's the father, not a toddler. He can go sit with his family for one meal he doesn't like.
Personally, I’d give her the choice. “I’m not changing my birthday meal to sit him. He can come and figure it out, or he can choose to not come. If you like we can go without both of you and come have the cake at your house. Let me know what the two of you prefer to do or I’ll e you at restaurant at time”
Ask for a gift certificate so you can take yourself to the Japanese restaurant. Offer to bring a cake to your mom’s house on your birthday so you can celebrate together before or after. She’ll probably offer to buy or make you one, but the offer will make you sound less entitled. Good luck!
Luckily you are way past the age of needing your parents to agree on a meal. And if he would rather sulk over one dinner than celebrate your birthday how you want. That's a him problem not you.
And if h feels like a fool or left out, that's because he refuses to compromise and hopefully can "learn" not every event should be about him.
Also send him the menu before so he can look it over and find something. “Hey this is where we are going to have dinner. here’s the menu, I think XYZ would be good! Can’t wait, see you there!”
I read a lot of posts about people not being able to pick the restaurants they want because of a family member.. mom is too used to babying dad here. If they don’t want to go, skip dinner with them and go with friends. No more catering to dad in your birthday.
If eating together is important and he won't try anything else, maybe he can swing by the Mexican place and get his food to go, then the rest of you eat at your restaurant?
Some restaurants do not allow outside food.
"Dad, this is where I'm going for my birthday dinner, your welcome to come along, but you dont have too, if you dont like the food"
In the most NTA phrasing I can come up with
Yeah I always hold words from my brother in mind (from when I wanted to do a meal and everyone was difficult about date and time): “you invite people and they either come or they don’t”.
You're free to go to the restaurant you want to for your birthday. Queen for a day and all that.
If dad doesn't like the place you've chosen, he's free to stay home.
No reason for people's feelings to get hurt over catering or not catering to picky eaters.
That being said, it sounds like her dad just doesn't even try. Like, my dad doesn't love Japanese food but he can find things he can eat at Japanese restaurants because he is considerate. Most will have some kind of tempura that is very mildly seasoned (meant to be dipped into sauce). My dad just orders that. Sometimes he orders like 2 appetizers (which are often the cooked and more palatable for whitey stuff) to make it work.
He doesn’t try new foods at all, I don’t know if it’s a bigotry thing because he is quite racist, or more of an anxiety issue.
Well that's great then. Why would anyone want to have dinner with a racist anyway?
Well, then just let him not go lol. It's not his birthday
I think that’s why this situation bothers me a bit, because I feel like asking for one special day isn’t that much of an ask? I grew up with 7 other siblings, so our birthdays are really the only time we get that special attention, and it’s just be chill to have it be about me for once 😅
I'm sure the Japanese restaurant can whip up a dish that is almost exactly like moo goo gai pan. Stir fried chicken and veg is stir fried chicken and veg no matter what country it originates from.
NTA - Dad can deal.
Teriyaki chicken bento or bowl ought to satisfy him.
Yup. And Op suggested chicken teriyaki.
Honestly I think chicken teriyaki is basically the safest food a westerner can order at a japanese restaurant, unless they want plain chicken and rice.
Heck, just a plain chicken or pork katsu is right up his alley. Just plain fried meat
Who doesn’t love deep fried meat??
My family are like this and I’m fed up with it.
Don’t change the restaurant. He can suck it up for one meal for once in his life.
NTA
It can be frustrating! The man is the most stubborn, change adverse, picky, concrete minded person I know and it’s like trying to talk to a brick wall at times.
Our family is riddled with food intolerances- birthdays are about the birthday person. My eldest has had birthday dinners at places where I really didn't like anything. It's very common for my partner/kids to get a birthday cake I won't eat so we just get me a cupcake on the side.
Your parents are being ridiculous, your suggested compromises are more than reasonable.
It’s time to humble him with reality.
If this isn’t already the beginning, then I’d be surprised. ETA: NTA. Happy Birthday Queen
NTA she asked where you wanted to go and you told her. Your father's a big boy and should be able to handle eating one meal somewhere that is not his first choice for the sake of celebrating your birthday. It's one freaking meal. He's acting like a toddler. You are not leaving him out. He's welcome to come. If he can't tolerate the food, then he could just eat before you all go out, then not eat at the restaurant or order something small. People do that kind of thing for the ones they love.
Personally, I would contact some friends and make plans with them instead. Go eat where YOU want to eat. Then just tell your parents you made other plans. When your mom asks why, tell her you don't want to deal with your dad's food drama on your birthday and you prefer to celebrate with people who actually want to celebrate with you and won't make it all about them.
If he doesn’t end up going it’s fine, no skin off my back. My 7 siblings will be coming down for dinner so it’ll be a really fun time all around regardless 😌
Enjoy and happy birthday! And don't let your parents make you feel bad about it. They're being ridiculous.
My parents were like this finally I started going with friends not them
I get the pleasure of cooking Christmas dinner for 2 keto people, a low cholesterol person, and a vegetarian. Oddly, none of them are picky and each wants what the others are having, but they can't. But heck, it's a birthday for Jesus.
Enjoy your Japanese. It's YOUR birthday.
“But heck, it’s a birthday for Jesus” 😂😘👌🏼
I love that when a child decides that they want to do something that their parents don't want to do, it's automatically the child's fault. Your mother saying that you are being stubborn instead of calling your father stubborn is a perfect example.
Go to the Japanese place, enjoy yourself, and your dad can go get his boring meal at country buffet by himself.
I’m Mexican and had to look up what Chori Pollo is…. I’ve never heard of it! I think it’s American fusion we don’t have dishes like that. Either way doesn’t look too bad. 😂😂
You're making me feel better 😂. I grew up in So Cal about 60 miles from the border. I was asking myself, "How can there possibly be a picky eater from the East who likes a Mexican dish that I've never heard of."
I looked it up also. Of course I've heard of chorizo! And eaten it many times, though not usually on top of another protein like pollo*. I've just never seen it called "chori".
*This is chicken for those who don't know what pollo means.
I only know whaf pollo means because of Breaking Bad 🤣😂
It’s just chorizo and chicken covered in cheese sauce.
It definitely is a Mexican-American dish! You can’t go wrong with chorizo and melted queso fresco 😅
Unless it's your birthday and you want amazing Japanese fare. Which is your right as the birthday girl.
Maybe you should talk to your dad about the stuff you mentioned that he can eat, and that you’d really appreciate it if he would give it a try because it’s your birthday after all.
If he doesn’t want to, he can stay home.
Nta
This. Mom is being the gatekeeper. Dad is a big boy, let him make the decision.
NTA, and you're not "leaving your father out". He can go and skip eating if he's unwilling to grow up and try something new.
This was going to be the gist of my comment before you said it yourself. Once a year he can deal with a meal that isn't particularly tasty for him. NTA.
NTA. You gave him an invite, he can decide to come or not. If he chooses too he can have plain white rice or the restaurant may be able to make accommodations for him.
"You're leaving your father out"
"He's leaving HIMSELF out. I am going to this restaurant for my birthday. You're welcome to come, he's welcome to come. He can check the menu himself beforehand or we can order off the kids menu for him when he gets there. There's always freaking tempura, its not that bad.
I'm actually celebrating ME for MY birthday and you can get with the program or not come. Its not his birthday. He doesn't get the presents, cake, and choices this year for once."
NTA
It’s your birthday, make it clear that this is where you will be celebrating and sorry if that means they can’t make it.
NTA
NTA
I'm the picky eater in my family. If I get invited to an event where I know I won't like any/the majority of what's available, I just decline OR eat beforehand. He should just order a plain side and a nice drink and enjoy his daughters company for her celebration.
Japanese food generally has steak, and American type food as well. Your mother obviously has never been to Benihana’s.
Tell her that while you appreciate the offer you're going to say no. But that you'd be willing to swing by the house for cake the day after.
That way he gets his bland fix and you don't have to sacrifice your birthday meal at the alter of Dad's pickiness.
nta
NTA - stick to the restaurant. He can either join or not but no more catering to him.
NTA. It's your birthday.
NTA. He can come or not. Up to him. On his birthday he can pick the place.
"Im having my birthday dinner at this restaurant, you are invited but if you don't want to come you don't have to"
NTA. This is your birthday. This is a celebration of you. Pick what you want to do and where you want to go. Your father can put on his big boy pants if he wants to celebrate with you, or he can be a child and stay at home. I am a picky eater, plain white rice and chicken would be my choice at a Japanese place, and I'm sure your father could eat something like that too. I'm sure your father gets to go wherever the fuck he wants to on his birthday, why should the bar be lowered for your birthday?
As long as you are not asking him to pay, you are fine in doing what you want.
You also can have more than one birthday dinner, one without him at your choice of place, and one he will eat at.
NTA sounds like my paternal granddad, spaghetti was too "ethnic" for him, he was your typical illiterate Southern boomer who'd never been further than a 3 hour drive from the spot he was born in his 80something years.
Just tell him to get some chicken or pork katsu and shut up, it's just fried meat nothing too out there, throw it on some rice and veggies and done.
You're 28, you invited them, they can decline or show up. Those are the options. Stop trying to bend over backwards for your dad on your day. You've done it enough. Tell your mum the date and time of your booking and they can decide if they go.
This is the way.
My Dad and brother are the same. All they ever want to eat when we go out is streak with mushroom sauce, so if the restaurant doesn't have that they will bitch and complain until we cave and go to the steak place. One year I wanted to go to a Korean place bit knew that they would not even try anything on the menu. I just said this is where we are going, either come and eat what they have or dont. Brother stayed home. Dad came and actually tried the food and enjoyed it.
Nta. Your birthday is about you and you guys already compromise alot of times for him it wouldn't kill him to just compromise this once
It’s your birthday. Do what you want, and stop catering to him. He will figure it out, or he wont, but either way it’s on him.
What your dad should have done is maybe have your mom make him dinner before you go. Then he can come and have a drnk while you all eat. But he probably won't do that. This sounds more like your mom and dad wanting to take their children on a family dinner with your birthday as an excuse.
Who is paying for the meal? If they are just kindly tell them you have other plans and leave it at that. NAH.
No idea!
NTA. My 9yo son and my 77yo dad both got kids chicken fingers the last time we went out for Sushi.
Why isn't your mom frustrated by your father being intentionally stubborn?
Why isn't your mom frustrated at herself for being intentionally stubborn?
Op: Here are all the compromises where dad can come to this restaurant and enjoy the time with me and I still get what I want for my birthday.
Op's mom: You're intentionally stubborn!
Their relationship is very traditional with the gender roles. Her favorite words are “well you know how men are,” and she accepts his stubbornness and concrete ways as just part of being a man. They’re a very typical older baby boomer generation Appalachian couple.
Hold firm. There are plenty of low seasoning, no frill dishes at Japanese restaurants. As I'm sure you know, they have a fried pork cutlet that is so close to the ones in old southern meat and 2 veg shops that there is almost no way to tell the difference. And rice. So this is about a name.
I strongly urge you to make it a sibling only dinner and then go home for a cake with her and Dad. If she cries foul, say listen it's not me who won't eat a fried pork cutlet because it is in a Japanese restaurant, not even for his daughter's birthday. I'm accommodating you, despite the hurtful behavior.
Just to add, my husband hates fish. Hates, despises, cannot stand. It's practically a phobia. And when I say fish I mean anything that lives in the sea. I can only cook it or eat it in the home when he's away. The smell is part of it.
Nonetheless, he has on more than one occasion taken me to a Japanese restaurant so I could have sushi. He didn't have any and satisfied himself with one of their other dishes which were wildly boring (ie your Dad would love). He did it just to make me happy.
Your Dad can cope.
Your birthday isn't about the food or your father. It's about you. He doesn't even have to eat, just be there for you. He can eat before or after and order the mildest side or just drinks. He should care the most about celebrating you rather than what he will eat.
So I would tell him or at least your mom if you feel he's too stubborn to even listen to you, that focusing on the food every time makes it seem like you don't matter as much as him having his picky eating. They can complain and deny that isn't the case, but things would have turned out exactly the same if it was. So maybe its time they prove that they actually care about you.
NTA
Your birthday so your choice. He’s an adult and should be able to handle this without acting like a child
NTA! It’s your birthday and people should want you to be happy and go where you want! Also, I don’t know what it’s like in America, but a lot of restaurants in the UK, will always have things like steak, chicken pieces or the like, no matter the main cuisine being served. Stick to your guns and go where you want. If your dad or both parents won’t accept that, then leave them out. Say you understand that they don’t want to eat that food, but it’s your birthday and that’s what you really want to do. Trust me, I’ve spent YEARS doing things on my birthday I don’t want to do because people complained. It’s liberating when you go, ‘forget you guys’.
Wishing you a very happy birthday!
Thank you! I’ve been to the UK and Ireland a lot to see family, and it’s not so much like that here, particularly at ethnic restaurants. Many places will have a kid’s menu with chicken tenders/goujons, and chips, but not all of them.
Aaww, that sucks. I’m sorry. I’d still go to the restaurant you want and have an amazing time with people who prioritise you and your desires. ☺️
NTA, plenty of commenters have offered reasonable culinary alternatives (on your father’s end) and he also could just eat first and be there for you to spend time together. You deserve have what you want on your birthday.
I am going to this restaurant for my birthday. If you and dad want to attend, great. If not. I understand. We'll stop by afterwards for cake and coffee...or we can go to the mexican restaurant next week for a late birthday
Problem solved
My friends love sushi. I do not.
I have no problem meeting up with them after sushi or just going and hanging out while they eat
Me not being able to eat anything is because my brain doesn't like anything that lives in the water. It sucks. But I don't pout about it. I deal with it
And I don't make my dietary constraints about me on other people's special day
Yeah...sometimes it's awkward when people realize you are not eating. But I am a big boy. I can go without food and eat on the way home or at the bar we go to afterwards
Plus, a lot of the great sushi places where I live have stuff I can eat. A nice house salad with ginger dressing...delish. Maybe they fried rice. Or some kind of steak dish, or even ramen. I love a good ramen...the spicier the better
Your mom has just spent so much of her life catering to your dad's stubborn refusal to expand his diet that she has no fight left in her.
NTA
That’s fair, that might be a good approach to handle this going forward. I get it, I’m not a fan of sushi either but I’d still get sushi with my friends if they wanted to go.
NTA.
Stop taking responsibility for your mother's emotions. She's entitled to be frustrated, but that's not your problem to fix. She should be frustrated with your dad, but either she's trained you to take responsibility or she simply chooses to push the most pliable target, you.
She can be hurt, but that's not your responsibility. She can choose to be hurt by you, or she can focus on the real problem, your dad.
Try to direct those emotions to where they belong. For example, choose the restaurant you want. She says dad won't eat there. You respond, "I will miss him. But I'm glad you will be there." If she says she's not coming either, you respond, "I'm disappointed you would choose dad's food preference over celebrating my birthday."
And so on. Don't get angry. Just keep redirecting her back to the real problem. Also....don't suggest solutions, like rice and chicken. That only allows her to focus on arguing about solutions. Let her come up with her own solution (that doesn't involve pushing you around.)
nta. your birthday, you decide the place. they can go to longhorn when it's his birthday lol.
You are 28 not 8. Pick where you want to go and call it a night.
Just tell people "I'm going to sushi for my birthday. Anyone that wants to join me is welcome."
You might be alone, or you might have a full table. Let them decide.
I don't think you should compromise. However, instead of your mom cooking a single meal everyone can eat, why not do something where everyone orders take out from their own preferred place and then eat that at home? That way your dad can eat his bland food with you while you eat Japanese. I don't think its that much trouble to get food from 2 different restaurants.
I think it’s a decent idea! Logistically, I’m not sure it’d work just because we live in a more remote area. The Japanese place is like 40-50 minutes from the holler we grew up in, and the only restaurants in our town are the Mexican place, the Chinese takeaway, and a bar. It’d just be a lot of a hassle to drive that far and then try to bring food back.
NTA - I eat like your dad does and I would just grab McDonald's or something easy on the way and then decline to get food at the restaurant and just enjoy the company.
I actually have done this multiple times now that I think about it. He can get over it or not show up.
You are not the bad guy. The bad guy is your father, who refuses to adapt even slightly for his daughter. Hell, I would be ready to eat surströmming if my daughter asked.
And the mom who won't stand up for her kid and tell her husband that it's not his day!
She’s almost 30!
NTA for not wanting to change your plans but you have to decide what is more important, having your parents there or eating where you want. I can't tell you how many times I've had to eat at McDs because that is what my Mom thought was haute cuisine. I would eat there every day if I could have her back. Is it possible to honor your parents on your birthday and then go to the Japanese place with your friends for your birthday?
They either go or they don't go. Simple. Happy Birthday! Enjoy the dinner you want.
"I want to go to ____ for my birthday. If you don't want to eat there, then you don't have to come"
NTA, and your dad is the grown up.
I have a lot of food allergies and eating out is a challenge. Sometimes I don't go, sometimes I go and just sit there and don't eat. I can't force my family to eat at the only place where I can get food, so as the grown-up I bring my own and eat beforehand, or find something on the menu that I can kind of eat.
It's not always about me, so I suck it up and enjoy the time with my family and watching them enjoy their food.
NAH. It’s your birthday, pick a restaurant that you like and invite everyone you want and give them the option to come or not.
Understand though that if having your dad come is important to you, then you probably need to pick somewhere that has something he’ll eat. Pickyness with food is a deep psychological thing and your dad probably isn’t going to be able to change as he heads into old age.
NTA. My husband’s mother does this. Your mother was paying you lip service by “asking.” She knows she doesn’t actually care what you say. Reiterate the invitation. Make sure your siblings go so you can give a proper head count to the restaurant. Happy birthday. Enjoy your dinner and updateme
It's a good thing it's not his birthday then, isn't it. NTA
I would actually try something different. Why not eat at home, but order in the Japanese food.
Order a few things he likes and then whatever else you and your mom want. This does two things takes away the anxiety of eating out and his needing to make a choice. It’s already done and he can see that it’s something he would like.
Or you can order your Japanese and he can order what he wants.
NAH.
I have never been to a restaurant that wouldn’t try to meet diet restrictions. Call them instead restaurant ahead and ask if they were able to just make him a plain steak or chicken.
It’s crazy how relatable this is. This year I “had things to do” (bday was on a Monday) and got exactly what I wanted for dinner and ate on my own. It’s exhausting having the same situation happen every year. Don’t ask what I want if you’re going to choose something someone else wants anyway. I hope you go to the restaurant you want and establish that you’re done appeasing others opinions to go out on a day meant to celebrate YOU. Tell mom her and dad can go get Tex-Mex, you’ll go with your siblings, you can send each other pictures of yall at dinner and pretend you’re together 🤣 then have cake together (please also choose the cake you prefer 😅) NTA
Make the reservation. Invite who you want, including your father. Anyone who isn't willing to eat there can just stay home, including your father. Stop kowtowing to him. He's a grown-ass adult. He can find something on the menu or he can stay home.
No offense, but your dad sounds like a big man-baby. This comes from people catering to his every whim his whole life. Go to the restaurant you want. He can choose to come or not, but he needs to know that if he starts to sulk and complain about the food, trying to ruin your birthday, he’s going to have to wear a crown that says “whiny little man-bitch” and suck on a pacifier for the rest of the night. Your old man needs to grow up, and your mom needs to stop enabling him. NTA Happy birthday, OP!
NTA. I agree with the other commenters that you should just invite your dad and let him decide if he wants to go or not. Don't place that responsibility/burden on yourself. If he's doesn't go, that's his choice/fault -- it's not because you wouldn't change your bday plans for you and everyone else just to cater to him. I think you guys just got used to making/changing plans around your dad, but you are in your late 20s now. You're definitely old enough to have your own independence & choices!
Why can’t your mom call the restaurant and see if they can make him plain chicken and rice as a meal? If he doesn’t even like teriyaki, they could probably just do salt and pepper.
All she has to explain is he’s very sensitive to spices and a crotchety old man. Restaurants know the type.
NTA. When you have food issues it's partly on you to be able to be flexible enough to handle things like this.
I have intolerances, and I was also raised in the midwest USA, which was not known for using a lot of hot or varied spicing in the late 20th century. And my dad was autistic, which made it more so.
As a rule, I don't go to Thai places or Japanese places. For Thai, it is because anything mild enough for me to eat is insipid. If it's hot enough to be tasty, I can't eat it without Dire Consequences. With Japanese, I don't like fish and sour and salty very well.
In both cases I have something I can eat if I go there with grace and without letting the world know that this isn't a cuisine I prefer, because that's more mannerly than playing the "I can't eat there" game.
He can decide if he wants to come or not, but I will say that if he comes and acts like a toddler, you should ask him to leave.
Only you know how he will react.
If he says he will come but is a bully or an ass, tell him not to come.
If he does come, most places have things on the menu that he might like.
If you think he might come, try to find the menu online so he can figure out what he'd eat.
Good luck!
My wife goes to Japanese restaurants with me. She eats noodles and rice and miso soup. And I get to enjoy sushi and all that good stuff.
Give your dad chicken karaage, gyoza, spring rolls to get him going.
I feel for you. I grew up in an English meat and potatoes and more meat family.
This was all my birthdays for years. My mom was an unadventurous eater. My brother too, but he will at least try things. Every birthday I had to pick a restaurant that had things they would eat. Usually we went to a Greek-Italian place because they would eat Italian, while I would order something Greek.
Try explaining to your dad what options are there that he'd potentially like. Surely they have a steak dish and he could get steamed or fried rice with it.
NTA.
Your birthday, your choice. A few others have said it too, but they should have Tempura Shrimp and maybe chicken, that is just breaded meat he can eat if he can't be assed to expand his palate for 1 meal.
You and I have the same dad but definitely different moms. If it isnt overdone red meat and mashed potatoes (with minimal pepper) he doesn't want it. However. My favorite place in our city is a Japanese restaurant. I go every year. My dad finds the one thing on the menu for american people and gets that. I want to say it is steak something. My dad never complains. He never says he wont come. He always shows up no matter what.
With that being said. I have 2 birthday dinners a year. I have one with my family where I pick a place the whole family can eat comfortably, let's say Texas roadhouse which I dont particularly like, and then going to get my sushi rolls at another time, usually on my birthday. My birthday isnt about me. It is about being able to be around everyone. However, if ny dad hadn't been so accommodating and never complaining, I wouldn't be so accommodating now.
That’s my dad! He loves all his meat very well done. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who cooks his Chinese takeaway after getting it. The man will fully remove all the pieces of chicken, fry them till they’re shoe leather, and then put it all back together.
My Dad’s the same when it comes to food. The man eats meat and 2 veg every day for his dinner. When my daughter turned 16, she wanted to go to our local Chinese restaurant with the family. My Dad complained about it but I told him they had other choices on the menu. He sucked it up for his eldest granddaughter, came with us and had a lovely plate of breaded chicken and chips while the rest of us had Chinese food. AND, he was glad he did go, which also meant a lot to my daughter. So NTA, and don’t change where you want to go for YOUR birthday.
Traditional Japanese or a hibachi steak place?
A sushi bar that has omakase, ramen, and noodle dishes. The restaurant tends to lean more traditional.
Has dad weighed in on any of this? Does he know that your mother has decided that he doesn't want to go?
Not yet, he’s at work right now, we spoke this morning.
Sounds like it would be more enjoyable anyway without him.
"typical Appalachian American, boomer man who loves his casseroles, meat and potatoes, no frills, no spice" so he's MAGA for sure lol
Shockingly, no! Just your standard old pre MAGA Republican. He actually voted for Kamala and Biden the last 2 times because he hates Trump.
NTA - Go to the place you want to go. Bring the menu ahead of time and go over it with dad and show him things he will like. It's just fear of the unknown.
NTA ofc
Go to the restaurant you want with your sibs, sucks for your mom but she's the one making these choices too
NTA! Listen you and your siblings go and enjoy YOUR BIRTHDAY dinner!
It’s your birthday and you decide. If your father doesn’t want to go, he can stay home and shame on your mother for trying to force you into a different decision.
NTA
As a picky eater myself, I understand the frustration of not wanting to eat any of the food at a particular restaurant.
However, as a grown adult, I also recognize that the world doesn't revolve around me, and sometimes I'm gonna have tl compromise, especially for somebody else's birthday.
NTA He is a grown man. If he dosent what to go, he dosent have to.
I’m the mother of 5… from an almost 18 year old all the way to a 5 year old. I can’t count the amount of places I have gone that I wasn’t into, because it would make one or more of the kiddos happy.
2 of my teens love Japanese food and I am not a fan. When it’s their choice to choose a restaurant, like birthday or doing well on report card or just because it’s their “turn”; I suck it up.
I have never been to a restaurant where I couldn’t find SOMETHING I could eat.
NTA.
This is YOUR BIRTHDAY. Tell Mr. Picky Child that you're going to eat Japanese for dinner, and swing by Taco Bell on the way home and get him something.
NTA. Do some sort of celebration separately with your father. Perhaps you go over that weekend for cake and ice cream.
NTA
Picky eater here. If someone wants to go someplace i can't find anything on the menu that works for me i just go "have fun!"
i skip 3/4ths of work team lunches so they can go to places they enjoy but i don't.
They’d all be happier if they got comfortable with going out in smaller groups to maximize enjoyment rather than clinging to full togetherness. My dad simply doesn’t enjoy eating out very much. He likes food. He’ll eat it and even have favorites but in his core, he thinks eating out is a waste of money and doesn’t get why his wife and two daughters find it so fun or interesting. So we don’t force it. If it’s my birthday, I’ll go with my sister and mom. We hang out with dad later. Why ruin it for everyone?
Look at the menu-Japanese restaurants often have hibachi grilled meat that is plain. He could have a hibachi steak and some rice. He might also enjoy tempura.
Japanese food is great if you don't like a lot of seasoning--some of the best stuff is simply prepared.
I often do separate birthday dinners for my parents and my friends/siblings. Doesn't have to be ON your birthday.
NTA just go with your siblings. Leave picky pain in the arse at home.
My Dad was also a country boy. He ate meat and three veg and was not adventurous with his food at all. However my Mum loved to try new things and she was cooking curries and stir-fries and all sorts of things Dad had never eaten growing up. And you know he ate it all, never grumbled (he was a smart man and knew not to upset the cook 😂) and actually really enjoyed most of Mum’s culinary adventures.
Your Dad can not blame his limited palate on his upbringing. It’s on him now. He’s a miserable, selfish old fart who values his own tiresome picky eating habits over being a good Dad trying new things with his daughter.
Is he really rigid in other areas too? Has your Mum always rushed around pandering to him, ie spoiling him?
This kind of illustrates how your parents can’t think and care about you. And how selfish they’ve been all your life. NTA. And you’re 28, why make this such a big deal. Just do what you want lol
NTA
I'm in pretty much this exact situation. Why not talk to your dad, see what he thinks? It gets you nowhere to deal with your mother, who doesn't believe you. Explain that you're not trying to leave him out, but you know what you want to eat on your birthday. You always do what he wants on his birthday, right?
My solution to this is that I go where I want on my day with my friends, and then one day soon after, on a day that's convenient for my parents and my brother, I come back home and break bread with them at their place like we did when I was a kid. That's their present to me.
I get my special dinner that I want, and I also get some good family time in.
Refusing to compromise on a different restaurant makes him a bigger AH.
He'll get nothing and like it.
We always knew when my FIL didn’t like a place because he’d say, I’ll just have a burger “ Lol Don’t change your choice. He’ll find something on the menu. And if not, he can pick up something on the way home. It’s about being together. Trust me. We wish my FIL was still around to just have a burger.
As someone with a number of vegetarian family members, I'll try finding a median ground but if there's like a specific place I'm craving or haven't been to in a while, my family will make it work. My SiL is strictly vegetarian, and just ordered a bunch of apps at the bbq spot we went to (after confirming which had any sort of meat product in them). She might not have been super stoked, but she also made the sacrifice to eat a meal with me and my family on my birthday.
The meal isn't what's important, the time spent together is, and especially the person being celebrated (you). It's one day a year. He can suck it up if he doesn't have fatal food allergies.
Just go without him. Nta. Its your birthday dinner.
My very picky sibling can usually get by with shrimp tempura or fried rice. Maybe suggest dad looks at the menu ahead of time.
It’s your bday. Go and enjoy and don’t feel bad.
Every other meal that man eats all year will be catered to his preference. He can get over it for one. If he can't, say "wel ain't you a little snowflake" and hang up. Hell with'em.
Your father is a spoiled child. Un invite him. He can eat chicken tenders at home. Like a child.
It’s your birthday Not your father’s , so either they go or stay home Period
Updateme
You can eat at the Japanese restaurant any other time. Your parents want to celebrate with you so you'd need to accommodate your father's culinary preferences. This is a matter of respect toward your parents.
NTA. I wouldn’t uninvite them — that could just give them something to hold against you later. Instead, calmly tell them that it’s your birthday dinner, and this is what you’ve chosen. You understand your dad is picky and your mom may not come if he doesn’t, but you’d still love for both of them to attend. Make it clear that you’d be happy to have them there, but you also understand if they decide not to come.
Honestly, they’re both TA for refusing to compromise. Like others have said, they can eat beforehand or find something simple on the menu. At the very least, they should be willing to show up for their child.
idk, I usually eat the more exciting ethnic foods with friends and have a more traditional american meal with my family because to me, I know it's important for them to see me on my bday. I love my parents, and I also don't want them to waste money on a meal they won't eat or enjoy. It's not like I can't find something I wouldn't enjoy from the American places too. Maybe you could suggest lunch with the family but dinner with friends?
That’s fair! A lot of people have suggested the friend dinner, which could be an idea. Normally I only see my family on my birthday, so it could be fun to mix it up!
Wait you only see your parents on your birthday and you won’t pick someplace your dad likes? Yta
I see my parents like once a week, we live 30 minutes away from each other. You’re misunderstanding what I meant, my family are the only people I see during my birthday, I do not spend my birthdays with friends. My birthday usually consists of birthday dinner with family, then we play board games or watch movies, and I go home after.
You were told to pick a restaurant you wanted to go to. That makes you NTA.
But this is a birthday dinner with family. Does that mean dad is paying?
If dad is paying for the dinner and you insist on going to a restaurant where you know he won’t eat anything, you are turning into an AH.
NTA. This has nothing to do with being a boomer. My husband and I are. My husband is the most adventurous eater in the family and went to Vietnam and Cambodia with a friend and tried everything. I am the unadventurous one, but I go to sushi and do exactly what you said, plain rice and teriyaki chicken. My husband has been the family chef for over 40 years and loves trying new stuff. Unfortunately he has me a very unadventurous eater as his wife. The kids like to try it, or our friends.
You are 28 years old, act like an adult. Someone is offering to buy your dinner, stop being difficult. Go to dinner with your parents, they are old and will be dead soon. You honestly don’t have many birthdays left.
NTA - but would it be so bad to pick a restaurant everyone can enjoy? I’d want my dad to enjoy dinner too. Japanese can always wait
So you're another person that would tell OP to pick where she wants, but not mean it. Why bother to offer any choice then: just always go where dad wants.
What about OP enjoying it, since it's her birthday?
IOW, it has nothing to do with/for OPs birthday.
lol I was assuming we were taking about adults making adult decisions. Forgot I was Reddit where the children reign. I can’t believe you just typed all that
Exactly!
Can you talk to your dad? Tell them that you're going to the Japanese place and even though its not to his taste you'd still appreciate it if he'd come and join the family. But given how your mother seems to accommodate him at every turn I'm guessing he wouldn't respond well to that ask. NTA
I think you have a point but I also think as you get older you’ll regret being so hard on them.
Info-'Is this your present or is it a family get together for your birthday? Because, if this is pick a restaurant for your family getting together to celebrate your birthday and you are getting gifts, then you should pick somewhere everyone can enjoy. If it's your birthday gift, then you should get to pick wherever you want to go. Who's paying? I suspect your parents are paying and that you'll also receive a gift from them...
You seem awfully immature for a 28 year old. You sound more like a 15 year old teenager. Go out with friends for your 28th birthday then. If I were your father, I wouldn't want to go to a restaurant that I didn't like the food so I would just say, go without me. Are you expecting them to pay?
How is OP immature, as opposed to the 64 year old man who can't manage to have a meal somewhere that doesn't have one of his comfort foods?
Yeah and her mom asked HER. She didn’t ask her parents to dinner for her own bday. This boomer man can grow up or not go.
I am sure the picture painted of OP's father reminds this commenter of himself and so he has to "defend" that somehow. Such an insane comment to make lol
Absolute GARBAGE take.
What a selfish act that would be. It’s your daughter’s birthday, you’re going to celebrate her, not to get the exact meal you’d prefer.
Lol, more immature than parents that won't let their daughter actually pick where they celebrate her birthday, after offering it? You really need a dictionary about what maturity is.
He's a grown ass man with a grown ass daughter, and neither he or you can suck it up for one day to let her celebrate where she wants? Wow. I can just imagine the type of parent you are.
Yes, YTAH. Have a meal with your friends at the Japanese place, and a family one where they all want to go.
Why exactly?
Because it is more about spending time with your loved ones than it is about the food. I would rather have my father with me than go to any particular restaurant. Not that it makes OP an AH. Just the way I would view it.
There’s no reason her father can’t go
Great, then dad won't mind going then.
But apparently you'd be fine if your father was unwilling to eat a meal with you, if he couldn't pick the restaurant? What kind of a shit relationship do you have where your father wouldn't suck it up for one day, to celebrate your birthday your way?
What kind of shit relationship do you have that you wouldn’t want your family member to be happy as well?
do you want a meal that you can get anytime or spend a special day with the people that your supposed to love???????
my dad is a picky eater and i would rather go to his favorite greasy spoon and suck it up, then make a big deal about him ...... time with dad or a meal ya gonna crap out in 10 hours ?
Does the dad want a meal he can get anytime or spend a special day with his daughter that he's supposed to love??????
The man is 64, he's not a child, he can suck it up for one meal a year.