So, I [25] have a master’s degree, I’m the only one in my family, and this is not a flex, it’s just a unfortunate reality. My mother wanted to pursue a master’s degree, but couldn’t since we needed food at the table (she is retired now, but she was a teacher and has 2 specialties and a post grad (they are different things in my country)), same thing my dad. I am an only child, and I was a planned child, so my parents saved a lot of money for my education and professional training.
The same cannot be said of my cousins; specifically: one of my aunts had five children, two from her first marriage and the other three from different relationships she had after her divorce (they are between 34 and 27 years old). The cousin in this story is the one who is 27 years old. These cousins received neither emotional nor financial support from my aunt; my grandparents, their fathers and my mom and dad took care of them as they grow up.
I'm not a competitive person, but I've noticed there's a lot of competition between me and my cousins, regardless of age. For example: I'm the only grandkid (in the whole family) with all my education from the public system – high school along with technical degree, a degree in health and a teaching degree, two postgraduate degrees in human health and now a master's degree, all from federal schools. And every time my cousins found out I got into school/college (it's necessary to pass a federal exam to get in), they ended up doing something: I've had cousins who lied to get into a public university and were later discovered and banned from entering, cousins who forged diplomas to show the family that they got into a public university or that they had obtained some public position, etc.
In this case, my cousin [27] is telling everyone that he is doing a master's degree at the same university as I.
The thing is, the master's degree at the university lasts two years, 1 and a half years is focused on classes, which are from Monday to Saturday and last from 7:00 to 18:00, a minimum of 25 books/research papers to read per week, and all the classes requires a written paper in three languages as a final exam, each research paper should be between 5 and 15 pages long, except for one annual article whose research should be 30 pages long.
He works from Monday to Friday – 8:00 to 17:00.
I know my cousin didn't get into the master's program because he didn't pass the exam nor the interview, but he signed up for a single class as a "test". These classes do exist, they are there so people can see if this master's program is what they really want to do, if the subject appeals to them. So, every week my cousin goes to the university for two hours a week for six months, and those classes ended four months ago. And since my cousin, in his own words, 'Pass the test to have this class.' (BTW There's no test, you just need to register and they call you in), he started posting memes online and posting photos of the classroom and the university, talking about how difficult it was to be a master's student, how he couldn't wait to be called a ‘master’, and how he was going to start his doctorate ‘before me’.
All of our relatives think he's doing a master's degree; he's even lying to his girlfriend, whom I met last month, and that's also how I found out he was posting this on social media since I'm not very active online. And she was super excited because he said that this year he was going to finish his master's degree and would already be able to get a job at the university because a professor had opened a position for him (Which isn't true, and even if it were, it would be illegal).
I wanted to post a comment on one of his posts, something like, "Wow, we're in the same class? But I never see you." Or maybe when he posted about finishing his master's degree this year I would reply, "Don't you mean next year? Or the year after that? I didn't know your classes started. When did you pass the exam?"
I'm not jealous that he gets attention from our relatives (nothing I do gives me attention, that's why I'm not competitive, since I know I won't get any celebration or similar things (My cousin that lied about getting into university received two cars from my grandmother, and she doesn't even remember when my birthday is, so…)). What irritates me is that he's lying to everyone and he posts about it on social media as if it were the easiest thing in the world, when I had to put my life on hold to get this master's degree.
I'll accept any advice on how to deal with this; Christmas is coming and I can see things are going to go bad at the family gathering.
Edit to add:
Many people talk about me not going where my cousin is, and that's complicated, mainly because of a cultural issue. My family is very close, and we end up spending all the holidays, especially the religious and cultural ones, together. My grandparents are also quite ill and elderly, and I enjoy talking to them and I only see them during those times too.
Another point: I'm not envious of the attention; it's something I'm already used to. I'm bothered by the fact that he treats the master's degree as if it were easy when it's extremely difficult. I had friends who had to stop working and others who got divorced during this period. Again, my life had to stop so I could do my master's degree.
And my parents already know about his lies (and lies invented by other relatives of mine). It's one of the reasons we currently maintain a certain distance from part of the family. Many of our relatives have already invented lies about me and my parents. And even so, we still have contact with these relatives.
My idea was to respond to one of his posts, I didn't want to randomly start an argument; I just wanted to feign ignorance in one of his posts about being a "Jedi master, that's why he's doing a master's degree.", something like that, but I guess its a bad idea. Everyone's commenting on it and it hasn't even been an hour since the post. So I'll Just wait, someone will find out he's lying eventually. I don't think he'll learn from his mistakes, but I think this is beyond what I have to put up with.
His lies aren't your business to debunk.
So true. And it will so much more enjoyable to watch them collapse without OP having had any involvement.
Taking the high road here will be even better when OP actually completes the masters... and lying cousin is just, well, "lying cousin".
Quite delicious will be following his gf's handling of this as she comes to realize this guy she was so proud of? Is full of shit.
Then, some time off in the future, at some far off family gathering, when all of this is exposed and behind them, OP can say...
..."Hey, cousin? Whatever happened with the Masters you were trying for"?
Yep. OP will become the villain if he does. Best let this one play out all by itself. It’ll blow up soon enough.
YTD. His lies will have their own consequences in time. It's not your place to accelerate the process. It's not fair that he gets attention for achievements you have actually exceeded with no fanfare, but that's a matter of family dynamics. It does sound like you are jealous of the attention and gifts he receives, and you'd be superhuman to not be jealous, honestly. But going out of your way to expose his lies will make you the drama.
Eventually, his story will make less and less sense to the other people in your lives. At that point, people may ask you about your experience, at which point telling them the truth about how the master's program works would be totally expected, and it will result in your cousin's narrative unraveling. That's entirely different than going out of your way to expose his lies.
Oh, and a big moldy brownie for the family members heaping exultation and gifts on him and ignoring your achievements.
YWBTD if you post on it. He'll get caught in his lies soon enough. No need to get mixed up with it.
You don't have to do anything, all his lies will come out soon. Keep being the better person, don't say anything and just wait for the fallout. Probably avoid being around him if you can, maybe mention his lies to your parents though so they stop helping him if they still are.
Agreed. Let him sink his own ship and take the high road yourself. Good luck op. UpdateMe!
It seems like you have a lot of built up frustrating and resentment because of this ongoing rivalry and lack of recognition. You don't owe him a cover but i'd think about the benefits of doing this if i were you. Are you hoping for recognition? Do you want to settle this injustice? If you commented on something he were to say at dinner, you would NTD but openly exposing him with no context seems to do more harm than good in my opinion. Either way, this is his issue and it's bound to backfire at some point. Good luck with the Christmas dinner
Family problems are a recurring topic with my psychologist. I wish my relatives would also seek out mental health specialists, but they don't see the importance in it.
But yes, I can't deny that it gets frustrating after a few years.
Thank you, and I'll need all the luck I can get. Christmas and New Year's are always a difficult time. There's even been a divorce in the middle of the Christmas dinner. Something tells me that my cousin's lie might be the least of my problems.
The best form of revenge is success. Let him brag. Bragging will not get him any jobs of note but your education will. Stay silent and eventually everyone will see him for the fraud he is.
He is setting himself on fire with it, let him burn.
That's it. You don't need to do anything.
I’m a university lecturer in the U.K. I would offer my agreement with the other commenters who said text not to worry about debunking. He will eventually be found out. Love your best life and be happy.
Trust me on this, if you say anything anywhere without being asked first - you will be the bad guy. He seems to be a good enough liar so far but sooner or later he will be exposed. But because he is a favourite, if you expose him - family will turn on you.
"that's why I'm not competitive"
yeah, that's why you wrote this much about something that doesn't affect you. Your post is oozing with competitiveness, from you as much as from him. I get why you feel it sort of undermines your accomplishments, but if he's lying, everyone will know when you graduate and he doesn't, so does it really affect you in any tangible way?
I didn't mean to sound competitive, but I guess that's what happens when I try to tell my life story in a single Word document. '^^
I also don't know how to explain that I'm not envious of my cousins, since there are so many things involved. Like, over 60 years of family traumas things.
What really bothers me the most is the way he treats a master's degree as if it were something easy. Anything I say about my master's degree to a relative is automatically compared to what he doesn't experience.
But yeah, I'll let it go. Nothing's going to happen, he won't learn anything. And even if I said something, he wouldn't learn anything either.
Ugh, I have a co-worker like this. Acts like everything is so easy when literally the whole team is carrying his lazy ass. It is so annoying.
Little more than annoying- it’s wildly disrespectful & cruel
people who lie a lot are annoying, but try to view it with a little compassion, because at its core, it's kind of sad to need validationso much and not think your truth is deserving of it. Be glad you don't need to lie to seem like you have accomplished something.
I mean, it’s more than that.
If it was lying about eating the last slice of cake or sum then yeah that’s annoying.
Lying about something this big, getting pricey gifts for it is disrespectful & cruel. It’s manipulative to a disgusting degree. Plus, how will the girlfriend feel? Seems like she’s proud of her boyfriend but she’s likely gonna feel worse than he will bc she got played for a fool by the person she’s supposed to share a loving, respectful bond with.
You say you're not envious, but every syllable of your story is riddled with envy.
YTD. Butt out. You are not responsible for his lies or for him being found out. Stick to your own business.
I agree.
But it sounds like you ARE jealous. He gets praise and money and cars for nothing.
What not clear is why you pay him any mind at all; stop attending events with your cousins. Stop trying to invalidate them - even though they are lying, it doesnt elevate you.
Just live your life and forget people like this - everyone else will, because they’ll never contribute anything.
Your not going to get the satisfying gotcha moment you want. He will get found out when nothing comes of it. But you might want let the girlfriend know anonymously he is lying. Does the school have any kind of class list? Or yearly photo?
Yes, since the school is public, all documents and students are listed in publicly accessible documents.
About the girlfriend... If I'm right, I don't think they would break up because of that, or that it would make any difference. My cousin likes to date women who wont argue back. His last girlfriend only ended the relationship because her parents moved to another city, and my cousin is against long-distance relationships. She's basically seen as a witch by part of my family now, since she 'broke his heart'.
Since the situation is somewhat 'silly', a lot of people are telling me not to interfere, so I'm not going to warn her. But if he were cheating on her or something like that, I would warn her, since it's a health issue.
You’re contradicting yourself, so for clarification, have you already finished the Masters, or are you still in school? In the first line of your post, as well as the second sentence of the third paragraph you mention that you have achieved the degree, but later on state that you would like to comment that “you are in the same Masters class but never see him.” Which is it? You also mention that the one class he is in is basically only there to educate others on what the Masters program is about, not an actual Master class. If you are in/have already passed your Master program, why would you be in that class? This feels very much like you are jealous and attention seeking. It’s not a good look.
It was a typo. Sorry. I'm still finishing it. There are approximately 4 months left. The class schedule got messed up because of 2020. I'm still improving my English, and didn't notice It.
That makes more sense. However - YWBTD if you call him out. I am in a similar situation to you, I have my doctorate, I’m the only one in my family to have completed any education past high school. Most of my family didn’t finish high school either - but hey, sometimes people don’t, for their own reasons. Lately a cousin of mine has been announcing that they were accepted into the same state school that I completed my baccalaureate at, which is relatively difficult to do here without a GED or high school diploma. I know that he isn’t telling the truth, but I have nothing to gain by announcing it. Instead, I encouraged him to further his education (because it seems he really does want to achieve a degree) and offered to help him study, and left it at that.
It would definitely become (literal) drama after you call your cousin out—online, or in person. Your cousin sounds like the kind of person who would do/say anything to lash out at you if they’re cornered and your relatives may continue to stand by his lies and/or discredit you and the truth you bring.
I foresee they’ll be trying to turn the accusation back on you/start attacking you and accusing you of being jealous, in addition to a collection of other hurtful comments I do not wish to lend space to in this comment. (My spidey senses suspect your extended family espouses misogynistic/male-centric values—something typically found in south asian and middle eastern culture.)
You have to ask yourself if it’s worth doing that/being the catalyst in this situation—or whether ‘leaving things to fate’ would be a better course of action.
I’m sorry to hear that your achievements have been largely ignored/unrewarded by your relatives. I’m glad that your parents acknowledge your efforts and stand by you though!
You need to learn to simply not care. I sure wouldn't.
His lies will eventually catch up with him. And even if they don't? Who cares.
Frankly the whole family sounds like a bunch of education snobs. The most successful guy I personally know (a self-made multi-millionaire many times over) has a high school diploma. Conversely, I know one guy with two PhDs who couldn't get a job if his life depended on it. I also know two different guys with MDs and neither of them are practicing as doctors, they're both in what appear to me to be pretty dead in jobs.
Hey OP, by any chance are you from Brazil? The system you described seems very familiar to me 😂
Anyhow, don’t get involved in it, his lies will catch up to him and his reputation will be ruined. No way around it.
Give it time.
I understand your frustration, as a former master student from a federal university, I had to quit to work full time after 1 1.5 years, so I’m very familiar with how hard and how time consuming it is.
If it’s anything like here, it’s public records, who got in, who got their degree and who did not finish. So it will catch up to him.
Keep on going, keep studying, and live your best life.
Good luck!
I prefer not to say which country I'm from, but many educational systems are similar because one ends up copying ideas from the others. I speak Portuguese, Spanish/Castilian, and my native language. And thank you so much for the words of encouragement. It's a shame you weren't able to finish your master's degree; I had friends who had to stop as well. I honestly think it's a somewhat sad system, asking so much from a person that it forces them to drop out of their studies, or to quit their job, as I said, something so stressful that it was the cause of a classmate's divorce.
Let him be. Unless he has a certain level of intelligence, intuition, curiosity, creativity and determination - requisite qualities of someone perhaps deemed successful - then, he will, sure enough, dig his own grave.
He's very intelligent. All my relatives are. They just give up on things very easily. He's lived in 3 different countries, but suddenly he drops everything and comes back here. He started 3 college degrees and never finished. I think he did an online degree, that's what he says, and I want to believe him, but I'm not sure. Honestly, I only know he works because a friend of mine works with him.
Doesn't detract from his misrepresenting himself, where he seems governed by his inflated ego. Unless I'm mistaken. Question is what do you want as a solution, what do you wish to happen?
Not your circus, not your monkey. YWBTD if you try to publicly expose/embarrass him. His BS isn't really your business.
However, somebody publicly lying about a masters from a specific university and that university's hiring practices sounds like it might be the university's business. So if you feel like you really have to say something, you could anonymously inform the university. Let them decide whether or not this is worth correcting publicly instead of getting involved yourself.
ETA: I think you could also privately asked his girlfriend how her boyfriend is finding time to do [all the work required for a masters that you described] on top of his full-time job and being in a relationship. It's still not really your business, but I think the potential for this lie to harm her & her life plan justifies drawing her attention to the reason for you doubts.
I thought about doing that, but I'm afraid the professor might end up being suspended from his job. I know him, and he's one of the best professors in the course. If the university opens a case, he'll be suspended from his job and his salary will be frozen. And I know my country, a process like that takes a few years.
Why would a professor be suspended because someone lied about being a masters student? That makes no sense
YTD. I have family who are like this and everyone eventually sees them for who they are and doesn't believe them. No one says anything to their face because it's not worth the headache.
Just be sure to tell people at the gatherings what your requirements are, the times of classes and how you can't work cause it's just so much.
They'll start to wonder on their own how he's doing it with his job.
You don't need to say anything about his stuff. If anyone asks, you didn't know anything about him or his classes cause he's not in your program.
They already know about it; at every family gathering, someone asks me why I don't have a full-time job, and I explain about the hours for my master's program, but someone always interrupts me. I've kind of given up trying to explain It...
Leave it alone. It will all come out eventually.
I feel like you need to stay out of it. Don't get caught up with his mess, it's his to resolve.
Most Masters programs are 1 year, and, separately, because Masters are professional degrees many programs are designed so the student doesn't have to take a year or more off from work.
YWBTD. You should do you and let it go. It will come out eventually and blow up in his face, things like this always do. It seems like maybe you need to put some space between yourself and your cousins because like it or not, you do seem to be competitive with them and you also seem jealous of them for some reason. I would recommend taking some space and time and working thorugh that to better understand where that's coming from.
Not sure why you care
He's living rent free in your head. Focus on living your best life and let life and karma catch up with your lying relatives.
It is interesting that your grandmother tends to reward people doing these “degrees” (which don’t exist) with major financial incentives. It might be worth it for your parents to point out to her that this degree does not exist and that the cousin is not doing it.
Overall, though I don’t think it really is worth your time to engage.
My parents aren't confrontational, and they think that saying something might upset my grandparents. That's why I wanted to use social media; my grandparents don't use it. But I'm not going to, anyway.
No reason to say anything.... esp because your motive isn't pure.
Nah do nothing. Have a little giggle to yourself every time he mentions it and move on. He will be found out, the only reason he hasn't is because he has surrounded himself with admirers that are as equally stupid and naive as him. You can't change that, leave them to it.
Unless people are at risk (like are they employed and fraudulently stating they are qualified to provide services) I prefer leaving people to mop up their own messes. Lies always backfire eventually. It’s a compliment to you they want what you are working hard for. Keep the good work up for you- it feels so great knowing you worked hard and earned it. It feels even better putting the research into use in the real world.
I’m still wondering why you feel the need to expose him while at the same time elevating yourself in a very boastful way.. You seem like one of those people who thinks you’re better than others..
Yeah, I think I wrote it that way, it's a little difficult to write in a language that's so different from mine. But um, maybe I'll try to fix that later, I don't know. I really didn't mean to flatter myself. And like I mentioned in another comment, my cousins (this one in particular) are very intelligent. I'm sure that if they wanted to, they could be studying with me, but they give up on things very easily or look for a easier way out. I know about their economic situation, they don't need to worry about money, it's something I can confirm. A large part of my family works at the same company, which belongs to a great-uncle of a aunt, and they themselves offer paid leave for those who want to pursue a specialization.
Here’s what you do, OP. Over the holidays, engage him in open conversation in front of everyone. Detailed conversation about your mutual master’s program. “OMG, what did you think of Prof. X’s ____ exam?!?” “What topic did you choose for your 30 page final paper in _____ class?” “That sounds fascinating, can I read it?”
When he gets facts wrong, or a professor’s pronoun incorrect, act shocked and correct him. Have some fun making him squirm.
Ignore your shitbag cousin.
Do you.
Let him do him.
I don't think doing that would fix anything. It sounds like you're already the black sheep, so they'd probably just paint it as jealousy and talk more shit about you and your family. You know the truth, and it will come out eventually, it always does
Put more distance between the two of you and those eating his BS up
Put so much distance that he can't even spell your name, much less say it
Put Soo much distance between the two of you that if his name comes up, you have no recollection of him
Good luck
Otherwise YBD if you react to him + drop comments. Dude is cooking himself alive. Let him be.
Call him out, but wait until after christmas I think
Geez, that's a lot of time at school! I wasn't even there that much for my doctoral program. But yeah, irritating.
Honestly, I’m sure there’s a respectable way to go about calling them out; I just don’t know what it is. My dad lied about have a BS in Chemical Engineering from a prestigious school in the US. Turns out it was a BA in general or whatever it’s called when you have completed the amount of hours required for a degree but not in a specific major. I looked up the program from when he graduated to verify it. He weaponized that fucking BS in Chemical engineering every chance he got to make me and my brother or anyone else feel less than.
Maybe you can just wait it out till the commencement and ask for an invite?
BTW, I understand how this can be frustrating for you. My brother (1 year older) would switch whatever he was doing to follow whatever I was doing. I started petroleum engineering, so he switched from chemical to petroleum engineering. I was going to transfer schools, guess who applied to the exact two schools I was applying to? It created this aversion to telling anyone in my family about my life. It felt like being under a microscope in an invisible competition in which I didn’t want to participate. He’s the golden child and I’m the scapegoat. Eventually, I took a year off, moved states, and silently applied to schools in the other state. Got into a top 5 petroleum engineering program in the world and celebrated without them knowing 🥳 then I only told them the month before classes started so they couldn’t sabotage it. Weirdest part that I feel guilty about is that I didn’t know he had applied there back in high school and didn’t get in… I’m glad I didn’t know that because I wouldn’t have applied had I known (which would’ve been dumb, but I’m sure he thought I was trying to be a dick).
You're the drama. I stopped reading 1/4 of the way through. You have issues, dear, and you'd do better to spend your effort looking at that.
Perhaps you should actually read the full post before casting your judgment.
This drips with resentment, evidenced by too many superfluous details. The cousin is lying about his creds. Okay. We don't need to know how much OP has accomplished; if they were confident in what they have achieved and they were in a mentally healthy place, all of this would be moot.
I'll argue that if you were in a healthy place, you would be able to phrase your feedback in a much more constructive way, and not so... resentful.
Your comments help no one other than spread negativity. If you think OP has something personal they need to work on first, give them some advice on what that is and how to work on it. If you don't know how to give useful advice, which is fair as that's a skill not everyone has been taught, perhaps this sub isn't the right place for you at the moment. We're here to help OP. If we think OP is the cause of their own problems, then we help OP to change their ways of thinking, not just insult them.
Fair enough!
Hopefully no one finds out accidentally that your cousin is a liar and supporting him as a liar is bad for everyone. His poor girlfriend is the one who will get hurt the most and she will wonder why YOU kept up his lies?
So... At the time I couldn't talk much with my family, I missed several lunches, dinners, and events because of my master's degree and other situations (job related). I managed to get a day off and told this cousin, he said we should go out and that he would call his friends and we should play video games together or something. Well, Surprise. He shows up with his car and his girlfriend and takes us to a Burger King. That day I found out he was dating someone and, in our conversations, she tells me about how his master's degree is going. I thought she was talking about Taht one class he was taking, then she started talking about the job this professor got him, but the conversation didn't go any further because my cousin interrupted. When I got home I told my parents what happened and we went to see his posts. I also went to the university's website to confirm whether he was enrolled in the master's program or not, since those documents are public. I don't have any contact with his girlfriend, but I think she would be more upset with my cousin's siblings, as far as I know, they are closer.