UPDATE 2: The reason I counted all of the money on groceries is because he had offered to cover groceries because of the salary difference (300k vs 20k) so I adopted an expense that he had primarily committed to.
UPDATE:
So after Thanksgiving, he offered to help me with car insurance- I was paying over $100 a month for a policy he could get for 6 months for $86. However last night we got into an argument about the 12k and my contributions. Today he sent me a text that he cancelled my car insurance until I pay back the money. I’m DONE
ORIGINAL POST
During Covid I got behind on rent by about 12k. My boyfriend covered it. He is not just fine financially. He is well off to a level that feels almost silly compared to how hard I struggle every month.
When he paid the rent, the early plan was that I would pay him back once I got a lump sum I was expecting. But he also said something very specific that he now pretends never came out of his mouth. He told me, word for word, that if I paid him back in groceries or whatever, it counted. That was the arrangement. There was never a conversation about cash only. He never corrected anything. He watched me follow that agreement.
So for the next two years, I handled about 80 to 90 percent of our groceries, which averaged around 800 a month. I also paid for something we do together every month that cost anywhere from 400 to 800 depending on the month. So I was putting in roughly 1200 to 1600 a month.
Here is the part that hurts. Two years of that means I repaid between 28,800 on the low end and 38,400 on the high end. The original loan was 12,000. I paid him back more than double. Possibly more than triple. I was drowning financially while doing it, and he saw it every single month.
Now he claims none of that counts. He says repayment had to be cash. He denies ever saying groceries counted. He rewrites the entire agreement and acts like I am crazy for believing what he told me for two years. If he had said groceries did not count, I would not have done this. Nobody would.
He also refuses to celebrate any holidays with me. No birthday. No Christmas. No gifts. This has gone on for years. His excuse is that I still owe him money, while he sits in a completely different financial universe and watches me stress over every bill.
Any time I bring up the original agreement, he blows up. Full rage. No conversation. Denies everything.
So here is my question. AITA for refusing to keep paying for something I clearly already paid back many times over. Because from where I am sitting, this feels like a debt that does not exist anymore, and he is using it as a way to punish me.
NTA - back date and invoice him for his share of the groceries and dates.
Tell him since there was a misunderstanding, he needs to pay his share, in cash.
She should look for her receipts, or card statements, but I dont think OP is that financially savvy. She should have known when she got close to the amount owed by mental tabulation.
Thank you kind redditor for the award!
I’ve kept track of all of it
Send him an invoice for half of all groceries and your hobbies, so if he wants to have his 12k, he will have to also pay half his share.
This, absolutely! Copy all the receipts, send the copies to him with an invoice for his share, tell him you'll repay the 12k once he has repayed you. And PLEASE break up with him if you haven't yet.
And make sure the part about offsetting his debt with the owing 12k is said verbally. Don't acknowledge the 12k in writing.
Yes, but don't forget the part where you break up with him after. This is clearly financial abuse. Print out your bank statements, show your receipts, and in no unclear terms demonstrate how much you have contributed financially over the years since the initial loan. He can lie about the original agreement all he likes, but groceries and dates have a monetary value that he benefited from. If he insists on a cash repayment, then insist that he repays you for half of your financial contributions. And once it's all done and dusted, don't forget to dump his manipulative ass.
It doesn’t matter if she proves it with receipts. He’ll always manipulate the narrative to fit his story. He is financially abusing her as a means to control her and he likes watching her suffer. My ex was the SAME way which is why I left him after a year. You need to LEAVE him, he is EXPLOITING you. As long as he keeps you financially struggling, he thinks you can’t leave him. He is disgusting.
Yes, I was in a relationship like this. It was so hard to get out of because he would threaten me with getting me fired from my job, break my door down, etc. Your guy sounds very controlling, manipulate, easy to anger, narcissistic. He withholds love by not celebrating holidays.
My ex actually did prevent me from landing a great job opportunity and that was the final straw, it fully opened my eyes.
In court it would, the receipts show that he was adequately compensated financially through other means amounting to well over $12,000, therefore she has settled her debt. It’s just like when you owe money to the bank and you don’t have the cash to pay, they will take your assets to recoup their losses.
No judge is going to say, well you didn’t pay in cash so it doesn’t count lol the debt would be considered settled. Just because the repayment wasn’t on his terms (I’m also sure the judge would believe OP over her bf) doesn’t mean he wasn’t compensated for what he loaned to her.
This
Absolutely!!!
Absolutely this! After you show him the receipts, break up with him. Can you imagine decades more of this sort of abuse?
I'd just break up with him and tell him good luck ever getting that money- she has such strong evidence proving she has paid more than enough. Any judge would laugh this boy straight out of court if he did try to take her to small claims or somehow sue her, which I doubt he'd actually try to do. And OP can use this as a learning lesson to always get agreements in writing and send an image to your cloud or email.
Absofrickinlutely this! And Updateme! so I can dance a little jig when OP moves on to her happier future.
Oh for sure, and I want to add, people like this do not change. It's about power, control, and putting you in a place of submission. My parents were/are like this. When I was growing up, the promise was that they'd pay for my college, if I chose an affordable school (comparable to a state school), if I supplemented with scholarships, and if I graduated in 4 years. I met all of those conditions, and paid out of my own pocket for an apartment for 2 years that cost less than dorms, but wasn't technically part of the agreement. 30 fucking years later, they hold it over my head. These two will be grandparents and he'll still be complaining about what he's owed.
Why not break up first? This is a legal matter, and she has receipts. She should 1. Dump him. 2. Send him a written account of the conversation, each date and amount of groceries, and a statement that says, “Per our agreement, I have paid you back over the last 2 years via the itemized purchases from which you benefitted, at a time I could not really afford to do this. I would never have purchased your groceries otherwise. This was our agreement, and you do not have the right to go back on it now. If you insist on changing the agreement now, you will have to reimburse me for the amount I spent on you. After you do so, I will reimburse you for the $12,000 initial loan. Send it certified mail.
Not only financial abuse but just sounds god damn exhausting!
I suspect He's lying about his finances somehow, or he's gotten himself into some sort of hole and he suddenly needs cash to stay afloat. He knew about the grocery payback, otherwise he would have been bugging her for cash for this entire time. Who would let their partner take them on $400 dates if they weren't being paid back?
There's some reason he wants this money all of a sudden in cash. It could just be your typical emotional/financial abuse, but I have a feeling there's something more nefarious going on.
Yes get reimbursed, and then peace out. You’ll feel relief in more ways than one. Anyone who loves you like you deserve would never watch you struggle, and never back out of a deal.
And then dump his ass
This! After the debt and what HE OWES YOU is settled, dump him immediately! He is not a man of his word. His true character is showing and it is a huge 🚩!
I feel so sad for you! You came here seeking the answer you already had - why are you still there? Years of no celebrations? What do u do for fun? You need to take this in & know that it’s never going to change 😞. I’m sorry you’re with a man who thinks it’s ok to treat anyone, let alone someone he loves, like this. You gotta move on!
He doesn’t love her
But that's the thing he doesn't love her. No one who loves someone would do that to them. This man is using you 100%. You are nothing but his meal ticket. Literally.
Oh darling. You kept the receipts! I hope you get money back from him when all is said and done.
Real talk though? What needs to be done is your relationship with him. If he has done this petty shit to you, he is not the man you thought he was.
And then leave that cold-hearted twat.
Then why did you over pay? What did you think was going to ‘level out’ over the years with you consistently overpaying?
She probably just wanted to take care of someone who had taken good care of her, and assumed they were in it together.
Or, she's only reached the "28K to 38K" figure recently, suddenly realising that he's not keeping track and she should have been.
Why are you with this man? You deserve to be celebrated not nickle and dimed by this cheapskate who is clearly ripping you off. Tell him to take you to court and be sure to keep copies of every single document of you paying for everything. You deserve better
Then send him a copy, telling him that he owes you half of everything you spent. According to your calculations, you'll come out ahead.
He's a selfish asshole. Seriously reconsider this relationship.
Your surely not still with this guy , please say he's your ex .
Just don't pay him back, simple as that, are there any legally binding documents signed? If not, keep the groceries bills or ask HIM to pay YOU back for his part of the groceries and give that cash back to him :)
I had faith it would level out and we’d finds way to make things a bit more balanced.
Or as assumed, I’m a complete idiot.
You trusted someone, that’s not being an idiot.
Now that you understand what he is really like though, it would be idiotic to not hand him an itemised list along with a farewell card on your way out the door.
Then block the fucker.
I’m speaking from personal experience, everything he’s doing to you is exactly what my grandma did to my mom when I was a child. It’s financial abuse. Please save digital copies of those receipts, transactions, etc and consider small claims court. Before that, consider leaving him first. Nothing about what he’s doing is normal.
The amount of money, last I checked, is too much for small claims.
You’re not an idiot, just trusting. Be prepared; he will likely point out that half the food cost was enjoyed by you, so 50% credit. (Better than nothing!)
Only if you stay in this relqtionship
You're not an idiot. Relationships don't start out this way. I'm sure he didn't show up to your first date and say "I'm totally loaded but I'm also a complete tightwad and will hold it over you."
You just have a very different view of your relationship. To you, it's a partnership. It's about giving what you can. To him, it's a transaction. He loaned you some money, and now he gets to use it to refuse to celebrate events, to get his groceries and more paid for, and to hold it over you. And that's a pretty gross way of viewing it.
You're worth more than this.
He sounds like the worst! If you have the evidence, do what the above person said and then get away from him.
You are absolutely not a complete idiot for any of that. However, honey, you will be an idiot of the highest fucking order if you spend one more day with this piece of shit. Sent him an invoice for what he owes you please. Please.
Get your money back , and after he gives you what he owed, pay him the 12k and break up with him
AND hit him where it hurts, get his work email and dump all his trash in front of his colleagues. Dude is not OP’s BF. He’s seeing somebody else and humiliating OP while getting sex. Dude is trash. What do you think he’s doing during holidays?
And frankly I don’t think he is as well off as he claims.
He’s lying about a LOT.
NTA why are you with this complete AH? Dump him!
And then dump his ass. He's just a walkin', talkin', gas lightin', predatory lendin', Amscot that also gets to sleep with you. I'd say f that, but you do you.
NTA. This behaviour is very toxic. You should leave, couples that don’t align financially can’t work
Absolutely agreed. If I had that level of wealth compared to my partner, personally I’d just pay it and write it off. Money isn’t everything and to see my partner stressed and struggling vs happy and relaxed, that’s just cruel.
It's all about control and power. Run!!!
If she truly believes what she posted then she needs to leave as soon as possible. No gifts until he’s paid back? But willing took all the gifts and food but didn’t count it towards being paid back, plus not giving gifts as counting towards the “loan”. Well then that’s not a loan. He’s triple dipping. Some people are weird with money and he’s made it clear that he loves money more than he will ever love her. People like this aren’t worth your time or money.
Fuck he’s well off and still not happy. Money isn’t the problem he has.
Edit: ooooooh I have an idea. Go super stingy, like rice and beans only and nothing for him. “I have to save up for the loan.” Don’t drive a mile for him unless “I can but the cost of gas has to be taken off of the loan, plus hourly wage.” Get so stingy it drives him crazy. He’s so stingy that he’s using OP for free entertainment and still making her pay him back.
Leave the asshole.
I’m all for the stinginess. Let him suffer in his own game.
Exactly this. During corona time my partner’s business went to 0 because he wasn’t allowed to host his events. So he did get some money but not a lot. I had my normal earnings and even got a higher paying job. So I paid more and never even talked about money. We paid for groceries out of our joint account and we both knew I was putting more into that account. But we never talked about it because it was our money. Not mine. Not his. And now he earns more. So now he pays more. We also have children now and I do more for our children and the house. But if he ever starts comparing he can do exact 50/50 and I can work more.
This guy obviously doesn't get the ebb and flow of life. I was earning more than my husband for a while, so I paid more for things, now I'm unwell and he pays for the lion's share of things. It all comes around and I hope this guy gets a taste of it!
My wife and I went through patches where one of us was working full-time, and the other was studying (and vice versa). Regardless, our money has always just gone into the same account and it belonged to both of us. That’s just what you do when you love someone – carry them when they need it, and let them carry you when you do.
I agree. It’s one thing to pay for things because you want to, like supplying groceries because you want to share a nice meal. But he is demanding much, much more. I say cut ties now, you’ll be financially better off. Find someone who appreciates your efforts and enjoys sharing equally.
Who’s going to tell her?…. Anyone?… ok, I will! That dude does not really like you. He gets enjoyment out of humiliating you. Why are you still dating this dude?!
Ah man, you beat me to it.
OP, make sure you work out how much has been spent covering his share of the bills and have that ready to present. Do not succumb to his 'logic'. He seems to enjoy watching you struggle.
Indeed it's time to separate finances and take him to small claims court if needed to be for all the financial abuse she has paper trail to prove
What would she be suing for?
I can't believe it's this far down. And people are discussing how to get the money back, invoice him etc.
He's a very nasty person. Vicious and malicious. Run like hell OP
I thought you were talking about her ability to do math. It’s just as bad as her ability to pick a dude.
Fair
Thank you. I came here to challenge the assumptions made by the math problem. For the rate of repayment to be $1200-1600 per month, that assumes the boyfriend is responsible for 100% of those expenses.
If they’re both responsible at a rate of 50%, then the rate of repayment is merely $440-720 per month. After 24 months, that’s $10,560-17,280.
PLEASE DO NOT use ChatGPT for arithmetic.
This is what I was looking for lol, she has overpaid some or possibly not at all at this point. Should check all the numbers and get a firm number out, send him a spreadsheet. Then break up with him
You're the AH to yourself for staying with this guy.
Thank you. The comment that really matters. How she doesn’t see this is very very sad. But better late than never.
Yes how do people not understand they don't only have duty to treat other people well but also to treat themselves well. Can't ever be a good person if you grossly mistreat someone every day and yes you yourself count towards that quota
Just a little correction. Since half the groceries were for you, the amount that you say that you repaid should be cut in half. However, it is still more than the $12,000.00.
I was going to point that out as gently as I could. You would normally contribute 50% in groceries, so if 800 bucks is 80% of the monthly grocery bill, you are only paying him back around 300 a month in groceries. But even at that lower rate, you've repaid your debt, as the other commenter points out.
Can I ask, are you willing to end this relationship by saying no to a future of indentured servitude? I certainly hope so. Then I'll also ask, did you two sign a contract, with a repayment schedule? If not, then why not just tell him to get bent, and strike out on your own? You could turn the tables, and tell him you never promised to pay him back, and that he told you the money was a gift. Then walk away from this POS and never look back.
To build on this: at the low end, we have $300/month in groceries + $200/month for activity, totaling $500/month, which is exactly $12,000 over two years.
Yes!!!!!! THIS! THIS! 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
Just checking. Do you go share the other bills and expenses?
NTAH OP you're on a toxic relationship with a gaslighter. Even though is something more simple like denying something he previously said and punishing you by refusing to celebrate holidays with you, still is pretty clear that you were used and betrayed. He saw you paying everything and putting yourself in a position where you could/would be struggling financially AND NEVER ASKED WHY/TOLD YOU DO STOP.
That's not something a caring person would do.
If he's not interested in accepting the groceries as payment, ask back the money he owns you.
No man that loves you would ever watch you struggle and be okay with it.
This above all else
Absolutely 100% No one who loves another, even if they tell you they do, would do this to their partner. He obviously likes to watch you struggle, it gives him a kick to be in control of you. I know it will be hard after so long, but please run as quickly as you can away from this person. There are organisations that can help you if you can't get help from friends/family. Take care of yourself and remember, you are important, loved and needed in this world, but not by this asshole, he doesn't deserve you! 🩷
And it’s not an exaggeration or anything. That is not love.
Girl I just read through your previous posts. My question to you is...how much longer are you going to deal with this. It's obviously been going to for years and you've been questioning it for a long time.
I get that finances are tight. You may not be able to afford a home on your own. But get yourself in order and get away from this man.
He has not been treating you well for a very long time and you may not feel like it, but you 100% deserve better!!
Have you got a sister/friend/parents/extended family that you could go to while you get back on your feet?
Please value yourself enough to leave this man
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I mean it looks like OP gave specific ages in one post and rounded down in another post. Maybe she got smoke for the age gap in another post and didn’t want to deal with it again.
Girl, I think it's time to get a new roommate. The one you are currently housing with is defective. Why would you want to stay with somebody who treats you like this? Like, seriously, do you not like yourself? Do you have low self esteem? Has he convinced you that he's Jesus and you need to stay in this financially, abusive relationship so you can get into heaven one day? Like what is your logic behind staying with a man who nickels and dimes you into more debt than you created? He's not paying your bills, he's not providing you a free place to live. He apparently doesn't give a shit about you. You are his least favorite person. Yeah, you should get a new roommate cause your current one is a bum.
You said that so perfectly 👍🏼
NTA for not paying him cash. YTA for staying with him. He's a jerk that is treating you like crap. Dump him, don't give him a dime more, and find a real partner.
Why is he still your boyfriend? You’re NTA obviously. But if you hang around much longer you’re being TA to yourself.
Financially - groceries don't "count"? Fine - you owe him $12k, and he owes you $xxx whatever amounts to his portion of the groceries during this time period. If you generally shop on a credit card, you can look back at your cc statements and get an actual number for that time period. You'll be able to show the debts even out (or even that he's in debt to you). You probably won't be able to collect what he "owes" you but you should be clear of your debt even if he tries to collect legally. (I am not a lawyer).
Relationship wise - what are you doing with a man who doesn't respect you, doesn't care about your well-being, lies and manipulates you, and tries to squeeze you for every penny he can get away with while in a much better financial position?
is a sentence that should never be uttered in a healthy, respectful, loving relationship.
NTA, except to yourself if you remain in this situation.
You are being financially domestically abused. He is abusive and that isn't going to change.
NTA
I’d ask you to consider this relationship as a whole. He doesn’t seem to care for your well being if he watches you struggle every single month and seems perfectly fine with that. It’s been 5 years and I would think most partners would have let that go by now.
And you’re still together? Seriously?
NTA why are you still with this loser
His argument does not hold water. First of all it’s never mentioned by him. Also. You actually spent the money by buying groceries.
Another possible argument: if you had a time when u paid 50:50 then orient him with a bill for his half, and take away his 12000
By the way just for the accuracy. If you paid 28,000 this was for you and him. So you paid him above your share 14,000…
Just saying
NTA - you need to leave. Now.
My husband and I have been together for 20+ years. I will never claim we’re perfect and our financial management isn’t either BUT we have never had a ‘you owe me’ mentality.
There have been times when one of us is in school and working less than the other, during Covid he lost his job and I carried a lot of the weight, our incomes have been imbalanced in both directions - we’ve always just picked up the slack for the other and managed our household. That’s what a partnership does.
If he makes that much more than you his contribution to your household should be proportional.
If you make 20k and he makes 80k he should be paying 80% and you pay 20% or you both agree to put 25% of your income into a joint account for joint expenses - something that isn’t 50/50
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NTA. Tell him to take the money off what he owes you for groceries and outings for the two years
Why are you still with a liar, gaslighting dickhead who enjoys toying with you?
Make an itemized bill of everything you paid and ask for his share of it . Then hand over the cash after he pays. Simple. NTA Also after this is concluded give him his marching papers
NTA I am begging you to find some self respect and leave this asshole though.
OP, he’s already financially abusing you and you aren’t even married yet. What’s going to happen if you get married or have a kid and quit your job?
Fun fact: for the same reason you can’t prove he said groceries are a way to pay it back, he can’t prove there were any conditions to the money he gave you. Leave now and he almost certainly can’t make you pay back the money
He’s not your boyfriend. He’s your loan shark.
I bet there are no ages mentioned for a reason. My guess is 25 and 38.
NTA, it’s time to move on. The whole refusing holidays, like what?! Is he with his other family?
Post history says she is 40 and he is 50.
Why are you with this guy? I mean you both screwed up by not putting it in writing at the time but if he doesn’t trust you and treats you like this I fail to see why you wouldn’t have already said bye!
Why are you still putting up with his shit. Leave his ass already.
NTA why are you still with him? He's abusing you financially and emotionally. Leave him now. He doesn't love you he just loves controlling you.
Go through your accounts, add up those groceries. Then ask him to pay his share, in cash. Of course, you will consider removing the 12k he wants if that makes it easier for him. NTA
🚩🚩🚩 You are NTA. Leave the relationship and find someone who appreciates you
For the love of Mike, why are you even still with him?
NTA
This isn’t a boyfriend. This is a loan shark.
NTA
This man does not love you.
Move out and move on with your life.
NTA. But why do you spend your life with this person? Please respect yourself because he definitely has ne respect for you.
NTA but your relationship is over.
Provide him a tally of his share if groceries and ask him to pay for that and you will pay for back rent. Prepare for the separation.
Dumb men (I am one) are pissy and will create an issue "to die on" to end a relationship instead of having adult conversations.
NTA - lotta good responses but I'll reiterate that 1) this is financial abuse and b) this guy doesn't even like you please leave him
NTA: This guy does not love you. He thinks he bought you for 12k. Bill him his share and dump him.
ESH
So you owe him $12,000. He owes you $30,000. So minus your debt from the one that he owes you. Now, all that's left to pay is the $18,000 that he owes you. The fact that neither of you were very clear about repayments is a problem. And I am not sure why you would continue to overpay back your debt to almost triple the amount. Why nothing was in writing is super dumb. And you never discussed this in the past 2 years. Insert eyeroll here. You should both just walk away now.
Dump him ASAP!
Please don’t stay with someone who does this. My best friend married the guy who did this and had kids with him and let me tell ya…it gets worse. Financial abuse is real. ❤️
This is financial abuse and I fell for it, too. He used the loan and is still using it to forever have power over you. Run.
NTA Sorry to confirm that this is financial abuse.
You are struggling to overcompensate for “kindness” he wants you to be indebted to him while emotionally manipulating you.
It will hurt to accept but please understand that this is not the behaviour of someone who is capable of loving and caring for you.
You deserve better. Please start making plans if you haven’t already. Take care of yourself. 🫶🏼❤️🩹
Definitely NTA. And I fully agree with the others that have talked about toxicity and control, etc. one thing that came up in my mind though is the possibility that he is now struggling financially but can’t admit it. It is in no way an excuse for the behavior but might be an explanation.
He treats you like a FWB? Not his girlfriend. Pack up and don’t look back. He enjoys being superior to you. It boosts his arrogance. Sorry, he’s an ass. 😔
That guy hates you, OP. Please close your purse and your heart to that AH.
NTAH. Your cruel soon to be ex-boyfriend has been FINANCIALLY ABUSING and been fully aware of this. Please leave him asap. I'm so sorry that you experienced his.
He is COMPLETELY fucking you over—-and enjoying the show!! He’s got your mind bent alllllllllll the way around, probably talks circles when you try to make sense. When you are far far away from him you will look back and see what this is. But PLEASE do get away from this monster asap. He is delighting in your struggle girl 🤬🤬🤬
Fake post
Break up And leave . No repayment agreement in writing means it’s a gift
Tell him : ok then. For the next 2 years you are paying for 80-90% of our groceries and outing. After you complete that l will pay you $ 12.000 in cash.
Thats not your man. Get rid. NTA
He is hoping you break up with him. He wants out.
Seems to me you wouldn’t have a money problem if you didn’t have a dickhead boyfriend problem.
There’s no written loan contract here. Just walk away.
This is, in fact, financial abuse.
He's well off because he's making you pay for things that should be split fairly by guilt trip you and gaslighting.
This is not the person you want in your life.
Stop paying him and start saving for you. Get out of this relationship before he traps you even more financially.
You've known this is over for more than two years. Please please please go find happiness
Why are you calling him your "boyfriend" and not your "ex-boyfriend"?
Cut your losses and run. And do it when he least expects. Be sure to change your number, and stay with a friend or family member for a few days if possible. He will eventually destroy you, if you let him.
NTA - Send an invoice for all the groceries you’ve paid and than throw that man away, the gas lighting is strong in this one hahaha
Tell him to reimburse you for his share of the groceries, pay him his $12k from the excess and then tell him to jog on. NTA
He is financially abusing you …clear as day. You need to hand him an invoice with a total of all moneys you’ve spend on groceries and the shared activity, tell him he owes you 50% of that total and once he’s paid you in full, you’ll return his 12k. Then ask yourself do you want to spend your life with a partner who treats you with such disdain. Are you happy? Or are you anxious and worried. Ask yourself what you advise a total stranger if they asked you this question? NTA but please look long and hard at your situation.
Pay him back?? How many more signs do you need, you're never going to be anything less than in his debt forever. Unless you want this forever I'd say you're more than even and split. This sounds like financial abuse at minimum
YTA for staying with this ass of a boyfriend!
This man doesn't love you. Frankly, liking you is a stretch. I wouldn't do this to a random stranger, it is so incredibly mean.
You are being financially abused.
Your "boyfriend" is utterly repellant.
I mean - where is this going. You guys get married and have kids, he will presumably still keep all his money and just watch you try to juggle childcare costs with whatever you have now for income.
Seriously, please tell me this is rage bait, and consider my rage baited.
Simple. Tell him you will pay him the $12k in cash out of the $20k or so he owes you, once he pays you.
Hey OP, don’t forget the interest he is going to charge you for that loan. You need to charge him interest on his half of the past grocery bills. When he repays you for his half of the groceries (in cash), repay him for the rent, then get the hell out!!!!
When I made more than my partner by just 30% I adjusted our share of expenses so she paid proportionally. Being way better off than you financially and not accounting for it is shitty.
A person who cares about you will not sit idly by while you financially struggle.
NTA. Unless you stay with him. This asshole is using you for money while he has so much he doesn't sweat the day to day. Even if he did, he'd just have you pay his way.
Look at it like this.....
Aside from the financial abuse he's tortured you with for 2 YEARS, he's used the fact "you owe him," to not take care of you in any way. No birthday no holiday no stress for him right? Nothing but stress for you.
This relationship (if you can call it that) is unbalanced and untenable. He will never treat you equally or even kindly. After 2 years, this is who he is. Dump him and find a real partner.
You deserve better.
Question: are you aware that he hates you?
Be prepared for financial abuse the rest of your relationship with this douche canoe.
Break up
But no for real. Break up. If this man is that resentful and vindictive then good lord you are in for hell. Get rid of him.
Why are you still with him 🤔
For the record, he’s making it VERY clear, he does not see a future with you.
NTA but why are you with him? He doesn’t like you, he’s exploiting you….
I say this with love. Why the fuck are you still with this man?
I find this story a little absurd. But I will give people commenting below benefit of the doubt and consider it to be real. In which case:
WHY are you still with him? If he has been watching you struggle (and celebrated no special days) for YEARS while saying nothing, he clearly does not care about you. In fact, I will go a step further and say he must be enjoying watching you struggle. Which brings me to my original question. What makes you stay with someone like that?
Since your behavior changed after the loan in a form of you paying for most of shared expenses (and I'm assuming you didn't pay for all the things you mentioned before the loan) why does he think you started paying for all of it? Especially given the gap in financial comfort. If he didn't think this was a form of repayment, why did he think you were doing it? Why did he continue accepting it?
Present him with itemized receipts and ask him why he thinks you did all that if he didn't say it was an acceptable form of repayment. And if he insists, them make him pay his share of the bills and then give back 12K. Looks like you will be left with A LOT of money. And once this is done (whatever the outcome) if you continue to date him, you are asking for treatment you are getting. Based on your writing, he cannot make any clearer that he does not care about you. I know the last part is harsh, but looks like you need to "hear" it.
Send him an invoice for every penny you spent on him, and then dump his toxic ass. He is financially abusing you. He stood there and watched you struggle and create more debt and now he’s claiming you still owe him $12,000? Fuck him sideways with a cactus
You’re in an abusive relationship
Bill him for his half of what you covered and then dumb him fast. He is the worst. Someone who loves you, wants your best would never cancel your insurance, would never go into a rage with you because of a disagreement. Move on with your life and look for someone who will be good to you.
leave him to please 😭 the bank would’ve been nicer in the end
Why are you with him?
Nta. He doesn’t like you. Dump him.
This is called financial abuse. He is an abuser.
The BF values money more than anything. Including you. He weaponizes his money as a power play. You will never, never, never, ever have a relationship with this narcissist where you are considered an equal.
Why are you still with him????
Why are you still with him??
You know what’s priceless? Peace of mind. Dump the MF.
Your math isnt exactly mathing BTW.
Let's assume everything is correct and you paid about 80% of your monthly grocery bill. That leaves his remaining portion that you paid 30% of the $800 or $240/month. Then the other thing you normally do each month that averages $600/month and his half of that is $300/month.
Meaning you were paying him back approximately $540/month. Over 24 months that works out to a little under $13k. Thats not double or triple what you owed, its not even 10% more. Now if this was an arrangement that was worked out ok then it would seem your debt is cleared. If he insists on getting paid back in cash you can ask for repayment of what you paid for his portion that you were covering. The issue would be you may need receipts to prove what was paid to add it all up, not just say averages. However, if nothing was ever put in writing either way its all moot, and you guys just need to go your separate ways and be done.
Do you have debit or credit card records showing you paid for groceries and how much? If so, tell him no judge in the world is going to agree that you still owe him money. He has no proof that you agreed to a cash-only deal, and even if he did, you can show you more than repaid the loan through purchases, which would convince a judge.
Cut your losses and get out. He can't hold you to an agreement you never made, whereas you can show any court that you more than paid him back.
NTA/
NTA BUT YTA for staying with someone like this. Usually id be pointing out to people that they immediately resort to seperation but this person is clearly trying to manipulate you and using money to do it. Also man should always a man of his word and if you can't keep it then they are straight trash
Wow you are together since such a long time and he treats you this way? I merged my finances after 3 years of being together with my now husband. Not everyone should do the same obviously but gaslighting, financial fraud and generally toxic behavior is a clear no. Dump him and don’t give him any extra cent. Maybe before doing that collect evidence that you did covered groceries a etc like get in writing him admitting that you did pay all of that but it does not count
Do not sleep with this man
NTA. He is not a good partner. I would say on the edge of financially abusive. Definitely abusive in how he blows up at you during fights. I think it’s time to let this debt, and the dude, go.
Why tf are you with him?
YTA to yourself for putting up with this.
NTA but why are you with this guy? No birthdays or Christmas? He responds with rage instead of having a conversation like most adults do? It sounds like he’s using the loan to control you and manipulate you. You deserve better. Stop tolerating his bullshit.
He’s IMO a controlling narcissist. Leave now.
You need to leave - debt repaid. Over
Why are you still with him ? He is clearly a dick .
It will literally never cease to amaze me that women willingly sit in situations like this thinking it’s acceptable. Leave him.
ETA: you’re way too old to be dealing with little boy shit from a grown ass grandpa. Lady, L E A V E H I M!
You shouldn't even be still with him at this point. Girl, run! YTA is you stay with him
Edit for missing word
Damn.
Your bf is a douche. Why are you still with him?
NTA. Why the fuck are you with him? Why are you tolerating this? He’s not a good person. This is so incredibly toxic.
YTA for still calling him your boyfriend.
Tell him to get lost and honestly leave. No use in sticking around for that loser.
NTA
Am also trying to understand the math a bit.
you owed 12.000
you started paying back while taking on a larger portion of the groceries?
over time your total grocery cost has been almost 30.000, instead of?
how did you divide the other household costs? Rent, electricity etc?
how’s the division on your incomes? Are you doing 50/50, something else?
But really, there are a couple of things here that is concerning mainly how he speaks to you, not with you. And secondly how you felt there was an agreement while he did not. Have none of you addressed it since?
The communication between the two of you does not seem to be functioning. Or is this a weird one#off example?
If you can talk to a friend about the relationship overall, and consider what you would advise tha5 friends if the situation was reversed.
NTA this is straight up Financial Abuse. You are in an abusive relationship with a manipulative piece of shit. If there is no documentation of the agreement tell him to f right off.
How come you didn't stop paying for it all when you hit 12k?
Time to get him to back pay you 50% of every grocery run youve done, give him the difference in the total owing and what youve given him in cash.
Tap out of the relationship. If you choose to stay, and you wind up pregnant, get a contract written up regarding payments towards you for carrying his child, birth, medical costs and an amount of child support each week that you are off from work, taking care of this child.
NTA. As you pointed out you were drowning financially while doing this and he saw that you were drowning. He didn't try to lend you a hand, instead he just stood there having a good time watching you drown.
Now he feels that he hasn't taken advantage of you enough, he wants you to keep drowning, so he demands even more money from you? He also treats you awfully during holidays and such with the excuse that you still owe him money?
Why the heck are you still with some who treats you like that for years? Leave this toxic asshole.
Tell him how much he owes you then for the past two years. Once he does that, then you'll pay him back. But the sounds of it, he will end up owing you. And then kick him to the curb. You'd be an asshole to yourself if you stayed
Get gone asap.
He is financially abusing you. Read that again if needed.
Read what you wrote from the perspective of a friend/family member. What would you tell them? OP you already know the answer lol, you willing to do this dance with him another 2 yrs? See all like me if he kept this shit up I’d be petty and take him to small claims court.
I've been there!!! Albeit with a smaller sum. Took me two years, I worked a minimum wage part time job on top of studying to be able to stay afloat and keep chipping away at the debt (thankfully back then the UK student loans could actually cover a good chunk of living expenses). He was earning a starting salary that's still double what I earn now 7 years on and at the time would have put him in the top 10% of earners nationwide, was drawing a university stipend and charging consultancy fees for a separate job where he pretended to work.
He would argue with me because he'd buy me a coffee every so often and whinge about me not doing my part when I couldn't afford to buy him one back. He'd also turn up at my flat and expect me to serve him up a home cooked meal once or twice per day- I reckon he hardly had to buy any groceries himself for months. If I went to his place, I'd often cook for us, and turn up with a bag of groceries I bought on the way. He'd also constantly question whether I was lying about how much I'd paid him back. If we went out to eat, he'd try to tell me it was my turn to pay every single time (this wouldn't count towards the debt).
A few months into repaying I got suspicious and started keeping track of every single pound I repaid him, not counting groceries and the like, in a shared document that he couldn't edit. The day before I dumped him I put the last £15 + some change on his desk with a note, because he'd spent the whole day in bed refusing to do anything when I'd gone out my way to visit him in a different city for the weekend. The night before he'd kept me waiting for hours outside of his work after his shift finished because he was still "finishing up". I had nowhere else to go and couldn't afford a hotel.
The kicker? Most of the debt was for some very expensive flights to go to the other side of the world to meet his family, that I knew I couldn't afford and so didn't want to go. He assured me it was very important for him, so he'd cover the flights, and I wouldn't have to pay him back. Mid way through the trip he told me he didn't feel like paying for me any more. I tried to dump him a few weeks later after we'd got back when he gave me the silent treatment during a grocery trip after weeks of him being moody with me. Somehow I allowed myself to be gaslit into taking him back AND paying back those flights, in some kind of a stupid attempt to put myself on equal footing in the relationship. Eventually he plain "forgot" ever promising to pay for them himself. I thought I could help him change heheh.
I can understand the mental trap of not wanting to be the bad guy who leaves before you finish repaying your debt. I'm guilty of doing just that. But you had an agreement that he's conveniently forgotten after living off of your hard work and struggle for years. You know damn well that you've more than repaid him monetarily at this point, plus a huge gift of your emotional energy on top. Life gets so much jollier and lighter without dating a parasite. He won't change for you. He's fine with being a parasite. Dump him. I'm married to a lovely man now- we have great financial trust in each other, it's a wonderful thing to have.
NTA
NTA. Ask to borrow another 12k and bounce.
just remember half the groceries were for you
This man hates you. No man who loves you would allow you to struggle to pay him back. If it was a shared obligation, a man who loves you would take a second job sooner than allow you to struggle so much.
"He also refuses to celebrate any holidays with me. No birthday. No Christmas. No gifts."
Why in the everloving fuck are you with this guy?
Leave. Not tomorrow. Not after Christmas.
Leave right fucking now.
Question, why are you dating this horrid person? This is AWFUL.
This relationship is at best doomed to fail, and at worst extremely toxic on his behalf.
The fact that he doesn't even struggle financially but will drag you down and trap you in the relationship behind a debt he will never admit to being paid off just screams financial manipulation and control
Forget about the repayment, why are you still with him? This guy treats you like trash.
Go over the bills and bill your (hopefully ex-)boyfriend for the extra groceries you covered.
Why are you staying in this relationship?