TW: sexual assault
I'm really struggling with this lately. I'm a really small woman. I work out and all, but really if a man - any man - wants to mess with me I can't really put up much of a fight. I'm partnered with another woman who's about the same size as me. She was sexually assaulted by a patient at work a week ago. And I'm just so mad. And sick of feeling vulnerable around men out and about. My partner wasn't even safe at work in the middle of the day. It kind of burst the illusion bubble of safety in everyday life where you assume that people including men will, in most settings, at least behave in a somewhat civilized manner.
I don't really know how to cope with the rage and anxiety about men I'm forced to be around in my daily life. I'm not sure how to not worry for myself and my partner and my female friends and family members. I've been in dodgy situations with men where, though nothing physical has necessarily happened, I can tell that the guy gets off on my fear and powerlessness.
I hate that my partner got hurt and that I probably wouldn't have been able to do anything even if I was there. And I hate that it's very likely that this kind of thing will continue to happen to the women in my life.
It is a lifelong rage
One of the things I cultivated was a loud obnoxious voice that would embarrass them at least in public and get them to back off
People should be safe at work. It is enraging
I have a very high, girlish voice. A few times when I have tried to really stand up to men, they laugh at me. So that's unfortunate.
It IS enraging. It makes me so mad I could cry. She was trying to help that guy, in her professional role, and that's what happens...
This is one of the reasons I never got women lecturing other women (even in feminist spaces) about how it's supposedly not productive or toxic to hate men or be enraged at them when they're quite literally going out of their way to assault and degrade us every step of the way.
What you’re feeling makes complete sense. When the illusion of basic safety shatters, especially because someone you love was harmed, fear and anger are rational responses, not moral failures.
A lot of women are taught to gaslight themselves into “not all men” thinking just to survive daily life. When something like this happens, the body remembers what the mind has been forced to ignore. Your nervous system is reacting to real patterns, not paranoia.
You are not weak for being small. You are not wrong for being afraid. And you are not obligated to make yourself comfortable around people who statistically and experientially pose a risk to you. Safety is not hatred. Caution is not cruelty.
One thing that helps some women is shifting the focus from trying to feel safe everywhere to building layers of protection where possible. Choosing spaces carefully. Moving in pairs. Trusting your instincts without debating them. Letting yourself leave situations early. These aren’t signs of surrender, they’re acts of self-respect.
Also, rage after an assault (even secondhand) is grief looking for somewhere to go. It doesn’t mean you’re becoming bitter or broken. It means you care deeply about survival, dignity, and justice.
You’re not alone in this, even when it feels isolating. Many women quietly carry the same fear and exhaustion. Naming it, like you did here, is already a form of resistance.
No advice but I see you and feel similarly
My heart goes out to you. I am also a woman of small stature, and I cannot change that, nor can I change our society much (not for lack of trying!)
But I can change how I feel! When I go to the gym regularly, it’s a fact I get stronger. More importantly, I feel stronger and I present my self differently and, importantly, people react to me differently.
Anyone who wants to enough could still overpower me but by all the gods, they think twice. Plus, I have a better chance at escape! I’m less likely to freeze!
I have a habit of going into “puppy mode” around men, look, I’m cute and harmless and funny! But, when push literally leads to shove, I’ve got raging chihuahua mode and will bite, scratch, kick, scream, eyegouge and hair pull.
I’d rather go down in a snarling rage if I’m gonna go down.
It’s probably not a good survival tactic, but still my preference.
I'm pretty fit and I've even taken self defense in the past but even so at 5'2 1/2 (that half is important lol) there's usually not much I can do. I've honestly been so upset by the fact that whenever I've been in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation with a man in the past, my nervous system doesn't do fight or flight, it does freeze and fawn. It makes me feel so weak. I hate it.
Freeze and fawn responses are not weak! Millions of your genetic ancestors only made it because of freezing and fawning. It's male propaganda that the only true form of strength is ooga booga SMASH CRUSH. Survival is strength - and your nervous system doesn't give a single shit about how your survival strategy is perceived by society, or even how ashamed or embarrassed you feel about it. Your nervous system loves you and she knows what to do.
Aw thanks. This made me emotional actually.
Yeah, I hate it too, also 5’2.5” if I’m stretching!
My job used to take me through many, many airports and I got frustrated with always dodging out of the way, 99% of the time of men.
I finally thought, you fucks, I am going to run you over. To my everlasting shock, they started dodging me! I never made eye contact, focused on the space in front of me, but something about body language got communicated in those split seconds.
I got whapped a few times, but I was braced for it so I didn’t land on my butt, and sometimes got hostile muttering and the stink eye too.
Felt good. Mostly good, there’s always that fear I’d get outright attacked, but still, mostly good.
Get this: it was really, really hard at first. I channeled my anger into walking and I. Got. Better. At. It. Never natural, always exhausting, but worth it.
Take the little wins, my sister, take my wins - I’d give them to you freely! And, don’t blame yourself for being you! We can’t all be snarling, foaming chihuahuas!
If it makes you feel any better, consider this:
Men are predatory. Predators in the wild, and men in society, look for prey that are easy pickings. There's a reason why bears think twice before going up against a honey badger. The bear could kill the badger, but the badger would fight so hard that the bear is sure to be severly injured as well - and these injuries could lead to physical disability or death after a prolonged time. For the bear, it isn't worth fucking with a honey badger unless they are desperate.
The best way to protect yourself from predators is to signal to them that messing with you is more trouble than it is worth. Be loud in public. Physically fight them if it is safe to do so when you are being attacked. It's not a fool-proof way, but it is the way of nature. Be a goddamned honey badger.
Same height and I also freeze/fawn.. I think we are just trying to survive like I know I'm not gonna fight you and win but I can use my words to placate a person into not attacking me or going easy.
I have talked my way out of being held up at gunpoint.. and sweet-talked my way out of harm... I lived and did not get shot so hey... freeze/ fawn can sometimes get you out of danger which is why we do it.
Yeah I've gotten away from a few really risky precarious situations too. But then I always feel gross after. And then when people will question and give a million "but why didn't you do this?" type of things I just never know what to say besides I don't know.
They are rationalising away their own fear, by identifying what they would in an imaginary interpretation of your situation. You did the best you could and you're there, telling them the story right now, so what you did is what 'worked'.
It's interesting when that's pointed out to them.
It does seem that way, yeah. And I mean I get it, it's scary and you want to believe you could've gotten away or done something different and had a better outcome when you hear about horrible things happening to women.
I think it’s worth examining two things (with the goal of you feeling better about this).
Why do you feel gross + why are you in the position of having to explain yourself to people
As someone mentioned, it’s a patriarchical belief that strength/power/fighting/beating the aggressor to a bloody pulp = best
That isn’t objectively true, though. That’s an opinion, specifically the opinion of insecure men who believe tough guys rule. Men take stupid risks, that’s why they have higher insurance premiums. They’re always dying due to boldness, “fearlessness,” lack of logic, aggression, impulsiveness, etc.
Is your goal to survive or to feel powerful and cool? Are there different ways of surviving scary situations, or is there only one acceptable way (fighting)? Do you feel critical when you see other women survive by freezing/fawning or is it just yourself? Is it possible you’re conflating “in this particular instance, it was smart and cool of me to freeze, it saved my life” with “the rage I feel against the system/men as a whole makes me wanna fight, I want to tear rapists’ eyes out, [I’m speaking from my own pov now and this is all hypothetical], I want to punch my abuser, I want to wipe out all the dictators who hate women”? What I mean is: are you kind of projecting what you wish you could do in general onto that specific situation?
I find myself thinking like that. A part of me wishes I had clawed my rapist’s face instead of freezing. But that’s my retroactive, general rage talking. It’s not the same as my in-the-moment survival instinct and specific rage towards that one man. If I could travel back in time and hover over myself, I’d tell her - kind of sad, maybe - I’d tell her to freeze again. Not to claw at his face. I WISH I could’ve fought back, but I don’t know if I would’ve survived. I think my body and intuition could sense the danger I was in, and I reacted accordingly. Your intuition is smart. It’s your subconscious picking up on a million stimuli. Much smarter than your conscious mind.
Anyway, apologies for getting off track, but that’s something to consider.
The second thing is, I’m mad that you’re having to defend yourself to people about this. Who’s asking you why you didn’t do xyz? How dare they…?
It’s insane to me that anyone would second guess a victim. You don’t have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain). I suggest looking up JADE and internalising it. That was a game changer for me. I used to feel like I had to give thorough, honest, clear explanations for every fucking thing people asked me (CPTSD, narcissistic parents blah blah). That was my impulse. But now I pause before I speak, I let the person’s words hang in the air for a second. It gives me time to think not only about how I want to answer their question, but if I want to answer at all; the motivation behind their question (pure, honest, critical, interrogative, doubtful, contrarian?); and whether they have the right to ask me in the first place. Sometimes they don’t.
Whoever’s asking you why you didn’t fight back or whatever, I feel their motivations are critical and doubtful. I don’t like that for you! They don’t have the right to ask you that.
I’m very sorry for what happened to your partner.
Edit: There’s also an element of shame in what you described. Gross -> disgust -> shame/anger towards yourself. The word should is closely related to these feelings. I should have done this or that. It’s very blamey and judgemental, which you don’t deserve. Try and notice when you’re using that word against yourself. Maybe replace it with could. “I could’ve done something differently, but I might not be here today if I had”.
Just thank it. It’s trying to get you out of a situation with least amount of harm. It can suck if we don’t have the same power, and obviously it is dangerous. But feed the fight inside. When it’s time to fight training and muscle memory, which you’re doing, can help.
How many classes was your self defense program?
I think like 8? It was once a week for a couple months. Something my local gym did.
Please check if they have Impact or Krav Maga where you live. Krav Maga is a workout as well. Many classes to take
I've always been baffled by howni behave around male authority figures. I'd made myself small and act cutest, not in a flirty way but in a look I'm soo harmless and I never ever want to offend you way. Now I'm direct and straightforward and look people in the eyes even ceos. I never croutch or smile too much and it's only warned me respect.
This probably doesn’t apply to you if you don’t live in the US, but if you do, I recommend getting a gun, learning how to use it safely, and getting comfortable with it. It’s completely depressing that even though I work out 5x a week and have been doing so for years I can still be easily overpowered by just about any male; but a gun is an equalizer. I still hate them but I no longer feel powerless around them.
Honestly. I did this too. I don’t go out with it, but I leave it at home since I live alone. Men often love having guns, but they hate that we can own guns too.
Some women are known to carry box cutters for personal defense. I carry pepper spray. Some choose handguns. Some carry their keys in their hand with the keys sticking out. Whatever you choose, make sure you practice with it and know how to use it. Consider self defense courses. The human body is actually very vulnerable and you can take out a knee, or poke out an eye easily, blow to the temple. The goal is to slow down the attacker and get away. I know a patient care aid who was requested to give a nasty male patient a bed bath. He kept touching himself “down there”. She filled the basin with cold water and “oops” spilled it on him. Never, never, never allow yourself to think you’re a victim. If you do, you’ve lost half the battle. Stand up to these bullies and find a way to assert yourself. We are smarter than they are. Our pre-frontal cortex develops faster and better than theirs. Stay strong 💪 OP.
pepper spray is a real fair weather friend
the wind really needs to be on your side
tazer gang rise up
Usb rechargeable tasers and they make keychain knuckles that look like a cats head and ears but are actually very pointy and long strong plastic points for gouging; mace and a small handgun that can fit in a purse (check your states laws)
Yes !🙌
I hear you. I’m so sorry that happened to your partner and instilled more fear in you. The fear is legit tho… maybe it’s good to be more aware of it, without letting it run our lives.
Hopefully it’s okay to share an experience of my own… I’m also relatively small. I am physically strong, but not compared to the physical strength of average men. At my last job, one of my managers (a gay man) would routinely threaten to physically force me to do things, or “joke” about hitting me. The main boss (also a gay man) actively turned a blind eye and told me to be more assertive, and “learn how to say no” whenever I would get hit on and actually harassed by male customers at work. I told him that I did say no, that these men wouldn’t take no for an answer, and kept following me while I was trying to do my job. My other manager (a straight man) would passively allow this all to happen, he wouldn’t stick up for me to the other bosses.
So I quit because it was an unsafe work environment, and when I quit, my boss rolled his eyes and said I was only quitting because I was too emotional and didn’t know how to handle my feelings. I ignored him and didn’t bother to respond. It took me awhile to realize my managers and boss were IN ON IT. They got off on my powerlessness too. They didn’t care to begin with. I didn’t see it because two of them were gay, and they all have very civilized reputations.
I’m glad I left. If I stayed, the harassment would’ve continued. They would’ve blamed and shamed me with “well no one’s forcing you to work here! You can quit the job.” So I did quit. :)
Since then I’ve been more dedicated to getting physically strong. I work in a warehouse now. Unfortunately, it’s a male dominated industry. So I’m surrounded by physically imposing men all day at work. I wish more women were encouraged to lift weights. But men are more encouraged to be strong. So women often end up with a very late start to building strength.
That's a horrendous workplace! Ugh, good for you for getting out of there. I've tolerated a lot of similar behavior honestly, but I'm unfortunately just not an assertive person at all. I have a really high voice, and the few times I've tried to really tell a man off, they tend to just laugh at me which doesn't help matters.
I'm so upset for my partner's sake too. She was pretty hurt, in a pretty intimate way and it's all just terrible. She did hurt him back, though. And the entire situation played out in such a way that it's likely he'll be held accountable for it, which I'm at least happy about knowing that's most often not the case. I'm trying to take care of her now at home but the whole situation was the straw that broke the camel's back regarding men as a constant threat and fear point for me. And I just feel so useless like some squeaky little bird who could never protect anyone not even myself if I needed to.
That’s awesome he’s probably being held accountable. So many times they aren’t!! I think being assertive can be learned… but honestly even if we are assertive, a lot of the time it doesn’t deter them. Just like saying no. If they are determined to be misogynistic, they aren’t going to listen to our words. That’s why I think victim blaming is ridiculous, when the shame should be on the other side. They know better, they just don’t care about the follow-through. I’m sure you’re taking good care of your partner in this and hope you’re both able to recover
Lifting weights doesn’t really do much to help us defend ourselves against males sadly. I still recommend lifting for health reasons but it’s useless for self defense. Nature/biology hates us.
Okay… I think that’s a bit defeatist. I didn’t say anywhere that I could ever beat a man in hand to hand combat. I said it’s a shame that women are not encouraged to get physically stronger. They encouraged to be gentle and polite. And that men have an advantage because of this.
Like I said, I recommend lifting for health reasons but there are better ways to defend yourself. Women should not lift because they think it’ll help them defend themselves, it simply won’t.
I never said it would help defend themselves against men.
I said that nowhere. It helps with self confidence, self worth, self esteem, with day to day life I don’t need much help from men in lifting anything, it helps with mental health and clarity, physical health too. So many things. I only shared my story because it helped with these things and I am relating to OP about the fear of men.
I'm 5ft 10, physically very strong & not vulnerable looking or sounding whatsoever. I'm so sorry but men have overpowered me many times. Small women must feel so unsafe , it's vile out there.
They are predatory, vile bullies, no woman can really totally protect herself from most man, even if they know krav maga ...
They are so insanely aggressive , comparable strength and stature in a woman cannot compete with mens' sheer level of vile, explosive, brutal aggression.
That's one of the many problems with them.
I know it's hard but they target the more scared looking women more...that's how vile they are. Try to walk with confidence , and most middle aged women will walk with you if you ask them. We tend not to be intimidated...I actually carry my vet scalpels in my pocket, legally I need them for work but primarily they are my ( illegal) weapons.
This is very validating actually, thank you.
And yeah, I just feel like everything about me screams "potential victim" a lot of the time. I'm short, I'm really skinny (I have a chronic condition that really impacts what and how much I can eat and so I can never get myself above just barely over the line to being underweight), I look younger than I am, I have a high voice. Just the worst combo. The best I've been able to hope for in situations where men have behaved threatening to me is that my generally helpless vibe sometimes seems to trigger protective instincts in other men who happen to be around (or women, sometimes, and that's always played out much better without weird lingering sexualized interest after the fact). But then there's an underlying feeling of those men expecting some form of gratitude and then it becomes a whole other uncomfortable situation all over again.
My partner is tougher and stronger than me but she's also fairly small. She did get away from the man who attacked her, but only just and not before he'd already done some vile things to her, and she was still injured. I think if it was me I wouldn't have gotten away at all, probably.
You have inner power, project it out. Imagine how disabled women in wheelchairs feel? Blind women? If they can find the strength to be out in the workd, we all can. They, men, WANT us to feel scared & weak, it's how they feel less inadequate & more "powerful", like all bullies do.
I know it's unbelievably horrible , especially with what happened to your partner at work... Wtf, where are their risk assessments? , they have a duty of care to their staff... Don't know where you are in the world but she has been massively put at risk , probably legal grounds for personal injury and breaking Health & Safety at work act in UK.
I hope you both heal .
She doesn't work in psych or any context that's considered high risk at all, and this man was... really ridiculously brazen and I don't know how or even if he ever thought he'd get away with any of it since he was in an exam room with her in a clinic surrounded by staff who could walk in at any moment.
She's injured but will recover physically. But he covered her mouth and nose while he was... doing what he was doing and that's really freaked her out, like after. She thought she was going to die because she couldn't breathe. So, that's some trauma to work through for sure. Her workplace is pretty good. They're investigating their own security practices. Giving her lots of paid time off, counselling will be covered through her work insurance. Could be worse in that sense, I guess. But it's a stain on all of civilization that men do this kind of thing to the extent that they do all over the damn world.
But it's made her more worried about me too, having that happen to her. Sort of a, if this happened to me at work what could happen to you at work (me being smaller and generally somewhat frail - chronic condition, my work has me around all sorts of people unsupervised all the time et cetera). I think that's mostly an acute stress response though, hopefully things won't feel so fraught for long.
I would have tased that guy! Carry a taser with you. And mace.. but you don’t expect that at work. When I was 19 a guy jumped me while I was playing darts and I stabbed him in his forearm and it brought him to his knees as I continued to apply pressure and the pain stopped him in his tracks… when I was 33 a guy tried to rape me and I gave him a karate kick so hard he flew up in the air and landed on the arm chair next to his bed and broke his nose.. blood gushing out and that pain stopped him in his tracks.. learn to fight… and carry that taser. I’m also 5’2 and petite.. these guys want to dominate you… show no fear. Take a self defense course.. because I know a bit of karate that has saved me from being raped.
Both of those are illegal where I live. And I don't think medical professionals (my partner) can carry around weapons at work, either. I get the sentiment of not just accepting feeling like this and trying to do your best with learning to fight back and being prepared, but at the same time I can't help but feel that some of the rhetoric is shaming women who don't actually manage to get away or end up just freezing out of fear. I tend to freeze when I'm scared. I don't think it would matter how much self-defense I learn (and I have taken courses in the past and I used to do jiujitsu for ages) my response when I'm afraid is I freeze up. Or fawn/play along with whatever's happening which REALLY makes me hate myself. It's easy to say "I would've" with some story that would've gotten you out of the situation, but... for a lot of women that doesn't happen. Even if "prepared" whatever that means. Having a weapon often just means you'll end up having that used against you, too. I'd be up for mace though. But again, illegal here unfortunately.
Don't talk about yourself like that, in the Army they call it "The Combat Mindset". There's new recruits that respond the same way as you in high stress situations. But the training they go through helps break them out of it. It's not perfect, but mostly effective. Also, it's a fair amount of folks that do various martial arts and when in a fight/life or death situation they freeze. Fine motor movements are stunted and gross motor are sometimes heightened, but not much training for it to be effective (sometimes). Part of it is because their training doesn't involve scenarios that are realistic and high pressure. I hate it when women talk like this, it's a loser mindset. No offense, but the whole "Having a weapon often just means you'll end up having that used against you, too." is mostly false. Speak for yourself, not for others. Just like there's some women who failed, I've seen women successfully defend themselves with weapons.
I'd recommend Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It's a martial art that focuses on body mechanics rather than strength and size, so in theory, a smaller and weaker opponent can beat a larger and stronger one, using technique.
Also, my dad always taught me this: eye balls and low balls. He said if you're up against a man and he wants to hurt you, you probably can't out-fight or outrun him, so what you do is you play dirty: you kick him in the balls as hard as you fucking can (wear steel toe-capped boots often for this reason, like Docs), and then ram your thumbs into his eye sockets. Hard. Pull out an eye if you can. Incapacitate him. Then run away.
If you're american get a gun.
Strength isn't needed to gouge their eyes out.
and know how to use it safely
Weaponry is your friend - guns, mace, cat-ear knuckles, knives, etc. I recommend having an assortment. I don't think it's too paranoid.
I'm 100% sure that if I tried to wield any kind of weapon it would just end up being used against me, to be quite honest. Besides all of those except I guess knives, are illegal where I live anyway.
Even in self-defense? Frankly I'd use them anyway but that's your call.
I'd recommend a self-defense class. One thing I learned is that you should be feral and biting. This freaks out men and anyone, really. Twisting arm flesh, biting, ripping, kicking him in every vulnerable spot, punchung upside his nose and throat, sticking your thumbs in his eyes - get f*cking vvicious. Watch some videos on YouTube as well as a class.
Pretty sad that most of these are illegal to have here too, pepper spray might be the only thing i could carry and not get charged or arrested for it, but i would be happier and safer with atleast a knife in my pocket. Women should be allowed to have self-defense weapons, there are some really sick men out there.
You have a lot of company here.
I know how you feel
I hope your partner is brave and reports the patient.
Men typically lose interest in interaction after I don't express interest. Maintaining formal and short conversations has previously decreased their interest. Anyone can experience violence, but limiting interaction decreases the risk. I do not naturally desire to speak to men, and my perspective may only be my own. ❤️🩹
She did. It wasn't a subtle kind of scenario. She was hurt and had to go get care pretty much right away. And he needed medical attention too becasue she dug her nails very deep into his junk to get away before he escalated things even further. Security was involved pretty much immediately, it was obvious to everyone what had happened. Everything got documented, he's reported, and considering the circumstances I'd be shocked if he isn't convicted for it honestly. There's no possible other explanation or excuse for what happened and for which there is documented evidence. Thankfully.
I hope she receives her justice! 🫂⚖️
I hear you. I was slightly taller and more sporty in late-childhood-early-teens, so I felt that I wasn’t as ‘at risk’ as a more petite girl. I ended up getting assaulted when I was 12 by a male relative.
Even now, years later, I’ve done so much more strength training and working out to try and increase my physical strength, but there’s always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I will never be strong enough, and it scares me. All it takes is one man to ruin a woman’s life, and I hate that.
As someone that is small and disabled now I am really feeling this. I worried before but so much more now that I’m really weak and slow
I’m looking at knives myself.
this genuinely feels like one of the only actual women's spaces on reddit because this is a genuine aspect of our experiences
pseudo women's subs that get taken over by men are all over the place, and they're the first to smother threads like this with notAllMen astroturfing crap
Take an in depth self defense class like Impact or krav maga.
Buy pepper spray or a Birdie personal alarm or invisawear jewelry
I'm so sorry that happened to your partner.💌
Here's some little bits of knowledge to really set in how fragile all bodies really are. The force it takes to crush a grape is the force it takes to crush a man's testicle. You can bite a carrot with the same force to bite through a finger. Paper towel rolls have the same fragility as the human throat. It only takes fifteen pounds of force to severely destroy a man testicles (Two different testicle ones, maybe try one of of each on both idk. 😅). Lastly and my personal favorite. You can rip a man's thingading off. Yep you can RIP it off with your bare hands. Also you could apply one of the previous ones with the carrot, I assume it's easier to bite through if need be than a finger bone. That or just go for the eyes.
Though I'd recommend most of these as a last measure, and just as a thought should a situation turn desperate. Definitely recommend self defense, a smaller person can take down a larger one with the right techniques.
My partner actually tore into her attacker's junk with her nails when he whipped it out to the point where he needed immediate medical attention after the fact and that's how she got away before it got even worse. So... proof of concept right there I guess? 😅
Reading this made me a little too giddy. Happy Holidays. 😅
It's horrible, and I wouldn't have blamed her for a second if she hadn't gotten away at all. But I can't help but be a little proud of that one, for sure. I've never understood why she keeps getting acrylics but now I'm like... you keep 'em, babe lol
Literally my thoughts. I'm a 5'0 95 pound woman. I'm done living in constant hypervigilance. I started to feel suicidal simply because of my gender and body, knowing that everywhere I'll go I'll feel like some hunted prey animal.