Due to an uptick in posts that invariably revolve around "look what this transphobic or racist asshole said on twitter/in reddit comments" we have enabled this reminder on every post for the time being.
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Amazon clothes are ass but they were the easiest way for me to get girl clothes when I started transitions. Even if theyāre not good quality I almost cried when I put on a skirt for the first time
Honestly I still wear some Amazon v-necks, a few pairs of drawstring linen pants, and a set of slacks on the reg. It's hit-or-miss, mostly miss, but sometimes you find a good brand or a good piece.
It depends imho, you can get some quality thigh highs on there but you need a keen eye. You want the ones that are 75cm long and have this ribbed top end (you'll see it when you see it)
Lots of people fall in love with someone and then they grow and change as people and not together as they didnt learn how to have a truely healthy relationship growing up
As someone fresh out of a horrible relationship. They need to agree with that statement and not everyone who says it has the emotional maturity and mental fortitude to follow through š¤£
The point is people come out after decades of being in relationships. I feel like Iām taking crazy pills or is everyone on here just too young ? Iām only 30 ffs
43 here - these are the things you most need to talk about with your partner. If you're afraid to do it for fear of their reaction, there's something wrong with your relationship with them that needs to be examined closely.
No shit and you can say that about all the relationships trans people go though. Are you trans? Did you come out late in life? If not then shut the fuck up
Yeah, actually. I've been on Testosterone for a little bit over a year now.
I was terrified of telling my current partner, because my ex husband (alcoholic, abusive, I left him and he died of liver failure) was so fucking intent on me being female that I was smothered and severely traumatized, both mentally and sexually. His friends - who were also abusive people - tried to slander my name. Puppetted his Twitter account for a month to hide that he'd died from me. Tried to tell everyone that I drove him to drink, and I'm his murderer.
My current partner was wholly supportive. We've had a few bumps along the way, but he's incredible and not going anywhere.
Not everyone who is trans or into cross dressing or anything else that they may be in the closet about necessary knows about that at the point of marrying someone.
i'm comfortable around my family and know that they're going to accept who i am. but i still haven't come out to them all yet! coming out, regardless of trust, is fucking scary!!
Girlfriend sure, but your wife??Ā There is definitely a level of accountability by marrying someone you never had those kinds of conversations with.Ā Shocker there are hidden asshole traits to your wife because you never properly spoke to her.
If you know your wife is only attracted to men, and you realize after you married her that you may not actually be a man, then you're not just talking about being understanding of each other at that point, you're talking about potentially ending a marriage with someone you love because of something that's out of your control. It's a terrifying conversation to have to have, and no one should be forced into it before they're ready
sounds unfair to the wife to keep that information from her, tbh. "ending the marriage" so what, she should be duped into staying married?? what's your fucking endgame here.
People don't always make rational decisions when it comes to their emotions. Not defending the behaviour, but you're saying this like you're critiquing a horror movie protag for investigating the spooky noise. Sometimes people do stupid or selfish things.
well it would be a good baby's first step to acknowledge that the behavior is stupid or selfish. prev made it seem like something they were entitled to keep to themselves from their partner
I think a more charitable interpretation of their intent was that they're not necessarily entitled to keep it a secret, but it is understandable why they would. Plus depending on a person's circumstances, coming out and subsequently ending a marriage can have potentially devastating and life-ruining consequences. On the other hand for the partner there are also consequences to being with someone who is trying to repress a part of their identity and keeping things a secret, but sometimes the timeline of when someone figures things out and works up to the point of deciding on an initial course of action doesn't always line up with other life events.
I dunno man, I just think maybe we shouldn't force people into making all-or-nothing decisions about their entire lives the second they start questioning their gender. Hot fuckin take apparently
Alternate universe Latvia where Jack White and his sister had such a profound cultural impact on the country that the nation wished to forever enshrine their importance in a small but significant way
Pretty fucking crazy seeing people with the trans pride flag talking shit about this person for lying to their wife about secret gender feelings.
Did y'all forget that coming out as trans was a scary experience because you weren't sure if the people in your life would still love and accept you?
Did y'all forget that there is a society level conditioning that primes bigotry towards queer people and is used to systematically limit their opportunities to participate in society?
Like, yeah it's not great to hide things from your SO, but maybe don't pretend this occured in a vaccum ffs.
I mean you're completely right, I think a lot of trans people here are just so long out of the closet and comfortable here that they forget that not everyone has a queer-accepting partner already if they one at all
I think the big thing is no one really knows if they hate this and a lot of people here frustrated with it are operating under the assumption that OOP knows every thought and feeling their wife may have. Their partner may not be super vocal about this particular subject, so OOP may not know their stance, and that can be a scary thing to question when they want to try exploring this. People super often hide things out of the fear of what might be without knowing what is.
Even if you donāt choose family you do choose to stay around them (unless youāre dependent on them) and a lot of people stay in the closet around people theyāre close to.
The real question is why would you order something that your wife isnāt allowed to see to the adress that she also lives at? What was their plan exactly?
Sure, I understand that some people go through the process of cross dressing before accepting theyāre trans. I personally didnāt, but some do.
But why assume this person is trans? They donāt say that they were questioning their gender. Cross dressing here is specifically about identifying as a man but dressing as a woman. If youāre into cross dressing and donāt tell your wife, thatās like hiding a hobby or a kink.
Cross dressing is an expression of gender non-conformity.
You're partner is not entitled to knowledge of kinks/hobbies if you feel uncomfortable sharing them.
My ex-wife was not accepting of me having my own sex toys so when her and I were together how TF could I be comfortable talking to her about wanting to wear women's clothing if she's already made it clear that she wants me to get rid of my dildos because "it's weird if her 'husband' likes receiving anal".
So instead I had to do it in secret and due to not having the acceptance from my partner at the time during that marriage I was in denial about myself and was miserable the whole damn time until fast forward 4ish years and 1 divorce and I finally had someone in my life who did accept me as trans and even called me out on being a closeted trans woman early on in our relationship.
With my ex wife, it felt like me being queer would annihilate any chances I had at a well lived life. With a queer partner it was a lot easier to not give a shit about how others feel and just do what I need to do for me.
This isn't a black and white scenario, and there are extensive details into my situation that I couldn't hope to put to words in completion. But there was a lot of nuance with why the decisions I made were what they were and how I ended up married to someone who didn't support me (in short she made up a fake personality that she immediately discarded after we were legally married at which point she became abusive and controlling).
But according to you, by your logic, even though my ex wife mislead me, abused me, ostracized me, etc. I'm the one in the wrong for exploring my gender behind her back.
My logic wouldnāt apply to you since youāve said theyāre your ex. Iām more wondering why you would stay with someone who hates you for your hobby?
I understand trans eggs can crack kinda out of nowhere. Mine did at 22 when I was already 4 years into a relationship. But cross dressing and being trans arenāt the same thing.
It would apply; do you think they immediately split up with their ex? It took years for them. Maybe we can give a little grace to the first-time thigh-high wearer OOP
why you would stay with someone who hates you for your hobby?
Because of generations of social conditioning that has forced you into being ashamed of it combined with a historical context of severe social and/or existential consequences if anyone discovers it.
Likely, the OOP didn't ever divulge this to their partner due to that fear.
Possibly OOP has internalized their gender non-conformity and convinced themselves it's just a shameful sex thing (I say this because I did for years before coming out).
wouldnāt apply to you since youāve said theyāre your ex.
You realize that in order for them to be my ex-wife I would have to have been in a relationship with them and while in that relationship due to being made to feel ashamed of my sexuality I hid it.
For all we know OOP's partner has said in passing some things that make OOP feel unsafe in sharing this with their partner. Maybe right now that partner is putting together a plan to abandon them whilst outing them to their family and friends. Maybe a handful of weeks from now OOPA will be isolated and ostracized by the support system they had around them their entire life.
But cross dressing and being trans arenāt the same thing
No shit. But guess what, before I accepted my identity as a trans woman I was more comfortable with exploring cross dressing, but due to the circumstances I've gone to great lengths to repeat ad nauseum, I did it in secret.
You don't know this person's situation. You don't know what they are going through. So maybe, use some gotdamned nuance instead of anchoring yourself in a single way of thinking and refusing to acknowledge that you have no way to make a determination on the qualities or quantities of variables present.
if you arent ready to come out about something you should be allowed to do it at your own pace, obviously it would be better for both parties to tell the other but being able to get comfortable in the new identity is important
If you have to hide things from your partner for fear of their reaction, you either have trauma that you need to deal with OR your relationship is toxic.
Sorry you got the second one, and now have the first due to it.
Or ya know....the context of living in a society where being queer could put your life and livelihood in danger.
your relationship is toxic
Woah! You mean to tell me my ex-wife who after we were legally married started physically abusing me, controlling every aspect of my appearance, forcing me to make medical decisions irregardless of my desired outcomes, and went to great pains to isolate me from friends and family was toxic???
The fuck kinda armchair psych-eval reddit bullshit is that.
I'm annoyed that I have to keep repeating myself and find your initial response to contribute so little to the discussion and fails to show any level of reading comprehension, so I responded in a facetious tone because the only response appropriate for such a useless contribution is dismissive mockery.
I get it, trust me. I've got so much goddamn anxiety from my past experiences (feel free to see my other comments on this thread) and trauma that's happened to me in my life.
But when it's your partner - the person you want to be with for life, *right?* - they deserve to know your whole true self, and for you to know them wholly. That's the whole point of having a life partner, of having that one person who will have your back. A burden shared is a burden eased, and all that.
It's hard as hell, but they deserve to know. And in knowing, and understanding, and loving, you grow closer to eachother and strengthen your relationship.
It's so fucking hard, but it's so fucking worth it. It's worth pursuing.
Nobody is entitled to that knowledge regardless of the title of the relationship they hold. Is it generally better to be in a relationship with someone you feel safe around to have open communication? Absolutely. But not everyone achieves that, including but not limited to married people.
I think "they deserve to know" isn't quite the right wording. I took it more as "it's probably not healthy to keep secrets from your life partner" rather than "they need to tell them because the spouse is entitled to that information"
I told you not to psycho analyze me, you taking that as a demand to not talk to me says a lot.
Going "oh you seem angry" in response to being confronted for your own shitty believes is dismissive and rude. If you don't want to have others be dismissive and rude towards you in turn, change how you treat others.
You don't have any right to make moral judgments towards me, OOP, or practically any stranger online when all you have available to build an idea of them is a tiny sliver of a fraction of their lives through a single post online or a comment they made.
Your armchair reddit phycologist schitck is objectively harmful and alludes to you having some pretty shitty ways of viewing others and their experiences. Real holier than thou shit. Maybe work on that before going on Reddit to assign moral frameworks for others and making claims of their mental health.
It's hard as hell, but they deserve to know. And in knowing, and understanding, and loving, you grow closer to eachother and strengthen your relationship.
I totally agree, like you said it can still be difficult though. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be together or anything, just that they weren't ready to have the conversation yet
I can't understand why someone would get into a relationship with someone who can't be trusted enough to share that you're into wearing thigh highs or whatever. But then again I'm aromantic so I don't understand relationships in general.
Adding onto your points, it's also pretty strange to assume humans are consistent. There have been so many stories of families and friends being outwardly supportive towards queer folks, but the second it happens to their child/spouse/immediate family, suddenly they show their true colours and start being very homophobic/transphobic.
I'm getting a weird vibe with some comments not having empathy or sympathy, it's pretty common to have an interest that you feel might be shunned by society or that is embarrassing where you feel like you can't share it even to the people closest to you. Plenty of TV shows have story arcs like that as well
Are people even expected to inform there wife everytime they purchase a pair of socks? "Im sorry i kept this grave secret from you... this morning I bought gum at dollar tree."
I get the joke is that his wife caught him crossdressing because the package is transparent. However im responding to the above comment which is refrencing the other comments here who seem bothered by the fact that he didnt share the sock purchase information with his wife upfront.
Its almost like some kind of social interaction and media engine was built by evil demons to extract as much cash from us as possible while making us reactionary and quick to anger and outrage because it makes slightly more money than making people happy
Stings like hell every time I think about how tech billionaires have pretty much social engineered massive widespread social isolationism and fine tuned machinery to nourish adversarial relationships between those who should stand in solidarity in order to harness that division and advance themselves towards a goal of total ownership of the labor class and complete control of tools for dissemination of information/resources to all of us busy ripping each other apart for not meeting the exact moral framework we've decided is the right one.
and for some reason it's totally OK to harm people and children, as long as profits increase, as those profits are shared with lawmakers who have a team of humans to manage their social media experience so it's pretty much just surplus value of your labor/flesh all the way down
Well... corporations are people my friend...people who the supreme Court has repeatedly allowed to kill and harm people as long as it was in the pursuit of profits.
Someone falls into an open active foundry because the factory owner wanted to save money on a safety rail, that's not manslaughter by negligence, it's just a little whoopsie doo pay a fine and send a fruit basket to the family (as long as fruit baskets don't impact profit margins that is), and don't worry about having to pay to install a guardrail, they'll likely get the standard 5-10 years to resolve safety concerns and just pass the buck to next guy, who will likely get an extension on that court requirement due to corporate rebalancing. Rinse and repeat.
Its not gender war, there is no war between genders. Men and women's material concerns do not diverge meaninfully, and I am straight up a gender abolitionist. The problem is that a substantial portion of ostensibly progressive people are unwilling to extend the same liberatory concepts they readily apply to women to men. It's why trans men are being forced out of trans spaces right now. It's why, if you look at the numbers, women are more comfortable identifying as queer than men. People have allowed a form of gender essentialism to creep back in, that men are inherently predatory, inherently less deserving of support, inherently politically and socially and sexually corrupt, etc.
you can't imagine why someone in a homophobic and transphobic society might not want to immediately share their cross dressing with someone that you have no idea the political views of or how safe she is? I can't imagine having trans rights as your sticker and chastising someone for being forcibly outed about about an aspect of their identity.
It's different when it's your wife. You're supposed to be able to share those things with the person you're married to, or do people just marry each other pi there and figure stuff out later?
yes? Do you know this woman? Do you know this man? Lots of people can be pressured to marry by family, can just follow along an expected line of their life, can marry someone who isn't very safe around gay stuff and only realise later that they like cross dressing or they're trans, this is very common? Whatever reason this guy had for not telling his wife yet, it's awful to be forcibly outed
'Forcibly outted' by a package is pretty intense phrasing.
They ordered it to their home where they both live, if they were really trying to keep it a secret they could have picked it up from amazon lockers, shopped in person somewhere.
I have a hard time believing the story is legit at all simply because what married couple doesn't share an amazon account together ?
One who has issues like this? If I'm ordering anything im assuming it's coming in a cardboard box. I'm not placing the blame on amazon, but yeah the person was forcibly outed to their wife, by their own carelessness maybe but it's the lack of empathy for them I'm concerned with
Every person has the right and is fully entitled to do things on their own, ideally youād share everything with your partner, but itās perfectly ok to keep some things to yourself.
Wait, is this saying all women's clothing should be sold shipped in anonymous black bags because what if cross dressers in abusive situations buy them? That doesn't appear to make much sense
If youāre gonna keep secrets you need to learn to lie. Also Amazon has an option that days āship in original packagingā if you donāt select that it comes in a normal Amazon bag
iirc that depends cause amazon sellers can either ship their stock to amazon fulfilment centre or do all shipping themselves which never comes in an amazon box
It isnāt that simple and we donāt know the context of their relationship or who they are as people
Did he start cross dressing AFTER getting married? Idk. Did the subject of cross dressing ever even come up in any discussion? Idk. Did the wife make her views on femininity in men known? Idk
Too many questions that we cannot answer. Keep in mind, in the past (and even know) it wasnāt uncommon for gay people to marry the opposite sex purely due to societal pressure and personal safety reasons. OOP could also be in that scenario too and we have no idea
or ship to an amazon locker and pick it up yourself, that godforsaken website sucks but it gives you some convenient options if you really need to be sneaky
I can wholeheartedly endorse sockdreams. They have a completely discreet option that even uses a different company name on the packaging if you want it. They're a little pricier but they last WAY longer and are just higher quality than basically anything lese ive found. They've got all kinds of styles and sizes too so make sure you measure and get ones that will be just the height you want. For me they were the only ones that would actually get thigh-high on my long legs.
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shottemporarily banned and called a nerd. Please report offending posts. As always, moderator discretion applies since not everything reported actually falls within that circle of awful behavior.I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Not because of this, but because the quality is ass and they look bad
Also, pretty sure that post is a joke. Not saying this doesn't happen, but that this one in particular isn't supposed to be serious.
Fuck, I'm saying post instead of tweet. We have to get rid of Musk.
me in the shower:
No more happy smell š„ŗš
I mean, āpostā is the general term for something uploaded to social media.
Plus tw*tter never deserved special treatment letās be real. It has been a cancerous growth on the internet since its inception.
Itās just amazing that a businessman would absolutely destroy such potent brand recognition.
A joke?
Amazon clothes are ass but they were the easiest way for me to get girl clothes when I started transitions. Even if theyāre not good quality I almost cried when I put on a skirt for the first time
Honestly I still wear some Amazon v-necks, a few pairs of drawstring linen pants, and a set of slacks on the reg. It's hit-or-miss, mostly miss, but sometimes you find a good brand or a good piece.
ngl, i thought those were imitation crab sticks at first
It depends imho, you can get some quality thigh highs on there but you need a keen eye. You want the ones that are 75cm long and have this ribbed top end (you'll see it when you see it)
Wifey is not mad, just disappointed.
Deadass, buy from Temu, if you must buy from Amazon
Its the same stuff, it sjust cheaper on Temu
tbh some are okay, as long as you're willing to buy anything that isnt the cheapest junk. for some clothes its kinda the only place you can get them.
Quality isn't bad as long as you buy actual clothing instead of Amazon basics Astolfo cosplay
okay but genuinely - where else do you actually buy dolphin shorts and crop top hoodies and thigh highs??
[deleted]
Yes?
Lots of people fall in love with someone and then they grow and change as people and not together as they didnt learn how to have a truely healthy relationship growing up
thank jod I'm aro
I wouldnt trade it away, its extremely nice when it goes well but it's definitely overhyped
Yeah you donāt really have to worry about this happening as long as youāre open and honest with your partner.
As someone fresh out of a horrible relationship. They need to agree with that statement and not everyone who says it has the emotional maturity and mental fortitude to follow through š¤£
hello fellow aro person on the internet
Whoās jod?
jod ma-...
I wish I was aro
The Am I Overracting subreddit made me question what percentage of straight people actually LIKE their partners
Those are all bots and kids
I'm sure there's some depressed divorced folks on there, too
You're depressed? Grounds for immediate divorce. Leave him, sweaty. -those subs
Someone not understanding what the closet is on my trans subreddit ???
the point is why would you marry someone you felt like you had to be in the closet around
edit: wow who made this comment they are very wrong
Thereās not really even a closet here. They donāt say ātrans,ā they say ācross dressingā
Yes you can be a closeted cross dresser.
The point is people come out after decades of being in relationships. I feel like Iām taking crazy pills or is everyone on here just too young ? Iām only 30 ffs
43 here - these are the things you most need to talk about with your partner. If you're afraid to do it for fear of their reaction, there's something wrong with your relationship with them that needs to be examined closely.
No shit and you can say that about all the relationships trans people go though. Are you trans? Did you come out late in life? If not then shut the fuck up
Wow, so aggressive.
Yeah, actually. I've been on Testosterone for a little bit over a year now.
I was terrified of telling my current partner, because my ex husband (alcoholic, abusive, I left him and he died of liver failure) was so fucking intent on me being female that I was smothered and severely traumatized, both mentally and sexually. His friends - who were also abusive people - tried to slander my name. Puppetted his Twitter account for a month to hide that he'd died from me. Tried to tell everyone that I drove him to drink, and I'm his murderer.
My current partner was wholly supportive. We've had a few bumps along the way, but he's incredible and not going anywhere.
Care to know anything else about my history..?
Sure, and the first person Iād talk to about it would be my partner???
Not everyone who is trans or into cross dressing or anything else that they may be in the closet about necessary knows about that at the point of marrying someone.
i'm comfortable around my family and know that they're going to accept who i am. but i still haven't come out to them all yet! coming out, regardless of trust, is fucking scary!!
The problem with internalized transphobia is sometimes it makes the closet youāre stuck in invisible to you.
Maybe they didnāt realize they were in the closet when they got married?
Girlfriend sure, but your wife??Ā There is definitely a level of accountability by marrying someone you never had those kinds of conversations with.Ā Shocker there are hidden asshole traits to your wife because you never properly spoke to her.
If you know your wife is only attracted to men, and you realize after you married her that you may not actually be a man, then you're not just talking about being understanding of each other at that point, you're talking about potentially ending a marriage with someone you love because of something that's out of your control. It's a terrifying conversation to have to have, and no one should be forced into it before they're ready
sounds unfair to the wife to keep that information from her, tbh. "ending the marriage" so what, she should be duped into staying married?? what's your fucking endgame here.
People don't always make rational decisions when it comes to their emotions. Not defending the behaviour, but you're saying this like you're critiquing a horror movie protag for investigating the spooky noise. Sometimes people do stupid or selfish things.
well it would be a good baby's first step to acknowledge that the behavior is stupid or selfish. prev made it seem like something they were entitled to keep to themselves from their partner
I think a more charitable interpretation of their intent was that they're not necessarily entitled to keep it a secret, but it is understandable why they would. Plus depending on a person's circumstances, coming out and subsequently ending a marriage can have potentially devastating and life-ruining consequences. On the other hand for the partner there are also consequences to being with someone who is trying to repress a part of their identity and keeping things a secret, but sometimes the timeline of when someone figures things out and works up to the point of deciding on an initial course of action doesn't always line up with other life events.
I dunno man, I just think maybe we shouldn't force people into making all-or-nothing decisions about their entire lives the second they start questioning their gender. Hot fuckin take apparently
God forbid a boy not want to share his leg bacon
It could also be a new development that you want to sort out first before you discuss. Like knowing first before you commit
Dr Seuss ass colors
Put it in, I'm wearing stockings. Put it in, the clock's tick-tocking.
It's also giving Where's Waldo
I thought it was a package of that gum Big Red is always compared to in the commercial
https://preview.redd.it/0mvwkzkitm6g1.jpeg?width=256&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3880849fc7d673d9b61db0600982bad7cb57cda4
Latvia from an alternate universe in which the white stripe is thicker than the rest
Alternate universe Latvia where Jack White and his sister had such a profound cultural impact on the country that the nation wished to forever enshrine their importance in a small but significant way
"sister"
HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOW I LEARNED THEY WERENT SIBLINGS BUT LITERALLY MARRIED????
My mom always decorates her house in red and white for all of December.
I'm 100% gonna steal this line for whenever I visit her for Christmas.
Pretty fucking crazy seeing people with the trans pride flag talking shit about this person for lying to their wife about secret gender feelings.
Did y'all forget that coming out as trans was a scary experience because you weren't sure if the people in your life would still love and accept you?
Did y'all forget that there is a society level conditioning that primes bigotry towards queer people and is used to systematically limit their opportunities to participate in society?
Like, yeah it's not great to hide things from your SO, but maybe don't pretend this occured in a vaccum ffs.
I mean you're completely right, I think a lot of trans people here are just so long out of the closet and comfortable here that they forget that not everyone has a queer-accepting partner already if they one at all
Without weighing in one way or the other I think the frustration is more "why would you stay with someone who hates who you really are"
I think the big thing is no one really knows if they hate this and a lot of people here frustrated with it are operating under the assumption that OOP knows every thought and feeling their wife may have. Their partner may not be super vocal about this particular subject, so OOP may not know their stance, and that can be a scary thing to question when they want to try exploring this. People super often hide things out of the fear of what might be without knowing what is.
Doesnāt that also apply to friends and family?
Even if you donāt choose family you do choose to stay around them (unless youāre dependent on them) and a lot of people stay in the closet around people theyāre close to.
But tons of trans people really do leave their unaccepting family as soon as they're not dependent on them
That doesnāt make it ok to shit on people who donāt
The real question is why would you order something that your wife isnāt allowed to see to the adress that she also lives at? What was their plan exactly?
Usually it comes in a package??
queer unaccepting people shouldn't be anyone's partner to begin with, to be blunt. that's where the frustration really comes from imo
Sure, I understand that some people go through the process of cross dressing before accepting theyāre trans. I personally didnāt, but some do.
But why assume this person is trans? They donāt say that they were questioning their gender. Cross dressing here is specifically about identifying as a man but dressing as a woman. If youāre into cross dressing and donāt tell your wife, thatās like hiding a hobby or a kink.
Cross dressing is an expression of gender non-conformity.
You're partner is not entitled to knowledge of kinks/hobbies if you feel uncomfortable sharing them.
My ex-wife was not accepting of me having my own sex toys so when her and I were together how TF could I be comfortable talking to her about wanting to wear women's clothing if she's already made it clear that she wants me to get rid of my dildos because "it's weird if her 'husband' likes receiving anal".
So instead I had to do it in secret and due to not having the acceptance from my partner at the time during that marriage I was in denial about myself and was miserable the whole damn time until fast forward 4ish years and 1 divorce and I finally had someone in my life who did accept me as trans and even called me out on being a closeted trans woman early on in our relationship.
With my ex wife, it felt like me being queer would annihilate any chances I had at a well lived life. With a queer partner it was a lot easier to not give a shit about how others feel and just do what I need to do for me.
This isn't a black and white scenario, and there are extensive details into my situation that I couldn't hope to put to words in completion. But there was a lot of nuance with why the decisions I made were what they were and how I ended up married to someone who didn't support me (in short she made up a fake personality that she immediately discarded after we were legally married at which point she became abusive and controlling).
But according to you, by your logic, even though my ex wife mislead me, abused me, ostracized me, etc. I'm the one in the wrong for exploring my gender behind her back.
My logic wouldnāt apply to you since youāve said theyāre your ex. Iām more wondering why you would stay with someone who hates you for your hobby?
I understand trans eggs can crack kinda out of nowhere. Mine did at 22 when I was already 4 years into a relationship. But cross dressing and being trans arenāt the same thing.
It would apply; do you think they immediately split up with their ex? It took years for them. Maybe we can give a little grace to the first-time thigh-high wearer OOP
Because of generations of social conditioning that has forced you into being ashamed of it combined with a historical context of severe social and/or existential consequences if anyone discovers it.
Likely, the OOP didn't ever divulge this to their partner due to that fear.
Possibly OOP has internalized their gender non-conformity and convinced themselves it's just a shameful sex thing (I say this because I did for years before coming out).
You realize that in order for them to be my ex-wife I would have to have been in a relationship with them and while in that relationship due to being made to feel ashamed of my sexuality I hid it.
For all we know OOP's partner has said in passing some things that make OOP feel unsafe in sharing this with their partner. Maybe right now that partner is putting together a plan to abandon them whilst outing them to their family and friends. Maybe a handful of weeks from now OOPA will be isolated and ostracized by the support system they had around them their entire life.
No shit. But guess what, before I accepted my identity as a trans woman I was more comfortable with exploring cross dressing, but due to the circumstances I've gone to great lengths to repeat ad nauseum, I did it in secret.
You don't know this person's situation. You don't know what they are going through. So maybe, use some gotdamned nuance instead of anchoring yourself in a single way of thinking and refusing to acknowledge that you have no way to make a determination on the qualities or quantities of variables present.
if you arent ready to come out about something you should be allowed to do it at your own pace, obviously it would be better for both parties to tell the other but being able to get comfortable in the new identity is important
If you have to hide things from your partner for fear of their reaction, you either have trauma that you need to deal with OR your relationship is toxic.
Sorry you got the second one, and now have the first due to it.
Either way, it's not normal or okay.
Or ya know....the context of living in a society where being queer could put your life and livelihood in danger.
Woah! You mean to tell me my ex-wife who after we were legally married started physically abusing me, controlling every aspect of my appearance, forcing me to make medical decisions irregardless of my desired outcomes, and went to great pains to isolate me from friends and family was toxic???
Far out stuff man!
I hope things get better for you. You seem pretty angry still, which is understandable.
The fuck kinda armchair psych-eval reddit bullshit is that.
I'm annoyed that I have to keep repeating myself and find your initial response to contribute so little to the discussion and fails to show any level of reading comprehension, so I responded in a facetious tone because the only response appropriate for such a useless contribution is dismissive mockery.
Don't even @ me
Or it's just anxiety. It's not a black and white topic.
I get it, trust me. I've got so much goddamn anxiety from my past experiences (feel free to see my other comments on this thread) and trauma that's happened to me in my life.
But when it's your partner - the person you want to be with for life, *right?* - they deserve to know your whole true self, and for you to know them wholly. That's the whole point of having a life partner, of having that one person who will have your back. A burden shared is a burden eased, and all that.
It's hard as hell, but they deserve to know. And in knowing, and understanding, and loving, you grow closer to eachother and strengthen your relationship.
It's so fucking hard, but it's so fucking worth it. It's worth pursuing.
Edit: reddit butchered some formatting
Nobody is entitled to that knowledge regardless of the title of the relationship they hold. Is it generally better to be in a relationship with someone you feel safe around to have open communication? Absolutely. But not everyone achieves that, including but not limited to married people.
I think "they deserve to know" isn't quite the right wording. I took it more as "it's probably not healthy to keep secrets from your life partner" rather than "they need to tell them because the spouse is entitled to that information"
Please just disengage from me. You seem really angry.
You asked me to not respond to you, but you're continuing to reply to me.
I told you not to psycho analyze me, you taking that as a demand to not talk to me says a lot.
Going "oh you seem angry" in response to being confronted for your own shitty believes is dismissive and rude. If you don't want to have others be dismissive and rude towards you in turn, change how you treat others.
You don't have any right to make moral judgments towards me, OOP, or practically any stranger online when all you have available to build an idea of them is a tiny sliver of a fraction of their lives through a single post online or a comment they made.
Your armchair reddit phycologist schitck is objectively harmful and alludes to you having some pretty shitty ways of viewing others and their experiences. Real holier than thou shit. Maybe work on that before going on Reddit to assign moral frameworks for others and making claims of their mental health.
I totally agree, like you said it can still be difficult though. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be together or anything, just that they weren't ready to have the conversation yet
Hopefully it'll be okay for the OP from twitter, and they're in a safe relationship.
I can't understand why someone would get into a relationship with someone who can't be trusted enough to share that you're into wearing thigh highs or whatever. But then again I'm aromantic so I don't understand relationships in general.
Typically you don't learn those things until you are already locked in and committed.
Woah, nuanced opinion? On the internet?
You're going to be stoned to death immediately :3
Adding onto your points, it's also pretty strange to assume humans are consistent. There have been so many stories of families and friends being outwardly supportive towards queer folks, but the second it happens to their child/spouse/immediate family, suddenly they show their true colours and start being very homophobic/transphobic.
I'm getting a weird vibe with some comments not having empathy or sympathy, it's pretty common to have an interest that you feel might be shunned by society or that is embarrassing where you feel like you can't share it even to the people closest to you. Plenty of TV shows have story arcs like that as well
Exactly. Thank you.
My own partner has a very liberal family that is so tolerant of the gays but behind closed doors they try to convince her to detransition.
Like, I wouldn't ever have known their true views if not for a more personal connection giving me that insight.
Agreed, there's obviously some air in that bag.
Are people even expected to inform there wife everytime they purchase a pair of socks? "Im sorry i kept this grave secret from you... this morning I bought gum at dollar tree."
I feel like you are missing the point of the initial conflict to a tremendous degree.
I get the joke is that his wife caught him crossdressing because the package is transparent. However im responding to the above comment which is refrencing the other comments here who seem bothered by the fact that he didnt share the sock purchase information with his wife upfront.
I ...ya know what....sure
I think people are just reacting to dishonesty
Yes they are using a gut reaction to make a moral judgement.
One might call that behavior.... reactionary perhaps?
Its almost like some kind of social interaction and media engine was built by evil demons to extract as much cash from us as possible while making us reactionary and quick to anger and outrage because it makes slightly more money than making people happy
Fucking hell, if that ain't the gotdamned truth.
Stings like hell every time I think about how tech billionaires have pretty much social engineered massive widespread social isolationism and fine tuned machinery to nourish adversarial relationships between those who should stand in solidarity in order to harness that division and advance themselves towards a goal of total ownership of the labor class and complete control of tools for dissemination of information/resources to all of us busy ripping each other apart for not meeting the exact moral framework we've decided is the right one.
and for some reason it's totally OK to harm people and children, as long as profits increase, as those profits are shared with lawmakers who have a team of humans to manage their social media experience so it's pretty much just surplus value of your labor/flesh all the way down
Well... corporations are people my friend...people who the supreme Court has repeatedly allowed to kill and harm people as long as it was in the pursuit of profits.
Someone falls into an open active foundry because the factory owner wanted to save money on a safety rail, that's not manslaughter by negligence, it's just a little whoopsie doo pay a fine and send a fruit basket to the family (as long as fruit baskets don't impact profit margins that is), and don't worry about having to pay to install a guardrail, they'll likely get the standard 5-10 years to resolve safety concerns and just pass the buck to next guy, who will likely get an extension on that court requirement due to corporate rebalancing. Rinse and repeat.
No no, you don't get it. Its a man hiding something from his wife, which is fundamentally abusive no matter the context or dynamic.
Yeah I'm not gonna agree that that is what's happening here.
I think it's a natural gut reaction to think hiding things from your partner, regardless of gender, is inherently problematic.
Please don't attempt to utilize my statement as a way of platforming your gender war bullshit, thanks.
Its not gender war, there is no war between genders. Men and women's material concerns do not diverge meaninfully, and I am straight up a gender abolitionist. The problem is that a substantial portion of ostensibly progressive people are unwilling to extend the same liberatory concepts they readily apply to women to men. It's why trans men are being forced out of trans spaces right now. It's why, if you look at the numbers, women are more comfortable identifying as queer than men. People have allowed a form of gender essentialism to creep back in, that men are inherently predatory, inherently less deserving of support, inherently politically and socially and sexually corrupt, etc.
Ok buddy, sure thing š
I'm going to just block you at this point because I don't have the patience to listen to gender war schlock.
just say itās that fuckass sweater where's waldo wears
Just don't buy things from Amazon full stop. And don't hide things from your wife.
you can't imagine why someone in a homophobic and transphobic society might not want to immediately share their cross dressing with someone that you have no idea the political views of or how safe she is? I can't imagine having trans rights as your sticker and chastising someone for being forcibly outed about about an aspect of their identity.
It's different when it's your wife. You're supposed to be able to share those things with the person you're married to, or do people just marry each other pi there and figure stuff out later?
yes? Do you know this woman? Do you know this man? Lots of people can be pressured to marry by family, can just follow along an expected line of their life, can marry someone who isn't very safe around gay stuff and only realise later that they like cross dressing or they're trans, this is very common? Whatever reason this guy had for not telling his wife yet, it's awful to be forcibly outed
'Forcibly outted' by a package is pretty intense phrasing.
They ordered it to their home where they both live, if they were really trying to keep it a secret they could have picked it up from amazon lockers, shopped in person somewhere.
I have a hard time believing the story is legit at all simply because what married couple doesn't share an amazon account together ?
One who has issues like this? If I'm ordering anything im assuming it's coming in a cardboard box. I'm not placing the blame on amazon, but yeah the person was forcibly outed to their wife, by their own carelessness maybe but it's the lack of empathy for them I'm concerned with
Quite a few actually. It's pretty common to have a split in finances. Not everything needs to be done on joint accounts
Yes but if you can't share that with your spouse, your marriage is likely cooked.
I'm not to defending anyone. People sometimes are in relationship that are unfortunate.
Like maybe yeah? Double the reason to be empathetic to the original person
Every person has the right and is fully entitled to do things on their own, ideally youād share everything with your partner, but itās perfectly ok to keep some things to yourself.
Wait, is this saying all women's clothing should be sold shipped in anonymous black bags because what if cross dressers in abusive situations buy them? That doesn't appear to make much sense
I think it's a joke
"abusive situations" šššššššššššššššššššššš
We don't know the full details but from the sounds of it the wife isn't supportive
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lotta people in this thread seemingly not knowing itās perfectly normal to have harmless secrets even between your partner
Itās the seller that sold them like that lol
If youāre gonna keep secrets you need to learn to lie. Also Amazon has an option that days āship in original packagingā if you donāt select that it comes in a normal Amazon bag
iirc that depends cause amazon sellers can either ship their stock to amazon fulfilment centre or do all shipping themselves which never comes in an amazon box
"I bought them for you as a gift because I saw them online and thought you might find them as sexy on you as I envisioned."
Crisis averted, and if not, we got a whole other issue on our hands.
I cannot conceive of doing something in secret and not even considering the possibility I might be caught
Not to be rude, but couldn't he told her they were a gift for her? If the size isn't right, say they shipped the wrong ones.
Why be with someone that would make you feel uncomfortable for something that is harmless? being single would be better than this.
It isnāt that simple and we donāt know the context of their relationship or who they are as people
Did he start cross dressing AFTER getting married? Idk. Did the subject of cross dressing ever even come up in any discussion? Idk. Did the wife make her views on femininity in men known? Idk
Too many questions that we cannot answer. Keep in mind, in the past (and even know) it wasnāt uncommon for gay people to marry the opposite sex purely due to societal pressure and personal safety reasons. OOP could also be in that scenario too and we have no idea
Probably got with them while they also held conservatives beliefs but learned this side of themselves afterwards. Happens a lot.
I also got thigh highs and they also came in a clear bag thank GOD my family didn't question it they maybe thought it was something else
fyi if you absolutely have to buy clothes off amazon just uncheck the box that says āship in original packagingā
or ship to an amazon locker and pick it up yourself, that godforsaken website sucks but it gives you some convenient options if you really need to be sneaky
Thought it was crab meat before reading
Why would you not make sure its inconspicuous if its a problem
Just say its for your waldo Halloween costume that came late
I might be stupid, but with that packaging, I thought it was imitation crab sticks.
what is everyones problem with striped thigh highs man they are cute
Bro didn't have an excuse ready to go in advance.
Pickup lockers.
Just say they're for her.
I am so sorry OOP, I understand your pain š
I have only recently gotten up enough courage to not use Amazon š
Don't buy from Amazon period. Horrible company
Waldo
I can wholeheartedly endorse sockdreams. They have a completely discreet option that even uses a different company name on the packaging if you want it. They're a little pricier but they last WAY longer and are just higher quality than basically anything lese ive found. They've got all kinds of styles and sizes too so make sure you measure and get ones that will be just the height you want. For me they were the only ones that would actually get thigh-high on my long legs.
could have just said like. elf on shelf costume
Yeah I'll go ahead and believe this