I see in many places how people with adhd saying they are very independent? But I always wonder how so, as many adhders forget to pay bills, zone out in meetings, forget about appointments, struggle to do boring mundane day to day tasks, struggle with self care tasks?
Please tell me your secret to independence.
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There are degrees of this disorder. I have no issues being completely independent; I live alone, and while I may ache with loneliness sometimes, I also know I wouldn't have it any other way. I pay my bills, but never on time. I never forget appointments. I do not mind the mundane, I like housework, when I am in the mood for housework. However I suffer from time blindness big time, and can often spend an entire weekend doing only bits of everything and getting nothing finished. OR I can get in the zone and nothing will stop me from finishing; like one day I painted my entire garden wall. And its a big fucking wall. Was outside til near dark and this was in August. My biggest issue is the emotional dysregulation, and yes, executive dysfunction is an issue at times, but not always.
Yeah there's not a lot of outward facing differences between routinely paying bills you got the money in your account for late when you pay 2-3 months at a time because you responded to the urgency of a disconnection notice vs paying everything on time.
Well that and automation. If you're consistently paid bi-monthly vs bi-weekly you can just setup automatic payments for most recurring things.
I have small or large clocks in every room including bathrooms and the kitchen and living rooms
Me too and they run slightly fast
Same! And they are all set 10 mins ahead.
I’m sorry I laughed but the way you wrote painting your whole garden wall made me chuckle.
Once I went on an entire organizing spree (all because I couldn’t find some baking soda) and cleaned out my entire pantry until like 2am? Didn’t find the baking soda but I AM grateful for the organized pantry!
I’ve been thinking about buying a label maker because I forget the organizational systems I set up once I walk away and then end up just shoving/piling things around.
I agree 100% with this as a fellow adhder who lives alone. The best solution I’ve found to paying bills on time is making a list of all my recurring bills and paying all of them within the last week/first week of every month. Now unless I’m travelling somewhere or in the middle of something very unusual which doesn’t happen that often especially throughout the timeframe I mentioned, it’s become a habit to pull up my list and pay all of them.
I do something similar.
It took a lot if effort, and a conflict in a relationship, but I put together a spreadsheet with a list if all my bills and other financial obligations, and another one with formulas set up to track different categories of expenses, and I was able to get myself into the habit of taking an hour or two every payday to go down the list, pay all the bills, and then go to my banking website and copy the transactions over so I can see where my money went.
I can't do autopsy, because if I don't pay the bills manually, I will forget about them and spend the money before they cone out. I've tried having my check direct deposited into two separate accounts, one for bills and one for spending, but I always end up spending from the bills account or paying bills late from the spending account.
This way, I know that my bills are paid and I know that the money I have in my account for the next two weeks can safely be spent on other things without putting me in the position of being 3 months behind on everything and struggling to keep food in the fridge because all of my money has to go to catching up.
Love to see this spreadsheet
Most things, I can do by myself and can get them done a whole lot faster without waiting around for anyone else. I can also figure out how to do just about anything, but listening to an explanation of something without zoning out is unlikely.
There's not usually a ton of help available for things like paying bills etc., plus asking for help with the things that I struggle with is just going to call attention to the fact that I'm struggling with them.
I feel like part of being independent for me was about doing stuff my way. One example that stands out: vegetables in my fridge are on the eye-level shelf and there are only four of them. I buy the ones I eat, no one can make me eat anything else, and they go where I can find them again. I could never make the fridge work for me until I was living by myself, no one else was buying food but me, and the food was exactly the stuff I am willing to eat with no additional complications or roadblocks. Sometimes, roadblocks look a whole lot like other people with habits utterly contrary to how my brain works.
pleased to hear this, I’d like to move out but I am always told ‘you’re not ready you wouldn’t manage’ and I think no I’d actually excel on my own
I do well when it’s all up to me and any mess/disorganization is a reflection of ME. When there are no potential excuses, ya know ?
One of the greatest advantages to living on your own is you can set your own rules around routine. My place frequently gets cluttered, but I'm okay with it, and I only really address it before people come over, at which point I have a built-in deadline to get it done. I eat when I want, sleep when I want, and live mostly judgement-free, which is a big part of handling the mental health aspects of the condition.
Biggest downside is that sometimes my sleep schedule becomes completely detached from reality due to not having any kind of mediating factors (ie, other people) present and I can have some very tired mornings at work, but I work from home so it's not a huge issue given I get everything done on time.
For me, this was a big deal. I eat when I'm hungry... If I don't have spoons for normal plates and use a paper plate, no one judges me about it. And so, I get to save a bunch of spoons to do what I need to.
As long as you think you need permission, you're not ready. Keeping family in the loop is not the same with your decisions depending on their opinions.
Married. I would absolutely struggle with a lot of things on my own.
On the other hand, a lot of things would be so much easier.
You'll learn over time what falls in which category. Along the way, you're going to fail at some things.
Honestly with youtube and the internet you can figure most things out. Automate what you can(and have a checklist to follow up to double check!).
For organization of many things like say, the fridge, I have a system that works for me. I like everything to be visible at a glance. 4 cartons of eggs? Stacked. If they don't fit, stack as high as I can against the side wall of the fridge and any cartons that don't fit go right next to the stack. Organized by expiry so soonest to expire is on top when I'm putting them in. If that means half the shelf is coming out to accomidate, that's what I'm doing when the food is getting put away. Blocks of cheese? Stacked. Bacon? On top of the eggs, chances are I'm using them together.
If anything is blocked from view it doesn't exist and won't be found until its expired and I feel the need to clean out the fridge.
Drives my family nuts.
Frrrr I have such a hard time doing anything if I cant do it the way I want to
I'm independent in the sense I'd rather die than ask for help or inconvenience anyone in any way lmao
Hahahaha
This!!! I blame childhood trauma and my anxiety
Wow, this hits too close. There was a time in my youth where I was almost homeless, and I was seriously considering facing that over asking my family for help..
Honestly being in poverty and unable / not having anyone to help is so so awful.
Yea, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I think it was just a moment that showed me how skewed my perception can be sometimes.
Same here. I was lucky in that one of my best friends, whom I'd known since kindergarten and had been diagnosed with ADHD-H (just called ADHD at the time), had extremely kind and generous parents. I ended up sleeping on their couch at least a couple of times in my 20s. They put me up when I got evicted from my apartment, and also when a sublet I'd planned to move into fell through. Fed me and housed me on the condition that I was going to college, which was my motivator for moving back to the area in the first place.
I hadn't been diagnosed (primarily inattentive) yet, but it's no wonder that they understood me so well.
It was so hard to ask for help the first time, but easier than asking my parents, and the second time, they just offered. I feel so lucky and so grateful for their generosity and kindness. My 20s were hard, but they coukd have a whole lot harder if not for them.
Me too, is it ADHD related or just a personality trait.
I'm honestly not sure lol I just know I've been anxious since I was born
I feel this. Even though I do need help, I always feel like I have failed when I have to ask for it. I'm far too stubborn for my own good.
Necessity
And fear
White- knuckling it.
It’s sink (go homeless) or swim for lot of people. No other choice.
Medication and years of coping strategies
I was diagnosed at 16 in the mid-80’s. No one ever told me what it really meant other than I would suffer “difficulties with attention and focus”. I guess I was lucky (?) to be GenX, as pretty much everyone else my age was dealing with being left to their own devices. It certainly helped me develop many coping strategies (both good and bad) that got me through a lot of challenges. The medication (first Ritalin then Adderall) certainly helped a great deal as well.
Anxiety I suppose.
I don't forget to pay bills because once I get it, I think about it 24/7
I'm not late for appointments because I'm worried about getting lost, the uber coming late, the bus coming late, putting in the wrong address. So I get there an hour early in case I need time to fix complications.
I'm not late for work because I'm a manager and people rely on me being there on time. I need to be there so other's can begin their days.
I don't forget things my roommate asks me to pick up while I'm at work because I don't want to be disappointing.
And then where I fall behind is the small, personal things. I'll skip a shower, not cook dinner, leaving wet laundry in the machine overnight because I didn't put it out right away, take out the bin but not put in a new bin bag.
Yup, this is why I was convinced for so many years that I couldn't have ADHD. Even when I try to be casually late, I arrive exactly on time. I get to my train at least 5-10 minutes ahead of time or I'd be DYING that I'd miss it. I don't have unopened mail, unpaid bills, or unwashed dishes. But I most definitely feel I have (undiagnosed) ADHD now that I see it so plainly in my two young kids.
I was the same! I'd always managed just fine. My breaking point was a promotion at work that removed a lot of oversight and accountability on my end and it just obliterated 25 years of coping mechanisms I hadn't even known I had in 6 months flat.
And it was only while venting to my supervisor one day (who was diagnosed ADHD and had a background in psychology studies) and she very gently was like......... ummmm I think you should look into ADHD.
And then I was 30 before I finally reached the point where I decided just managing wasn't good enough anymore and sought an official diagnosis.
Ofta, the managing isn't good enough! Mine was that I managed ok through school and early in my career but the brute force it took was insane and I didn't know it until my little one was born...
I just now got diagnosed in my upper 30's because I was so exhausted I couldn't do anything after work or on the weekend. I kept being told that it was just stress, finally years after my husband had gotten his diagnosis and my bonus son got his and hubs had been pushing me to talk to someone, I finally hit a breaking point, saw a psychiatrist with an ADHD specialty... low and behold, ADHD and anxiety.
Ooooof yeah, having children really seems to be one of the top 2 major catalysts for ADHD. It really seems to ignite the "fuck, this CAN'T be this hard for everyone else??" Thoughts.
Me too. I got to the point where I just couldn't stop thinking; I wonder who I could be if everything wasn't so hard ALL the time? What's my potential if I'm not having to work at 150% just to make to other people's average? (Or often, below average)
Oh yeah. This hits the nail on the head.
Being way too early for stuff is also time blindness. And yes I am also one of those people and it also took me forever to realise that 😅
This is all so familiar. I often think how much spare brain I'd have if I didn't have to spend all of it worrying about getting daily life right 🫤
I'm here to attest. Went from being a small cog in a big wheel to teaching at a university. Used to be chronically tardy, but became the guy that was there early setting up the whiteboard and the classroom, talking with the early arrivers, getting my teaching points lined up. The transformation was overnight.
this is me. i get ready hours before i need to be somewhere and leave so early to account for every possible thing that could go wrong.
I was exactly the same then I started working on it and now my ADHD symptoms are at their worst cause I have less social barriers (?) now lol but I'm learning to cope with it if it means feeling less depressed and stressed.
35% Autopay
10% coping systems
55% desperately hiding the duct-taped, absolutely messed up shit I constantly miss out of a great fear that people will reject me if they knew how terrible at life I actually am
note: by most measurable, objective KPIs, I am actually not terrible at life. I still believe I’m just keeping the con going.
This ☝🏾 Thank God for autopay! I’ve paid a LOT of Stupidity Tax over the years. I also take advantage of the hyper fixation wave when it hits, then overdo it (impulsively paying all the bills at once, leaving too little to cover an overdue parking ticket that I’ve been meaning to pay for months - hoping to avoid another bench warrant IYKYK) BUT at least I get things done! Yep, keep the con going!
Soooooo much adhd/stupidity tax. So much.
Oh yes. This sums up how I manage as well. Just keep swimming. Sometimes you backtrack, run into stuff, and break things but eventually you move past it. Oh. And owe late fees.
Anxiety. Trying to figure out how to do it without though
I live alone. I religiously use alarms and calendar reminders + sticky notes for EVERYTHING. With other stuff, I just get by. I've figured out a few "life hacks" here and there to make awful tasks easier.
Like inviting someone over so I would clean.
Or finding something I enjoy about a task and then gaslighting myself to enjoy all of this task (I somehow like doing laundry?).
Putting on music helps me get stuff done, too.
Making things exciting helps too. Or gameifying my life - today I got 2 main quests done and 3 side quests done and I folded my laundry in record time!
But mostly, I just live by the "doing something is better than nothing" principle. That also helps with self care (if i dont wanna shower, I'll just take clothes off in the bathroom and then I might just think, "ehhh, might as well have a shower".
Trying to beat the clock is my move. I sometimes don't feel like doing my dishes, but I know if I add more dirty dishes on top it'll feel so overwhelming. I look in the sink and it's not that bad: one pan, one spatula, one set of utensils, a plate and mug from breakfast and I say "ok 5 minutes or less! Let's go!", and just do it. It works!
the sink looks full, guess I better do it before I forget.
Oh, it was literally 4 items, just stacked stupid so it looked like a lot more.
Yay to small wins.
I have not been independent, but believe could have been. I think that organization and task initiation and disruption to prolonged concerntration or attention had a big impact. All of that lies within the adhd spectrum so i also am suprised how many adhd people are independent at the same time. Sorry don't have an answer but recently just told myself to 'refuse' things as opposed to 'i should do this' or 'i must be this kind of person'. And altho only tried this for three months or around that, it is the first thing that is slowly but definately working to at least a significant level, in relation to independence :)
I just have this drive that I need to be self sufficient. I was always very interested in things that none of my friends or family could help with, so I would just hyperfocus and figure it out myself.
I pay a lot of ADHD tax on late fees etc lost appointment etc
Others bother me and slow me down (over exaggerated by my adhd ofcourse)
For those things I rely on 2 factors: medication, and routine.
If I'm not medicated and/or my routine has fallen apart, I need help with all of those things.
Routine is the most challenging one for me. What helps most in that regard is having a job with a consistent schedule (weekdays 9-5 in my case) and having pets to take care of, especially the cats since they actively give me reminders for many of their needs.
Maybe think of the hyper independency and self-sufficiency as trauma response. Then it makes way more sense.
If you had to manage on your own your entire life, it’s no wonder that you perpetuate that pattern in the adulthood.
Many of us, me included, used this as a badge of honour. I definitely did. Until I saw it for what it was. A protection mechanism - cause how can anyone ever reject me if I don’t even reach out?
If you were punished as a child for having needs, we learn to turn that down. Shut it off completely. If you get shamed and made wrong for being you, and basically being human, we learn to switch it off.
Independence and self sufficiency are trauma responses. We are humans and were still herd animals. We still need each other. Our nervous systems NEED each other. And none of us came here to do it all alone.
Bills on auto, i use recordings for meetings and take notes and recap at the end. For appointments, text reminders and phone alarms.
For day to day tasks, I do tasks in a momentum/waterfall fashion. Easiest/fastest to complete first, then roll to the next. Building up that mental momentum until I finish everything.
Self care tasks - i just drag myself through em tbh
Not having people use my special spoon or move stuff from where I left it last is worth the added stress of having to manage everything independently IMO
Years of stress and learning how to cope and do enough to keep a job? I don't have an alternative but to depend on myself and my independence, so that's pretty motivating unless I wanna live on the street.
Medication and YEARS of developing systems and things that work for me. Every one of my bills has an alarm on the calendar on my phone that I don't turn off until the bill is paid (easiest mistake people make with the alarm is thinking it did its job reminding you, so you turn it off only to instantly forget again). I low-jacked my entire life. My keys, wallet, work bag...even my car and my TV remote have trackers on them.
I've been working through these things for years 30 years, and while fully functional and independent now, it wasn't always that way. Even with all my systems and learnings, if I go off medication, things start falling through the cracks fast.
I set up systems, honestly, just like anyone else. Life is too complicated anyway to live it just relying on your own memory to do everything. But also this disorder has degrees.
Systems meaning: I leave mail in a big obvious place until I open it, because putting it somewhere hidden & clean-looking means I'll forget it. I don't get bills in the mail anyway because it's 2025 and I can set them up on auto pay instead, which I do the first time I get one or when setting up a new account. Sometimes auto pay means a risk of overdraft so I have low balance reminders on my checking accounts so if I don't have enough in my checking account to pay my rent I can transfer money from another account. (These are all alerts so I don't have to "remember" them, I just do them when they show up.)
But the disorder has degrees like... As long as I've got enough going on in my life to give me plenty of stimulation, I don't have problems with things like getting out of bed - I mean I do but it's to the tune of "ten minutes late" not "four hours late" so it's fine. I don't clean every day or in a way Good Housekeeping would approve of, but I clean when it starts to annoy me, so it's fine. I zone out in meetings if I don't have anything to do so I take detailed notes, clarify the action items at the end as useful cover for whatever I missed, and send them out afterwards and everyone "appreciates my leadership". I know a lot of other folks with a disorder also called ADHD that goes a whoooole lot farther than that.
I grew up not knowing I had ADHD so I had to figure it out. I relied heavily on schedules. Before we had phones to do everything I’d make folder’s for specific things. Always used planners, still do. I have to write everything down or it didn’t happen.
Calendars are a must. I have three. I check them constantly.
Bills: I’d figure out what portion I needed to take out of every check and get money orders for them in specific amounts and whatever was left over was mine. Now I do the same thing but I have a bill pay savings account that my bill money goes into immediately.
Seasonal purge: I pack my clothes up by the season because I don’t have room for both. I heavily go through and get rid of things I forgot existed. It’s a big eye opener to not buy things on impulse. I made a rule not to buy anything I see on apps. It’s helped me a lot.
When you raise yourself because your parents won't, you learn to manage.
Have no choice. Who’s gonna look after us if I don’t? No one.
I'm extremely independent and take care/pay for everything in my house.
Bills: everything is auto draft or I get notifications. If it's a notification I pay it right away or schedule a reminder right then
Appts: As soon as I get the time/date... Location is my hard part when there is multiple offices.
Notes: On my way to work I use speech to text to make notes of what I need to do and buy. I nonstop go over things I need to do at work, I'm so scared I'm going to forget something I never stop making lists in my head.
My biggest issue is I can't not allow myself to fail at anything I do. It has to be the best and if I'm not I will study until I am the best at whatever I'm doing.
It is super stressful, I'm annoyed at others not like that but I keep it all inside. My point it, to do it all looks great but I'm a complete wreck inside.
Masking, and ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’. Personally I was fully ignorant to my ADHD until my life got way too much when kids came, and along with them burnout and surging depression.
I usually forget who I am accountable to, so that helps.
That's cuz you bigtime
I don’t have special tips i jus force myself n use meds to cope
It could never have worked without medication. Thank God for virtual psychiatry.
I want to be able to do everything by myself so I won't appear like a "failure" who needs help with "simple" things.
Unfortunately I'm terrible at it, so I just suffer silently rather than asking for help. Yes, I'm independent, but the other night I did 1,5 month's worth of dishes.
I think I strive for independence. My actions say otherwise
First off, everyone is a bit different - these are systems/ways i've found to help support myself
end of the day - no one else is coming to save me, I am responsible for myself and try to do my best, independence wasnt exactly chosen by me per se - side effect of being a parentified eldest of 3
1) I used to use rocket but now I use my calendar and keep notes to keep up with my bills, subs and stuff like that with amount + day number / m for "per month" cuz ya know it's the same day every month. It helps remind me!
2) I did the same with my bills for my appointments. I also used Samsung reminder and put a star in it. It also adds automatically to my calendar. I also added each doctor's phone and fax in case I need to physically do referrals when their lazy asses WON'T, and I also added who prescribed me what so I can write in the prescription section of any paperwork whether I got a new doctor or pre-op paperwork. Lordy do I hate paperwork why does it exist??? Is this hell? Are we being tortured?
3) I struggle with tasks every day even now I do as I'm procrastinating texting you lmao gotta love it 🥴. I do a task that my brain and spine PREFERS. It decides everything I do. When my spine tingles when I give it two choices of: dishes or trash, and it'll tingle when my brain thinks of a task and I do that. And I repeat this process. (But I have spinal rods so this doesn't work for everyone. I'm probably in the "rare" that has this experience 😭) My mom who's severely ADHD like myself write chores down and crumble them up each, and throw them in a hat like it's white elephant gifting. Pull a chore out, do them, then pull another out, do those too so in and so forth.
4) with self care my daddy taught me this: you're pretty and you deserve to feel good and look good. You deserve to show yourself off to the world like you're the queen/king. You deserve to take care of yourself, dress in pretty clothes and bathe in pretty soaps. Don't let yourself go. Tell yourself in the mirror every morning at potty time: "I'm sexy, I'm beautiful, I'm hot, and I deserve to be happy like everyone else. I deserve my life and independence. I shouldn't allow anyone to take things from me including my happiness. Things may be out of my control but my emotions are mine. I have a choice on how to react. I am sexy, I am beautiful, I am hot and I deserve happiness too!" I did this for years, I no longer feel self pity, self depreciation, and I don't feel self conscious in my looks and not even my visible physical and deformed disabilities! 😎 I'm sexy and I know it! We all are and we should embrace our beautiful self. When you start to repeat something your brain begins to believe it. It's why telling myself I'm sexy, hot and beautiful and I deserve happiness helped me. My brain believed me even with my insecurities with my physical limitations and the ableism I always experience every day! It didn't matter because my brain said BE HAPPY YOU'RE HOT AND SEXY 💋
I don't work so I won't comment on meetings. Well actually I do have meetings with my doctors. I shake my foot like my gran does, it helps. As long as I don't make any noises with it , accidentally hitting the doctor bed or chair. Very distracting to them. Sometimes I'll twiddle my fingers, or feel my favorite jacket's fabric because of my habit of feeling my bunny lovie's fabric at home. It helps me from picking on my finger nails and cuticles (and my GOD do I wish I don't have them.... I HATE THEM!! 😭 Why can't I live without nails?! PLEASE!! I hate them!! 😩)
Systems. I have spent my whole life building systems to keep me on track. I was just diagnosed a few years ago (I’m 53 now) so I didn’t even know I was doing anything weird.
I’ve found systems that work with the unique way my brain operates. I barely adulted for so long but my ADHD husband and I learned to cover each other’s weaknesses.
I finally was diagnosed and able to get proper therapy and medication a few years ago and that really changed my life.
I’m independent but pay the ADHD tax quite often.
I’ve had to find a way to take care of myself since I was a young child. I didn’t have a choice. Now, I take care of everybody.
Childhood neglect and a narcissistic parent led to an OCPD comorbidity that sort of compensates, but I'm miserable a lot of the time.
Because there's no other choice but to be independent? It isn't easy! Many mistakes are made. A lot of begging is involved. I ask for exceptions and deadline extensions constantly. I care about things a lot and want to be successful and 75% of the time people will see that and cut me a break. It's very stressful though!!
Luckily I've done well with my career and have sufficient income to deal with my ADHD tax (late fees). So many fees. Auto pay is a God send.
Also, I've realized some missed bills just... Disappear. Without consequences, so I stopped beating myself up about it. What's the worst that can happen? I lived in Florida for 5 years and racked up a decent amount of tolls, which I never paid. I moved away and haven't heard anything. I have a few examples like this. Small medical bills that are forgotten also seem to disappear. No idea but I have a good credit score and have successfully financed a house and new car, so accumulating a trail of unpaid bills isn't that damning 🤷🏻♀️
I have somehow done well in my career despite not being punctual. I'm 5-15 min late for meetings an embarrassing amount of times. I have also just totally forgot to attend a meeting due to it being early and me being unaware or being too absorbed in my work. It's pretty bad!! I guess the rest of my job performance is good haha.
Nowadays my husband has jumped in to keep me legal and in order, at least, but before I would just drive for periods of time with expired registration and/,or insurance.
I've lived on my own since age 18 and always been independent. I started out buying a ledger and a calendar. I have kept a new calendar on my refrigerator continuously. I write on it and in my ledger everyday. Habit. I have learned over the years it's the easiest way to pay bills, buy groceries, and live independently.
You just keep doing it. I was not diagnosed till I was 40. I also didn’t really care what other people thought of me. I’m sure I was gross and loud and not pleasant to some people and lost a lot of friends but in the end.
Just try. It’s hard but everything is hard just be stubborn and don’t give up on yourself. Practice and focus on routine till it becomes unconscious. Create routines within routines- brushing your teeth gets you out of bed- which then pop your adderall which gets you to food and breakfast and the gym and it helps regulate your day.and started the work day.
Stay off your phone/social media unless it builds helpful Scheudling and positive routine enforcement.
Necessity, turns out you can be somewhat chaotically independent while fucking some of that stuff up if you don't have a better alternative. That said things like direct debits (automatic payment) for bills are actually really helpful
Literally just try really hard. Don't define yourself as someone with ADHD, don't use it as an excuse. Find tools that work for you.
Whilst we may be forgetful, we are also resourceful. It's a balance. Independence doesn't necessarily entirely independence. Could be emotionally. Financially. Etc
I majorly overcompensate with 17541 reminders, alarms, and lists. I appear to like I’ve got my shit together most of the time. But I don’t. Im so internally dysregulated and just out here trying to survive each day
I just suck at everything. There's nobody to help me. I don't open envelopes, rarely answer the phone. I have to enter appointments into my Google calendar immediately or they are completely forgotten. I owe money to doctors, I have unpaid toll bills. (In fact, I stopped taking toll roads even though it usually takes longer because I am so bad about paying them.)
I think it shows up different in everybody, People do not navigate ADHD in the same way, because of cognitive capacity, belief systems, environment, support etc etc
Before I met my husband I was doing really good (and still am but some things are a bit different ofcourse ;-)). Systems are in place, not routines, but systems can fail and overload, until I can press reset or repair it.
Some of my systems
Bills are paid automatically. If I have to do it manually it will be late so all is set.
Self-care is self-love to me now-a-days, except for brushing teeth unfortunately. That is a disaster. Also stripped everything to the basics. So as a woman I don't do my nails, I don't care about make-up and also have a one product skincare that I do when I take my meds. Hair gets washed twice a week and I don't blow dry it unless we have an evening out.
Taking meds (except for ADHD meds) are always done in the evening they are in the bathroom, where I go to pee before bed
I allow myself a lot of grace nobody is perfect, and nobody cares if I eat dry couscous for dinner because I didn't get myself to cook. (Now my husband will cook when I can't get myself to do it)
Before I was self employed I did zoom out in meetings. BUT there is always a mail follow up with what was said and has to be done. When I still worked in corporate I did my tasks sometimes literally crying out of frustration and me fighting with myself.
So now I am self employed.I have a 10 day time span every month in which I can do the most dreaded stuff (admin and answering mails) I love my job as a personal trainer en health specialist.
Being self employed has made it so that I don't have a set schedule which makes every week for my feeling different and I thrive on that perceived chaos
And I have a huge anxiety about getting somewhere late so I show up early (not a system but usefull)
There is a lot more, but well depending on the person is the main answer ;-)
my ex used to pay bills as soon as they came in, way before they were due. I add bills to a calendar and know when they are due. I check the calendar. I also doublecheck all my recurring bills occasionally
the impending doom of crippling debt motivates me
I don’t have any other choice
I find in a lot of ways it's easier to be independent and living alone because I have no one else's standards to live up to. I can get through life in my own quirky way, with disasters that no one except me and my cat need to know about 😅. Tbh I found it harder to manage when living with a non-adhd partner who had very specific ideas about how things would be done etc
My secret is my independence was dumped on me at a young age, oldest girl. Dad always gone working (sometimes gone for months or years) and my mother was an undiagnosed audhd, who was very neglectful and strict, as well as being a delusional Mormon. I didn't fit in with Mormons.
The burn out is real.
Same, eldest daughter from a baptist family. Dad was mostly gone at work, mom didn't wanna parent and was abusive, so I had no choice but to parent myself and my younger sister, and emotionally parent my parents. I burned out at 24, life hasn't been the same since. I did stop doing things for everyone else, they can fix their own issues or suffer the consequences. 🤷♀️ Some of us had no choice but to become hyper independent in our family. It's either that or starve/freeze/etc to death at a young age. It's sad that others here dismiss independent ADHDers and think we got lucky and everyone else does things for us that we apparently are too dumb to realize. 😒
Meds and Google Calendar. Just put it all down in there, your single source of truth and for bills select repeat monthly.
I pay bills the second my check hits the bank. That's the only way I can budget. Lol. Otherwise, everything would get forgotten.
Everything else? Barrel through by the skin of my teeth and hope it's enough. I tend to be able to adult simply by trial & error (mostly error), and the fact no one is going to do it for me or help.
Life is messy, but you find what works best and hope it continues to work.
(This morning I slept through all ten of my alarms and my kids were late to school. No one is perfect, and I definitely feel like that applies heavier on me).
This last point hit home so badly. My kids learned to put their own alarms for 6:45 because mom wasn't able to get up once too many times. They get dressed, make their breakfast, and quietly leave for the school bus, never complaining, even more, saying that I should get back to bed and have a good sleep so I don't mess up at work (without adding "again"). No 10 years old should have to do that, my heart hurts for them. I wish they had a normal mom. Newly on meds, still trying to find something that works without evil side effects, so fingers crossed that one day I'll be able to consistently be there for them.
My big kids also sleep through alarms. There's so much adhd & autism in my family that it's definitely a struggle. However, we have so much fun at the same time, and home is a safe space. I have a 6 month old that's teething, I'm breastfeeding so avoiding meds, and so all my executive dysfunction seems to be worse. I hope you find the right meds for you!
I used to make my mom's coffee and go wake her up, mug in hand, to take me to school. That way I knew she wouldn't be late for work. I never felt bad about it. I loved being able to help. Your kids sound the same way! Don't feel bad! Just make it up to them when you can.
We got this. Our normal just looks different. ♡
Thanks. I might or might not have started crying in front of them because of all this and not being able to teach them how to keep a clean house, being on time, planning ahead, etc. The darlings, they reassured me that they actually love the independence and trust, and that I teach them other things, like persevearance when everything is falling apart, weird solutions that actually work, fixing broken stuff instead of buying new, etc. So yeah, all is not lost.
Unmedicated.
I make the money, my wife does the bills and appointments. For work I live and die by my outlook calendar. The joke in the office is if its not in writing, it doesn't exist for Several-Light.
Before we got together I didn't even had a checking account I just cashed my checks at the check place and paid my bills with money orders or if I had a responsible roomie I would just give them cash. She was shocked when we moved in together and I was like "Here is bill money" in a big stack of 100s. I was 32 and I didn't have any credit either.
Luckily my main hyperfocus in life is making money, so that makes it easier. I do tend to job hop more than I should but I am an ace in interviews and have a good resume.
As for meetings, ugh. Luckily I tend to work in industries that my customers also hate meetings. Self care I just have to be super strict with my daily routine, especially my morning stuff.
A lot of folks over estimate the impact of things getting off track, I lose time daily and do all kinds of other dumb shit but I just don't worry about it. As soon as I realize I am off in the weeds, I just get back to the task.
I’m independent because I’m self motivated, very impatient, organized, I hate gross and mess, I have a dog, and I wanna live alone for as long as I’m physically and financially able.
Coffee and music keep me focused once I get started. It helps also that I stick to routines, keep to-do lists short, and don’t beat myself up when I don’t get everything done that I wanted to, or in the ways that other people do them.
It took me a long time to figure things out as an adult, and I’ve definitely been through stretches of executive dysfunction, depression, and shame. And I think having experience that contributes to why I work so hard to stay organized. It’s a bitch, especially When motivation is seemingly nonexistent. But I tell myself to pick what’s least hard. It’s less hard to stay organized and on a routine, than it is to get everything back on track after a long streak of disorganization. And that makes it mentally reassuring on the days when I can’t find it within me to get shit done.
It took me until my late 30s. I have EVERYTHING on auto-pay. I’m a mom now and have to stay on top of shit for her. My mom used to joke that I needed a personal assistant. I think I’ve passed that milestone. Oh I also use Amazon Alexa to announce important things and repeat every hour on every device. If something really important is happening I will take a half day, or whole day off work just so I can focus on that one thing.
I had jobs that aligned well with the ADHD and I automated tf out of everything I possibly can.
I do all those things listed and consider myself independent. I don't depend on people to take care of my responsibilities. Sometimes I learn the hard way. Like water getting shut off - now it's on autopay. Forget to register my car - thank goodness it's just a warning when I get pulled over.
I got tired of asking for help and not getting the help I needed when I needed it. Independent by necessity, and now I’m independent to a fault.
Auto pay bills. I do well at work because I don't like other people seeing me as incompetent. I go to the gym every day no exceptions. At home I don't care all that much, my spoons are used up at that point.
Years of getting it wrong, taught me how to do it right.
It doesn’t matter if I suck at being independent.
Nobody else is going to do it for me. Gotta do it myself.
The plus side is if I rot for a week, and then hyperfocus and clean the place like it’s an end of lease inspection, I don’t have anyone else getting pissy I left socks on the floor.
It was a lot easier when I was single and in my early 20's. I didn't do anything except watch tv and play video games, so there was a lot less housework to do.
All I had to do was go to work, pay my bills (thanks calendar), do the laundry and eat. Everything was clean because I never touched it.
Now I have a wife and two young kids. Everything gets touched and nothing is ever clean.
But we have ✨systems✨…
I also leave some crucial tasks to my husband. I have done those on my own in the past, but since we got kids there are just too many tasks to get them all right. I used to try and do it all, but unfortunately that resulted in a very bad postnatal depression. Burn-out is a very real risk for many of us.
Anxiety. No chance of being late if I'm so worried about being late that I show up 45 minutes early.
And I frame as many things as possible so they would impact other people. It's easier to motivate myself to do things if other people are relying on me to do them (doesn't work for housework, unfortunately)
Also years of minor adjustments and medication that works.
Like, "minimizing distractions" doesn't work if I think about it as putting my phone away. But if I switch from my phone to an MP3 player, I can't get distracted by notifications when I turn it on to change songs, y'know?
I joined the Army. Not many bills, I get the shit smoked out of me for missing an appointment, and if I forget to go to work I go to jail.
A lot of my independence comes from C-PTSD. I’ve had to take care of and look out for myself most of my life because I couldn’t rely on anyone else. That meant I had all sorts of systems and coping mechanisms to get me by for a LOOOOONG time. Only in my late 30’s the ADHD hit a lot harder and I struggled a lot more. I didn’t even realize I might have ADHD until the last 2-3 years.
Reminders on my phone using my calendar or alarms
Yup, that's LIFE!! You juggle chainsaws. Make lists. Post it notes. Set alarms. Get a Big Ass calendar that you can write on, color code priorities, make bills be auto-pay, develop stability or patterns, habits, you find something that WORKS, you don't sweat the small stuff! You gotta go with the flow, manage expectations, get a good therapist, and learn how to communicate your needs.
Being late with bills and appointments comes with consequences. being yelled at, fees, losing doctors that prescribe your medications. after enough punishments you just learn how to do those things.
I do all of the above. Sticky notes are my best friend. Set payments onto auto pay, google calendar for appointments... not sure what you mean self care? (I shower etc) Zone out in meeting.... wellllll that one is hard, depends on what is being discussed. I have the same problem remembering dances in my line dance class so i really concentrate. I am 69, I have managed to build a successful business despite ADHD.. It just was more challenging. I do wonder how much better I could have done, but being ADHD makes it so I am really pretty good at doing 5 things at the same thing.. but sadly I recognize I do lots of things, ok, but none of them super ok.
Pay your bills electronically, make sure meetings are in your calendar and your notifications are turned on, etc.
honestly it’s been a lot of trial & error. learning hard lessons.
for example, missing appointments can mean either no meds or sometimes dr offices only allow 3 misses & then you can no longer see them. or when I missed my taxes as an independent contractor (aka I had to pay in) & had to pay hundreds more to file late. those consequences are so huge that it almost forces me to figure out how to get it done.
at the same time, I still struggle to brush my teeth daily or 2x a day, or go to the gym. the consequences are less in my face so it’s almost easier to fuck up.
I can fuck my shit up without no help from nobody
Spreadsheets, calendars, and autopay.
Automatic bill payments, calender setup for multiple automatic reminders for every appointment, books on tape for those boring tasks. There are lots of tools and coping mechanisms out there, you just have to find the ones that help you.
Forced to learn to be independent due to extreme anxiety over asking for any sort of help.
I am very independent.
I never said my life wasn't a train wreck.
Some part is probably directly related to being late diagnosed and being more or less on my own since I was 17.
I *do* forget to pay bill. When I can I use auto-pay.
I *do* zone out in meetings. But I've gotten very good at knowing which meetings I can. I sat through three meetings today surfing Reddit because they had nothing to do with me.
Appointments have gotten better because so many places now have online systems and/or send texts. Some even send links to add to your calendar.
Mundane tasks get ignored. My place is a mess.
The only self care I force myself is brushing my teeth. Because I've have now experienced the result of not doing so. I'm missing three and most the rest *wiggle*.
I had to make it to 29 before I knew or was medicated. There were consequences.
I had to stay an extra semester in college to retake some classes I got an F in. That really sucked. I once took out financial aid at the end of the school year because I had no money. School was paid for already but I had no money. I have never been able to stick with any routines to lose weight. I self medicated....a lot. I botched my first serious relationship. I was told to "tone down the seething hatred" when having meetings with the owner of the company. Got called out for using my phone in a big company meeting.
The list of my fuckups is very long.
And I did them all by myself!
I'm 45. My career is barely hanging on. I still rent. I have zero money for retirement. Been single longer than I care to admit. I have zero hobbies. I barely have any friends.
But I sure am independent!
Necessity / survival
As a late diagnosed person.
Masking, upbringing, anxiety disorder
I had a strict upbringing. My anxiety disorder kept me in line for a long time before I was diagnosed. I was high masking.
Omg, I don’t even know, because I have to be, I guess.
Money.
I made some risky financial decisions but they paid off. Was it the ADHD that made me take the risks? Absolutely.
Now I'm retired and independent at 40.
I also autopay everything.
Spite.
I keep my life very simple with little responsibility as possible. The most important stuff is automated.
Pure force of will. I didn’t have it before becoming a mom, but when my partner became ill and wasn’t able to support me like he used to, and we still had to do the adult things to take off my kids… I just had to. However, it does significantly accelerate burn out, and I broke down every weekend multiple times and eventually got put on a PIP at work.
Not exactly successfully independent, but I’m still standing.
A complex web of calendars, automations and reminders.
Having certain bills on autopay, having savings set aside automatically to pay said bills, and having a partner help me stay accountable to the tasks I need to do are extremely helpful
Adderall. Plus practice(while medicated). And supportive partner/ roommates/ family.
That's it that's the secret.
Without Adderall(or similar, I suppose, but it's the best option for me) i would be jobless within 3-6 months and homeless within a year. I don't think I'm exaggerating.
I often find independence easier because my ADHD fuck ups only affect me, and I'm extremely tolerant to discomfort. Ive just accepted pretty low standards for myself on a lot of things and it's mostly fine. Working on improving both my capacity and my expectations will always be a project for me, I think
1.Failing and then figuring out systems to never do tha again.
2.Shock bracelet plus automation to do the really hard stuff
3.Spite 4.Therapy for the emotional crap.
Paper planner. Pen. Scribbling like a psychopath.
coping!!!
I got kicked out when I was 16 ( blessing in disguise) so I was forced to gain independence but already had a job and was buying my own clothes so it really didn’t change much.
Brute force. Got a high enough paying ADHD compatible job to weather the ADHD tax
That said, I have since gotten married to a very organized person and it definitely makes that part easier...
So yeah, it’s degrees of separation… my mum, she’s mid 60’s. She has it all together… masters degree, university lecturer, incredibly hard working and motivated and DEFINITELY adhd hyperactive. She has a million things going on in her head at all times, her computer desktop is a wash with unorganised documents and shit. No folders etc. She’s completely unmediated and undiagnosed and thinks she doesn’t have it… which is hilarious cause both her sons and our kids have autism and adhd. My grandfather on my dad’s side had the tism. Think it might of only slightly touched my dad. Got me a bit more and has smacked my son a bit harder. So some people just make it work… know they have to do what they have to do and just do it. With or without adhd.
Then there’s people like me.. undiagnosed till 38, in and out of jobs yearly nearly.. difficulty getting distracted, always on my phone etc. I built up my skills to get around things but it wasn’t till medicine that I truly found them to work perfectly. I can concentrate now, i work harder, feel better.. I remember things I need to be doing, like hanging out the washing I’d put on etc (before it would sit in there until my wife did laundry or whatever, sometimes I’d even need to rewash it).
The thing I don’t see people doing often enough is really utilising the computer they have in their pocket. If you can’t control yourself from doom scrolling, the phone can remind you of everything. Washings gonna take 35 mins? Timer. Just made a doctors appointment? Calendar with reminders. Need to be at work on time, aim to be there 15 mins early and you’ll never be late.. can always waste 5-10 mins in the car park on your phone. Still won’t be late..
I use reminders, calendar, alerts and alarms daily. The initial challenge is remembering to check the lists for shit I gotta get done that day that doesn’t need alarms. But once you get into the habit of checking those lists before playing on your phone, you’ll never forget shit
Alarms, calendars, notifications.
Appointments the second it’s scheduled it goes on my calendar with two notifications.
My bills - I get texts about my electric and I pay the gas at the same time.
Car payment / rent go on the calendar.
When I get the notification I pay immediately, otherwise I’ll forget.
Insurance I pay all at once when it renews.
Having everything on my phone makes it manageable for me.
Medication.
I find living alone less difficult than living with people. Cause at least when I’m on my own, I’m the only person who deals with my dysfunction. I have to try hard to stick to a routine. Morning, evening routine. Meal prep, clean on Sunday’s. So I can eliminate as much decision fatigue as possible throughout the week. As the years go by I get better at doing things. I’m still not perfect. Usually if I have a person over I have to panic clean for an hour or so to make my place look normal enough for company to come over. I like to keep it clean… but yknow…
All of my bills are set for autopay and I have a line of credit to cover overdrafts. Other that that, the fear of failure seems to grive me enough motivation to do the things I need to keep my job and my family.
Calendar and alarms, routine ie doing things in the same order every day so it's habit rather than something i have to remember.
It's all an illusion.
It only works for a while.. then I crash
I have a planner I take everywhere and I write the things I absolutely must do each day. No optional things, only mandatory. It’s easy to stick to when there’s only one or two things on it.
Automate bill payments (direct debit), put EVERYTHING in one calendar, have a note book with a running to do list and reminders/plan for the following day.
The side of OCD that can accompany ADHD usually helps with keeping the house clean.
auto-payments for most of my bills, and I LIVE by my Google Calendar - everything goes in there
I have literally every bill on autopay. And over the past decades, even before I knew it was ADHD, I created systems to make the things less bad.
My husband is dx/nrx and I'm answering for him because he chooses not to have social media. It's as simple as he has to be. He knows if he isn't, he's let himself down in the past. Dropped out of school, missed opportunities for work, etc. Now he has a family and we'll do anything to not fail for them. It keeps us working diligently as a couple on the spectrum. We also like our work 🙂
All my bills are set up on autopay so that helps a ton. I do forget appointments which sucks but oh well, I reschedule them. And I’ve worked with my therapist to help me come up with some strategies that are actually pretty effective in helping me get those boring mundane chores and self care tasks done. It is possible, but it does take work.
Fear
You pay a lot of ADHD tax for late payments, missed deadlines, unclaimed insurance etc.
One thing that really helps is to just set up direct debit so that you have one less thing to worry about.
I also just ask for help, even if it means telling someone else to take my phone and do XXX for me.
Let's just say, I get very anxious if things aren't done.
Positive ways to deal with it is CBT. Automatic payments, calendar reminders and widgets for tasks that need to be done. There's this app called tick tick where you can set due dates and have tasks occur x amount of time after completion. I use it for supplements, cleaning tasks, grooming all in different lists. I also have a shopping list. It has widgets. I don't use the habit tracker. I'm sharing this because it's worked, as opposed to every other app I've tried.
I have automated what I can and do reminders for the rest of the things I am most likely to forget. Some things wait until it makes me uncomfortable.
I leave things until the last minute then I get super human strength and do everything under pressure. Been getting better at organizational skills, making to do lists, scheds and doing my best really.
Try different things that work for you. Sticky Notes are my biggest help. I am a visual artist/designer/learner so I have to keep things hanging on the wall and all my shirts/sweaters/pants/jeans always hanging. Don’t be afraid to try something that might work for you. Thumbtacks and sticky notes were my game changers.
I’m going to be forced to be more independent soon. I’m so nervous about juggling everything, I’m attending a coach to help me work with adhd, whatever I learn I can update here.
yes please do. Can you msg me as well please?
I’m very independent in the sense that I can’t stand not to be. It doesn’t mean I’m good at it though.
Forgetting to pay bills, do things that I'm supposed to etc. I have multiple Amazon Echo devices in my house and also use the app on my phone. It acts as a personal assistant so whenever I think of a thing I need to buy I tell it too add it to my shopping list or any of the 20 other lists that I have, I use smart outlet switches so I can turn on and off lights remotely as well as some small appliances that I often forget about. I set up reminders for appointments and important work things and I get notifications on my phone for every single one of them. It's been a game changer for me.
Oh i would be in worlds of hurt without my husband reminding me to do things, even as simple as taking my meds. From the outside i look like an independent boss bitch being in a senior high paid job, but i would not be there without my support as my ADHD has become worse as i get older and have less energy.
I agree with many of the comments about variations in how it presents itself, and coping statagies.
I would forget to pay my bills but they are all on autopay.
I am late for things more often than, but I have strategies to minimize the impact. For example, I avoid scheduling early meetings in the office before 9am, and aim to be at the office at 8am, giving me a buffer if I am running late. I also have tile trackers on all my important items that I typically misplaced like keys, wallet, my bag that holds my medical supplies, and even my water bottle.
Other things I make a focus of my routines, and use tools that force me to do them. I have alarms that wont turn off until I scan qr codes that are located where I need to complete the task (e.g. bathroom for night time hygiene routines, etc)
All of my bills are set to auto-pay. All of them. The ones that are fixed amounts are easy, the variable ones are budgeted for a little more than the high-end of the range (I'm a big spreadsheet nerd, and I have logs of how much each bill has been every month, going back years. (Worth noting that I do not have the energy/focus to keep up with this regularly, but once every so often I will sit down and looks through all of my past bills and log everything.))
I have a separate bank account that is the "Bills" bank account, and all of my bills are mathed out to a weekly breakdown, and that amount gets automatically put into that account every week through a paycheck allotment. The months that bills are lower (electricity bill in the winter, gas bill in the summer, etc.) build up an extra cushion for the months when they might be higher. Whenever a "fixed" bill changes (they reassess the escrow account for my mortgage once a year, which changes my monthly mortgage payment, or they increase my internet bill, for example) then I go in and adjust the weekly amount accordingly to make sure there will be enough.
I never touch the bills account. I have a "gas" account and a "groceries" account that also re-upped every week (but via automatic transfer through my bank) and then I give myself an "allowance" that I know I can spend on whatever ridiculous impulse purchase might catch my eye without having to worry about whether or not it will prevent me from being able to pay my bills or buy necessities.
(I have a full blown budget spreadsheet with every single thing I could think of, including the things that I didn't see on many premade ones, like vehicle inspections and registration renewals. I have them all somewhat color coded for things like "I have no control over how much this will be" (mortgage) "this will change but I have some control over it" (electricity bill) "variable but I have a lot of control over it" (groceries) and "I can skip this if I need to" (dining out) - it includes all of my money in and out with a goal of $0 unaccounted for. I input amounts based on how often they come in/out and then math them up to an annual amount and back down to a weekly amount. Money-in is calculated for a minimum check (I'm guaranteed 40 hours per week but I don't include any overtime in my budget, despite getting it weekly, because it's not guaranteed) and money out for variable bills/expenses are calculated toward the higher end of the spectrum. Extra goes toward paying down debt. I referenced it often when I first made it and was still dialing in numbers and building up a cushion in my "bills" account, but I don't look at it as often as I probably should now.)
For appointments, I put everything in my phone calendar with pop-up reminders set automatically. If I need time off work for an appointment, I put in that request as soon as I make the appointment so that I don't forget. I look at the calendar at least once per week, but the reminders pop up as well.
Keeping up with household chores actually felt easier when I lived alone? I worked monday-friday, so I'd get up Saturday and clean, do laundry, etc. and then have the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday to relax. Now I live with my spouse and we have more pets (when I lived alone I had 1 cat, and she didn't really add to the household chaos, just a litter box to clean and food/water bowls to keep up with. Now we have 3 dogs and a cat, and the dogs definitely add to the household chaos.) If he's not being productive then I have a much more difficult time being productive, and my brain needs to start the day with productivity. Unless it's something that requires putting off until later (can't mow the grass until the sun has been out long enough to dry all the morning dew) then once I start something fun or relaxing, I have a hard time bringing my brain back to focus on being productive. Even just with taking breaks, I have to be careful, as my brain is easily disrailed. I work best when I front load all of the productivity and concentration, and don't stop until I've finished. (Not always possible, sometimes breaks are necessary, but the normal-human thought process to "work for an hour or two then reward yourself with a little break" doesn't work for me. Once I stop it's extremely difficult for me to get started again.
Engineer here, I love to build stuff. I automated everything I could and built systems for what I couldn't. Bills are automatically debited whenever possible. And if it's not, then I don't put it down until I pay it, then break the page or write "paid" on it. Salary is going in the savings account directly and from there, rules transfer it to different accounts who transfer it further. Like, one account without a card is for annual expenses - regularizations, property, insurance taxes, etc - and surprises, as in "surprise!, the heater broke". I've a vague idea of my salary and savings, just trying to live a lot under what I can afford so I don't go into debt. Negative credit cards are not allowed - either I have the money or I save for it. This has been true my whole life, earning very little or a lot.
And for everything else, the system is similar. Simplify, simplify, simplify. No ruffled shirts that need even more ironing, if I must wear shirts at work. No socks that don't go in the dryer - well, they all go at least once. No dry cleaning only clothes, maybe a couple leather jackets as exception. Because, if I must remember to pick them up, then I might as well go naked to work and I'm not paid THAT well.
Life assisting machines (dishwasher, dryer, etc), the best I can afford because I can't afford the hassle of fixing/replacing cheap stuff every 8 years. Use hacks like taking half a day off to arrange my piles ahead of the cleaning lady.
Life is not easy with ADHD, choosing options that complicate it is not advisable, like house in suburbs, therefore repairs and commute and HOA rules and dogs/cats and mowing the lawn and sleeping with the poolboy. Each of these is like a mini disaster waiting to happen, best to avoid it completely.
Phone alarms. Lots and LOTS of phone alarms. And then secondary and tetratery alarms because I silenced those ones. But we do not need to pay another subscription when the trial ends, dammit.
Paying bills is easy if you have a cushion in your account. I set up everything on autopay. My bank app notifies me when a payment is made. Anything that isn't autopay, I pay right away with my credit card. I use my credit card to track my spending also. I pay it off at the end of the month. I have other cards if I have to pay over time.
Everything else, I have reminders on my phone.
We also crave indépendance I think? Si we balance it out, with coping mechanism like for everything else. At least that’s what I do and pray my good star 💫 when I’m too much trouble 😂
Anxiety/OCD and deep-seated fear of letting people down. I’m exhausted
I've learnt what my deficits are (like remembering tasks) and made adaptations that don't rely on my memory to remember them i.e making to-do lirsts, phone reminders, putting everything in my phone's calendar. I just put the days I run out of reach med I'm on in my calendar too. If it's not in the calendar, it doesn't exist!
I can be sensitive to noises and fabrics, so taking earplugs everywhere, learning what fabrics I do like and only buying those..
the YouTube account clutterbug used to be a resource for me. funnily enough I am a terrible reader but if a book is about adhd, i can read it
I write down anything I think i’ll forget, date it and sometimes time it.
I’ll set alarms and reminders on my phone for certain things like appointments or to take meds.
I have 2 dry erase boards in my home and one big one in my office to write the important things down.
I’ll leave myself reminders with sticky notes on what bills need to be paid and when.
I do things a certain and specific way that only I know I did them.
There’s just ways around it, can you imagine the chaos if you didn’t help yourself some how?
It's like an organized chaos thing, my systems don't make sense and aren't very streamlined. I stress a lot and I have what I call the mental illness tax - the late fees or extra costs I occasionally have to pay from missing something
Mostly anxiety.
1- Automation- I read the book "I Will Teach You to Be Rich" and it had a systemic approach to automating finances, so now I look for ways to automate everything possible, from bill pay to grocery deliveries. This means I don't have to work hard to do basic things like pay bills on time so I can save my energy and effort for other adulting tasks that can't be delegated or automated.
2- Out of sight out of mind- Even though I have friends that I love, if I don't see people I don't have a big internal pull to reach out. This is for everyone, even family, even my partner. I can keep myself entertained with little effort for a pretty much indefinite period. So... Independence... I guess
Clocks in every room, a personal daily planner that I write in (the act of writing helps memory), a house/family calendar, and my favorite: a whiteboard! I use it for everything; planning out my chores, shopping lists, brainstorming, scheduling, comparison shopping for apartments, planning vacations, budgeting, hosting events, etc. wherever I feel like I need to focus on something or I don’t want to forget the details of a plan I write it out on my whiteboard and erase once I’ve finished! It also keeps me from collecting paper lists all over the place
Homelessness is a very independent lifestyle.
If I wanted success, I imagine id be very forgetful too.
Now that I have a husband that goes to great lengths to help care for me and our house I find it all much harder to handle alone. Earlier in my adulthood I just aggressively controlled everything. Letting go of some of that control made me lose control of a lot more things.
I feel like when I dont have to constantly think/interact with other peoples life routines I can establish my own better.
I live with friends now because I needed to for a while with rent costs and my depression, but I loved living alone. My space was cleaner, I ate better, I did more of my hobbies.
Being around people makes me low level anxious and I avoid doing things because I dont want to be interupted in the middle of doing them (and I have an autistic roommate who will hold you hostage in a never ending conversation).
I miss it. Not enough to move out, theres benefits to living with my friends that I am enjoying but I cant wait to get my own place again and not have to worry about being around other people.
I feel like if I said this to my roommates it would hurt their feelings, but I also dont know of any way to have my need for independence met so I dont know what accomodations to ask for. Its not like I can just go "hey will you just not be in the house for like 3 hours?" cuz theyre both homebodies and going out is stressful for them.
But I love it when they have Date Days and theyre gone pretty much the whole day and I have the house to myself??? I will clean the whole place top to bottom, fix a meal, have a bath, and do my hobbies.
So for me? Idk. People fuck up my flow. I like em but they get in my way.
Medication, therapy, and getting a job that pays well and accommodates people with special needs. Also, putting reminders in your phone for EVERYTHING, even things like taking your meds or calling to check up on a friend
I don’t live alone, but I have kids and a husband, so not only to I have to keep track of things for myself but them too. Biggest helpers for me are 1.automatic payments FOR EVERYTHING. 2. I have a huge whiteboard calander that is on the wall right next to the door that I go in and out of everyday so I can’t miss it. I put EVERYTHING on it and color code it with (NOT DRY ERASE!) but “wet” erase markers. Bills, appointments, events, task, reminders, birthdays, days off work, kids sports practice. I put a time for things to ex: E’s gymnastics @ 530pm. BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER. I use this thing every single day. And I make it an Activity to redo it at the start of each month and decorate it with little designs to depict the month. Ex: In April I’ll draw an umbrella with rain, a rainbow, and maybe a cross and a little Easter basket. It really really helps so much! 3. For appointments/events/palns, I set labeled alarms on my phone 1-2 hours before to remind me and 30min before I have to leave to make sure I’m ready and leave on time!
They don't have the presence of mind to take note of the ways in which they are supported or accommodated by their loved ones and/or employers. I guarantee you, that's it and it's usually because of an upper class upbringing