To the best of my knowledge, there is a reduction in the mental load. All you're keeping track of is yourself and those things connected to yourself; your basic needs, your social circles, your finances, your interests, etc.

There's no husband or children to keep track of unless you have kids from prior to adopting 4B (that happens sometimes). The load is lighter, and it's noticeable.

• Did deciding to be childfree (or undecided about children) change how often you think about things like “running out of time,” or planning your life around future motherhood?

I am 25, and I always knew from a young age that I was not drawn to having children, or starting a family. Deciding to be childfree means I never think about planning a future that involves having children. My focus pivots solely to the idea of becoming successful, and to provide for my existing family. I don’t stress about time, because it feels unlimited. I have a very carefree energy in my life.

I always had the natural pull to be an artist, in which I have become quite successful doing. My main love and fulfillment in this life comes from the creative pursuit. Time for me means planning how to complete all the creative tasks that I want to accomplish in my lifetime.

• Since stepping away from those expectations, have you noticed any changes in your mental load or daily stress?

Yes, absolutely. Being an artist means I need to have a clear mental and physical space, to draw in the inspiration I need for long sessions of creating. I would never be able to do what I do if I had a large mental load to consider. Having the flexibility and free time to complete tasks that are solely my own is very important to me. I deeply value having the ability to ONLY have my own tasks to focus on. My daily stress is never zero, but it is certainly not the cause of having to manage multiple lives. I only have to manage my own. For that I am so grateful. To be a woman is almost always putting herself in a box of multiple roles: wife, mother, teacher, cook, caregiver, sex goddess, coordinator, janitor, and so on. I don’t have to be any of those things for a man. For that already, I feel incredibly fortunate.

46f here. I went 4b about 10 years ago and fully committed 8 years ago, long before I ever heard of this movement. I've never experienced a relationship that wasn't them taking and me giving. It always started with love bombing and once we were living together it changed to either a hobosexual situation (and I'm not even interested much in sex, so maybe more like a mother, maid, cheerleader situation) or a financial, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse situation. Once I finally accepted that I'm not broken for being asexual, and realized how much I prefer my own company rather than putting up with dead beats and wife beaters, I found a vibrant, rich, satisfying life of peace and joy. I can eat whatever I want, abstain from sex (I do enjoy self pleasure, so much easier), hang out with women friends, read a book, etc without someone pouting or screaming. I don't have to be scared or walk on eggshells in my own home. I have 10 nieces and nephews who I adore, and animals, that fullfill any latent mothering desires. I could not be more thrilled with my life and I'll shout it from the mountain tops! I'm grateful and thankful every day that I have decentered men. The women here are my sisters in power and I love them!

Maybe not an answer to your particular questions, but that's my view on it. I'm free!! The mental load went from an elephant on my head giving me migraines to what feels non existent, because taking care of just me is the natural order of mental load. I do take care of critters and help my aging parents, but that's out of love and makes me happy. And even though society conditions us that it's selfish, I put myself first.

• What initially drew you to 4B, or to questioning traditional expectations around relationships and family?

Growing up in a household where I was expected to care around the house with my mom and seeing my brothers get superior treatment laid out the foundations that the world was not a nice and safe place. Later on I observed the same patterns in other households and didn't really question it but rather absorbed it (and still passively fell into the same routine). Started to date and found that I would have to become a stay-at-home mom and sacrifice on my career (and life) with every single male (their race and ethnicity didn't matter). I decided it was time to step away from that scene because I was deeply unhappy and didn't want to devote ny life to becoming a bangmaid.

• Since stepping away from those expectations, have you noticed any changes in your mental load or daily stress?

I caught myself still being a therapist to my <insert 'close' males> and still not being heard when I shared my problems. I caught myself still taking care of males around me and cleaning up after them (their mess knows no bounds). I found myself still getting caught up in their priorities and ignoring mine. So the switch was not immediate. It required actively recognising and de-constructing vicious habits. And ofc, because I can't help my sexual orientation, I still catch myself trying to make an impression when I see <insert appealing qualities I find attractive in males>. So, the stress is much lesser than before but the work is still ongoing to completely and irrevocably decenter male.

• Did deciding to be childfree (or undecided about children) change how often you think about things like "running out of time, or planning your life around future motherhood?

Motherhood is not what scares me (hey, I'ma cat mom!). It's the disdain mothers get despite their superpower of holding everything up together. But to answer your question on a personal level, it's mostly about the high risk of not receiving proper medical care and falling prey to its male gaze culture. Secondly, I am quite certain I don't want to bring into this rotting world a baby. It won't be fair to neither them or I.

• Do you feel freer in how you plan your personal goals, career, or day-to-day life now?

Oh hell yeah! And more content for sure. If I mess up, I can take the blame and my criticism. I simply won't be accepting any shit from males no more.

• Were you surprised by any emotional shifts after letting go of these expectations?

The angst is not there anymore and I don't have to put up a mask pretending to be someone else while suffocating in societal and gendered traps.

• Is there a moment or thought pattern that captures what changed most clearly for you?

When I was abused sexually, I caught myself admonishing and blaming myself for it. And it was that moment when I thought that male entitlement and audacity know no bounds and they will keep taking what never was theirs anyway. So I decided that I really don't have anything anymore to offer to them and to seal the deal I would devote my energy, time and other resources to actively revaluing women in my life (directly and indirectly) including myself.

I want to discourse on no longer having a male family member live with us. I remember when he was living us, things centered around him, his moods, his needs, his time, his everything. He expected to be served, with us at beck-and-call at all times. Our exhaustion, our lives, our interestes, our time be damned to hell. Literally would say we're wasting our time when we were doing what we were doing...because it was not used to center him.

I remember at 9 years old, he was late for an important meeting. He literally barked orders at me - Get my handkerchief ironed! Polish my shoes! Get my socks ready! Fill my water bottle! Wash these! Where are my car keys?! Why is the house so messy?! I remember being out of breath since I was running here and there and my senses completely overwhelmed. It didn't help that my mom gloated that it was now my time to suffer like she did. It didn't matter at the time it was happening...I was getting ready for school myself.

I remember coming home from school, exhausted & hungry from the day, I literally had just placed ONE FOOT at the entrance when he looked over from the single-seat sofa and asked me to bring him water. Be damned to hell that I was exhausted & hungry - didn't even bother to ask about my day. I exploded and mom had to intervene.

My mom received the brunt of it if things in the house are not the way he wants it. So my sibling and I had to shoulder her responsibilities too. I had to be the adult, make adult decisions for my mother because she was overwhelmed herself. I had made sure the house is spotless and everything ready to be used if he needs it. My nervous system had been completely compromised living with a family member who constantly made things tense around house. I remember juggling my schoolwork, to also fit in the time I would allocate to do housework. Responsibilities that were too young to someone less than 12 to beshoulder,

And then he did something that not even my mom could not forgive and he was kicked out of the house. The constant flight or flight mode we were so accustomed to took a great long while to stabilize. We were so used to being barked at and beaten for something as simple as a household chore. For a time, I still cleaned the house in panic mode, anticipating SOMETHING to eventually beat me up for not doing it correctly. Even as a child I somehow had the uncanny ability to reflect & introspect and I sat, and really reflected on why I'm feeling so overwhelmed, over something so harmless. Dismantling everything that had been conditioned was a life-long process. I had the opportunity to come our of parentification (my mom became depended on us), sort out my boundaries within the families and voraciously establish my unique personhood that had been robbed from me, all because living with a man means inadvertently being groomed into a puppet that wouldn't know any better.

What initially drew you to 4B, or to questioning traditional expectations around relationships and family?

The way I grew up being forced to center my life around a man because "everything him" took precedence over any/all women in the house. And for the longest time believed my worth lied in a man choosing me, and how much I can "prove" myself worthy to a man.

• Since stepping away from those expectations, have you noticed any changes in your mental load or daily stress?

"Divorcing" men from my thoughts & expectations had been pivotal in regaining my power, and rightfully placing importance on me. I no longer move with any man in mind. Once I put myself, my decisions, my wants and needs without allowing any man to influence it, I found my stress levels significantly reduced. I still have anxiety, but not to the point of my vision going black and the room spinning phenomenon that I experienced for the longest time. My heart still feels like it's in a boxing match against my chest, but I have enough wherewithal to still deal with it effectively. I am at a point where I scoff at the fact that men get their jockstrap in a bunch when women don't pay attention to them.

• Did deciding to be childfree (or undecided about children) change how often you think about things like “running out of time,” or planning your life around future motherhood?

Up to my late 20s, this was my biggest fear. That I am behind everyone else. That I am a loser for not achieving these milestones. Seeing other women having babies would put me in a foul mood - because I saw them reaching a goal I desperately wanted. But then women's testimonies of motherhood and marriage made me stop in my tracks and really evaluate things. A lot of women out there wished they were me, and outright said it to my face. And I actually did written comparison on paper, to really see it in black & white. Instantly I felt stupid over how much I overlooked my blessings. Immediately I felt younger, freer.

• Do you feel freer in how you plan your personal goals, career, or day-to-day life now?

Absolutely. I no longer doubt my decisions, neither do I unconsciously seek approval to go ahead with my decisions. I just do it.

• Were you surprised by any emotional shifts after letting go of these expectations?

Everything felt "lighter", more "airy". Things felt "softer". Once the idiot that gets anxiety if a man doesn't see me in a positive light, now I scoff and make fun of men's entitlement.

• Is there a moment or thought pattern that captures what changed most clearly for you?

"A man loves you so long as you are useful to him". It was a much-needed slap to the face.

Lifelong witness of locker-room talk slowly seeped into challenging my beliefs. The realization how much men envy and hate women due to needing us.

• What drew me to 4B is that the normal way of life in this world didn’t resonate, appeal, or fit me. Dating, sex, all of it seemed like things other people did and I was just someone on the outside looking in. I didn’t try much to fit into it either- I simply observed and I noticed that the world around me was harsh, and unloving, and yet there were all these expectations with the unspoken assumption that if I met those expectations, I would be happy or loved by the world/family, whatever. But in my observation, those who are married seemed to be the worse off- the wives looked overwhelmed with the kids and husband who acted like a child, and even though my (Indian) culture obsesses over marriage and weddings, nothing about it appealed to me. It felt like a trap.. Growing up in a conservative family, I wasn’t allowed to date in high school- in college I ended up “dating” a couple of sociopaths- in fact most of my experience with men has been with sociopaths or emotionally unavailable men (I came from an abusive and toxic family) so I did hold out hope that maybe there were better men out there if maybe I just healed myself enough- but after researching a little more like on this forum or the regretful parents forum, or even seeing how “nice” married men would try to hit on me, I really lost hope and concluded that all men are hardwired the same. I’m an observant and contemplative person and I just naturally fell into 4B long before this term or movement existed. I never really felt sexually attracted to men (only emotionally due to unresolved trauma with my absentee dad) because I am demisexual and I can only feel such attraction if there is deep emotional intimacy, but I’ve never felt that with a man. Also men’s bodies and poor hygiene are repulsive to me, especially their private parts and it never felt natural to allow that into my being or experience, especially when they seem to center their lives around pleasure that involves those parts. Speaking of which, I see marriage as a type of prostitution where the woman essentially gives her body, life, and soul in service to some man’s ego and parts that I’m naturally repulsed by (I’m not a lesbian either).
• Well I never really dated much especially early on, but there was a phase when the parents were obsessing over arranging me with someone and there was a constant pressure to have my profile updated on shaadi dot com etc. and it just felt like I was doing it to get my parents off my back. And I was matching with men that were mirroring my lukewarm interest as well- I think I hadn’t accepted the fact that I didn’t want to get married or have a family. But at one point, I accepted the fact that something was off about this whole business and I just gave up, and relaxed into my own life- I was called to the spiritual path and to know myself and everything changed- I dropped the whole man search and it was a big exhale and relief for me.
• Yeah the running out of time thing is the way the ego has designed this world- everything is a race against time and you’re on the hamster wheel and you better make it perfect or else! Or else what? What is the threat here? Running out of time for what? I personally don’t have a biological clock or any maternal instinct whatsoever- it was programmed into me by this world, to feel this artificial pressure that made me compare myself to others. But naturally I’m not like that. I don’t care about kids and I don’t need them draining my time and energy. My older sister is a trad wife and I see her life- she’s ADD and can’t focus on anything longer than 0.5 seconds, and because she can’t be with herself or live a slow mindful life, she is constantly seeking distraction and entertainment in the form of having kids and distracting herself with that so she can say she has a purpose. But my child is my inner child- it takes a lifetime to deprogram from the lies I was fed since birth and reparent my inner child. It’s a full time job and I enjoy that and getting to know myself much more than bringing a baby into this fallen world and draining myself for the sake of taking care of the child for 20+ years.
• I was almost always 4B, but at some points in my life I was pulled off course due to pressure from the family and out of resonance with my natural state. All I had to do was accept my true nature that I am not attracted to men, nor am I the giving or overgiving type who drains herself for a man- I may have had moments of doing this in the family and I learned quickly from those experiences as well as observation of my sister and mother draining themselves for their husband and kids and decided I never wanted that. Since accepting the truth, I feel freer yes- I only focus on myself now. My scenes have changed, my script has changed. The only trouble is during these stupid holiday times when the family aka parents invade my house and say “let’s go to your sister’s house and celebrate NYE!” Like why? I don’t give a damn about any of them. Family time is incredibly boring for me. I want to be in my own world and my own life. I am a loner and I like it that way. To enjoy your own solitude is the ultimate freedom. The reason why people are paired up and clinging to each other whom they don’t even like is because they fear the alternative of being alone. When you master the art of solitude, you are free.
• It’s a huge load off the mind to accept the fact that you don’t need to live this outdated slave life carved out for women. When I accepted my new life and saw that the true spiritual life is one of solitude and not constantly socializing or draining yourself with family, I was relieved that I dodged this bullet and ego trap trying to bind me to this world through family, marriage, kids, and men. I have become more secure in my masculine energy and I’m more selective what I engage with. If it serves me and has a purpose that resonates, I allow it. And the 4B movement showed up as the perfect mirror of my inner transformation.
• I have authorship over my life now- it’s a constant uncovering and unfolding of the mystery of my true Self.. to understand who I am. I realized that the only relationship that gets more intimate and deeper over time is the relationship with myself.

• What initially drew you to 4B, or to questioning traditional expectations around relationships and family?

47F, divorced, 3 teens. I've been a feminist since childhood, and always felt some amount of discomfort in relationships with men. After ending my last one, I realized most of my issues were caused by unfair gender expectations and entitlements under the patriarchy, and decided I would be happiest to remain solo for life. I officially became 4B after discovering it last year.

• Since stepping away from those expectations, have you noticed any changes in your mental load or daily stress?

My life got materially better in every way after divorcing and no longer cohabitating with men (physically, mentally, financially). My ex and I do 50/50 custody, so my domestic and parenting workloads went down, and my ex's went up, because he now has to maintain his own household. Since this life change, I feel physically better, sleep better and experience less stress. And yes, my mental load went down. I feel calmer and more at peace. For me the biggest win has been no longer having someone expect access to my body or trying to coerce me into sexual activity that I don't want, often through bad behaviour.

• Did deciding to be childfree (or undecided about children) change how often you think about things like “running out of time,” or planning your life around future motherhood?

I found 4B only after having kids. If I had found it earlier, I probably would not have had children. But since I do have them, I am glad, and they are my favorite people.

• Do you feel freer in how you plan your personal goals, career, or day-to-day life now?

YES, I feel so much freer. 4B has allowed me to focus on myself, my kids, and my career. I no longer spend energy dealing with a partner's needs or expectations. It was exhausting.

Side note that professionally I am a senior leader in the financial sector. I would not have expected to still be dealing with relationship and gender issues in my forties, but I was, and that's what finally drove me to make major changes.

• Were you surprised by any emotional shifts after letting go of these expectations?

No. I felt relieved, and actually wish I would have discovered 4B sooner. As a late Gen X woman, growing up I wasn't really aware that choosing not to partner was a valid option. My family and everyone around me was encouraging marriage. I do now parent my own kids differently... letting them know that relationships and having kids are optional. I actually encourage my daughters to defer or avoid relationships.

• Is there a moment or thought pattern that captures what changed most clearly for you?

For me it was around the time I chose to end my last long-term relationship. I started to realize there was a bigger pattern around the issues I was experiencing, which I felt came down to unfair gender expectations and entitlements under the patriarchy. I then asked myself if these relationships were adding value to my life, and they were not. They were actually adding more stress. So then a lightbulb went off and I decided to just bypass all that and remain solo for life. I've been much happier and more at peace since.

What initially drew you to 4B, or to questioning traditional expectations around relationships and family?

After two horrible divorces, I was seeking validation for how I was feeling on the inside. The 4b movement provided some of that validation as to why I wanted to opt out of men.

Since stepping away from those expectations, have you noticed any changes in your mental load or daily stress?

Yes. For example, in my marriage, the stress was so bad I was suicidal. Now I’m a single parent and the stress is bad but I’m no longer suicidal.

Did deciding to be childfree (or undecided about children) change how often you think about things like “running out of time,” or planning your life around future motherhood?

I didn’t decide to be childfree. I didn’t know of the 4b movement until after I had my children.

Is there a moment or thought pattern that captures what changed most clearly for you?

I’ve given my life to pleasing men and I’m simply done.

Do you feel freer in how you plan your personal goals, career, or day-to-day life now?

Yes, absolutely.

Were you surprised by any emotional shifts after letting go of these expectations?

I am surprised at how hard it is to let go sometimes. Romantic loneliness is real but it still never compares to the pain I feel when I actually let a man into my life.

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Dating men in the past has been the equivalent of a part time job. I knew if I became a mother it would be the equivalent of two full time jobs unpaid.

What drew me to 4B? The consistent dehumanisation from men I experienced in relationships, watching my mother raise three children as a single mother and be run into the ground physically, financially and emotionally. I’m fairly certain I developed chronic fatigue syndrome as a child just watching her and thinking this was my future as a grown woman.

Dating men has left me traumatised. I’m officially a two time DV survivor and unofficially much much more. Two Victim assist payouts has been made to me from the violence I have experienced at the hands of men I have done nothing but help. In return they terrorised me.

Is there an emotional shift between living in daily terror and not living in daily terror? Ofcourse. I am free to deal only in my own dreams and plans.

When with men, I was assumed to be life therapist, career driver and motivator, and on call unpaid prostitute. I am desperate for men to get counselling and for men to read a book on feminism. But my life experiences shows me quite literally men would rather die than read a book about women’s rights.

I hope that helps your research. Btw I am in QLD Australia